Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Big Gay Bennie XVI

Andrew Sullivan reports that Pope Benedict XVI has rejected France's ambassador to the Vatican because the guy is gay. My Spanish is shitty, but here's the gist of the only source I could find:

...the appointment of Jean-Loup Kuhn-Delforge ... has not been accepted... for being a declared and militant homosexual diplomat, as much that he added to his own last name the one of the man with whom [he] coexists openly.

Whatever you think of Catholic dogma, anti-gay bias is a surprising stance from a guy in red Prada loafers.

Monday, September 29, 2008

The Capital University student body

Yeah, so Gramps and Madame Curie held a rally at Capital University. I had never heard of this place before, but it looks like a shithole. 

Gramps did a hilarious set, saying he'd never "phone it in" when the nation was in crisis. The punchline? His own team released details of the war hero's Herculean efforts on behalf of our nation's threatened economy. He made a few phone calls. But they were local calls, people! He's helping!

Yadda yadda, the old man lied, what else is new, call me when he has a solid BM. But what really irritates me is that crowd of Capital students behind him. Glassy-eyed, mouth-breathing slabs of type 2 diabetes, every last one of them. I thought young people were supposed to be attractive. 

Oh, yeah, Eric Cantor

He's actually the little bitch who complained specifically about Nancy Pelosi's hurtful remarks. I just can't get over this. That they would actually cop to hurt feelings over this critical piece of legislation, and cite that as the reason why they're sinking it... are Republicans all teenage girls? Are they going to start cutting next? Jesus!

John Boehner and those other bitches

Yeah, so the bailout bill failed. And the Dow dropped like Larry Craig in a public toilet. Why? Well, to hear Ohio Republican Congressman John Boehner tell it, 'cause Nancy Pelosi hurt their feelings.

Boo fucking hoo. And while I'm at it, bull fucking shit: You bitches didn't have the votes, because the Republican party is a bunch of greedy undisciplined drunks.

But okay, let's pretend that you really did scuttle the bill because of mean old Nancy. That means you place your own egos, and your own party's prestige, over the needs of the nation.

Tennessee Williams could have been writing today's news in The Glass Menagerie:

Their eyes had failed them, or they had failed their eyes, and so they were having their fingers pressed forcibly down on the fiery Braille alphabet of a dissolving economy.
Yeah, I quoted Williams. I can still kick your ass, bitch.

[P.S. - I love you, Barney Frank!]

Mayor Danny Funderburk

Ever try to have a rational discussion with somebody from the South? Particularly, a white Christian from the South? It can’t be done.

It’s not that they’re retarded for basing their careers, world views and lives on a book with less consistent internal logic than an Archie comic. It’s not that they’re all racists, even the ones who seem nice.

It’s this fucking passive-aggressive dick move they like to pull, saying something so insulting, offensive and inflammatory that the only appropriate response is a right cross. But saying it in a detached, third-person, “Hey, I’m just curious, how do you feel about this?” kind of folksy tone.

Like, “Well, my granddaughter’s fiancé certainly seems like a nice fella. He’s clean enough, and well spoken. But I just wonder what some of the ladies in my book group would say about her dating a nigger. If only they could see the boy as I see him. They’d know he’s much more than just the color of his skin. The dark, dark color of his skin.”

That’s the kind of crap that makes me want to sock the bullet-headed semi-moron mayor of Fort Mill, SC, right in his pointy little chin. Danny P. Funderburk is the chief executive of a rest stop along the I-77 and, apparently, active in his local church. In an email he circulated among his cousin-fucking co-congregants, this shithead says he’s “just curious” if that Democratic darkie running for the White House is the anti-Christ.

The email claims that the Book of Revelation says the anti-Christ will be in his 40s, and of Muslim origin.

There is nothing like that in Revelation – and I’m really into heavy metal, so I have read that particular book of the Bible more times than I can count.

Oh, yeah, and Obama’s not a Muslim.

Of course, Shithead didn’t write the email himself. He forwarded it, like I’m sure he forwards every chain letter and heartwarming tale about orphans. In a phoner with the Charlotte Observer, he says he “was trying to get documentation if there was any Scripture to back it up.”

Okay, reasonable enough. You could do one of two things: visit Snopes, which discredited this email back in March (Mayor Danny forwarded it this month).

Or you could, you know, read the fucking Bible.

Or is your shithole town too poor to even have a copy, Danny?

I’m just curious.

[Lick me, Wonkette]

Friday, September 26, 2008

Evangelist Tony Alamo caught with his hand in the cookie jar

For "hand," read "penis." And for "cookie jar," read "child."

Who peed in the gene pool?

Tits McGee and the case of the disappearing swimsuit video

Governor Wackadoo's 1984 appearance in a beauty pageant swimsuit competition surfaced on YouTube today. And quicker than you can say "Such as maps," it was yanked down due to a copyright claim by Splash News.

Copyright claim, my left nut. The RNC yanked that shit down. Of course the video is available once again, but here's my question: Are Republicans really so clueless that they think they can keep this thing a secret? That alone should disqualify anybody associated with that campaign from ever seeking national office.

That sounds about right

"If you aren't holding over a million dollars in assets and you vote Republican, you're an idiot. And if you are holding over a million dollars and you vote Republican, you're an asshole. Take your pick."

Thursday, September 25, 2008

William Kristol

We all talk out our asses from time to time. But this takes the fucking cake.

"...the action of these few days becomes more important than the talk of that hour and a half Friday night. One could even say the contrast between the two men in action becomes the true debate over who should be president. The media, being talkers and debaters, love debates, overestimate their importance, and are underestimating the possible effect of McCain's dramatic action. In the debate itself, McCain should mock the media's greater concern for gabbing than solving our economic problems, and should associate Obama with such a talk-heavy media-type approach to politics. If the race is between an energetic executive and an indecisive talker, the energetic executive should win."

Pastor Thomas Muthee

I hope you'll be hearing a lot about this guy very soon. Shit-for-Brains credits him in part with helping her become governor of Alaska. But he got his start with a sleazy revival tent show in Africa, accusing a local woman of witchcraft - apparently the lady had the power to affect traffic or something - and threatening her with bodily harm before running her out of town.

So, yeah. The Republican VP nominee is friends with a religious thug who makes Jeremiah Wright look like Mister Fucking Rogers.

But here's what I can't figure out. If NBC, MSNBC and the New York Times are 150% in the tank for Obama, why the fuck aren't they talking about this lunatic?

Hey, you fucking idiot

I haven't watched you on TV in a long time. I have a hard time looking at your alkie-puffy face or listening to your increasingly slurred speech without wanting to break something. But I had a hunch you'd offer some good entertainment last night, and boy was I right.

It used to piss me off when I'd see you leaning on the podium with one elbow. But the way you clutched the fucking thing last night made up for that and more. I'm a huge fan of people looking uncomfortable on TV, and your party has the market cornered on that shit right now.

So, yeah. Thanks for the laughs. Now fuck off, will you? The country's about to burn down and the grownups have to go to work now.

P.S. - nobody likes you. Not even your Xanax addict wife or your whore daughters.

Profiles in Dutch courage

Christ on a cracker!

What exactly is going on in this crazy bitch's head?

Watch CBS Videos Online

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Attention, Academy voters

You have to admit that Grampa McBonkers is the one TV personality who can keep you on the edge of your seat. 

William Philip "Phil" Gramm

You know "Phil" (great nickname, by the way! Very imaginative). He's that soft, creepy old fuck who says poor people are mentally ill.

It bugs me when I see him on TV, because I can't make up my mind. Does he look like a turtle:

Or an old penis?