Friday, October 31, 2008

McCain scores key endorsement

This is huge, people. A game-changer.
John McCain just received the endorsement of the Culpepper Star-Exponent in... uh... Culpepper. 
Hang on, let me go find out where that is. 

Child Endangerment

I thought those annoying-ass Family Circus kids had been aborted by now.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

At last, I can agree with al Qaeda about something!

An al Qaeda spokesman, hilariously named Abu Yahya al-Libi, called for President Bush and his party to be humiliated in Tuesday's election.
"O God, humiliate Bush and his party, O Lord of the Worlds, degrade and defy him," al-Libi said at the end of some bullshit religious mumbo-jumbo ceremony.
I knew if I just kept an open mind, and refused to take that "death to America" stuff personally, we'd eventually find some common ground. Let this be a lesson to all of you!

You can never find a plumber when you need one

Of all the days for Joe the Plumber With a Publicist to skip a McCain rally!

New Battlestar Galactica opener

From the excellent Galactica Sitrep, via the indefatigable Jack M. Thank you, colleagues!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I just found a reason to use Twitter

Kim Jong Illin'

O NOES!! Kim Jong Il's brain really did break. He should just suck it up now and change his name to Gimp Jong Il. And anyway, his funeral will never be as hilariously epic as his old man's.

Shepard Smith rips Joe the Idiot a new one

How bad is it for McCain when Fox News is defending Barack Obama?

Good luck with that!

Hindu DJ Nerm wants to reclaim the swastika as a symbol of peace and goodwill.


The internationally esteemed African Press International (API, AIP, whatever), which, as with all crack news outlets in this brave new world, is run out of some dude's basement in the state of mind known as "Oslo," is claiming that they have several cassette tapes (WTF are these contraptions called 'cassette tapes'?!?) of Michelle Obama "confirming" on the "telefon" to the API basically all those bullshit chainletters your elderly relatives forwarded you on the e-mail, or some shit like that. And now they might be coming to a Fox News near you!
A final agreement has been reached between African Press International (API) and Fox News Network (USA) on the dates to air the Michelle Obama tape arising from a discussion Mrs Obama had with the API two weeks ago. The show will take place any day/time from now, with a 15 minutes alert on when it is to take place. Other programmes will be interrupted. This is a precaution taken to avoid interference from any quarter.
Those who are close to the democratic presidential candidate must be desperate to win the elections no matter what, otherwise they would not have taken such bold step to contact API with an offer of a bribe in order to stop the airing of the tape... API has now taken a decision to contact the American Embassy in Oslo, Norway as soon as possible in order to report the matter and hand over the evidence for investigative purposes. API’s Canadian lawyer is expected to fly to Oslo shortly in order to assist in the legal matters that arise from the bribery attempt.
OH SHIT! A CANADIAN LAWYER?!? Obviously this must be some SRS BSNS.

Oh fuck you, Keenan Altunis

What do you do when a fortune literally just falls into your lap? Well, for starters, you could try not being such a smug prick about it.
American-born Keenan Altunis lives in London and works for a bank. He's already a multimillionaire. And he just won a million dollars a year for life in a scratch-off game.
"Is it going to materially change my life? No," Altunis told the New York Post. "I have been a very blessed and fortunate person."
Right now I'm reading that quote aloud in a high-pitched voice while making a stupid face, to express my derision. Take that, you rich asshat.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

BREAKING: Not all Asian children are gifted

Some of them are tone-deaf little douchebags. 

[Thanks, Monster Stopper!]


[Thanks, Alex!]

And the Sleaze Award goes to John Peters

I have received some sleazy pitches from public relations people before, but this is off the meter. Jennifer Hudson is still trying to make sense of what happened to her family, and the sensitive souls who sell The Backup have this to say:
Could a Bedside Shotgun Rack Have Saved Jennifer Hudson's Family from Tragic Death?
Yup, really.
John Peters, inventor of The Backup, is available for interviews. Call him up and ask him what it's like to be morally bankrupt.

Don Young Is Old

Rep. Don Young (R-AK) is pretty much that creepy dude who plays Santa Claus every year at that trashy mall in your town that's anchored by a Cato store. For some odd reason, he's yet to have been fired, and the mall never quite seems to go out of business. Anyway, he's very mad today that Uncle Ted is gonna have to watch out for a series of tubes comin' at him while in the slammer:
"You have to understand that this was not a jury of his peers. It was in Washington, D.C., which most people in Washington, D.C., don't look very favorably on the Congress because we run them. I don't know why anybody didn't bring that out. They're not a self-governing city like they say they are. We actually make decisions for them. Makes us very, very suspicious."
He is right, you know. If it were not for Grandpa Don and Uncle Ted and the 533 other assclowns making decisions for me and the rest of us rubes who live in this miserable dump, who knows what untold wonders each day would hold.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I love Rachel Maddow so fucking much I could shit

That's probably not as intense a declaration of admiration as you might think it is: I shit about a lot of things. Still, I am a huge fan. She's wicked smart, sure, but that's not what I like best about her. 
She's so damn classy! Maddow's voice is a cheerful anomaly in a cable news culture dominated by truculent bloviators like Bill O'Reilly and, yeah, okay, Keith Olbermann. And a blogosphere characterized by... mumble, mumble. 
  This clip is a couple weeks old, but if you haven't seen it, watch how Maddow responds to David Frum's appalling lack of manners. The former speechwriter for George W. Bush makes a point of unkindly critiquing Maddow's style as "snarky." Maddow never takes the bait, and offers only thanks for the fucking douchebag's time:

Hats off, gentlemen. This is a classy broad.

God damn it, I love this tubby fuck

It took him long enough, but Christopher Hitchens has finally rung in on Sarah Palin. What awes me is that he was probably half in the bag when he wrote this piece for Salon, and it's still the most graceful and eloquent prose you'll read all day.
This is what the Republican Party has done to us this year: It has placed within reach of the Oval Office a woman who is a religious fanatic and a proud, boastful ignoramus. Those who despise science and learning are not anti-elitist. They are morally and intellectually slothful people who are secretly envious of the educated and the cultured. And those who prate of spiritual warfare and demons are not just "people of faith" but theocratic bullies. On Nov. 4, anyone who cares for the Constitution has a clear duty to repudiate this wickedness and stupidity.

Yeah, what he said!

New Prop 8 ad helps people who are too stupid to defend their choices themselves

This ad is amazing. Instead of preparing its audience to defend California's Prop 8 in a reasonable exchange of ideas, it just points to a web site. "I just vote how I'm told to vote. Look at this web site and you'll vote that way too."

And not for nothing, but have you noticed that the people in ads opposing Prop 8 are just generally better looking than these douchebags? The girl in this spot is not nearly hot enough to be so stupid. I work in television, and I know these things. There is an immutable hotness-to-stupidity ratio that producers ignore at their peril.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

"Wife Swap" creator thinks Sarah Palin could be the new Tyra Banks

It took me like half an hour to type that headline, I was laughing so hard. Some people in Hollywood hate you so much that they want to give Sarah Palin her own TV show. "I see her... like Tyra [Banks] or what Jenny Jones used to be," says Chris Coelen, whose company produces Wife Swap. Ah, the golden age of Jenny Jones. 
  If you're curious to know what a Sarah Palin TV show would be like, here's what you can do. You know those air horns? Hold one of those right next to your ear and press the button for half an hour. Then have somebody kick you in the cock.

Crazy space church founded by con artist mobilizes in support of Prop 8

If some dick in a cheap suit and a Super Cuts coif knocks at your door way too early on a Saturday, he's probably a Mormon. He wants your support for Proposition 8, which would amend the California state constitution to prohibit gay couples from marrying. 
  The church - which is crazy even by the batshit standards of other religions - is all in on this one, dedicating more resources to the cause than they did to help defeat the Equal Rights Amendment in the 1970s. They're sending out those creepy missionaries, working their church phone trees, and reading a letter from the First Presidency to every congregation urging passage of the amendment. 
  My friend Wil, a complete degenerate, has a theory to explain why religious leaders are so fired up about this issue. He thinks it's because they're mostly closet cases, clinging to an illusion of heterosexuality by suffering through their blessed unions. If gay marriage is legal, Wil reasons, these freaks will all go buck wild and start making barnyard scat porn.  
  That theory makes about as much sense to me as anything else ever done in the name of religion, so I'll buy it. 
   And what kind of bullshit church has a president? You're supposed to have a pope, or an archbishop, or a poobah or something rad. Presidents are for things like Star Wars fan clubs.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Sarah Palin is one of them

"I've never voted for a Republican in my life," said Charlotte Christ, a 37-year-old cook from Buffalo. "But Sarah's one of us. You can hear it in her voice."

Blonde dipshit needles Biden with fictions

Maybe I'm betraying my liberal bias here, but I think this lady is a Republican.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Time for a WTFbreak

This commercial for the Loud 'n Clear hearing device has me riveted. There are so many fascinating narratives. The senior citizens who both play cards and go to church. The clearly unbalanced woman wandering around in the forest all alone. The rapey-looking dude who uses his Loud 'n Clear to eavesdrop on young women as he stands alone in a doorway. 
Surely I am not the only man so stirred by this. 

Keith Olbermann's penis must look like hamburger by now

Fox News Channel EVP John Moody says McCain's campaign is over.

Sig alerts on the Straight Talk Expressway

John McCain's brother calls 911 to complain about traffic.

My parish priest fucked me in the ass when I was a kid, and all I got was this lousy garden

A Cathedral in Oakland, CA has constructed a garden for victims of clergy sex abuse.
The placement of the benches is of great symbolic importance, according to provost Father Paul Minnihan: victims can choose from two benches, one of which faces away from the Cathedral.

You think any of those victims will ever turn their backs on a priest again? As the old saying goes, "Once raped, twice shy."

Oh, for crap's sake

The Hill reports that Joe the Thing That Wouldn't Go Away is considering a run for Congress.
Screw you and your whole career, John McCain. It's all your fault that I still have to look at this dumb bald fuck.

If I Looked Like Ashley Todd, I'd Cut Myself, Too

Oh, the KKKids these days, what with their scribbling all over their faces with Wet 'n Wild cosmetics, scrawling the alphabet on their cheeks with a butter knife while looking in the mirror, and then claiming that some black guy did it.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Quick observation about Karl Rove

Guys like him get fucked in prison. 

Pig-eyed horror sees green-eyed monster

The National Review's abusively ugly Mona Charen thinks she knows why the press is kicking up such a rumpus about Sarah Palin's $150K retail orgy:
I cannot escape the suspicion that one reason everyone is so exercised (other than the obvious, i.e. that she's a Republican) is that she is so gorgeous in those clothes. There is simply no other woman in political life to match her. The green-eyed monster strikes!
This is projection. That's when a mentally ill person attributes her own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts and feelings to others. See, a lot of transvestites, if you ask them, will say they'd probably love to look like Sarah Palin. Unfortunately, they very often end up looking like Mona Charen.
Aww, Mona. There's more to life than being pretty. I'm sure you have tremendous inner beauty.
Oh, wait. No you don't.

Just because it comes in your size

That doesn't mean you should wear it.

This has nothing to do with anything

But I really really love it. I was reading about Roger Ailes this morning, so naturally I started looking for fat jokes. Google introduced me to Carl Merritt, and I found this video on his site.
This is the trailer for Abe's Tomb, a movie based on Mr. Merritt's short stories. What's the movie about? I don't think I could really do it justice, so I'll let the auteur speak for it himself:

This movie is pure excitement with a twist of darkness! If you're into vampires, girls, action and horror, then you owe yourself the pleasure of watching this movie once it is released. Coming soon from Carl Merritt Productions.

BREAKING: The movie is now available!


All right, it's not exactly a resounding endorsement. But the Ku Klux Klan seems to favor the GOP ticket.
Klansmen, who all routinely touch each other's cocks in public restrooms, released this video last night:

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

John McCain is incorrect about Sarah Palin

John McCain is "amazed" and "entertained at the elitist attitude toward" Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.
In an interview with miserable old alcoholic Don Imus, the decrepit candidate defended his stupid, stupid, stupid running mate: "She has a wonderful family, a great husband, great values and she shares my world view."
But none of these things are true:

  • Bristol Palin dropped out of high school to have a bastard child.
  • Todd Palin is a vindictive moron.
  • And the governor herself has routinely used the state of Alaska's manpower and resources for personal gain.

Okay, she does share McCain's xenophobic, trigger-happy world view.
Bonus falsehood: The old fuck actually said Palin "did a great job" in TV interviews with Charles Gibson and Katie Couric.

Crazy lady with busted grill explains why she is a Republican

Marcia Stirman is more than just a tragic victim of horribly botched plastic surgery. She is a believer.
I'm a believer too! I believe a dream is a wish that your heart makes. And as she explains in a letter to New Mexico's Alamogordo Daily News, Marcia believes "that Muslims are our enemies," that "war is a fact of life and we should always win," and that Barack Obama is "a Muslim Socialist."
Look, I know it's tempting to react with derision when you're confronted with views like this. But try putting yourself in Marcia's place. I mean, just look at her! If you had to walk around with that face, I bet you'd be angry all the time too. Look what happened to the Joker!
Maybe we could chip in and buy her a mask or a bag or something. In with anger, out with love.

With less than two weeks to go before the election...

The McCain campaign uses its entire annual allotment of gay at a single event.

[Thanks, Casey!]

Hey, are you still looking for a picture of a chimpanzee with alopecia universalis?

I got ya covered!

[Thanks, Wil!]

Nice scarf, you stupid bitch

Wrong animal. Is there anything you don't suck at, Sarah Palin?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

It would be the gayest thing in the world to make an "Evita" reference right now

So of course I'm gonna do it: 

RNC Appears to shell out $150K for Palin fashion

Witches for Obama

If John McCain seems more doddering than usual, it's probably witchcraft. Flo Ellers of the InJesus online community says a friend of hers went to Obama's "home village" in Kenya, where witches and sorcerors "were weaving lazy 8's around McCain's mind to make him look confused and like an idiot." Mission accomplished, witches!
Oh, but I know what you're thinking: "Bah! This is mere hearsay."
Think again, pal: "I read a portion of 'Obama Nation' book [sic] and looked at several web sites and found most of this information to be true," Flo says. "All except the curses part, of course."
So there you have it - footnoted sources, thank you very much.
And speaking of witches - let's all enjoy the song stylings of Mr. Tim Curry in the 1986 made-for-TV classic, The Worst Witch. Eric, this goes out to you, buddy.

Man Hands wants to set the record straight

Rep. Michelle Bachmann, the horse-hung Republican from Minnesota, is very clear: She never called all liberals "anti-American." Okay, fair enough. She only called Barack Obama anti-American.
But for heaven's sake, Congresswoman - what were you doing in San Francisco, riding the #49 bus? Our country is in crisis right now. This is no time to be blowing dudes.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Recipe roundup!

Judge Douglas J. Chumbley

Time to update the Toilethomo files! Another Republican politician has been arrested for lewd behavior in a public restroom. Judge Douglas J. Chumbley resigned from the Miami-Dade juvenile court division amid charges that he flashed his genitals in a Starbucks restroom.
The Republican jurist, appointed to the bench by former Governor Jeb Bush, has resigned without admitting to the charge.
"Of course this news is distressing," Chumbley's boss, chief Miami-Dade Judge Joseph P. Farina, said in a statement. "But the law, including the presumption of innocence, applies to everyone no matter their statement in life."
Oh, totally. Innocent until proven guilty.

Pour out a little liquor...

Comedian Rudy Ray Moore is dead at 81.
Peace out, Rudy. There'll never be another like you.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Chinese Christian group goes pee-pee in the Coke of marriage equality

Disgrasian has an item about a Chinese-language video from a conservative Christian organization called Family Keepers,  in support of California's Prop 8. Whatever you think of the ballot measure - if you support it, you're a fucking retard, but that's not the issue here - it's a little creepy how quickly this video draws a line from gay marriage to incest. 
  Paragons of Christian morality like Family Keepers or James Dobson's Focus on the Family are really good at thinking up weird sexual shit on a moment's notice. 

False alarm

I was cruelly misled by this headline

Lou Engle

If you've never heard of this ass clown, it's probably because you live in the 21st century. Lou runs The Call, a never-ending religious carnival of hatred and hysteria. The Call is ramping up for a big rally in San Diego on November 1st, part of a campaign to deny civil rights to same-sex couples. And as you can see in this promotional video, Lou is really worked up about it:

This isn't religion - it's a monster truck rally where people scream for a magic giant who lives in the sky to come down and crap on gays.
  Look, I know a lot of people who play Dungeons & Dragons, so I know how much fun it can be to have an imaginary friend. The difference, though, is that the D&D players don't want me punished because I choose not to play by their manual. But Lou? Fuck that "tolerance" shit: He says "this is a time to resist mightily the spirit of peaceful coexistence and apathetic resignation in the face of this prevailing darkness."
  Do me a favor and donate to No on Prop 8, will you? Good kid. 

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I need to learn how to hijack broadcast signals

Because I want to put this on the Fox News Channel all weekend:

Terry Tate brings the hurt

Vito's going in

I can't believe the lengths some Republican politicians will go to just to have gay sex. 
Take Vito Fosella, for example: He loves dick so much he drove drunk through suburban Virginia, just so he could get arrested and go to prison. 
The guy makes Larry "Toilethomo" Craig seem downright lazy. 

Friday, October 17, 2008

Michelle Bachmann is HOT

I don't mean "hot" like "sexy," I mean H.O.T., for "Haggard Old Tranny."
  The Republican congresswoman from Minnesota wants the press to investigate certain liberal, Leftist House members, whose loyalty to America she believes is suspect.
  This is the same daffy bitch who blamed the sub-prime mortgage meltdown on the blacks.
  And... I mean, come on! Does "she" think "she's" fooling anybody? 
  Part of me wants to see "her" arrested for some crime that hinted at moral turpitude, then sent to prison in shame. But then I think, well, prison means a strip search, and some poor corrections officer could lose an eye were "her" big ol' horsecock suddenly untucked. 
  So maybe it's enough to hope that she's just voted out.

Okay, somebody splain me

'Joe the Plumber' to Appear on Mike Huckabee's New FOX News Show
Why? What does this bald-headed douchebag have to contribute?
Actually, I shouldn't call him a douchebag. A douchebag is good for at least one thing: the containment and dispensing of douche. "Joe the Plumber" isn't even really a plumber.

The Ohio GOP

The Ohio Republican party is using a smokescreen of spurious voter fraud to influence the Presidential election.

It should come as no surprise to our astute readers that top Ohio GOP staffers are perverts. After all, the
y belong to the same party as Larry "Toilethomo" Craig. In fact, overwhelming documentary evidence indicates that all Republicans are sexual deviants. If you would like to discuss their hot, erotic sexy lifestyles, they'd love to hear from you!

Kevin Dewine - Ohio Republican Party Vice Chairman (937-760-1419)

Jason Mauk - Ohio Republican Party Executive Director (614-561-4994)

John McClelland - Ohio Republican Party Communications Director (614-394-3456)

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fun fact about McCain supporters

They are arsonists.

Oh, for Christ's sake

Now this dipshit is a pundit. Next he's going to run for local office, then the House, then the Senate, and the next thing you know, he's gonna be Martin Sheen in The Dead Zone. Christopher Walken, where are you when we need you?

Joe the Douchebag

This guy's beef, near as I can figure, is that if he's successful, he'll be in a higher tax bracket. Is that it? Is that really what he's complaining about, or am I missing something?
Okay, whatever. It turns out John McCain's poster child for tax relief isn't even registered to vote.
Oh, and he compared Barack Obama to Sammy Davis Jr. Seriously, dude?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

For the record

I don't want people thinking that all Republican politicians are toilet homos. That would be an unfair generalization and an insult to the party's vibrant diversity.
Some of them, like Nevada's Jim Gibbons, are rapists.

Buy a fucking map, you stupid whore

She's speaking in New Hampshire. Which is not in the Northwest.

Dog shit for McCain

Venice, CA is a great beach town with a vibrant art and music scene, funky little restaurants, and tons of dog shit on every sidewalk.
When life gives you lemons, the old saying goes, you make lemonade. But I wouldn't know what to do if life gave me dog shit. That's why I'm grateful for Flickr user beauchamping. Using ordinary household materials, he has transformed these dollops of doo into mordantly clever political statements.

This one says "McCain Healthcare Reform." Collect 'em all!

I have a new nickname for Ohio

You know those slogans on license plates? Right now Ohio calls itself the "Birthplace of Aviation." But allow me to suggest a new one: "The Racist Fuckwad State."
Check out this video shot outside a McCain/Palin rally in what looks like a particularly shitty town, even for Ohio:

I'm with Eric on this one: If these people are such devout Christians, why don't they just pray for their candidate? If God is truly on their side, they don't need to vote. Just stay home, people.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Dudes in capes hate gays

We see a lot of ads in California about Proposition 8. After the California Supreme Court found that there was nothing in the state's constitution to prohibit same-sex couples from marrying, an amendment was proposed to close what some people see as a very dangerous loophole.
Who would support a constitutional amendment that actually removes rights, rather than extending them? These old queens, in the capes and funny hats. They look like the chorus from an amateur production of Iolanthe, so how could they possibly be anti-gay?
Oh, wait... Sorry. They're the Knights of Columbus. So far, they have donated $1.25 million to the Prop. 8 cause.
Look, far be it from me to tell anybody how to live, but... well, if you dress like you do, people could start to get ideas.

It's come to this

We've learned a lot so far this autumn, haven't we? Well, I know I have. I've learned where the recycling centers and CoinStar machines are in my neighborhood; I've learned how much plasma I can donate before I get dizzy spells; and I've learned the expression "false equivalency."
A false equivalency is when somebody does something monstrous, like burn somebody's house down, then argues that you're just as bad for smoking a cigarette.
Or when some doughy shut-in whips up a Photoshop of Barack Obama and a noose:
I found the image at Pam's excellent blog. The original has since been taken down from Political Byline. "I made the far left have a knee-jerk reaction," says the blogger, Libertarian Pale0-Conservative. "I also gave them something to talk about." Yeah, death threats make for great conversation.
Pretty strong stuff, huh? If you're new to our shores, welcome! And here's something you should know: White people in this country have given black people very good reasons to react strongly to images like this.
Oh, but the liberals are just as bad, LP-C argues, because a liberal made a joke about Sarah Palin's infantard.
Nice try, you racist cretin. But death threats are not exactly in the same class as jokes about whatever had the misfortune to be born into that chillbilly clan, special-needs or no.
Besides, retards are hilarious!

Hope that couch is comfy, bro!

Mr. and Mrs. Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton, TN, have been blessed with a beautiful new baby girl. Mark and his wife had agreed on the name Ava Grace for their bundle of joy. But when it came time to fill out the birth certificate, Poppa pulled a fast one and dubbed his daughter Sarah McCain Palin.
"I can't give a lot of financial support for the [McCain/Palin] campaign," Ciptak explains, so he "took one for the cause."
Actually, douchebag, you forced your infant daughter to take one for the cause. A cause that will, if it is successful, pretty well ensure that you can't give a lot of financial support for much of anything, ever.
You need a license to drive, to hunt, even to own a fucking dog. But idiots like this are allowed to reproduce unchecked. We're doomed.
But, congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Ciptak!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Holy shit!

I swear I didn't do anything to this photograph of Zell Miller. He just really looks like that.

Andy Martin, political hyphenate

Hyphenates are a common breed in Los Angeles, where everbody's a writer-producer, or a producer-director, bartender-actor or model- ... okay, all models are whores. We can drop the hyphen.
But now the hyphenate has entered political discourse in the person of Andy Martin, an author-racist-anti-Semite.
Martin recently was a guest on bottle-bitten donkey Sean Hannity's cavalcade of horseshit. The discussion was a rehash of Martin's greatest hit, the false rumor that Barack Obama is a Muslim. What else do we know about the guy, other than the fact that he hangs out with pudgy, truculent alcoholics?
The Sunday Times character sketch of this sketchy character reveals that he went to law school, but was denied entrance to the Illinois bar because of a "moderately severe character defect manifested by well-documented ideation with a paranoid flavor and a grandiose character."
That's basically legalese for "crazier than a crackhouse rat."
During the Hannity blowjob, Martin warned that Obama is a secret Muslim whose deception could threaten Israel's very existence. Now let's look at what Martin has said about the people whose homeland he's working fearlessly to save:
In a motion he filed during a bankruptcy case - like many crazy people, Martin is fond of clogging court calendars with pointless lawsuits - he called the judge "a crooked, slimy Jew who has a history of lying and thieving common to members of his race."
So! McCain has the lying racist insane person vote locked down. Congrats, Grampa!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Read the manual again, dude

If you're going to work the religion hustle, you're supposed to follow all the rules. You suck at Christianity, Rev. Arnold Conrad.
Arnie warmed up the crowd for John McCain in Iowa yesterday with a little prayer. In it, he called for God to consider that His reputation is on the line in the Presidential election, because "there are millions of people praying to their god - whether it is Hindu, Buddha, Allah - that [McCain's] opponent wins, for a variety of reasons."
That was cute, wasn't it? The way he snuck in a reference to those dangerous other religions?
But see, what's central to Christianity is the belief that there are no other gods but God. So if this preacher is ascribing any efficacy to the prayers of heathens to their filthy idols, then he's a doubter and a blasphemer.
Also? There is no god named "Hindu." Look it up, douchebag.

Didn't you get the memo, guy?

Grampa called ix-nay on the acism-ray.


With friends like these...

It turns out that making people scared of Barack Obama was all Grampa had:
Very few people love you -- or even like you. For a great many of us, our support for your candidacy has little, if anything, to do with any wonderful things we expect you to do if you're elected president.
Jeez. I almost feel sorry for the old fart.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

EXCLUSIVE! Karl Rove's Myspace blog

All right, listen up. You're about to read some information that you may one day wish you never had learned. If you're one of those people, consider this paragraph your last warning.
Don't ask me how I did this. I'm a former Navy SEAL and I've participated in a few paramilitary actions, but I'm no homo. And anyway, I managed to get access to Republican political operative Karl Rove's online diary. Just don't ask. Just be grateful I have the connections I have.

Here's something that should kill your next, like, 200 boners

Betty White wants to fuck Barack Obama.

Pwnage on the trail

Remember a couple months ago when that salvation salesman made both candidates sit up and bark? Each was asked to name the three wisest people they knew, and on whom they would rely heavily in an Administration.
Grampa picked Gen. David Petraeus, Ebay CEO Meg Whitman (his national campaign co-chair), and Rep. John Lewis (D-GA).
Which is hilarious - well, to me - in light of
what Rep. Lewis just said about the old fart's campaign:
To quote that great American, Homer J. Simpson, "Doh!"

This guy is awesome

Friday, October 10, 2008

FOUND! Sarah Palin's secure, undisclosed location

This is where they keep her between rallies, to minimize the risk of interaction with the press. 

Sports trivia time!

True or false: Oklahoma fans get really carried away when they touch other guys' junk.

Furry disturbing

Alaska, a friend observes, is the new Hazzard County:

At one point, the commissioner Walter Monegan got a phone call from the director of Palin's Anchorage office asking that the trooper, Mike Wooten, not be assigned to work at a state fair in 2007, where he had volunteered for duty in full costume as a child-friendly mascot named "Safety Bear."

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Time for a "feel-good" story

In an election as fiercely contested as this one, it's easy to lose sight of life's little pleasures. So, thank you, Cindy McCain, for a welcome reminder. 

At a sweltering campaign stop in rural Pennsylvania, the wife of Republican Presidential nominee John McCain delighted the assembled press corps with what evidently is a favorite family party trick. The blonde heiress chilled cans of beer to a frosty 36 degrees Fahrenheit by briefly inserting them in her vagina. 

Cheers, Cindy! No matter who takes home the prize on November 4th, you'll always be the First Lady of Refreshment!

Fuck you again, Philadelphia

Sarah Palin to drop puck at Flyers season opener

I'm serious. Take your cream cheese, and your lousy tourist-trap Americana, and that asshole who dresses up like Ben Franklin, and go to hell.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The goddamn chickpea war

Fag-hating fat hillbillies like John Hagee have a righteous boner for the Battle of Armageddon, the world-ending brouhaha that's supposed to take place in the dusty shithole that people still insist on calling the Holy Land.
What will start the war? My money's on hummus. Yup, the creamy, delicious, favorite debate-night dip of all my asshole friends is now a hotly contested intellectual property in a legal tussle between Israel and Lebanon.

With everything else going on in the world, these two Third World toilets are actually looking for more reasons to fight.


Caroline has a question

My god-daughter would like to know if anybody else sees a resemblance between Rick Davis, McCain campaign CEO slash disgraceful cock-monkey for the Republic of Georgia, and serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer.

Actually, her exact words are: Why is it that Rick Davis looks like Jeffrey Dahmer aged 20 years and in the middle of middle-aged spread?

John McCain: Does America really need a guy who pals around with people who look like doughy gay cannibals?

This is about love

This is Ponceman. He fucking rules.


Anonymous fliers have been showing up on doorsteps and windshields in North and West Philadelphia. These neighborhoods are predominantly low-income, and predominantly black.

The fliers warn that undercover police officers will be posted at polling locations on election day, and that anybody with outstanding warrants or unpaid traffic tickets might want to stay home.

Fuck Philadelphia. Name one good thing to come out of that shithole since the Revolutionary War. And don't you fucking dare say cheese steaks. Greasy gray horse meat with spray cheese on a soggy roll. I wouldn't feed that shit to James Dobson.

What a bullshit fucking city.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Yeah, so I'm quoting Twitter

Wil Wheaton made me laugh, with this observation about Grampa's closing remarks:

"A steady hand at the tiller? Somebody give McCain five bees for a quarter."

I stand corrected

John McCain does not laugh like a Dick Tracy villain. He laughs like the Penguin.

[Thanks, Kevin!]

Yapple Dapple!

Lee Country Sheriff Mike Scott stumped for Stupid the other day. And he pulled the usual racist shit that we have come to expect from the Sunshine State, making pointed use of Barack Obama's middle name.

But that's not what drove me crazy all day. It was the bald-headed fat eunuch's voice. It kept reminding me of somebody else...

And then I remembered! When I was a kid, there was an animated version of "I Dream of Jeannie." And for some reason, Jeannie had this retarded sidekick, an apprentice genie named Babu. He had this catchphrase, "Yapple Dapple!" A ducat to anybody who can find me a video clip.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

BREAKING: Biden is a Terminator and he will kick your ass into next week

If Grampa's Alzheimer's knocks him out of the race...

Saturday, October 4, 2008

John McCain laughs like a Dick Tracy villain

Jackie Mason won't vote for the schvartze, is an asshole

So Sarah Silverman made this cute video for The Great Schlep, encouraging young Jews to visit their bubbies and zaydies in Florida and evangelize for Obama. And she didn't talk about her vagina even once!

In rebuttal, Jackie Mason calls her a "sick yenta," and runs his stupid old mouth about McCain. Whatever; he's entitled to his opinion, no matter how retarded it is. 

But here's what really pisses me off: About midway through the video, he says he didn't vote for John Kerry. Does that mean he voted for George W. Bush in 2004? In two thousand fucking four? I can almost forgive the fuckheads who voted for Bush's first term. But the second? Go to hell. 

Fuck you, Jackie Mason. I'm throwing out my Caddyshack 2 DVD. 

Friday, October 3, 2008

Nancy Boren

Planning to vote next month? If you live in Muscogee County, GA... well, first off, I feel sorry for you. But second, you might want to check and see if you're still registered.

The local Board of Elections there recently purged more than 700 voters from the rolls, citing criminal convictions. But many of those voters had records cleaner than the pages of the notebook Sarah Palin keeps around for especially deep thoughts.

The problem? Identity theft. Oh, gosh! Nancy Boren's fat stupid face must have been red with embarrassment. Nancy, as you can see, is the Director of Elections in Muscogee County, and the voters were purged at her direction.

Of course, the voters' rights were restored as soon as this issue was raised in a report by the Brennan Center for Justice at the New York University School of Law.

So, all's well, no harm, no foul, right? Yeah, no: See, the National Voter Registration Act specifically prohibits the purging of voter rolls within 90 days before an election. No, I can't find the precise citation. Blow me.

Now, I'm not saying that Fat Nancy and her assclown cohorts were trying to screw people out of their right to vote in an historically Democratic district. I'm saying that Southerners are racist, underhanded fucks.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Oh, shut up - you'll be telling it at work tomorrow

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?

Only one retarded thing came out of her vagina.

[Thanks, Wil!]

I love you too, Grandpa!

Wills are important documents. They enable you to specify your wishes for final arrangements, make provisions for loved ones, and in William F. Buckley's case, be a vindictive drunken prick toward an innocent child - from beyond the grave!

Buckley, the conservative icon with the enviable vocabulary and a liver the size of a turducken, left his estate to son Christopher and grandchildren Caitlin and William. But Christopher's illegitimate son Jonathan doesn't get a dime.

Okay, okay, you want to leave somebody out of the will, that's your business. Especially a bastard. Irish Catholics are a demonstratively devout lot, and Buckley loved waving his rosary beads. But this overachieving asshole went the extra mile, making it clear that the kid was dead to him.

"I intentionally make no provision herein for... Jonathan," the old softie says in his will, "who for all purposes... shall be deemed to have predeceased me."

I would like to blame this sort of thing on religion or conservatism. But it's probably just the booze.

Giovanni Ribisi

Well, just about all of these smug celebrity assholes can kiss my dick. I'm voting for Obama, but this kind of horseshit condescension drives me insane.

I mean, Ribisi? Seriously? You're gonna have a Scientologist lecture me about the real world? Fuck you.

I don't even care anymore. We'll get the President we deserve. And if Obama loses, I hope black people burn this country to the ground.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Ol' Marble Mouth

I've always been a big fan of Tom Brokaw, because people with speech impediments are hilarious on TV. But what's this shit he pulled on Meet the Press?

Last Sunday, Brokaw moderated a discussion between McCain strategist Steve Schmidt and Obama strategist David Axelrod. After hashing out the Iraq war, the Wall Street bailout, and whether or not people like him more than Tim Russert, Brokaw gave himself the last word in what felt like a political endorsement and smelled like horseshit:
In fairness to everybody here, I'm just going to end on one note. And that is that we continue to poll on who's best equipped to be Commander in Chief, and John McCain continues to lead in that category despite the criticism from Barack Obama by a factor of 53 to 42 percent in our latest NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll. Gentlemen, thank you very much.

Move On checked, and the current NBC poll had no question about either candidate's fitness for the big chair. The network hadn't polled on that issue in almost two months.

Sigh... try as I might, I just can't stay mad at Tommy Boy. I mean, the dude said "bukkake" on national television!