WTF break: Toilethomo Teletubbies!

[I am papakilatube's newest fan!]

Deceased Taliban leader was a lazy, lazy transvestite

Transvestism is as valid an expression of your personality as any. But for crying out loud, could you make an effort? 

Taliban leader Haji Yakub was a wanted man for his role in roadside bomb attacks against Afghani and coalition forces in Ghazni. When U.S. soldiers surrounded his house, he hatched an escape plan right out of Scooby-Doo: He dressed in a burqa and huddled with female evacuees. When his ruse was discovered, he attacked the soldiers and was killed.

No shaving, no tucking, no nothing: Dude threw a sheet over his head and thought he could evade justice.

I'm glad they shot him. He's an insult to hard-working, fashion-conscious trannies everywhere. 

Single White A-Holes

Can somebody splain me Ayn Rand's enduring appeal? Why are so many people totally gay for this bug-eyed midgety know-it-all? 

New York magazine browsed the profiles on The Atlasphere, a dating site for Randtards. Here's my favorite: 

"My name is Daniel. I consider myself to be a born-again egoist and have dedicated the rest of my life to self-improvement. People see me as a socially inept loner because I tend to avoid superficial conversation but actually I love talking to people who like to think (the problem being I don't know very many)."

Well, what are you waiting for, ladies?

Ayman al-Zawahiri's kisich* hurts

The Counterterrorism Blog monitors jihadist reaction to Ayman al-Zawahiri's recent statement about President-elect Barack Obama. Man, I thought Mark Halperin was a whiny bitch:

After observing international press reporting on the incident, these same supporters are now bitterly attacking the media for its "unfair" pro-Obama bias and for deliberately "confusing" the meaning of al-Zawahiri's message.

I don't know the Arabic for "Oh boo-hoo, nobody loves us." So I'll take CTB's word for it.

[*"pussy"]

I am thankful for...

...Married to the Sea!

We need to tell the National Review...

...that we will love it no matter how it lives its life.


[With thanks to Spencer Ackerman]

This Guy's Last Name Is German for "I Broke My Foot Off In Your Ass"

Hey, guess what? Florida decided today to not be like Arkansas! But not all are happy, like hawt laydeez man John Stemberger:

John Stemberger, chairman of a successful drive earlier this month to pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage in Florida, called the ruling "classic judicial activism" and predicted it would be reversed on appeal.

"Everywhere in the law where children are affected, the standard must always be what is in the best interest of the child," said Stemberger, an attorney in Orlando. "What is stunning to me is that when it comes to dealing with gays, that standard goes out the window. Children do better with a mother and a father"

I don't know about you, but this Stemberger dude obviously is stomping on the wrong fundie soapbox. His cross-eyed Cro-Magnon head is hella persuasive proof against the theory of evolution.

Sampat Pal Devi is a badass!

Think you've got it rough? Try living in Banda, Uttar Pradesh, one of the poorest regions in India. As an Untouchable. A female Untouchable.

Lower-caste chicks have a mighty tough row to hoe around those parts. And Sampat Pal Devi decided to do something about it. The mother of five has formed a gang - dressed in pink and armed with sticks! - called the Gulabi. Targeting abusive men, as well as the corrupt local cops who protect them, the gang is now several hundred strong.

Where they see abuse, the Gulabi will harrangue, harrass and, if necessary, bring the hurt to husbands who beat their wives, fathers who force underage daughters into arranged marriages, and officials who prevent the poor from receiving their public grain allotment.

"We don't want donations or handouts," the Gulabi insist. "We don't want appeasement or affirmative action. Give us work, pay us proper wages and restore our dignity."

I'm not about to argue with them. They've got sticks!

[With thanks to the good ladies of Lemondrop]

I know it's asking a lot...

... but is there any way we can arrange to make this permanent?

Anne Coulter's jaw wired shut

GOP does the white thing

It's terribly unfair of me to focus entirely on the deviant sexual habits of Republicans, and ignore another facet of this vibrantly diverse party - they're also racists.

South Carolina GOP chair Katon Dawson will stand for his party's national leadership - just as soon as his whites-only country club can process his resignation.

Dawson has been a member of the restricted Forest Lake Club since 1996, and resigned in September. Coincidentally, The State newspaper had been preparing an article about the weak-chinned, impotent lush - mentioning his club affiliation - around that same time.

I'm very sorry. Sometimes I can't see the forest for the toilethomos.

P.S. - why do Southern politicians have such preposterous names?

"Thank you, Sarah Palin"

"Governor Sarah Palin; a grateful nation wishes to thank you... for your passionate, hopeful and articulate advocacy of common-sense conservative values."

This is hilarious! Really great stuff. Who are you guys? Funny or Die? College Humor? 

Wait, what? This isn't a joke? You're serious? 

Oh.
Wow.

General Sawasdipol has prepared one dance

Major General Khattiya Sawasdipol is famous in Thailand for his Rambo-style raids on Communist insurgents. But he has just been redeployed - as an aerobics instructor. 

"The army chief wants me to be a presenter leading aerobics dancers," Gen. Sawasdipol complains. "I have prepared one dance. It's called the 'throwing-a-hand-grenade dance.'"

This guy is awesome.

Fancy college lady doesn't know how teh ghey works

Lucy M. Caldwell of the Harvard Crimson says activist support to overturn California's Prop 8 is misguided: 

Gay Americans are not being granted fewer rights than their straight counterparts - technically, a gay man does have the right to enter into a marriage with a woman.

Wow. I dropped out of a really shitty college, and even I know that's not how you be gay. Lucy's parents should get a refund.

Openly black rapper releases new album

Despite the success of his first album, The People Vs., Detroit rapper Trick Trick anticipates that his sophomore effort, The Villain, will have limited appeal. Mr. Trick has been marginalized, he believes, because he lives openly as a black man. With lyrics like, "he's a fuckin' faggot so I'm lettin' off my AK," the artist returns to the themes he explored to such effect on his first solo album and in individual tracks produced with white rapper Eminem.

While some regard Trick's race as a sinful lifestyle choice, the rapper insists that many people are just born that way. Rather than hide his true identity, Trick courts controversy with overt displays of blackness: getting crunk, hitting skins with bitches and hos, and busting caps in faggots' asses. In this regard, The Villain is as much a cri de coeur for tolerance and acceptance as it is a musical abortion that nobody will buy.

The Villain is in stores now.

McCain fans don't like bad news

[Ashby is a genius!]

Larry Craig has still got it!

In case you missed yesterday's farewell orgy for convicted felon Ted Stevens, Larry Craig stole the show:

Retiring Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), famous, of course, for his airport men's room arrest, told the story of how he came to call Stevens "Uncle Ted." Craig said he was in a cab, on his way to the Ted Stevens International Airport in Anchorage, when he pulled up to the curb and said out loud, "Oh my, Ted's got an airport. That's neat."

Yay, bath time!

The Conservative Outpost's Drew McKissick is taking a bath.

Douchestock!

Holy shit! Sean Hannity is producing a concert tour with Rapey McSoulpatch, Grampa Moonshine, Michael W. Smith (whoever the hell that is), Spray Tan Guy With a Forehead Like a Drive-In Screen, and The Dickflap Who Sold Arms to Terrorists! 

I almost want to go, just because tards fascinate me. But with all these homeschool twunts crammed together in one venue, I'm afraid a Douche Singularity might form and suck us into another dimension. 

You're a Right Dickface, Mate!

Gerry Harvey is some old-ass dude who's basically the Sam Walton of Australia. Anyway, he evidently never grew out of that I *HEART* AYN RAND!!!!!1! phase that a lot of white people go through in adolescence, because he's quoted in some new book spouting this lovely bullshit about how charitable donations suck epic ballz:

"So did that million you gave them help? It helped to keep them alive but did it help our society? No. Society might have been better off without them but we are supposed to look after the disadvantaged and so we do it. But it doesn't help the society."

LOL. I hope this queef gets a big bouquet of gin blossoms for Christmas this year.

You stay classy, FOX News!

I have to say, though, that "Dead Lesbian Fugitive" would be an awesome name for a band. Silver lining!

Nobody wants Bush's FAIL cooties

[I wanna git all up in you, Crooks and Liars]

UPDATE: This article puts the video in context, and makes Bush appear like less of a loser. Grumble.

Middle Earth economist is right

On last night's Rachel Maddow Show, guest host Alison Stewart talked with Nobel laureate economist Paul Krugman about the bent-knee bailout plea by auto industry execs, who arrived in Washington aboard private jets. Krugman argued in favor of the bailout, on the grounds that the economy, in its current state, could not weather the sinking of such a huge industry. But, he allowed, these execs "are not good guys."

I agree with Mr. Krugman on both points.

In a related story, I was walking home from work last night, and I had to cross a bridge. And Paul Krugman jumped up and refused to let me cross until I answered three riddles.

Officer Art Michel: my diagnosis

Schmuck Alert Central introduces us to Officer Art Michel of the Oakland, CA school district police force. A local photojournalist allegedly hits the cop's cruiser with her elbow, and the fat fuck goes ballistic. The video must be seen to be believed.

Abuses of police authority like this drive me insane, because - aside from being hugely douchey - they erode the respect that good cops deserve. Petty rage puppets like Ofc. Michel are an insult to the uniform.

But why is he the way he is? I suggest that Michel's anger issues stem from either:

a) impotence, or
b) an increasingly troublesome, conflicted, repressed homosexuality

Hey, look. Don't shoot the messenger. I just call them as I see them.
[Thanks, Boing Boing!]

Pope Benedict XVI gives his weekly general audience on November 19, 2008 at St Peter's Square at the Vatican

[Thank you, Mr. Sullivan!]

Da fuck you just say, bitch?

Al Qaeda second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri dropped a new video today. In it, the smelly old pervert, who wipes his ass with his bare hand and whose religion is even crazier than Mormonism, tries to convince Muslims and Arabs that Barack Obama does not represent any change in U.S. policies:

Speaking in Arabic, al-Zawahri uses the term "abeed al-beit," which literally translates as "house slaves." But al-Qaida supplied English subtitles of his speech that included the translation as "house Negroes."

As my drunk, degenerate, dear friend Wil would say, "it's on. Like a pot of neck bones."

Man-Hands flip-flops

Michelle Bachmann, who somehow managed to keep "her" huge, veiny masculine hands on "her" House seat, can't seem to make up "her" mind about Barack Obama.

Just last month, the cock-tucker told Chris Matthews that Barack Obama was "very anti-American," and called for a McCarthy-style investigation. But last night, "she" told chubby Irish alcoholic Sean Hannity that the President-elect's cabinet picks represent "more of the same."

Bachmann is really unstable. Has "she" started hormone therapy? That could explain the mood swings.

Shitfuckpiss

Imagine there was a movie - no, two movies - that you had been looking forward to all summer. Now imagine that they have both been arbitrarily pulled from distribution, so you'll never get to see them. That's how I feel right now. 

I've been dreaming of these elaborate Senate ceremonies: loud, ugly orgies of vituperation and ritual shaming for convicted felon Ted Stevens and backstabbing twat Joe Lieberman. They would be conducted in accordance with some dusty book held by the Rules Committee; a book that had never before been opened. 

Then Lieberman got off with a slap on the wrist, and Stevens had to go and lose. 

The only thing keeping me alive right now is the hope that Stevens will demand a recount. But it's not looking good. 

Today is a bummer.

I love you, Wonkette!

The DC gossip blog nails the whole Bill Kristol affair. It's a long post, so I'll just give you the highlights:

He's a hack, he's never right, he's a smug douche...

Another interesting thing about Bill Kristol is that he is much shorter and fatter in real life. Your Wonkette saw him in New Hampshire and St. Paul and were like, “Whoa hey this guy is much shorter and fatter in real life.”

I want to make babies with Wonkette.

Shut up, Fatty!

Conservative blogger Drew McKissick, who is so fat that he beeps when walking backwards, is bitching about ongoing efforts to overturn California's Prop 8.

Now gay marriage supporters (including govt. officials such as Gov. Schwarzenegger and AG "Moonbeam" Brown) want the court to say a constitutional amendment is, well, "unconstitutional". If that's declared to be the case, then most people would be forgiven for thinking that their input means nothing.

I'm not interested in debating the case's merit. But I must remind you all that Drew McKissick is so fat that he irons his clothes in the driveway. He's so fat he sweats butter.

He's so fat he will die all alone and crying because nobody loves him

One bright day in the future...

Everybody will talk like this.

Toilethomo in the on-deck circle?

I don't mean to brag, but I can spot a toilethomo a mile off. It's just a gift. I'm like Nate Silver, without the Asperger's. And given his obsession with the gay marriage issue, Focus on the Family's James Dobson will be discovered any day now, kneeling in a toilet and yukkin' on a big boy. 

But until this fundamentalist meets his inevitable rendezvous with a throbbing faceful of karmic comeuppance, we can ponder this: For the third year in a row, Dobson's Focus on the Family con has had to cut staff. 

Jimbo's praying so hard for Jesus to help curb his voracious wiener appetite that he let the business slide. C'mon, J-Dawg; the economy is in the shitter. You need to focus. 

Seriously, Gore?

Gore Vidal's diaper is in a bunch over an interview he recently gave to the Spanish language edition of Vanity Fair. At issue, near as I can figure, is his own discomfort with being outed as a racist.

Decrying the sorry state of public discourse, the old fart rhapsodized about societies that nurtured the growth of ruling elite classes. He described Harry Truman as a helot, which is what Spartans called their slave underclass.

He has a huge boner for Douglas MacArthur, calling him "Shogun, the Mikado... a character from Shakespeare." Oh, pull your skirt down, Gore. Quoting from Mac Daddy's farewell address at West Point, he sniffed that "nobody in America gives a speech like that anymore."

At this point, journalist Andrew Gumbel had the temerity to suggest that Barack Obama is an eloquent speaker. And Gore said - are you sitting down? - “Slaves have a hard time making poetry, unless it’s got a beat.”

THIS CAR MUST BE DESTROYED

If you find yourself renting a full-size car from Budget, and they give you a Chevy Malibu, it's because Budget is trying to kill you, the blind spot on this piece of shit is that bad.

I know Prince is celibate, but he can still go fuck himself

Prince is a tiresome little shithead who wrote a couple of cool songs like 20 years ago. But for some reason, the New Yorker wanted to know what he thought about gay marriage:

When asked about his perspective on social issues—gay marriage, abortion—Prince tapped his Bible and said, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ ”

Exactly.

Saints preserve us!

What's with the mackerel snappers hating on Barack Obama supporters? First, Father Fatty Chrome-Dome denies them the sacraments; now this wad personally runs a parishoner out of the building. And then lies about it.

Rev. Sebastian Meyer didn't like the Obama stickers on Elizabeth Caster's car.  Such a difference of opinion generally falls under the heading of "tough shit" in this country, where freedom of expression is protected in our Constitution. Well, fuck that, the priest thought. I've got me a pulpit, and I'm gonna use it! 

Meyer singled Caster out in front of the whole assembled congregation, and ordered her to leave. He even walked her out of the building himself and told her she could not park anywhere near the church. 

Of course he apologized as soon as the story got out. "I over-reacted, and some of you, including the owner of the car, interpreted my remarks as critical of President-elect Barack Obama," Meyer mewled. Several witnesses contradict Meyer's version of the incident, but I can't say for sure that he's lying. So instead I will remind you all that Catholic priests are perverts. 

THESE HATS MUST BE DESTROYED

Dick!

Dick Morris loves to have sex with whores. This is the only thing about him that makes any sense to me. 

With Alaska's Ted Stevens and Minnesota's Norm Coleman set for Senate race recount shellackings, Dick and other creeps are rallying around sweaty fat cracker Saxby Chambliss. The Georgia incumbent faces Jim Martin in a runoff election which, Dick says, is conservatism's last stand against political impotence. 

If Chambliss loses his Senate seat, Dick reasons, a filibuster-proof Barack Obama will send Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh to a gulag by repealing the Fairness Doctrine. 

Um, Dick? The Fairness Doctrine was repealed, like 20 years ago.  

He's all worked up about terrorists and illegal immigrants and other scary people too. "Conservatism is too important to leave to the Republican party," he yowls. Apparently the movement's only hope is the insane.

 

Get your (Jesus) freak on!

You've seen mega-churches on TV. They're those 20,000-seat Jesus arenas where rubes gather to get hustled by some toothy swindler in a thousand-dollar suit. These seedy freak shows also hate - hate! - teh ghey.


As fair-minded Americans march to demand equal marriage rights for all, the ringmaster of the Fellowship Church in Dallas, TX wants to "reclaim" sex for married couples, by screwing his wife for seven days straight.

Rev. Ed Young's old lady is presumably on board with the stunt. I just hope they do it doggy style, so the poor heifer doesn't have to see that rapey, acromegalic grill of his twisted into a retard-like rictus of climax.

"No cookie for you!"

A Catholic priest in South Carolina has told his flock that their support of Barack Obama is sinful, and they cannot receive Communion until they apologize.

In a letter to his parishoners, Rev. Jay Scott Newman of St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville, SC, said, "voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exits [sic] constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil." He warned that anybody who voted for Barack Obama "should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

The only other major contender for the White House was an insane old man and a shrill, stupid woman who knows nothing of the world, so parishoners could argue that no such plausible alternative existed.

"Holy Communion" is a savage Catholic ritual in which adherents believe they are literally eating the flesh and drinking the blood of Jesus Christ. The practice is one of many reasons why Catholicism is widely regarded as a gutter religion for superstitious, filthy peasants.

Bad Touch!

That ain't right.

Shitty Furniture for Your Shitty McMansion

I don't know about you, but every morning on the television where I live, these two piece-of-shit ads run nonstop:


An epileptic monkey surely 1) could make a better ad using Adobe Premiere Elements (evidently already the software of choice in these obvious soon-to-be Clio-winning masterpieces); 2) would have better taste.

God bless you, Mr. West!

"I have sacrificed real life to be a celebrity and to give this art to people."

I'll just go ahead and say it

Michelle Obama is a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
Okay, now we can move forward together as a nation.

Annie Grossman is the new Ashley Todd

Watch out, B Girl! Annie Grossman is horning in on your act.

The freshman hockey player at Minnesota's Augsburg College says she was attacked on election night by four large black women who noticed her McCain/Palin button. Miss Grossman refused medical attention, and reported the incident the next morning through her mother.

No word of any relevant Twitter posts yet.

A touching display of solemn horseshit

I lived in New York during the massive Northeast blackout of 2003. The national news actually ran stories about how great it was that the city did not burn to the ground with looting and riots. And I remember thinking, "Is New York so bad that we actually get applause just for behaving like normal, rational people?"

I bring this up because Saudi Arabia's King Adbullah was just in New York for some "interfaith dialogue" crapola at the United Nations. And everybody from Tony Blair to the wackadoo Washington Times is falling all over themselves to point out how great it is that the king and other Muslims didn't walk out when Israeli President Shimon Peres got up to speak. They're being applauded for not behaving like total assholes.

And this dialogue, stunt, whatever you call it... it's meant to endorse a statement issued at the end of last summer's Muslim World League "Interfaith Conference," which called for a global law to punish blasphemy. In other words, they want to give religious leaders the right to criminalize and punish any speech or activity they determine to be an insult to religion. So, you know that whole Universal Declaration of Human Rights? Forget about it. Somebody's feelings might get hurt.

Look, before you get your panties in a fatwah, I'm not saying Islam is any worse than any other religion. They're all equally insane. If you're neurotic enough to need religion in your life, fine. Just keep that shit to yourself.

An exclusive first look at my upcoming graphic novel, "That's My Lieberman!"

Prop-tology

The End of the World at the End of the Week's Peter Grumbine was out of town getting married - to a woman! But he's back now, and has turned his critical attention to California's Prop 8 and its supporters, e.g., the Knights of Columbus:


Welcome back, Pete!
Shit! I still owe you guys a wedding present.

Larry Johnson is creepy

Blogger Larry Johnson promises to give politicians "No Quarter" on issues of national security. Since election day, this has meant retreads of some campaign trail favorites, like "Who is Barack Obama?"
You know the script by now: William Ayers, yadda yadda... Marxist... yadda yadda...Rashid Khalidi... Cut Larry some slack - even your favorite TV shows go into reruns from time to time.
But Johnson's leering meditation about the President-elect's daughters made me want to take an After School Special shower:

I do not hate or dislike Barack Obama. I give him full credit for providing his children with something his mother and father did not–a stable nuclear family. And you can tell by how the girls react around Barack that he is a good father. Despite his campaign’s misogyny, he appears to adore his daughters and they return the favor. Having been the legal guardian of my niece from the age of 10 until 16, I have some appreciation for what constitutes a healthy father-daughter relationship.

Ew, right?

Don't go, Joe! It's a trap! There's danger!

The Huffington Post reports that Joe Biden will meet privately with Dick Cheney at the Vice President's official residence.
I honestly fear for the Vice President-elect's safety. Cheney had a man-sized safe installed in his office, and he won't let Google Earth photograph whatever sick, degrading shit it is he gets up to on weekends.
Joe, don't go alone. I'm begging you.

[Thank you, Sparklepony, for the pic!]

Brouny is sorry

Remember the other day, when that great Southern statesman Paul Broun compared Barack Obama to Hitler? Good times.

Well, Broun is sorry... for the way he put it. “I regret putting it that way,” Broun told WGAC radio in Augusta. “I apologize to anyone who has taken offense at that.”

Okay, in that spirit, I would like to apologize to Rep. Broun for calling him "doughy" and "inbred." The Congressman can more accurately be characterized as a jug-eared, clog-dancing, Fundamentalist buffoon with more extra chromosomes than I have had hot dinners.

I feel better. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Aw, c'mon, don't fire the guy

Scott Eckern donated $1,000 in support of California's Proposition 8. 

  Okay, that's not very funny. In fact, it's infuriating that anybody would support such a discriminatory action. 

  But here's the punch line: Scott Eckern is the artistic director of California Musical Theater. Culturally speaking, Eckern is about as gay as a French trombone. 

  News of the donation has some CMT artists and board members calling for his immediate dismissal. But that would be a huge mistake. 

  By all accounts, Eckern is very good at his job, and has never been anything but respectful of his gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered colleagues. He's free to do as he likes with his own time and money. It's tempting, when you're dealing with such an emotionally charged issue as this, to demand payback.  

  But look - they're gonna need somebody to produce Meshuggeh Daddy: The Joe Lieberman Story!

Profiles in Fucking Idiocy: Rep. Paul Broun

Obama is a Nazi Communist and he's building a private army!

Congressman Paul Broun, a doughy, inbred moron from the great state of Georgia, says that under our scary new black President, "we may have a problem with... radical socialism or Marxism." Then he mentioned Hitler. Three times. "I'm not comparing him to Hitler," Brouny added. "What I'm saying is there is the potential."

Since "Republican from Georgia" is legally recognized as synonymous with "retard," I won't waste anybody's time attempting to explain here the difference between Marxism and Nazism. But hey, douchebucket, where were you when Dick Cheney and his boys ganged up to do to the Constitution what Joel Schumacher did to the Batman franchise?

This nitwit also professes a deep and abiding faith in his personal savior, Jesus Christ. And he's happy to bring it up whenever it's politically expedient.

UPDATE! Broun launched a crusade against pornography on military bases. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Okay, so, Lieberman stays in the Democratic caucus

But you just know that Harry Reid is dicking Lieberman's potato salad when they order in lunch.

Everybody Wangchuck Tonight

WTF Bhutan?!? Two days after we Barack the vote, you have to go and crown a muthafuckin' real-life Dragon King.

Obviously, you have in your possession some awesome-ass cheat codes at the game of life. Respect.

The gift that keeps on giving

Sarah Palin will address the Republican Governors' Association this week in Miami FL.

Oh, Goody! My BFF's Gotta New Run-Off Ad!

The Right Honorable Viscount Faxmachine Ignoranceisbliss has a new ad out. It's a 30-second epic of pandering stupidity, and a testament to the horrors of fetal alcohol syndrome and consanguinity:

It was just a small load

So I did it by hand.

Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience.

[Thai porn laundry photo via Weird Asia News]

Ah, shit

Nation of Islam minister Louis Farrakhan says the U.S. can expect "a new beginning" under the leadership of President-elect Barack Obama.

Thanks a lot, Lou.