Sunday, November 30, 2008

WTF break: Toilethomo Teletubbies!


Saturday, November 29, 2008

Deceased Taliban leader was a lazy, lazy transvestite

Transvestism is as valid an expression of your personality as any. But for crying out loud, could you make an effort? 

Taliban leader Haji Yakub was a wanted man for his role in roadside bomb attacks against Afghani and coalition forces in Ghazni. When U.S. soldiers surrounded his house, he hatched an escape plan right out of Scooby-Doo: He dressed in a burqa and huddled with female evacuees. When his ruse was discovered, he attacked the soldiers and was killed.

No shaving, no tucking, no nothing: Dude threw a sheet over his head and thought he could evade justice.

I'm glad they shot him. He's an insult to hard-working, fashion-conscious trannies everywhere. 


Single White A-Holes

Can somebody splain me Ayn Rand's enduring appeal? Why are so many people totally gay for this bug-eyed midgety know-it-all? 

New York magazine browsed the profiles on The Atlasphere, a dating site for Randtards. Here's my favorite: 

"My name is Daniel. I consider myself to be a born-again egoist and have dedicated the rest of my life to self-improvement. People see me as a socially inept loner because I tend to avoid superficial conversation but actually I love talking to people who like to think (the problem being I don't know very many)."

Well, what are you waiting for, ladies?

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Ayman al-Zawahiri's kisich* hurts

The Counterterrorism Blog monitors jihadist reaction to Ayman al-Zawahiri's recent statement about President-elect Barack Obama. Man, I thought Mark Halperin was a whiny bitch:
After observing international press reporting on the incident, these same supporters are now bitterly attacking the media for its "unfair" pro-Obama bias and for deliberately "confusing" the meaning of al-Zawahiri's message.

I don't know the Arabic for "Oh boo-hoo, nobody loves us." So I'll take CTB's word for it.

[*"pussy"]

I am thankful for...

...Married to the Sea!

We need to tell the National Review...

...that we will love it no matter how it lives its life.


[With thanks to Spencer Ackerman]

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

This Guy's Last Name Is German for "I Broke My Foot Off In Your Ass"


Hey, guess what? Florida decided today to not be like Arkansas! But not all are happy, like hawt laydeez man John Stemberger:

John Stemberger, chairman of a successful drive earlier this month to pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage in Florida, called the ruling "classic judicial activism" and predicted it would be reversed on appeal.

"Everywhere in the law where children are affected, the standard must always be what is in the best interest of the child," said Stemberger, an attorney in Orlando. "What is stunning to me is that when it comes to dealing with gays, that standard goes out the window. Children do better with a mother and a father"

I don't know about you, but this Stemberger dude obviously is stomping on the wrong fundie soapbox. His cross-eyed Cro-Magnon head is hella persuasive proof against the theory of evolution.

Sampat Pal Devi is a badass!

Think you've got it rough? Try living in Banda, Uttar Pradesh, one of the poorest regions in India. As an Untouchable. A female Untouchable.

Lower-caste chicks have a mighty tough row to hoe around those parts. And Sampat Pal Devi decided to do something about it. The mother of five has formed a gang - dressed in pink and armed with sticks! - called the Gulabi. Targeting abusive men, as well as the corrupt local cops who protect them, the gang is now several hundred strong.

Where they see abuse, the Gulabi will harrangue, harrass and, if necessary, bring the hurt to husbands who beat their wives, fathers who force underage daughters into arranged marriages, and officials who prevent the poor from receiving their public grain allotment.

"We don't want donations or handouts," the Gulabi insist. "We don't want appeasement or affirmative action. Give us work, pay us proper wages and restore our dignity."

I'm not about to argue with them. They've got sticks!

[With thanks to the good ladies of Lemondrop]

I know it's asking a lot...


... but is there any way we can arrange to make this permanent?

Anne Coulter's jaw wired shut

GOP does the white thing


It's terribly unfair of me to focus entirely on the deviant sexual habits of Republicans, and ignore another facet of this vibrantly diverse party - they're also racists.

South Carolina GOP chair Katon Dawson will stand for his party's national leadership - just as soon as his whites-only country club can process his resignation.

Dawson has been a member of the restricted Forest Lake Club since 1996, and resigned in September. Coincidentally, The State newspaper had been preparing an article about the weak-chinned, impotent lush - mentioning his club affiliation - around that same time.

I'm very sorry. Sometimes I can't see the forest for the toilethomos.

P.S. - why do Southern politicians have such preposterous names?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

"Thank you, Sarah Palin"

"Governor Sarah Palin; a grateful nation wishes to thank you... for your passionate, hopeful and articulate advocacy of common-sense conservative values."

This is hilarious! Really great stuff. Who are you guys? Funny or Die? College Humor? 
Wait, what? This isn't a joke? You're serious

Oh.
Wow.

General Sawasdipol has prepared one dance

















Major General Khattiya Sawasdipol is famous in Thailand for his Rambo-style raids on Communist insurgents. But he has just been redeployed - as an aerobics instructor. 

"The army chief wants me to be a presenter leading aerobics dancers," Gen. Sawasdipol complains. "I have prepared one dance. It's called the 'throwing-a-hand-grenade dance.'"

This guy is awesome.

Fancy college lady doesn't know how teh ghey works

Gay Americans are not being granted fewer rights than their straight counterparts - technically, a gay man does have the right to enter into a marriage with a woman.
Wow. I dropped out of a really shitty college, and even I know that's not how you be gay. Lucy's parents should get a refund.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Openly black rapper releases new album

Despite the success of his first album, The People Vs., Detroit rapper Trick Trick anticipates that his sophomore effort, The Villain, will have limited appeal. Mr. Trick has been marginalized, he believes, because he lives openly as a black man. With lyrics like, "he's a fuckin' faggot so I'm lettin' off my AK," the artist returns to the themes he explored to such effect on his first solo album and in individual tracks produced with white rapper Eminem.

While some regard Trick's race as a sinful lifestyle choice, the rapper insists that many people are just born that way. Rather than hide his true identity, Trick courts controversy with overt displays of blackness: getting crunk, hitting skins with bitches and hos, and busting caps in faggots' asses. In this regard, The Villain is as much a cri de coeur for tolerance and acceptance as it is a musical abortion that nobody will buy.

The Villain is in stores now.

Friday, November 21, 2008

McCain fans don't like bad news


[Ashby is a genius!]

Larry Craig has still got it!


In case you missed yesterday's farewell orgy for convicted felon Ted Stevens, Larry Craig stole the show:
Retiring Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho), famous, of course, for his airport men's room arrest, told the story of how he came to call Stevens "Uncle Ted." Craig said he was in a cab, on his way to the Ted Stevens International Airport in Anchorage, when he pulled up to the curb and said out loud, "Oh my, Ted's got an airport. That's neat."

Yay, bath time!

The Conservative Outpost's Drew McKissick is taking a bath.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Douchestock!

Holy shit! Sean Hannity is producing a concert tour with Rapey McSoulpatch, Grampa Moonshine, Michael W. Smith (whoever the hell that is), Spray Tan Guy With a Forehead Like a Drive-In Screen, and The Dickflap Who Sold Arms to Terrorists! 

I almost want to go, just because tards fascinate me. But with all these homeschool twunts crammed together in one venue, I'm afraid a Douche Singularity might form and suck us into another dimension. 

You're a Right Dickface, Mate!


Gerry Harvey is some old-ass dude who's basically the Sam Walton of Australia. Anyway, he evidently never grew out of that I *HEART* AYN RAND!!!!!1! phase that a lot of white people go through in adolescence, because he's quoted in some new book spouting this lovely bullshit about how charitable donations suck epic ballz:
"So did that million you gave them help? It helped to keep them alive but did it help our society? No. Society might have been better off without them but we are supposed to look after the disadvantaged and so we do it. But it doesn't help the society."
LOL. I hope this queef gets a big bouquet of gin blossoms for Christmas this year.

You stay classy, FOX News!


I have to say, though, that "Dead Lesbian Fugitive" would be an awesome name for a band. Silver lining!

Nobody wants Bush's FAIL cooties


[I wanna git all up in you, Crooks and Liars]

UPDATE: This article puts the video in context, and makes Bush appear like less of a loser. Grumble.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Middle Earth economist is right






On last night's Rachel Maddow Show, guest host Alison Stewart talked with Nobel laureate economist Paul Krugman about the bent-knee bailout plea by auto industry execs, who arrived in Washington aboard private jets. Krugman argued in favor of the bailout, on the grounds that the economy, in its current state, could not weather the sinking of such a huge industry. But, he allowed, these execs "are not good guys."

I agree with Mr. Krugman on both points.

In a related story, I was walking home from work last night, and I had to cross a bridge. And Paul Krugman jumped up and refused to let me cross until I answered three riddles.

Officer Art Michel: my diagnosis


Schmuck Alert Central introduces us to Officer Art Michel of the Oakland, CA school district police force. A local photojournalist allegedly hits the cop's cruiser with her elbow, and the fat fuck goes ballistic. The video must be seen to be believed.

Abuses of police authority like this drive me insane, because - aside from being hugely douchey - they erode the respect that good cops deserve. Petty rage puppets like Ofc. Michel are an insult to the uniform.

But why is he the way he is? I suggest that Michel's anger issues stem from either:
a) impotence, or
b) an increasingly troublesome, conflicted, repressed homosexuality
Hey, look. Don't shoot the messenger. I just call them as I see them.
[Thanks, Boing Boing!]

Pope Benedict XVI gives his weekly general audience on November 19, 2008 at St Peter's Square at the Vatican


[Thank you, Mr. Sullivan!]

Da fuck you just say, bitch?

Al Qaeda second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri dropped a new video today. In it, the smelly old pervert, who wipes his ass with his bare hand and whose religion is even crazier than Mormonism, tries to convince Muslims and Arabs that Barack Obama does not represent any change in U.S. policies:
Speaking in Arabic, al-Zawahri uses the term "abeed al-beit," which literally translates as "house slaves." But al-Qaida supplied English subtitles of his speech that included the translation as "house Negroes."

As my drunk, degenerate, dear friend Wil would say, "it's on. Like a pot of neck bones."

Man-Hands flip-flops


Michelle Bachmann, who somehow managed to keep "her" huge, veiny masculine hands on "her" House seat, can't seem to make up "her" mind about Barack Obama.

Just last month, the cock-tucker told Chris Matthews that Barack Obama was "very anti-American," and called for a McCarthy-style investigation. But last night, "she" told chubby Irish alcoholic Sean Hannity that the President-elect's cabinet picks represent "more of the same."

Bachmann is really unstable. Has "she" started hormone therapy? That could explain the mood swings.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Shitfuckpiss

Imagine there was a movie - no, two movies - that you had been looking forward to all summer. Now imagine that they have both been arbitrarily pulled from distribution, so you'll never get to see them. That's how I feel right now. 

I've been dreaming of these elaborate Senate ceremonies: loud, ugly orgies of vituperation and ritual shaming for convicted felon Ted Stevens and backstabbing twat Joe Lieberman. They would be conducted in accordance with some dusty book held by the Rules Committee; a book that had never before been opened. 

Then Lieberman got off with a slap on the wrist, and Stevens had to go and lose. 

The only thing keeping me alive right now is the hope that Stevens will demand a recount. But it's not looking good. 

Today is a bummer.

I love you, Wonkette!

The DC gossip blog nails the whole Bill Kristol affair. It's a long post, so I'll just give you the highlights:

He's a hack, he's never right, he's a smug douche...

Another interesting thing about Bill Kristol is that he is much shorter and fatter in real life. Your Wonkette saw him in New Hampshire and St. Paul and were like, “Whoa hey this guy is much shorter and fatter in real life.”


I want to make babies with Wonkette.

Shut up, Fatty!



Conservative blogger Drew McKissick, who is so fat that he beeps when walking backwards, is bitching about ongoing efforts to overturn California's Prop 8.
Now gay marriage supporters (including govt. officials such as Gov. Schwarzenegger and AG "Moonbeam" Brown) want the court to say a constitutional amendment is, well, "unconstitutional". If that's declared to be the case, then most people would be forgiven for thinking that their input means nothing.

I'm not interested in debating the case's merit. But I must remind you all that Drew McKissick is so fat that he irons his clothes in the driveway. He's so fat he sweats butter.

He's so fat he will die all alone and crying because nobody loves him

One bright day in the future...

Everybody will talk like this.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Toilethomo in the on-deck circle?

I don't mean to brag, but I can spot a toilethomo a mile off. It's just a gift. I'm like Nate Silver, without the Asperger's. And given his obsession with the gay marriage issue, Focus on the Family's James Dobson will be discovered any day now, kneeling in a toilet and yukkin' on a big boy. 

But until this fundamentalist meets his inevitable rendezvous with a throbbing faceful of karmic comeuppance, we can ponder this: For the third year in a row, Dobson's Focus on the Family con has had to cut staff

Jimbo's praying so hard for Jesus to help curb his voracious wiener appetite that he let the business slide. C'mon, J-Dawg; the economy is in the shitter. You need to focus. 

Seriously, Gore?

Gore Vidal's diaper is in a bunch over an interview he recently gave to the Spanish language edition of Vanity Fair. At issue, near as I can figure, is his own discomfort with being outed as a racist.

Decrying the sorry state of public discourse, the old fart rhapsodized about societies that nurtured the growth of ruling elite classes. He described Harry Truman as a helot, which is what Spartans called their slave underclass.

He has a huge boner for Douglas MacArthur, calling him "Shogun, the Mikado... a character from Shakespeare." Oh, pull your skirt down, Gore. Quoting from Mac Daddy's farewell address at West Point, he sniffed that "nobody in America gives a speech like that anymore."

At this point, journalist Andrew Gumbel had the temerity to suggest that Barack Obama is an eloquent speaker. And Gore said - are you sitting down? - “Slaves have a hard time making poetry, unless it’s got a beat.”

THIS CAR MUST BE DESTROYED


If you find yourself renting a full-size car from Budget, and they give you a Chevy Malibu, it's because Budget is trying to kill you, the blind spot on this piece of shit is that bad.

I know Prince is celibate, but he can still go fuck himself


Prince is a tiresome little shithead who wrote a couple of cool songs like 20 years ago. But for some reason, the New Yorker wanted to know what he thought about gay marriage:
When asked about his perspective on social issues—gay marriage, abortion—Prince tapped his Bible and said, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ ”

Exactly.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Saints preserve us!

What's with the mackerel snappers hating on Barack Obama supporters? First, Father Fatty Chrome-Dome denies them the sacraments; now this wad personally runs a parishoner out of the building. And then lies about it.

Rev. Sebastian Meyer didn't like the Obama stickers on Elizabeth Caster's car.  Such a difference of opinion generally falls under the heading of "tough shit" in this country, where freedom of expression is protected in our Constitution. Well, fuck that, the priest thought. I've got me a pulpit, and I'm gonna use it! 

Meyer singled Caster out in front of the whole assembled congregation, and ordered her to leave. He even walked her out of the building himself and told her she could not park anywhere near the church. 

Of course he apologized as soon as the story got out. "I over-reacted, and some of you, including the owner of the car, interpreted my remarks as critical of President-elect Barack Obama," Meyer mewled. Several witnesses contradict Meyer's version of the incident, but I can't say for sure that he's lying. So instead I will remind you all that Catholic priests are perverts. 

THESE HATS MUST BE DESTROYED

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Dick!

Dick Morris loves to have sex with whores. This is the only thing about him that makes any sense to me. 

With Alaska's Ted Stevens and Minnesota's Norm Coleman set for Senate race recount shellackings, Dick and other creeps are rallying around sweaty fat cracker Saxby Chambliss. The Georgia incumbent faces Jim Martin in a runoff election which, Dick says, is conservatism's last stand against political impotence. 

If Chambliss loses his Senate seat, Dick reasons, a filibuster-proof Barack Obama will send Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh to a gulag by repealing the Fairness Doctrine. 


He's all worked up about terrorists and illegal immigrants and other scary people too. "Conservatism is too important to leave to the Republican party," he yowls. Apparently the movement's only hope is the insane.
 

Friday, November 14, 2008

Get your (Jesus) freak on!

You've seen mega-churches on TV. They're those 20,000-seat Jesus arenas where rubes gather to get hustled by some toothy swindler in a thousand-dollar suit. These seedy freak shows also hate - hate! - teh ghey.


As fair-minded Americans march to demand equal marriage rights for all, the ringmaster of the Fellowship Church in Dallas, TX wants to "reclaim" sex for married couples, by screwing his wife for seven days straight.

Rev. Ed Young's old lady is presumably on board with the stunt. I just hope they do it doggy style, so the poor heifer doesn't have to see that rapey, acromegalic grill of his twisted into a retard-like rictus of climax.

"No cookie for you!"


A Catholic priest in South Carolina has told his flock that their support of Barack Obama is sinful, and they cannot receive Communion until they apologize.

In a letter to his parishoners, Rev. Jay Scott Newman of St. Mary's Catholic Church in Greenville, SC, said, "voting for a pro-abortion politician when a plausible pro-life alternative exits [sic] constitutes material cooperation with intrinsic evil." He warned that anybody who voted for Barack Obama "should not receive Holy Communion until and unless they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

The only other major contender for the White House was an insane old man and a shrill, stupid woman who knows nothing of the world, so parishoners could argue that no such plausible alternative existed.

"Holy Communion" is a savage Catholic ritual in which adherents believe they are literally eating the flesh and drinking the blood of Jesus Christ. The practice is one of many reasons why Catholicism is widely regarded as a gutter religion for superstitious, filthy peasants.

Bad Touch!


That ain't right.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Shitty Furniture for Your Shitty McMansion

I don't know about you, but every morning on the television where I live, these two piece-of-shit ads run nonstop:


An epileptic monkey surely 1) could make a better ad using Adobe Premiere Elements (evidently already the software of choice in these obvious soon-to-be Clio-winning masterpieces); 2) would have better taste.

God bless you, Mr. West!


"I have sacrificed real life to be a celebrity and to give this art to people."

I'll just go ahead and say it



Michelle Obama is a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
Okay, now we can move forward together as a nation.

Annie Grossman is the new Ashley Todd

Watch out, B Girl! Annie Grossman is horning in on your act.

The freshman hockey player at Minnesota's Augsburg College says she was attacked on election night by four large black women who noticed her McCain/Palin button. Miss Grossman refused medical attention, and reported the incident the next morning through her mother.

No word of any relevant Twitter posts yet.

A touching display of solemn horseshit


I lived in New York during the massive Northeast blackout of 2003. The national news actually ran stories about how great it was that the city did not burn to the ground with looting and riots. And I remember thinking, "Is New York so bad that we actually get applause just for behaving like normal, rational people?"

I bring this up because Saudi Arabia's King Adbullah was just in New York for some "interfaith dialogue" crapola at the United Nations. And everybody from Tony Blair to the wackadoo Washington Times is falling all over themselves to point out how great it is that the king and other Muslims didn't walk out when Israeli President Shimon Peres got up to speak. They're being applauded for not behaving like total assholes.

And this dialogue, stunt, whatever you call it... it's meant to endorse a statement issued at the end of last summer's Muslim World League "Interfaith Conference," which called for a global law to punish blasphemy. In other words, they want to give religious leaders the right to criminalize and punish any speech or activity they determine to be an insult to religion. So, you know that whole Universal Declaration of Human Rights? Forget about it. Somebody's feelings might get hurt.

Look, before you get your panties in a fatwah, I'm not saying Islam is any worse than any other religion. They're all equally insane. If you're neurotic enough to need religion in your life, fine. Just keep that shit to yourself.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

An exclusive first look at my upcoming graphic novel, "That's My Lieberman!"

Prop-tology

The End of the World at the End of the Week's Peter Grumbine was out of town getting married - to a woman! But he's back now, and has turned his critical attention to California's Prop 8 and its supporters, e.g., the Knights of Columbus:


Welcome back, Pete!
Shit! I still owe you guys a wedding present.

Larry Johnson is creepy

Blogger Larry Johnson promises to give politicians "No Quarter" on issues of national security. Since election day, this has meant retreads of some campaign trail favorites, like "Who is Barack Obama?"
You know the script by now: William Ayers, yadda yadda... Marxist... yadda yadda...Rashid Khalidi... Cut Larry some slack - even your favorite TV shows go into reruns from time to time.
But Johnson's leering meditation about the President-elect's daughters made me want to take an After School Special shower:
I do not hate or dislike Barack Obama. I give him full credit for providing his children with something his mother and father did not–a stable nuclear family. And you can tell by how the girls react around Barack that he is a good father. Despite his campaign’s misogyny, he appears to adore his daughters and they return the favor. Having been the legal guardian of my niece from the age of 10 until 16, I have some appreciation for what constitutes a healthy father-daughter relationship.
Ew, right?

Don't go, Joe! It's a trap! There's danger!

The Huffington Post reports that Joe Biden will meet privately with Dick Cheney at the Vice President's official residence.
I honestly fear for the Vice President-elect's safety. Cheney had a man-sized safe installed in his office, and he won't let Google Earth photograph whatever sick, degrading shit it is he gets up to on weekends.
Joe, don't go alone. I'm begging you.

[Thank you, Sparklepony, for the pic!]

Brouny is sorry


Remember the other day, when that great Southern statesman Paul Broun compared Barack Obama to Hitler? Good times.

Well, Broun is sorry... for the way he put it. “I regret putting it that way,” Broun told WGAC radio in Augusta. “I apologize to anyone who has taken offense at that.”

Okay, in that spirit, I would like to apologize to Rep. Broun for calling him "doughy" and "inbred." The Congressman can more accurately be characterized as a jug-eared, clog-dancing, Fundamentalist buffoon with more extra chromosomes than I have had hot dinners.

I feel better. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Aw, c'mon, don't fire the guy



Scott Eckern donated $1,000 in support of California's Proposition 8. 
  Okay, that's not very funny. In fact, it's infuriating that anybody would support such a discriminatory action. 
  But here's the punch line: Scott Eckern is the artistic director of California Musical Theater. Culturally speaking, Eckern is about as gay as a French trombone. 
  News of the donation has some CMT artists and board members calling for his immediate dismissal. But that would be a huge mistake. 
  By all accounts, Eckern is very good at his job, and has never been anything but respectful of his gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered colleagues. He's free to do as he likes with his own time and money. It's tempting, when you're dealing with such an emotionally charged issue as this, to demand payback.  
  But look - they're gonna need somebody to produce Meshuggeh Daddy: The Joe Lieberman Story!

Profiles in Fucking Idiocy: Rep. Paul Broun

Obama is a Nazi Communist and he's building a private army!

Congressman Paul Broun, a doughy, inbred moron from the great state of Georgia, says that under our scary new black President, "we may have a problem with... radical socialism or Marxism." Then he mentioned Hitler. Three times. "I'm not comparing him to Hitler," Brouny added. "What I'm saying is there is the potential."

Since "Republican from Georgia" is legally recognized as synonymous with "retard," I won't waste anybody's time attempting to explain here the difference between Marxism and Nazism. But hey, douchebucket, where were you when Dick Cheney and his boys ganged up to do to the Constitution what Joel Schumacher did to the Batman franchise?

This nitwit also professes a deep and abiding faith in his personal savior, Jesus Christ. And he's happy to bring it up whenever it's politically expedient.

UPDATE! Broun launched a crusade against pornography on military bases. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Monday, November 10, 2008

Okay, so, Lieberman stays in the Democratic caucus

But you just know that Harry Reid is dicking Lieberman's potato salad when they order in lunch.

Everybody Wangchuck Tonight


WTF Bhutan?!? Two days after we Barack the vote, you have to go and crown a muthafuckin' real-life Dragon King.

Obviously, you have in your possession some awesome-ass cheat codes at the game of life. Respect.

The gift that keeps on giving


Sarah Palin will address the Republican Governors' Association this week in Miami FL.

Oh, Goody! My BFF's Gotta New Run-Off Ad!

The Right Honorable Viscount Faxmachine Ignoranceisbliss has a new ad out. It's a 30-second epic of pandering stupidity, and a testament to the horrors of fetal alcohol syndrome and consanguinity:

It was just a small load


So I did it by hand.

Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience.

[Thai porn laundry photo via Weird Asia News]

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Ah, shit

Nation of Islam minister Louis Farrakhan says the U.S. can expect "a new beginning" under the leadership of President-elect Barack Obama.


Thanks a lot, Lou.

I had almost forgotten about this choad

Virgil Goode, a Republican Congressman of no particular use to anybody, and who rode a wave of fundamentalist cant and anti-furriner hysteria to brief notoriety on the Fox News Channel, has been kicked to the curb by the people of Virginia's 5th District.



Sunday funnies break

If you don't love Al Capp, we have nothing to say to each other. If you don't know who Al Capp is, trot your ass over to the Hollywood Animation Archive, double-quick.  

Capp was a huge influence on Harvey Kurtzman, whose Mad magazine began as a comic book that satirized other comic books. Kurtzman ran every comic icon, from Archie and Jughead to Superman, through his ruthless mill. But he steered clear of Dick Tracy. Capp had already said all there was to say on that subject with his trigger-happy gumshoe, Fearless Fosdick.

You're welcome.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

The Palin Song

This just might be the best thing ever to have resulted from Sarah Palin's candidacy. 

Uh-oh, trouble in paradise?

Next month's Vanity Fair will feature a 10,000-word excerpt from Michael Wolff's biography of Rupert Murdoch. Wolff says the mogul is sometimes embarrassed by his own Fox News Channel and its enormous president, Roger Ailes: 
"For a long time, he was in love with the Fox chief, Roger Ailes, because he was even more Murdoch than Murdoch... And yet now the embarrassment can't be missed - he mumbles even more than usual when called on to justify it; he barely pretends to hide the way he feels about Bill O'Reilly"

PS - did Michael Wolff get paid to write an article for the magazine where he works, promoting his own upcoming book? That guy is a fucking genius. 

Space church wants teh gheys to play nice



The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints issued a statement yesterday, in the aftermath of protests against its support of  California's Prop 8.
  The insane cult, founded by a con man and filled with dusty old perverts, has been dogged with demonstrations at its weirdo temples ever since it helped get the measure passed. 
  "We call on those involved in the debate over same-sex marriage to act in a spirit of mutual respect and civility towards each other," the statement read. 
  Fuck that!

George W. Bush, steward of the environment

W's Bureau of Land Management just expanded its oil and gas lease program in eastern Utah to include land on or near the borders of three national parks.
The President then borrowed 50 bucks, fucked your wife, and drank your last beer.

Friday, November 7, 2008

GOP Butthurt All-Stars Tour '08: Cuntry First!!!1!


You know how all the rickrollin' d-bags from the just-current season of American Idol each summer have a baby with Ticketmaster at the prom and then abandon it at mid-sized arenas and state fairs around the country? Good news! The Republican party is about to do the same in Georgia!

Sen. Saxxxby Shambli$$* is in a run-off with this dude called Jim Martin, and guess what! Saxxxby's got lined up the greatest hits to come stump for him over the next three weeks: Jamakain, Mittens Romney, Rudy 9ui11iani, F*ckabee, and (maybe! oh, if only we can clap loud enough!) Governor Mooselini herself! Oh, and that asshole Newt, for the 90s nostaligia, or whatever.

*Yes, that is his real name, and here's the Cliff Notes: Saxxxby loves him some war-on-terraporn, and he's a ridiculously-monikered queef from the obvious terroristic target-hot-spot of Moultrie. He also got a shitload of Vietnam deferments for gimpy knees from playing football that have now (PRAISE JEEBUS!) been healed so that he may count jogging as a favorite form of recreation.

Time for Mark Larsen to update his resume


Well, this took less time than I had thought it would. Mark Larsen of Tampa's WWBA-AM radio did a shift in blackface the other day. Yup.
The self-styled Libertarian, who previously had name-checked a local eatery with his witty observation that African Americans waiting to vote "looked like the line for takeout at Big Tim’s Barbecue," insists that he meant no insult. It is his right to wear blackface, Larsen argues. "If Dave Chappelle can wear whiteface and make fun of white people, then I should be able to do this," he says. "The point I’m making is there’s a double standard here, and I don’t abide by the double standard."
If you'd like to discuss Mark's fascinating views, contact the station.
Also, blackface on the radio?

OMG! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS!!!


Maya Angelou says she's going to write a poem about Barack Obama!

Jeff Flint's pussy hurts

As a strategist for the campaign in support of California's Prop 8, Jeff Flint will probably, statistically speaking, soon be found having sex with strangers in a public toilet. This is science.
He'll shit on your civil rights, old Jeff will, but don't let him hear you say boo about Mormons! The crazy space church, full of wizened old desert bums who fuck children, donated more than $20 million to support the constitutional amendment. The wacky cult has, naturally, come under fire as a result.
"I am appalled at the level of Mormon-bashing that went on during the Proposition 8 campaign and continues to this day," Jeff boo-hooed. "If this activity were directed against any other church, if someone put up a website that targeted Jews or Catholics in a similar fashion for the mere act of participating in a political campaign, it would be widely and rightfully condemned."
Okay, in the interest of fairness, Jews and Catholics can all eat shit too. I don't care what your imaginary friend in the sky says about teh ghey.
And I'm right about Jeff. You just know I am.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

GOP will eat itself

Red State is not happy. And in classic Republican form, they are compiling an enemies list. The first three honorees - operatives whose careers Red State proposes to systematically trash - are:
It's early days yet. That list will get a lot longer as McCain/Palin staffers continue to shit on each other. It might end up being good for the Republican party, if true conservatives can rescue it from neocons and religious fanatics.

But for now, let's just enjoy the entertaining spectacle of sore losers and whiny bitches.




Bush is incompetent: This is science

Historians agree that the word most used to label George W. Bush's presidency will be "incompetent," CNN reports.
This conclusion is based on an exhaustive survey of the nation's top academics in the field of Things That Are Completely Fucking Obvious.

GodTV's greatest hits

If you didn't catch GodTV's two-hour "election special," you're in for a treat. This 10-minute "best-of" clip is a cavalcade of fundamentalist crazies. All your favorites are here, from half-ton homo hater John Hagee to Hulk Hogan soundalike Lou Engle.

But the real star of the show is Cindy Jacobs. The co-founder of Generals International is an evangelical triple threat: crazy, stupid and loud. Scrub to 4:04 in the video for her set. Am I nuts, or is she a Gilda Radner character that somehow escaped the TV and got religion?

Somebody needs to make a porno called "Trickle Down Fans" right! Now!

The excellent Stop All Monsters introduces us to what I hope becomes a very, very popular phrase.

The dream ticket

The staunchly batshit All-American Blogger made my morning with this banner ad:

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Dance, Droopy Dawg, dance!

"Now that the election is over, it is time to put partisan considerations aside and come together as a nation to solve the difficult challenges we face and make our blessed land stronger and safer." -- Sen. Joe Lieberman



TRANSLATION: Please don't take away my committee chairmanships. Pretty please? I'll bring Krispy Kremes every morning. C'mon. It's me, Joey.

Alleged heterosexual uses the phrase "delicious irony"


Obese, womanish conservative blogger Drew McKissick is as happy as Larry Craig in a public toilet over the passage of California's Prop 8. And he can't resist noting what he calls the "delicious irony" that increased voter turnout in minority communities helped put the measure over the top.

"Delicious irony?" Seriously, Muffin Tops? The last time I heard somebody use that phrase, it was in a conversation about Stephen Sondheim and buttsex.

Jeffrey Scott Shapiro is not happy

From today's Wall Street Journal:
The treatment President Bush has received from this country is nothing less than a disgrace. The attacks launched against him have been cruel and slanderous, proving to the world what little character and resolve we have.
Somebody call the waaaaaah-mbulance.


Not for Nothing that "Arkansas" Spells "A Rank Ass"


Before the whiny fundies were told to vacate the premises yesterday, several of them decided to take a big dump all over a few state constitutions and codes. One of these klassy upper-deckers was Arkansas Act 1, by which "unmarried couples" are now barred from adopting or acting as foster parents. It's a truly heartwarming sequel to Arkansas' own '04 state constitutional same-sex marriage ban, as it basically shouts a hearty "fuck you!" at all parent-/guardian-less kids knocking around the 45th most awesomest state in the U.S.A. to be a kid. Have fun duking it out for the filial attentions of hetero commonlaw meth addicts, you little rascals you!

Listen up, Jesus


I don't want to harsh my good mood right now. But you and I need to talk soon about your boys. Especially those freaks in Utah. I mean, WTF? Prop 8?
I'm telling you this as a friend. These assholes are really fucking with your rep.
Aiight, peace.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Hey, fellow white liberals


This is awesome! Just don't fuck it up, okay? I mean, don't pretend that this election means as much to you as it does to people of color. 

I'm not saying don't celebrate. I'm just saying, don't horn your way into every damn celebration there is. The message we heard tonight was - finally - we're all Americans! 

This is a better country than the one I woke up in. 

Old Woman Hips is at it again


Lying conservative butter-whale Drew McKissick served up another steaming pile of untruths this afternoon. The greatest hits from his 10 Things You Should Know About Barack Obama:
Sex-Ed: As a state senator in Illinois, Obama vote to extend compulsory sex education from the twelfth grade all the way down to kindergarten. When defending himself on the issue he said it was “absolutely the right thing to do”.
Sorry, Wide-Ride: This claim has been described as "simply false" by factcheck.org.
Free speech: He, and the Democrat leadership, want to revisit the “Fairness Doctrine”, (which was removed in the mid ‘80’s), that requires broadcast radio and TV stations to “balance” all opinions and be accountable to the government’s notion of equal time for opposing views. The point? To eviscerate the one place where conservatives have dominance – talk radio.
Once again, wrong. Read the trades much, Fatty?
Gay rights: He supports adoption of children by homosexuals; supports allowing homosexuals to openly serve in the military; supports the repeal of the federal Defense of Marriage Act, (which defines marriage, for federal purposes, as the union of one man and one woman), and he opposes amendments to state constitutions and the federal constitution that would do the same.
Uh, yeah, that's about right. And fuck you if you propose to treat gay and lesbian people as anything but full citizens.
Oh, and he closes with a dumb-fat-white-guy favorite:
Official English: Obama opposes making English the official language of the United States, saying, "Understand this: instead of worrying about whether immigrants can learn English…you need to make sure your child can speak Spanish."
Lazy, lazy Tubby! You elided the quote. Citing provisions in some state constitutions that require legal forms and other documents be made available in a variety of languages, Sen. Obama said this is not a Federal matter. "I believe this is a States rights issue," he argued, "and those constitutions of those States ought to be respected. I do not believe it is a matter we ought to be imposing here from Washington DC."

Have fun watching the returns tonight, you waddling bag of type 2 diabetes!

What if Samuel Beckett wrote a current-affairs show for Italian TV?

I think it might look a little something like this:

Here's a sticker for ya

Shirley Nagel's Twitter

I've been following America's favorite neighbor since Halloween. Here's how she's spending Election Day.

Oh, what a time to be alive!

A black man is within reach of the highest office in the land, and clowns can do kung-fu!



That warmth you feel on your brain? That's sunshine, my friend.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Drew McKissick: racist, fatty


I count on sites like The Conservative Outpost to get shit wrong. Take this shovelful from Drew McKissick, for example. Viewing a YouTube clip of a young mother at the Miami Obama rally, the effeminate fat fatty misreads her reaction through what I can only assume is racism.


If Obama wins, Peggy Joseph says, she won't have to work at putting gas in her car or paying her mortgage. Paying the mortgage and gassing up the car have both become very difficult for many Americans, thanks to the corrupt chicanery of the Bush cabal. So yeah, we do have to "work at" these things, more than ever before.
But Drew? He hears just another black hard-luck case begging for a handout: "Well, now we know some of the other reasons some of The One's supporters are on his bandwagon," he writes. "Free gas and mortgage payments."
Have another donut, you fat fuck. And what's with that suit? Did you just come from an audition for The Music Man?

Cut it out, Germany


Hundreds Flock to See Toilet Art
BERLIN (Reuters) – A public toilet in Munich which has been transformed into an art museum has attracted hundreds of people in the first days after opening, a spokesman for the city's tourism agency said on Thursday.

Built in 1894, the toilet house was originally constructed to serve nearby households which lacked necessary facilities.

After being in use for over a hundred years, the toilets were locked up in 1992 because they were very rarely used.

"On the night we opened, around 800 people came to see our work," initiator of the museum project, Mathias Koehler told Reuters.

He said that a toilet was a great place for artistic expression because art is a form of relief in the same way that going to the toilet is.

The art exhibited is mainly graffiti often with a political theme. Examples include images of Barack Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel flanking a urinal in the corner of the room. Four artists contributed their work to the exhibition.

Although the 70-square meter museum is only temporary, Koehler said he could not rule out making it permanent if public interest remains high.

Tom Metzger thinks John McCain is scary

Esquire just published a handy scorecard of prominent racists and the candidates they support. White Aryan Resistance founder Tom Metzger is an Obama man.
Huh?
Yup! Wanna know why? He thinks John McCain is scary.
This guy, who's basically Dr. Evil with less charisma, is worried about John McCain.
Some days this blog writes itself.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

OH GOD DAMN IT

Shrill, horrible trailer bat Chris Crocker speaks up for Barack Obama. Crocker is so annoying that this could possibly cancel out Cheney's endorsement of John McCain.

Is Azeroth red or blue?

This is fantastic. Rich Kuras enters the Warcraft world to poll gamers on the election.

McCain has a lock on the mean, crazy old lady vote

Every neighborhood has the weird old person who just doesn't get Halloween. We actually had a few where I grew up. At one house, we got dog biscuits. An old widower a few doors down gave us Tums. And one year the Murphys handed out dinner rolls. This is the truth. But at least we got something. We had nice weird people. But Shirley Nagel is different. She's weird and mean. 
  This wackadoo from Grosse Pointe Farms, MI, had pretty good snacks on offer - fun-sized bags of peanut M&Ms. But here's the tricky part: No treats for Obama supporters or their children. 


That house is so getting egged.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Terence Carey: Toilethomo?


Orange County, CA's Terence Carey believes that marriage is specifically and only a union between a man and a woman. Statistically speaking, Carey - who is a staunch supporter of California's Proposition 8 - is a toilethomo
  This is not libel. It is a scientific conclusion, based on my anecdotal research into the furtive habits of socially conservative scolds. Simply put, my theorem is this: If you seek to legislate morality, you will eventually be discovered down on your scabby knees, gargling semen in a public toilet. I'm sorry, Terence. The numbers don't lie.