Wednesday, December 31, 2008
The (Polish) joke's on you, Joe!
Dane Cook is to the art of stand-up comedy as Charles Manson is to the Labianca family. So it is with great pleasure that I read TMZ's report that the fratty douchewad's own brother has been ripping him off for years.
Of course, the bad news is he'll probably have to tour again to recoup his losses. Why can't he just die?
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Bush Is a Book Lover
Who are you all of a sudden, Mr. Funny? This is hilarious!
"In the 35 years I've known George W. Bush, he's always had a book nearby. He plays up being a good ol' boy from Midland, Texas, but he was a history major at Yale and graduated from Harvard Business School. You don't make it through either unless you are a reader."Or, you know, you belong to an incalculably wealthy dynasty of baby-raping secret society creeps.
Or has it? In a development that should be more surprising than it is, Republicans are rallying around this terminally un-funny douchetruck: “When I found out what this was about I had to ask, ‘Boy, what’s the big deal here?’" says Maine GOP chairman Mark Ellis. Who you calling "boy," Mark?
And Paul Reynolds of the Alabama Republican Committee thinks Saltsman "was doing everyone a favor... This is just people looking for something to make an issue of."
And Saltsman's old boss, Mike Huckabee, says "no one who knows him would ever suggest that he in any way would purposely disparage other people." Except he did.
It's not a cross burning, it's a cross lighting! Can't we all just get along?
Monday, December 29, 2008
Noting the trend among print and broadcast news organizations to scale back their Iraq war coverage - due in part to the expense of maintaining overseas bureaus - Gary babbles:
Ironic, how that sluggish economy excuse can be noted for the lack of coverage in Iraq military victory. Aren't these the same networks that have been trying to pin the "Recession" label on President Bush for, seemingly, the last 4 years now?
Okay, so reporting that the economy is a factor in a network's decision to scale back war coverage obviates the argument that Bush is responsible for said fucked economy... how, exactly?
I miss you, Drew.
Outgoing President Bush will take his family Bible home with him to Crawford, TX:
I'm gonna take it down a little, with the sweetly melancholy song stylings of Ms. Barbara Streisand.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Book early at the Marihuana restaurant (Weird Asia News)
Friday, December 26, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Anchorage, Alaska, is a kinda like if Reykjavik, Iceland, were to become a huge tweaker with a ginormous gun collection. But you know what? That's not always a bad thing, because does Reykjavik have a Snowzilla? HELL NO! That is some Grade-A USDA awesomeness right there... until the city of Anchorage killed Snowzilla on Sunday.
BUT TAKE NOTE, HATERS! "For lo, there were in the same city pranksters abiding in the street, keeping watch over their shovels by night, and the glory of the Lord shone 'round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto to you is born this day in the city of big wild life a big-ass snowman, which is totally awesome."
Snowzilla is totally like Christmas and Easter rolled into one, which surely means double the chocolate, and likely makes ol' Ratzy butthurt about some imagined something on account of his Prada loafers being too tight.
But even I would have taken, like, five minutes to brainstorm some alternate names for this "Monkey Man" action figure.
Okay, it's the Turkish economy, but still. Who'd've thought it?
Shoe Hurled at Bush Flies Off Turkish Maker’s Shelves (Bloomberg News)
Monday, December 22, 2008
If this dude isn't found in a bathroom with a wide stance and a hooker in the next year, someone's not doing their job.Anybody want to start a pool?
Gert and Irving's baby boy is coasting through his final days at the New York Times with predictable horseshit like this valentine to Dick Cheney. Of VP Voldemort's exit interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday, he says:
No spin. No doubletalk. A cogent defense of his action — and one that shows a well-considered sense of justice... Indeed, if justice is seeking to give each his due, one might say that Dick Cheney aspires to being a just man. And a thoughtful one, because he knows that justice is sometimes too harsh, and should be tempered by civility.
Did you swallow, Bill? Or did Cheney pull out and finish on your face?
Sunday, December 21, 2008
This YT poster has a collection of vids about Sarah Palin (whom she loves), Jeffrey Dahmer (fascinated by), George Carlin (how'd he get in here?), and she has made several comp-videos of Sharon Tate pics set to old popular songs. She is glad Susan Atkins wasn't granted parole, she wants her to rot in hell -- she's also a criminal justice student. She also makes tribute videos to a singer named Sharon Den Adel and her professor who is also named Sharon.
Her beautiful, snow-flecked Merry Xmas msg to Sarah Palin has this note attached. I hope her criminal justice classes are going well.
Just want to say Merry Christmas to Sarah Palin and her family.
Wishing you the best for you and your family.
P.S. IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO CONTRIBUTE TO THIS VIDEO, EITHER GO FUCK YOURSELF OR GO KILL YOURSELF, DON'T COME HERE TO LEFT RUDE COMMENT TOWARD HER. GET A LIFE. MOTHERFUCKER
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I don’t know the details of his personal life, but I am certain of this: on the average day, Kenneth Starr thinks about dicks ten times more than I do.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Pennsylvania SPCA officers found some sick freak selling "gothic kittens" - with ear, neck and tail piercings - out of her home.
Why are people so fucked up? And may I hit them?
[Black Metal Kittens via LinerNotes]
Christmas is ruined.
No, not that Tony Perkins, stupid. I'm talking about the queef in charge of the Family Research Council. He's one of those alleged heterosexuals who spends a suspicious amount of time thinking about what teh gheys get up to behind closed doors.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
I bet you thought Alaskans were just a bunch of idiots. But guess what? They're also racists!
State workers have been trading racist jokes about Barack Obama and his family, using their government email accounts. I guess there are some things you don't trust to Yahoo, huh?
The Great Monkey Rebellion has begun! (Telegraph)
Matty got drunk and hit on a Playboy model (Bush League)
Santa's a Hippie (WFMU)
I love BSG. Shut up (io9)
Oh fuck! It's Gas-House McGinty! (Pulp of the Day)
Faith Nelson has big things ahead of her (Holy Taco)
Casey is cheap (Modern Hiker)
Miss World is dumb and smells like cabbage (English Russia)
It's watching you! (Today and Tomorrow)
This dude gets paid to fly a blimp! (Blimpin' Ain't Easy)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I would like to apologize to everybody who had a hand in raising and educating me. I'm not your fault.
In a recent Language Log post, the great Scot dubbed Illinois' embattled governor "Rod Blagofuckinjevich." The waggish allusion to Blago's colorful vocabulary elicits a chuckle, sure. But that's murder to pronounce.
In the best scholarly tradition, Prof. Pullum revisited his own work, and concluded, "I put the insultingly inserted expletive into his name in the wrong place."
Thanks for the update, Prof! So, where the fuck would you put it?
[Great fuckin' blog, Mr. Sullivan!]
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
To be fair, Seacrest expressed reservations about airing some of Mrs. B's more inflammatory remarks. I find his judgment admirable and his candor refreshing, and this has nothing to do with the fact that he could probably have me fired.
[hat-tip to Disgrasian]
Monday, December 15, 2008
Meet Hansi, a nudist farmer from Germany and reality TV superstar. And guess what! On last week's episode, this crazy mofo decided to do his own chicken fingering:
"The 71-year-old contestant on the fourth series of Germany's hit TV show ‘Bauer sucht Frau’ (‘Farmer wants a Wife’) was seen sexually stimulating his chickens with his finger. In a shocking series finale, he told his chosen partner, blonde Marianne (66) from Hamburg, 'this is how they get an orgasm'."Ladies, take a number!
"The issue to me, I’m not opposed to that as much as I’m opposed to redefinition of a 5,000 year definition of marriage. I’m opposed to having a brother and sister being together and calling that marriage. I’m opposed to an older guy marrying a child and calling that marriage."Gee, he must think gay people are a sick bunch of freaks. I bet there's nothing anybody could say or do to make him accept them as normal human beings.
Oh wait! Yeah there is: "I’ve eaten dinner in gay homes."
AH HA HA HA HA HA! Pastor Fatty loves cake more than Jebus!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
"I don't know what Sen. Vitter has against GM or the United Auto Workers or the entire domestic auto industry; whatever it is, whatever he thinks we've done, it's time for him to forgive us, just like Sen. Vitter has asked the citizens of Louisiana to forgive him, " said Johnson, president of Local 2166. Otherwise, Johnson said of Vitter, it would appear, "He'd rather pay a prostitute than pay auto workers."
Thursday, December 11, 2008
All this Blago in the news is making me nostalgic for the epic stylings of Jim Traficant, another corrupt-- albeit devastatingly stylish-- Rust Belt politician.
And, really? Blago could never beat homegirl on the hair, let alone the threads. I mean, seriously; Jim Traficant was a bit like Congress' own version of Khia, what with his follicular mastery. Truly a lost artform nowadays.
Dude, you are so grounded
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
It is obviously Duhsville by this point that Gov. "Hot" Rod Blagojevich (D-Illanoize) is the mutant hybrid of Fat Elvis and the circa-Baretta Robert Blake. But where's teh luv for his Amy-Fisher-lookalike old lady, Patricia? The Chicago Tribune suggests that this bitch will totes cut you, especially if you're affiliated with the Cubbies and flat broke and looking for the state to help you unload Wrigley Field.
"Hold up that [expletive] Cubs [expletive]," she is quoted as saying in the background as her husband talked on the phone, authorities alleged. "[Expletive] them."Now that right there is a curse. Several, in fact.
I bet that dog has PTSD. And the King Charles spaniel isn't looking too good, either. HEYO!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
"And there are some real questions to be answered here. Like, did any of Obama's advisors know what Blago was doing...and/or "negotiate" with him? What did Barack know, and when did he know it?
Enquiring minds want to know."
Okay, first off, Gargantua, Obama is on record in regard to the matter. He refused to deal with Blagojevich. Not even the clinically kooky Washington Times could draw a line from the President-elect to this mess.
And second... "Enquiring minds want to know?" Seriously, Jiggles? Did you go to journalism school with Brenda Starr?
Why is the bible like a penis?
They both get shoved down your throat by a priest, LOL!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Wow. You no rikey brack people, huh?
Sunday, December 7, 2008
“I’ve got behind-the-scenes episodes that are going to show how unreceiving they were of this man as president of the United States,” Rove said, adding: “I’m going to name names and show examples.”Just then, a friendly baker entered the room and gently punched Rove's head down, reshaped it, and set it aside for a second rise.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
"The new rule was approved despite concerns raised by every living former director of the National Park Service, several ranger organizations, retired superintendents, and thousands of national park visitors."The President and his buddies then shoved an M80 up a bear's asshole and lit it.
Friday, December 5, 2008
This news item was summoned into existence by the collective longing of all the world's mangy old perverts
[How ya doin', CSPAN Junkie?]
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Nicole Johnson is some lulzy old beauty queen, or some shit. Anyway, she's scheduled to judge next month's Miss America Pageant, except C-SPAN has some video of her from back in the day with her prissily "not smiling upon" interracial dating:
"Johnson replied, 'Well, I personally wouldn't interracially date. But that doesn't mean that I would frown upon someone else, because I think that we all... we live in a country of freedom. And we all have the freedom to choose whatever we want to follow in our lives and we have to respect that in each other. But, umm, I wouldn't smile upon that in my life or the life of individuals in my family.'"Yes, Virginia, she is a bigot.
And his name is Tycho Brahe. He kept an alcoholic moose as a pet, and would force dinner guests to sit in complete silence while his clairvoyant dwarf made predictions.
Is it possible to be in love with a noseless man from the 16th century?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
OMG! Hold me! I'm scared! From the AP:
"The United States can expect a terrorist attack using nuclear or more likely biological weapons before 2013, reports a bipartisan commission in a study being briefed Tuesday to Vice President-elect Joe Biden."
And there's more! The report "acknowledges that terrorist groups still lack the needed scientific and technical ability to make weapons out of pathogens or nuclear bombs. But it warns that gap can be easily overcome, if terrorists find scientists willing to share or sell their know-how."
In other news, satellites are in grave danger of instantaneous destruction by my laser penis. I don't currently have a laser penis, but that gap can easily be overcome when a mad scientist finally answers my Craigslist ad.
In a related story, Wolff is Nosferatu.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The gaudy wop tourist trap, which for some reason has a permanent U.N. representative, argues that the resolution would "add new categories of those protected from discrimination." Oh yeah, God forbid you shield anybody from unfair treatment.
Catholics regard homosexuality as a sin, unless it is performed by a priest with a terrified child. A leading Italian gay rights activist says that the Vatican's decision - I'm paraphrasing here - is fucking retarded.
"The French resolution, which is supported by all 27 members of the European Union, has nothing to do with activist Franco Grillini tells Reuters. "It is about stopping jail and the death penalty for homosexuals."
When reached for comment, Pope Benedict XVI said, "Oooh! Listen to her!" and then skipped away giggling with some other old men in long dresses and red Prada loafers.
Washington state artist Deborah Lawrence drew visual inspiration from her Congressman, Jim McDermott. In between the candy-apple red stripes on her ornament, Lawrence applied strips of text praising McDermott's support for a resolution to impeach Bush.
To her credit, Laura Bush accepted the ornament and invited the artist to attend a White House reception. Is it a Christmas miracle? Or is it the Xanax talking?