And for those of you keeping score at home...

Ted Haggard is "heterosexual, but with issues."

The former pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs, who once boasted of his weekly phone calls with President Preachy McDryDrunk, is on the long road back to homo-hating fundiehood in a new documentary.

"The Trials of Ted Haggard," which premieres Jan. 29 on HBO, picks up where headlines last left the past president of the National Association of Evangelicals: Outed as a regular client of male prostitute-cum-meth dealer Mike Jones. After much therapy and prayer, Haggard has managed to stomp teh ghey back down where nobody can see it. He's not gay, or even bisexual, the erstwhile meth monkey insists.

"The boxes don't work for me," Ted says.

Well, that much was obvious when you went looking for weiners! Heyo!