BREAKING: MAN NICKNAMED "BIG PAPI" DOES DRUGS

[From time to time, we invite guest haters to unburden themselves in this space. Today, we are pleased to welcome journalist, raconteur and bon vivant Ky Henderson.]

It's been a rough day for Bostonians. Not only has the White House "beer summit" seemed to suggest that the city might have a tiny problem with race relations, but it was revealed that beloved Red Sox DH David "Big Papi" Ortiz tested positive for steroids back in 2003. What a couple of wicked shockahs!

Ortiz joined the Sox in 2003, after several years in Minnesota where he was too injured and/or awful to play a single full season. Then, faith and begorrah, he shows up in Beantown and mysteriously turns into the second-coming of Ted Williams—well, a chubby Ted Williams. However, last year, after he'd led the team to two World Series, the heat started coming down on steroid users and his numbers just as mysteriously plummeted.

Earlier this year Big Papi and his rapey facial hair got on a soap box and he said that steroid users should sit out a a full year instead of the 50 games for which users like his pal and fellow Red Sox World Series hero Manny Ramirez are currently suspended. The smart money is on Big Papi eating his words—heck, he eats everything else.