Mr. Yoo, your shipment of STFU has arrived

Short-fingered war criminal John Yoo wrote a clinically delusional op-ed for the Wall Street Journal the other day. Read it if you want, or just skip ahead to the fun parts where smart people take a match to it:


From Attackerman:

[I]t's closing time. Yoo doesn’t have to go home but he can’t stay here. The Bush administration is over. It’s like the old high school quarterback who’s the reliving his glory days while he’s fixing your furnace.
Dude. Get out of my house.

And Lisa Alexandrovna, whose name fills me with heady, romantic visions of incense, icons and onion-domed palaces:

The man is a liar, a coward, and now defends his illegal actions by using lies and discredited propaganda to justify the unjustifiable.

That should do it for now. You want more hurt, Yoo? Just keep flapping those DSLs.

[Thanks to Fire John Yoo for the wonderful illo!]

Google Ads

Google Ads pushes advertisements that relate to a blogger's content. I just happened to see these two ads together, and, well, I LOL'd.

Go home to your goddamn trailer, dipshit

Hillbilly douchebag Mike Huckabee is at it again, "defending the sanctity of marriage" by comparing gay relationships to bestiality, polygamy, obesity and addiction. From the current Esquire:

Huckabee says he doesn't know if homosexuality is inborn, but he believes you can control the behavior. He compares homosexuality to obesity or alcoholism: "Some people have a predisposition to alcoholism. Does that mean they're not responsible for getting drunk? No."

Some people have a predisposition to cousin-fucking, shit-for-brains, know-nothing, jug-band horseshit religious beliefs. Does that mean they should force them on the rest of the country? No. Go blow Jesus and get it over with already, will you Mike?

There are times when you can abbreviate a state name

And there are times when you probably should not.



[Thanks, Nate!]

Ay carumba! Bart Simpson's Scientology robo-call

Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson and an OT 7, has recorded this possibly actionable robo-call message promoting her upcoming appearance at the Hollywood and Highland Center. Something tells me this video will be taken down very shortly, but enjoy it while you can.

Hey, Asshole Neighbors!

You guys need to salt your parts of the sidewalk so people stop ending up like this all day. KTHXBAI!!!

ZOMG gay Nazis!!!!!

Kevin Abrams is straight - no, seriously! I mean, yeah, he's spent years thinking and writing about gay Nazis. But his interest is strictly professional.

All right, so he knows all the lyrics to Cabaret. Quit confusing the issue! Kevin is really, really, really worried about gay people serving openly in the U.S. military. Dismantle the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, he says, and we'll be overrun by a fascist homosexual strike force. It says so in his book, The Pink Swastika.

"Certainly there would be a mass exodus of normal men from a homosexualized military," said Lively. "And yes there would be severe morale problems for normal men forced to live as the objects of sexual interest of other men with whom they share close quarters."

Are you hard scared yet? "Historically, male homosexuality was much more often associated with hyper-masculine warrior cults which were usually very brutal..."

I'm sure there was more to the story, but Kevin's voice trailed off, and he got this faraway look in his eyes, so I left him to his thoughts.

PS: I know that illustration is lame, but... well, you Google the phrase "gay Nazi" and show me an image I could have used without getting yelled at by Blogger.

The fat chick gets it wrong again

After eight years of ostentatious piety from a cynical cabal of creeps using religious faith as a political wedge, Barack Obama's inauguration speech made me hopeful. Well, the stuff about the economy was a downer, but it's a downer we needed to hear. But I really appreciated this line: "We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus, and nonbelievers."

Of course the Christian Right shit a collective pickle over it, speaking in tongues about how you ought to be horsewhipped if you aren't filled with the love of Christ. And Kathryn Jean Lopez took predictable umbrage at the line as well. And then she went the predictable extra step of trying to shoehorn her personal religious views into the source code of this nation:

"We’re a nation not just where you are free to believe or not to believe; we’re a nation founded for Him — so we could praise Him, so we could do His will."

Wrong, Kathryn. Have another can of frosting.

Matt Drudge doesn't know what global warming is

So, Al Gore is addressing the Senate Foreign Relations Committee tomorrow about the urgent need to combat global warming. And it's snowing in Washington, D.C.

So if you're a complete fucking retard like Matt Drudge, that means Gore should cancel his testimony: "I can't imagine the Democrats would want to showcase Mr. Gore and his new findings on global warming as a winter storm rages outside," a Republican lawmaker emailed the DRUDGE REPORT.

Look, you misshapen Skeksis, short-term weather fluctuations have no relevance to the fact that human beings have had an impact on the planet's climate.

I wouldn't even mention this, but we've had a week of smart people in Washington and I was starting to relax a little. That'll teach me.

Mahmoud's Always In A Bad Mood Because He's Always On A Diet And Shit...

... because Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is, in fact, Cathy.

(And here's how I found out about this awesomeness... my friend NotoriousRRZ sent me the following e-mail: "Go to The Huffington Post and look at the big pic they have of Ahmadinejad. He looks like a Cathy cartoon, for reals.")

Oremus et pro Iudaeis

Remember that time when the pope welcomed a Holocaust denier back into the Catholic church? That was awesome. But it wasn't his first time giving Jews the bird. Two years ago, he authorized the reintroduction of the Latin Mass for people like Mel Gibson's crazy father.

If you're not familiar with the text, here's a nugget from the Good Friday edition:

"Oremus et pro Iudaeis. Ut deus et dominus noster illuminet corda eorum, ut agnoscant lesum Christum salvatorem omnium hominum."

Translation: "Let us pray also for the Jews." Which is a lovely sentiment! Until you caboose it with, "May our God and Lord illuminate their hearts, so that they may acknowledge Jesus Christ, savior of all men."

Benny cut the lines about Jews being blind, or living in darkness, but, as prominent Catholic screwball Robert Sungenis points out, that's only because the language is superfluous. The prayer makes "the same demand on the Jews that Catholic tradition has required of them - that their salvation can only come from Jesus Christ and that they must submit to him in order to become saved."

Today's Catholic church: Not just irrelevant, but actually hostile!

TSA LOL

I really enjoyed reading the comments about this Playmobil Security Checkpoint playset on amazon.com.


[Thank you, Mr. Meyerson!]

Pope: Nazis good, homos bad

What do you call it when your excommunication is reversed? Recommunication? De-excommunication? Whatever, Pope Benedict XVI just let a Holocaust denier back into the Catholic church.

Richard Williamson was made a bishop in 1988 by Marcel Lefebvre, a bitter old French liturgy queen who objected to modernization of the church. (Six Degrees Dept: Lefebvre founded the Society of St. Pius X, which is where Mel Gibson's father got those wacky anti-Semitic ideas.)

Williamson was booted in 1988 by then pope JP Part Deux, and made more recent news with a TV interview. Speaking to Swedish television late last year, Dick said that historical evidence "is hugely against 6 million Jews having been deliberately gassed."

Despite - or because of? - this jaw-dropper, Joey Ratz has rescinded the order of excommunication.

I guess the pope needs to sign up everybody he can, since he kicked out all the gay people. Showbiz, baby! Butts in seats!

I wonder if Williamson will have to pay some kind of reconnection fee, you know, like when you don't pay the cable bill and they cut you off?

Oh man... the ceiling in Bill O'Reilly's office must look like stucco right now

Guantánamo detainee resurfaces in terrorist group

Mind over manners

Say what you like about the Butthurt Opposition, they are sticklers for genteel comportment. Take this Katrina update on the new White House homepage, for example:

"President Obama will keep the broken promises made by President Bush to rebuild New Orleans and the Gulf Coast. He and Vice President Biden will take steps to ensure that the federal government will never again allow such catastrophic failures in emergency planning and response to occur."

Blunt, yeah, but... well, how would you describe the Bush administration's response to Katrina? Nevertheless, persnickety butterwhale Kathryn Jean Lopez takes umbrage. "Does this really have to appear on the White House web site?" she sniffs. Ah, for the better days...

There's an ache in Kathryn Jean's heart right now. An ache that not all the Orange Juliuses and Little Debbie snack cakes in the world can make better.

But that's not for lack of trying!

Recontextualizing the pancake bunny

I hadn't seen this picture in a long while, but it still makes me laugh.



And since I'm feeing very very lazy today, I thought I'd issue a reader Photoshop challenge - Where would you put the pancake? Here's one possibility, by our friend Alex:



Here, I even cut the pancake out for you.



Oh, and there'll be a prize. Probably a really good one. If you can't figure out how to post your entry in the comments field, I probably shouldn't be hanging out with you.

More butthurt ideologue whining

"Well, well, well," The Conservative Outpost's Drew McKissick begins in his typically hackneyed manner (the guy must have, like, a Magic 8-Ball full of shopworn expressions).
Sniffing derisively at the megawatt celebrity turnout for Hopey's inaugural festivities, Muffin Tops notes that many attendees arrived by private jet:

"After ripping the executives from Detroit's Big 3 a new one for taking their corporate jets to DC on the way to beg for bailouts, ... the fat cats of the Democrat party show just how hypcritical they are."

Look, Bitch Tits, do I really have to point out to you that these passengers hadn't come to the capital with a handful of gimme? You have established what's known as a false equivalency. Have another donut.

The sitting Vice President

From the AP:

Vice President Dick Cheney pulled a muscle in his back while moving boxes and will be in a wheelchair for Tuesday's inauguration ceremony.

Nooooooo! This is one of Cheney's nefarious plots! That's not a wheelchair, it's a personal fortress! With it, he will kidnap Obama, then jet-pack to his waiting dirigible. After a hastily arranged "duck hunting trip" with President Bush, Cheney will assume office and declare martial law.

Good men and women of the Secret Service, I beg you: Do not let Cheney and his infernal device anywhere near President-elect Obama! If we do not learn from Kenneth Branagh's character in The Wild Wild West, we are doomed.

That Second-String Dude on MSNBC

Good times at the MSNBC studio on Teh Mall @ 7th Street this evening. That guy David Shuster totes made this pose just as a bunch of people yelled at him, "Where's Rachel?!?" and this one random guy muttered, "Fuck him, he's not Keith." Then when some people decided that they wanted a picture with him anyway, he said he had to hurry up "because my wife is about to kill me."

So, in this instance, because David Shuster is neither Rachel Maddow nor Keith Olbermann, he evidently is hated by some, quite possibly including his own wife, and for perhaps the very same reason, who knows (or who, and let's be honest, gives a shit). But this nonetheless is unfortunate, as I assume this particular transitive property (or whatever) is simply beyond his control. But he should take heart that, at the very least, he is not Ann Curry's teleprompter.

The bitch who hassled Tommy Chong refuses to GTFO

Political appointees, like the weasel-shit U.S. Attorneys currently infesting the Bush administration's Department of Justice, traditionally serve "at the pleasure of the President." That means on January 20th, you get a sandwich and a road map. Unless, of course, you're Mary Beth Buchanan.

This gnarly-looking heifer has made it clear she will not resign when Presdient-elect Obama takes office. She doesn't think it would serve justice for all appointees to resign at once, so she has bravely and selflessly decided to stay on and fuck things up for the incoming administration.

Buchanan, whose ass is much wider and flatter than this photograph indicates, is probably best known for her meritless, attention-seeking prosecution of actor Tommy Chong. Chong was targeted for promoting his son's business, a mail-order company that sold water pipes. It was a perfectly legitimate business, not even based in her jurisdiction, but this puffy headline whore forced a guilty plea out of the aging Chong. The preposterous abuse of office is the subject of the documentary a/k/a Tommy Chong.

For fuck's sake, lady! Even Chimpy and Voldemort know when it's time to go.

Credit where it's due

Yeah, of course, Capt. Chesley Sullenberger deserves free steak and handjobs for the rest of his life.

But let's pause for a moment and consider the other heroes in the soon-to-be-TV-movie of US Airways Flight 1549: the flight attendants. We world-weary frequent-flyer types have ignored your safety presentation for the last time.

Now, would it kill you to give me the whole can when I ask for a Diet Coke? Am I right? And what is the deal with the pretzel packs? It's anaphylaxis, not ana... Kournikova... aw crap. Leave me alone.

When you KKKare enough to send the very best

What do gay guys and Klansmen have in common? They both love a good white sale! Ah, screw you, that's hilarious. And it works on a couple of levels.

But those two groups are at loggerheads when it comes to greeting cards:

The idea of a Klan member browsing the Hallmark section of his local stationer's is giving me a chuckle. But hey, KKK - some free advice? If you really want to hurt Hallmark, you might want to consider an endorsement instead of a boycott. I mean, no offense, but some people think you're kind of, you know, inbred alcoholics with undescended testicles.

I'm just saying.

And for those of you keeping score at home...

Ted Haggard is "heterosexual, but with issues."

The former pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs, who once boasted of his weekly phone calls with President Preachy McDryDrunk, is on the long road back to homo-hating fundiehood in a new documentary.

"The Trials of Ted Haggard," which premieres Jan. 29 on HBO, picks up where headlines last left the past president of the National Association of Evangelicals: Outed as a regular client of male prostitute-cum-meth dealer Mike Jones. After much therapy and prayer, Haggard has managed to stomp teh ghey back down where nobody can see it. He's not gay, or even bisexual, the erstwhile meth monkey insists.

"The boxes don't work for me," Ted says.

Well, that much was obvious when you went looking for weiners! Heyo!

Aw, c'mon, black people!

First Barack steps up to the Bush mess and is all, "Chill! I got this!" And now Myron Rolle? The guy's a guaranteed top-50 draft pick, but he opts to study at Oxford on a Rhodes scholarship instead.

Do you have any idea what this is doing to white underachievers? Try spacing these things out? Like, give it another year before introducing the world to the brother with telekinesis, huh?

That Better Be Some Dope Microbrew and Kobe Beef

Some dude in Greenfield, California, just got arrested for trying to sell his 14-year-old daughter for some cash money, 100 cases of beer, and a few cases of meat.

Glenn Spencer: Racist, Fat, Pervert?

You know what's creepy? A guy who has never served in the military, but who wears what look like combat fatigues and peppers his speech with quasi-Special Forces buzz words. Guys like this always turn out to be sexual deviants. Always.

Which is why I'm never going within 100 miles of Glenn Spencer. The conspiracy-mad founder of American Patrol, a vigilante group with the self-appointed responsibility of monitoring activity along the US-Mexico border, loves to coin macho-sounding titles for his bullshit "operations." I couldn't blame Glenn if he fell for me - I am, after all, quite the prettyboy - but you just know that sex for him involves chloroform, guns, and some sort of Fascist iconography. Oh, and cake. Lots and lots of cake.

Check it out: Glenn strung a bunch of web cams along some property between Arizona and Mexico and called it "Operation Virtual Vigilance." It's part of the Tactical Operations, or "Tac-Ops," effort he insists is Amurrica's only defense against incursion by the Scary Brown People. If we're not careful, Glenn wheezes, they'll scamper over the border and re-conquer the American Southwest as a northern Mexican state called Aztlan.

Oooh, and Glenn likes to play with radio-controlled planes! Only he calls them "unmanned aerial drones." Kinda like how I used to call my dolls "action figures." He's presenting data from these "missions" on Thursday at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. Glenn has tagged the effort "Operation B.E.E.F.," for "Border Enforcement Evaluation First."

AH HA HA HA HA! Racist fatty can't keep his mind off snacks! Glenn will then cap the demonstration with Operation B.A.C.O.N., or "Border Action Calls for an Order of Nachos."

/facepalm of the day

During the campaign, he argued against tax cuts that would have benefited people in his income bracket. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the latest from Joe the Self-Promoter. This post-modern Joey Buttafuoco is currently working as a correspondent for Pajamas TV, covering the conflict in the Gaza Strip. And he thinks that's just wrong:

"I think the military should decide what information to give the media and then the media can release it to the public."

This guy is so dumb he makes me think I must have missed something, like I'm the idiot. Like, nobody could say anything as stupid as what I think he just said. Right? But, nope! Turns out he really is just that dumb.

This is like watching a bear learn to drive.

Don't let the door bang your ass on the way out, Fred!

Reading more than anything like a farewell speech from the caboose of the Oblivion Express, Fred Barnes' Weekly Standard column defending Drinky McRetard's final presser is full of what might charitably be called "inaccuracies," but which are really just arrant horseshit.

Now I'm warning you, just so you don't do a spit-take all over your monitor: Barnes lists the use of torture on suspected terrorists among the Bush administration's 10 great achievements:

"Crucial intelligence was obtained from captured al Qaeda leaders, including 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, with the help of waterboarding. Whether this tactic--it creates a drowning sensation--is torture is a matter of debate."

First off, Fred, the current Vanity Fair quotes a C.I.A. officer's assessment of Mohammed's interrogation: “K.S.M. produced no actionable intelligence. He was trying to tell us how stupid we were.”

And that second assertion? Okay, fine, Fred - there is some debate. There is also some debate whether or not you possess testicles.

Full-contact linkage

I hope Ann Coulter gets prostate cancer (Videogum)
Mother of the Year (A View of the C)
The monkeys have learned to hate (Hateful Monkeys)
Dustin Hoffman finds Emma Thompson insufferable too (Four Four)
Decider for sale! (Holy Taco)
Go get you some Barbutti (Barbuti)
Chocolate beer? C'mere, you... (Boing Boing)
The jungle looks fun! (Pulp of the Day)
Suck his dick (Monkeyabout)
What font am I? Something sexy and dangerous (Independent Lens)

You know I'm right

Ken Blackwell is a former Ohio secretary of state and an apparent front-runner for the Republican National Committee chairmanship. And like many alleged heterosexuals, Blackwell knows everything about teh ghey:

"You can choose to restrain that compulsion," Blackwell told radio host Michelangelo Signorile, a gay and lesbian advocate, this summer during the Republican National Convention. "And so I think in fact you don't have to give in to the compulsion to be homosexual."

I bet he knows more about this "compulsion" than he's letting on. This is just an educated guess, based on my extensive anecdotal research into the furtive habits of social conservatives, but something tells me we'll find Mr. B rocking a wide stance in a toilet stall sooner rather than later.

"I'll be honest with you. I don't think journalists should be anywhere allowed war."

Okay... WTF does that sentence even mean? Is it a sentence?


Joe the Plumber doesn't think journalists should be allowed in a war zone. Forget that whole "free press" dealie for a minute and instead ask, "Well then why is he working as a journalist - albeit a bad, unprepared, borderline retarded one - in a war zone?"

When you see somebody so obviously inarticulate and in over his head trying to hold his own among seasoned professionals, it's tempting to feel sympathy for the idiot. But then you remember, he has scraped and clawed his way into the spotlight. He brought this shit on himself.

ENOUGH!

Can you believe this crap? Comedy Central is roasting Larry the Cable Guy. I would rather - hear me, ye gods! - I would rather shoot myself in the penis than ever see or hear this pandering, faux-blue-collar fucktard's insultingly un-funny act again. The only roasting anybody should ever do to this twunt involves actual flame.

Meanwhile, you know who'd make a great Man of the Hour? Don Rickles. He has to be 127 years old, but he's as sharp as ever. If Mr. Warmth doesn't make you laugh, you'd better check your pulse.

But my pal Gerry has it on good authority that Comedy Central won't roast Rickles because they don't think anybody cares about him anymore. So this is what we get instead?

How many more insults to our intelligence are we expected to bear? I say we draw the line here. Join me in demanding that Comedy Central air a prime-time special honoring this national treasure. Extra credit if they apologize for the Larry the Cable Guy thing.

He's Just Butthurt That Kirk Cameron Didn't Put a Ring on It

Willie Aames, that douche from Celebrity Fit Club 2 who played that douche on Eight Is Enough and that douche on Charles In Charge and then douched it hardcore as Bibleman, evidently fails so hard at life, he can't even kill himself right.

M1SS1SS1PP1 1S NUMBER 1!!!!!!1!

...in teen pregnancy.

So, uh... congratulations?

Oh, what the hell, let's break out the koolickles.

George & Laura & Dick & Lynn

Okay, so you know how total dickwads really love Bill O'Reilly? I'm that way for Rachel Maddow. I think she might be my Oprah.

Anyway. Rachel's got a wild hair up her ass about Blair House. The President's guest house has traditionally been placed at the disposal of the incoming first family during times of transition. For whatever reason, the place was unavailable in time for Hopey's kids to start school.

Now, me, I don't see such a big deal. But Rachel doesn't like what she's smelling. She's asking viewers who have been invited to functions at Blair House between now and January 15th to email her. I just sent her mine:



(I'm not going.)

I'm off to the goddamn Consumer Electronics Show, so I'll only be posting sporadically this week. Do not tempt the wrath of Caroline in my absence.

"Go Google yourself!"

Chris Wallace wheeled Poppy Bush out of his cryonic suspension chamber for one of those gripping Fox News Sunday Q&As.
The Man Whose Ejaculate Bankrupted the Nation acknowledged "some" failures in Bush 43's administration, so Wallace asked him to elaborate.
"No!" said the former President, who routinely consumes the flesh of roasted babies. "You can go back to your, what do you call it, your Google, and you figure out all that."
Does anybody in that family know anything about this here 21st century?

Okay, really, Fox News Channel?

Was anybody monitoring the ticker on your New Years Eve broadcast? Or did Roger Ailes eat the control room again?