Friday, January 16, 2009

The bitch who hassled Tommy Chong refuses to GTFO

Political appointees, like the weasel-shit U.S. Attorneys currently infesting the Bush administration's Department of Justice, traditionally serve "at the pleasure of the President." That means on January 20th, you get a sandwich and a road map. Unless, of course, you're Mary Beth Buchanan.

This gnarly-looking heifer has made it clear she will not resign when Presdient-elect Obama takes office. She doesn't think it would serve justice for all appointees to resign at once, so she has bravely and selflessly decided to stay on and fuck things up for the incoming administration.

Buchanan, whose ass is much wider and flatter than this photograph indicates, is probably best known for her meritless, attention-seeking prosecution of actor Tommy Chong. Chong was targeted for promoting his son's business, a mail-order company that sold water pipes. It was a perfectly legitimate business, not even based in her jurisdiction, but this puffy headline whore forced a guilty plea out of the aging Chong. The preposterous abuse of office is the subject of the documentary a/k/a Tommy Chong.

For fuck's sake, lady! Even Chimpy and Voldemort know when it's time to go.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Credit where it's due

Yeah, of course, Capt. Chesley Sullenberger deserves free steak and handjobs for the rest of his life.

But let's pause for a moment and consider the other heroes in the soon-to-be-TV-movie of US Airways Flight 1549: the flight attendants. We world-weary frequent-flyer types have ignored your safety presentation for the last time.

Now, would it kill you to give me the whole can when I ask for a Diet Coke? Am I right? And what is the deal with the pretzel packs? It's anaphylaxis, not ana... Kournikova... aw crap. Leave me alone.

When you KKKare enough to send the very best

What do gay guys and Klansmen have in common? They both love a good white sale! Ah, screw you, that's hilarious. And it works on a couple of levels.

But those two groups are at loggerheads when it comes to greeting cards:

The idea of a Klan member browsing the Hallmark section of his local stationer's is giving me a chuckle. But hey, KKK - some free advice? If you really want to hurt Hallmark, you might want to consider an endorsement instead of a boycott. I mean, no offense, but some people think you're kind of, you know, inbred alcoholics with undescended testicles.

I'm just saying.

And for those of you keeping score at home...

Ted Haggard is "heterosexual, but with issues."

The former pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs, who once boasted of his weekly phone calls with President Preachy McDryDrunk, is on the long road back to homo-hating fundiehood in a new documentary.

"The Trials of Ted Haggard," which premieres Jan. 29 on HBO, picks up where headlines last left the past president of the National Association of Evangelicals: Outed as a regular client of male prostitute-cum-meth dealer Mike Jones. After much therapy and prayer, Haggard has managed to stomp teh ghey back down where nobody can see it. He's not gay, or even bisexual, the erstwhile meth monkey insists.

"The boxes don't work for me," Ted says.

Well, that much was obvious when you went looking for weiners! Heyo!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Aw, c'mon, black people!

First Barack steps up to the Bush mess and is all, "Chill! I got this!" And now Myron Rolle? The guy's a guaranteed top-50 draft pick, but he opts to study at Oxford on a Rhodes scholarship instead.

Do you have any idea what this is doing to white underachievers? Try spacing these things out? Like, give it another year before introducing the world to the brother with telekinesis, huh?

That Better Be Some Dope Microbrew and Kobe Beef

Some dude in Greenfield, California, just got arrested for trying to sell his 14-year-old daughter for some cash money, 100 cases of beer, and a few cases of meat.

Glenn Spencer: Racist, Fat, Pervert?

You know what's creepy? A guy who has never served in the military, but who wears what look like combat fatigues and peppers his speech with quasi-Special Forces buzz words. Guys like this always turn out to be sexual deviants. Always.

Which is why I'm never going within 100 miles of Glenn Spencer. The conspiracy-mad founder of American Patrol, a vigilante group with the self-appointed responsibility of monitoring activity along the US-Mexico border, loves to coin macho-sounding titles for his bullshit "operations." I couldn't blame Glenn if he fell for me - I am, after all, quite the prettyboy - but you just know that sex for him involves chloroform, guns, and some sort of Fascist iconography. Oh, and cake. Lots and lots of cake.

Check it out: Glenn strung a bunch of web cams along some property between Arizona and Mexico and called it "Operation Virtual Vigilance." It's part of the Tactical Operations, or "Tac-Ops," effort he insists is Amurrica's only defense against incursion by the Scary Brown People. If we're not careful, Glenn wheezes, they'll scamper over the border and re-conquer the American Southwest as a northern Mexican state called Aztlan.

Oooh, and Glenn likes to play with radio-controlled planes! Only he calls them "unmanned aerial drones." Kinda like how I used to call my dolls "action figures." He's presenting data from these "missions" on Thursday at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. Glenn has tagged the effort "Operation B.E.E.F.," for "Border Enforcement Evaluation First."

AH HA HA HA HA! Racist fatty can't keep his mind off snacks! Glenn will then cap the demonstration with Operation B.A.C.O.N., or "Border Action Calls for an Order of Nachos."

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

/facepalm of the day

During the campaign, he argued against tax cuts that would have benefited people in his income bracket. So I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the latest from Joe the Self-Promoter. This post-modern Joey Buttafuoco is currently working as a correspondent for Pajamas TV, covering the conflict in the Gaza Strip. And he thinks that's just wrong:
"I think the military should decide what information to give the media and then the media can release it to the public."

This guy is so dumb he makes me think I must have missed something, like I'm the idiot. Like, nobody could say anything as stupid as what I think he just said. Right? But, nope! Turns out he really is just that dumb.

This is like watching a bear learn to drive.

Don't let the door bang your ass on the way out, Fred!

Reading more than anything like a farewell speech from the caboose of the Oblivion Express, Fred Barnes' Weekly Standard column defending Drinky McRetard's final presser is full of what might charitably be called "inaccuracies," but which are really just arrant horseshit.

Now I'm warning you, just so you don't do a spit-take all over your monitor: Barnes lists the use of torture on suspected terrorists among the Bush administration's 10 great achievements:
"Crucial intelligence was obtained from captured al Qaeda leaders, including 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, with the help of waterboarding. Whether this tactic--it creates a drowning sensation--is torture is a matter of debate."
First off, Fred, the current Vanity Fair quotes a C.I.A. officer's assessment of Mohammed's interrogation: “K.S.M. produced no actionable intelligence. He was trying to tell us how stupid we were.”

And that second assertion? Okay, fine, Fred - there is some debate. There is also some debate whether or not you possess testicles.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Full-contact linkage

I hope Ann Coulter gets prostate cancer (Videogum)
Mother of the Year (A View of the C)
The monkeys have learned to hate (Hateful Monkeys)
Dustin Hoffman finds Emma Thompson insufferable too (Four Four)
Decider for sale! (Holy Taco)
Go get you some Barbutti (Barbuti)
Chocolate beer? C'mere, you... (Boing Boing)
The jungle looks fun! (Pulp of the Day)
Suck his dick (Monkeyabout)
What font am I? Something sexy and dangerous (Independent Lens)

You know I'm right

Ken Blackwell is a former Ohio secretary of state and an apparent front-runner for the Republican National Committee chairmanship. And like many alleged heterosexuals, Blackwell knows everything about teh ghey:
"You can choose to restrain that compulsion," Blackwell told radio host Michelangelo Signorile, a gay and lesbian advocate, this summer during the Republican National Convention. "And so I think in fact you don't have to give in to the compulsion to be homosexual."

I bet he knows more about this "compulsion" than he's letting on. This is just an educated guess, based on my extensive anecdotal research into the furtive habits of social conservatives, but something tells me we'll find Mr. B rocking a wide stance in a toilet stall sooner rather than later.

"I'll be honest with you. I don't think journalists should be anywhere allowed war."

Okay... WTF does that sentence even mean? Is it a sentence?

Joe the Plumber doesn't think journalists should be allowed in a war zone. Forget that whole "free press" dealie for a minute and instead ask, "Well then why is he working as a journalist - albeit a bad, unprepared, borderline retarded one - in a war zone?"

When you see somebody so obviously inarticulate and in over his head trying to hold his own among seasoned professionals, it's tempting to feel sympathy for the idiot. But then you remember, he has scraped and clawed his way into the spotlight. He brought this shit on himself.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


Can you believe this crap? Comedy Central is roasting Larry the Cable Guy. I would rather - hear me, ye gods! - I would rather shoot myself in the penis than ever see or hear this pandering, faux-blue-collar fucktard's insultingly un-funny act again. The only roasting anybody should ever do to this twunt involves actual flame.

Meanwhile, you know who'd make a great Man of the Hour? Don Rickles. He has to be 127 years old, but he's as sharp as ever. If Mr. Warmth doesn't make you laugh, you'd better check your pulse.

But my pal Gerry has it on good authority that Comedy Central won't roast Rickles because they don't think anybody cares about him anymore. So this is what we get instead?

How many more insults to our intelligence are we expected to bear? I say we draw the line here. Join me in demanding that Comedy Central air a prime-time special honoring this national treasure. Extra credit if they apologize for the Larry the Cable Guy thing.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

He's Just Butthurt That Kirk Cameron Didn't Put a Ring on It

Willie Aames, that douche from Celebrity Fit Club 2 who played that douche on Eight Is Enough and that douche on Charles In Charge and then douched it hardcore as Bibleman, evidently fails so hard at life, he can't even kill himself right.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

M1SS1SS1PP1 1S NUMBER 1!!!!!!1! teen pregnancy.

So, uh... congratulations?

Oh, what the hell, let's break out the koolickles.

Monday, January 5, 2009

George & Laura & Dick & Lynn

Okay, so you know how total dickwads really love Bill O'Reilly? I'm that way for Rachel Maddow. I think she might be my Oprah.

Anyway. Rachel's got a wild hair up her ass about Blair House. The President's guest house has traditionally been placed at the disposal of the incoming first family during times of transition. For whatever reason, the place was unavailable in time for Hopey's kids to start school.

Now, me, I don't see such a big deal. But Rachel doesn't like what she's smelling. She's asking viewers who have been invited to functions at Blair House between now and January 15th to email her. I just sent her mine:

(I'm not going.)

I'm off to the goddamn Consumer Electronics Show, so I'll only be posting sporadically this week. Do not tempt the wrath of Caroline in my absence.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

"Go Google yourself!"

Chris Wallace wheeled Poppy Bush out of his cryonic suspension chamber for one of those gripping Fox News Sunday Q&As.
The Man Whose Ejaculate Bankrupted the Nation acknowledged "some" failures in Bush 43's administration, so Wallace asked him to elaborate.
"No!" said the former President, who routinely consumes the flesh of roasted babies. "You can go back to your, what do you call it, your Google, and you figure out all that."
Does anybody in that family know anything about this here 21st century?

Friday, January 2, 2009

Okay, really, Fox News Channel?

Was anybody monitoring the ticker on your New Years Eve broadcast? Or did Roger Ailes eat the control room again?