Shame on you, seagull!

I would never presume to horn in on Fuck You, Penguin's territory. The dedicated public servants at that blog restrict their activities to excoriating animals who are just too damn convinced of their own cuteness.

I, by contrast, seek only to inform you of the low-minded, brutish, nasty, quite possibly adulterous and drug-addicted thief that is the common seagull. This bird affects no pretense of cuteness. It is nothing more than a shrieking, picnic-ruining dive-bomber. Visit Urlesque for a full gallery of this vile avian thug in flagrante delicto.

And the state with the highest per-capita porn consumption is...

Utah!

UPDATE: Henry Farrell convincingly calls BS on the study. Whatever. You just know those Mormon freaks are into some sick shit.

At the risk of seeming cocky...

I'm just gonna go ahead and call it:



James Dobson resigns as chairman of Focus on the Family

A blog after my own cold, flinty heart

Hating is like dining: Whenever possible, I prefer to sit and enjoy a meal at my leisure. Of course, that's not always possible, and I'll sometimes just grab a quick bite on the go. And now my hatred is mobile too!

Don't you hate it when... is a new public platform for venting about whatever's bugging you, wherever you are. Inaugural posts are skewing very Cathy Guisewite, e.g., "[Don't you hate it when] it takes you 6 weeks to lose 10 lbs. but it takes only a weekend to gain 5? WTF."

Show 'em how it's done, readers!

The pot guy is more coherent than Glenn Beck

I really shouldn't expect Glenn Beck to make sense. That's like dipping a retard's fingers in Karo Syrup and asking him to count feathers. But Becky's interview with Rob Kampia from the Marijuana Policy Project is too wacky not to share.

[Tip o' the tam to Crooks and Liars]

¿Quien Es Mas Macho?

Sic, sic, sic

The whiny fundies at Christwire have a beef with my buddy Olivia Munn. And, evidently, with spellcheck too.



"Lurer?" Yes! She lurers young men! She is not an every "women!"

On her “blog” she tries to act like she is an every women, who loves regular men. We all know she is using this on youth to gain ratings and to drive traffic to her website, when in reality she is doing drugs with her high dollar pimps.

Also, I had dinner with Olivia in Las Vegas. And she picked up the tab. That's right. The ladies pay for me.

UPDATE: Turns out I've been had. Christwire is fake. I'm still leaving that pic of Olivia up, though. I need the hits.

Optimus Prime time

I was going to post something cranky about how the Shepard Fairey-ization meme has been beaten to death, and how everybody should cut it out.

Then I saw this. And I love it so much. Go buy it!

Waist deep in the Big Ugly

When a woman is so unspeakably hideous looking as to give the average penis nightmares, she probably enjoys a nice dildo every now and then, yeah?

Not Shanda Perkins. This gnarly-looking heifer, newly appointed to the Texas State Board of Pardons and Paroles, takes a dim view of non-meat fillers. She made her bones on a morality crusade, inveighing against the sale of sex toys in Fort Worth-adjacent Johnson County.

Oh, and Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who appointed Perkins to the parole board post? Total toilethomo.

[Thanks, Ed!]

Is there a cash equivalent value?

I found this here. I'm still trying to get my head around it.

F the D.C. Metro

Okay, so, here's the deal about the D.C. Metro: I'm still annoyed by the ninth circle of hell that is Philadelphia's SEPTA system (off the top of my head, my favorite memories include some dude taking a dump on the back step of the Route 13 trolley; some old lady smoking a crack pipe early one morning on the Broad Street line; and this one dude booing this other dude who got on the 42 bus one day because the other dude was in a wheelchair and the first dude had to move seats so that the other dude could be accommodated), that I still don't get readily pissy about Metro sucking balls on a regular basis. For real, yuppies: you could have to take SEPTA to work and back every day... good luck with that.

On the other hand, the Metro board is full of inept douchebags, half of whom don't even use the system they govern:

Half of Metro's 12 board members, including Chairman Jim Graham, do not regularly ride the train or bus system they oversee. And even as members say they need to trim expenses and boost revenue, several haven't paid their parking fees at Metro headquarters for at least 2 1/2 years.

OIC. FAIL.

You're welcome, world!

Urban Dictionary published my entry.

I think I've found another toilethomo!

You know who's definitely not a Commie, homo-loving son of a gun? This pussyfart, Peter LaBarbera from the curiously named Americans for Truth:

So now it’s come to this: one of the leading men in Hollywood, which has no shame, says Californians who supported traditional marriage by voting in Proposition 8 should have "great shame." Sorry, Sean Penn: the shame is on you: every Californian who helped Prop 8 pass — overcoming millions of dollars worth of free PR from pro-homosexual-"marriage" Hollywood bigshots like you — should feel tremendous pride, not guilt, in defending and preserving marriage as God ordained it. As usual, the elitists in Hollywood have it completely backwards: it is homosexual behavior that is shameful, not traditional mores.

Style aside - that second sentence is inelegant, at best - I once more must wonder aloud at a supposed heterosexual's obsession with gay sex. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
[Thanks, Jocelyn!]

STOP

This has gone far enough.

Own a piece of the Dork

Remember what I said would happen if you didn't order my buddy Bob's new book, Connective Tissue? That's nothing compared to the beating you'll catch if you don't buy my friend Evan Dorkin's original artwork.



Evan is probably best known for his angry, alcoholic, anthropomorphic dairy products, the Milk and Cheese Guys. (And for the excellent Welcome to Eltingville, which did the nerd thing way back before Patton Oswalt made it cool.) And like every other cartoonist I know, he is an insane packrat. Help him get his home up to fire department code by taking some of this stuff off his hands.

I don't want to hurt you. So don't make me!

Arch enemy

Need a reason to not eat at McDonald's anymore? Aside from, you know, the type 2 diabetes?
Check it out: Nigel Haskett worked at a McDonald's in Arkansas. One night, he saw a guy beating on a lady in the dining area, and gallantly stepped in. The guy went out to his car, got a gun, and shot the kid. Multiple times.
McDonald's has denied Haskett's workmen's comp claims, and refuses to help with his $300,000 medical expenses.
Da fuck, man? This kid is a real-life Pootie Tang. Whatever McDonald's legal position, they owe Nigel Haskett.
It's times like these that you understand why the Hamburglar turned to a life of crime.
[Thanks, Swish!]

...and My Birthday Is April 26

You know what else happened on April 26? Chernobyl.


*Womp-womp.*

The dream ticket

You've probably heard braying idiot Rick Santelli's little hissy fit from the floor of the Chicago Merc. Robert Gibbs fired off a perfectly modulated STFU in response this morning.
But for the punch line, check out giant Catholic heifer Kathryn Jean Lopez and her emotional inbox.

My birthday is May 24

If you're wondering what to get me, check out this "Fantastic Forefathers" t-shirt from threadless.

[Thanks, Eric!]

Yay, Jesus!

For me, Jesus is kind of like Modest Mouse. I really like their music, but I can't stand the fratty douchebag fan base they seem to have grown. Similarly, I love what Jesus has to say. It's the inbred fucktards who use Christianity as an excuse to denigrate their fellow humans who really piss me off.

So I'm really happy to have found WTF Would Jesus Do, Bitch? The blogger really likes Jesus, but doesn't like the majority of Christians. "I find news stories about shit Christians pull," she explains. "Then I find a corresponding Bible verse that says that's not OK; and then I post it here and let the hilarity ensue."

[Thanks, Dan Savage!]

Admit it

You know I'm right: Kirk got busy with a Tribble one time.

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

[I doff my cap to you, Rangelife]

Would somebody fire this no-talent wop hack already?

You've seen this awful cartoon by now. It's just the latest offensive, ham-fisted attempt at humor by the New York Post's dimwit racist "cartoonist," Sean Delonas.

As a longtime New Yorker, I was lucky enough to hate Delonas before the rest of the world caught on. My initial beef with him was that he couldn't draw for shit. Then a cursory examination of his output revealed that he wouldn't know a joke if it bit him on the scrote and burst into flames.

Post publisher Rupert Murdoch is not a stupid man. An evil man, yes, but not a stupid one. And I figured with popular opinion trending center-Left lately, Roops would have directed the flying monkeys in his tabloid news division to gradually dial down truculent, jackbooted swill like this. I mean, whiskey tango foxtrot? I'd expect a cartoon like this in Alabama, ca 1957. Only it probably would have been drawn better.

Gawker has a children's treasury of Delonas's racist, homophobic, jingoistic fucketry. Don't click on a full stomach.

Fixie-riding douchebags

So there's this punk band, This Bike is a Pipe Bomb. They're world-famous in Pensacola, FL.

That's a cute, catchy name. But when a pilot spotted a sticker advertising the band on a bike locked to a rack outside the Memphis International Airport terminal entrance, he didn't think "Hey! Great viral marketing!" Instead he alerted the local constabulary, who shut the place down, held flights, and sent in the bomb squad. False alarm lulz?

Yeah, no. Had I been one of the passengers delayed because of that goddamn sticker, I can promise you there would be one Memphis-area punk gingerly picking bike parts out of his asshole for a couple days.

Look, hipsters, I'm all about free expression. But this was just a case of shouting "Fire!" in a crowded theater.

And would you pompous dickbags lose the fucking neck beards, for crying out loud?

[Thanks to Yamabuchi for the pic]

STFU, Fatty

Rush Limbaugh's colossal panties are nearly always in a bunch. One reason, at least as far back as the 2008 primaries, has been the imagined reinstatement of the Fairness Doctrine.
I wanted to include something from Limbaugh talking out his wide, leaky ass on the subject, but he's such a bombastic bloviator that he defies excerpting. So just read a typical exemplar here.

Or don't, because guess what? President Obama has no interest in reinstating the Fairness Doctrine. Never has:

"As the president stated during the campaign, he does not believe the Fairness Doctrine should be reinstated," White House spokesman Ben LaBolt said.

Get a new act, Butterwhale.

Hey, Huckabee!

As far as I can tell, these chips are only available in the UK. But I'm sure a big TV star like you could special-order a private stock.




Then please stuff your smiling, fundamentalist, hillbilly retard face with them, OK? Sometimes fat people are nice.

But frankly, I'd be just as happy if you ate yourself into a coma. KBAI.

This Just In: College Students Are Still Annoying

What's a Valentine's Day without the national ritual of tediously shitty performances of the already tediously shitty The Vagina Monologues on college campuses from sea to shining sea? It ain't nothing unless you've got some clueless douche as the director:

College senior Jessica Gartner, the director of the play, said she has never considered herself a feminist. 'I don't like the word, and I think it's partly because I have images in my mind of women burning their bras and hating men,' she said.

>FACEPALM<

Wholesome fun in a public toilet

A Japanese office worker takes a quick bathroom break to play with a Godzilla water pistol game.

That game looks wicked fun! And I don't think any applicable laws have been broken. Are you taking notes, Senator Craig?
[Arigato, Tokyomango!]

Happy Valentine's Day!

Click the pic to embiggen it, or see the actual ad here.


[Thanks, Jack!]

You know what I'm glad I don't see anymore?

This fucking sign. It used to hang in the unheated barn where Dipshit would hold occasional pressers during his record-breaking vacation time.

I just always found it really irritating. Both for the affected cowboy swagger that it implies, i.e., the White House is where I say it is, and for the fact that somebody drawing a government salary created it. You and I paid for this cutesy horseshit while that impotent little drunk was working to destroy Social Security.
I really hope Bush lives long enough to see how history will judge him.

At the risk of sounding like a racist...

I must insist that white people stop doing this. It never works.

Mike Huckabee is a goddamn liar

Squirrel-eating hillbilly douchebucket Mike Huckabee is taking pot shots at the Stimulus Bill. And lying, while he's at it. Citing a provision that prohibits use of federal funds for the construction or renovation of religious facilities, the clog-dancing Fundamentalist ass clown yammers that the bill is "anti-religious."

"Now, that's just ridiculous--and unabashedly disingenuous, to boot," says Amy Sullivan. That provision has "been federal law for decades and has to be reiterated every time monies for school construction are approved."

HA! BURN! FACIAL! Quit bearing false witness, dumbass.

36% of you need a kick in the ass

Theofascist hillbillies in Florida and Texas persist in shoveling Intelligent Design horseshit into classrooms. Why? Because we're a bunch of intellectually lazy cowards and we let them.

A CNN poll conducted on the occasion of Charles Darwin's 200th birthday finds that 39% of Americans believe in the theory of evolution, a quarter of them don't, and 36% don't have an opinion on the matter at all.

It's that 36% that pisses me off. How can you not have an opinion about this?

Fine. This country is on its way to becoming a petting zoo for China anyway, so I guess we don't need responsible science education.

And Limp Bizkit is getting back together. Fuck you, America.

Book nook!

As you know, I'm something of an authority on contemporary art and literature. And I can say with confidence that if you don't buy my friend Bob Fingerman's new book, Connective Tissue (available for pre-order!), I'll punch you in the goddamn throat.

Joe Barton's Always Cranky Because His Vagina Is Full of Sand

When I'm having a bad day, I just think of Rep. Joe Barton (R-Texas) and cheer up, because at least I'm not a miserable old queef like he is. Seriously! He's always bitching about something over at the minority Website for the House Energy and Commerce Committee.

Of late, he appears to be on an epic butthurt crusade against the Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act, because he is convinced that "hand-knitted sweaters and hand-made bows may not be sold on eBay because they are not exempt from expensive lead testing requirements despite containing no metal components, and you will be unable to buy even a bike for your daughters because of the composition of the valves in the tires."

Awww, I think I know who wants and homemade scarf and a pink Huffy bike for his birthday... but who'd probably be just as happy with a bag of lead paint chips and some lawn darts.

Drew uses the Google

If you grow up fat and lonely like The Conservative Outpost's Drew McKissick, popular people really suck. Especially on the Google:

After googling Obama earlier today on some news items, I noticed the total number of entries that show up for the term "Obama": 341,000,000 (that's 341 million...)

A similarly exhaustive bit of investigative reporting revealed that the names "Bush" and McCain" got barely a fraction of the link love. "Not sure exactly what this says," Drew wheezes, "but I suppose it at least points to how broad the love of all things "O" was/is on the internet w/the nutroots crowd and, of course, the media, which comprises a good bit of the content as well..."

Oh my God! Drew's right! If everybody wants to know about you, then you're obviously hiding something.

Drew, you all right, buddy? Need another bucket of krill?

Take him out to the ballgame

I bag on Republicans way too much. It's important to remember that Democrats can be grandstanding twunts too.
Alex Rodriguez and 103 other pro baseball players have admitted to using steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Big whoop. We've got, like, two wars and a busted economy. Let's back-burner this issue for a while, okay, government?


Elijah Cummings ain't having any of that. He wants A-Rod to testify before Congress: "He is in a confessing mode, so maybe he needs to put his apology into some meaningful action by cooperating with the committee so we can see if there are things we need to reopen to make sure baseball is doing all that it can to rid itself of this kind of practice."

Oh for crap's sake! All right, fine. Have your goddamn hearing. But you'd better not bring any Yankees stuff for him to sign.

"Elijah Cummings" would be a rad name for, like, a Mennonite porn star though.

Hey, I moved the ads up so they run in between items now. Would it kill you to click on them once in a while?

Well, I'll be darned!

You know what they say about an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters eventually producing Shakespeare's complete works? I think I've found a corollary: If Joe Scarborough flaps his gums long enough, he might actually say something that's correct. Check it out:

You Know What The New Saturday Night Looks Like?

Well, fancy that, because I'll tell you! It's a $4.99 six-pack of Yuengling and store-brand mozzarella sticks from the Giant up the street, because that's about all anybody (thankfully) left with a job can splash out for at the end of the week.

And now check out this epic hieroglyphic installed at a museum in an age yet to come!!!!!(I would stick in the obligatory '1,' but we all need to make sacrifices)!!!!!:



w00t!

Baseball is fake, and Gene Orza is a dick

Yeah, so Alex Rodriguez and a bunch of other professional baseball players achieved their records and massive salaries with the aid of performance-enhancing drugs. I should file this under: "Well, duh," and move on. But check out MLB Players Association president Gene Orza!

After Rodriguez failed his first steroid screen in 2003, Orza tipped the hitter off a month before a second test. Presumably thanks to the heads-up, Rodriguez was able to pass that time. And when Orza was asked on Friday in the union's New York City office about the tipping allegations, he told a reporter, "I'm not interested in discussing this information with you."

Impressive! That's like a "no comment," but with a little "fuck you" thrown in for good measure. Nicely done, Gene.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone

I thought I'd post something about Miley Cyrus mocking Asian people then failing at apology, and Florida state commiteewoman Carol Carter mocking black people then failing at apology, and the burgeoning trend of the insincere apology. And then I started looking for photos, and I found this one of Carol Carter.

I mean, holy shit. Look at this heifer. I've seen some ugly broads in my day, but this is off the meter. Is that her head, or did somebody crap on her shoulders? She's so ugly she could qualify for disability.

I may be getting soft in my old age, but I can't, in good conscience, take pot-shots at a woman who has been so cruelly misshapen by fate.

Miley Cyrus can go fuck herself, though.

[Muchas gracias a Slant Eye for the Round Eye]

Why are people such assholes?

See this fussy-looking old fart? He's Kris Mineau, president of the Massachusetts Family Association. That's a club for small-minded shitwads with a crippling fear of teh ghey. Anyway, the Goodridges have filed for divorce, and Kris - no, I don't know why he spells his name like a chick - has a Schadenfreude-boner that won't quit.


Hillary and Julie Goodridge were the lesbian couple whose fight for the right to marry sparked a national movement. After four years, they've separated amicably. Yeah, it's sad, but shit happens.

But Kris is going all Church Lady on the poor broads. "Divorce is a very painful issue," he told the screwy, paranoid World Net Daily. "But I also can't help but reflect on the pain this couple has caused on the commonwealth and the nation to redefine marriage. And now they're getting divorced? It doesn't make a lot of sense," Mineau said.

"Obviously, they don't hold the institution in very high esteem."

Shut it, clown. Over 60% of American marriages - mostly, it's worth noting, between men and women - end in divorce.

And you're a load that your mother should have swallowed.

Kellogg serves up a bowl of asshole

The Kellogg Co. ended its sponsorship deal with Michael Phelps. Because he must be punished for the horrible practice of getting high at a party.

This is a company, Reason notes, founded by a man who was obsessed with policing people's personal sexual beahvior, and even advocated mutilating children to keep them from masturbating. In his book, Plain Facts for Old and Young, he also recommended, to prevent children from this "solitary vice", bandaging or tying their hands, covering their genitals with patented cages, sewing the foreskin shut, and electrical shock. I went to a bar like that once, back in NYC. I don't want to talk about it.

And not for nothing, but Kellogg makes more than cereal. It's also America's second largest cookie and cracker maker. Who the hell do you think is buying all those Keebler Fudge Shoppe Cookies?

I can tell you who won't, from now on. I'll never buy a Kellogg's product again as long as I live. Now don't you piss me off, Nabisco.

UPDATE: Sign the petition to let Kellogg's know what you think. [Thanks, Eat Me Daily!]

No stimuli for Grampa

The Nation notes that John McCain has taken his opposition to the stimulus bill online. And that doesn't really matter:

McCain's push... is unlikely to have much impact. Politically, Republicans have already been uniting against the stimulus. Organizationally, McCain's campaign email list is very thin, since the majority of addresses were purchased, not organically recruited, according to a senior GOP source.

But here's what I wanna know: When did Grampa start using the email? Fuck, he's gonna start forwarding golf jokes and funny dog pictures left and right. Update your filters.

The Bush Song

YouTuber Henryhey gave us the Palin Song a while back. I'm digging his latest:

Okay, Brazil, we get it

You're sexy. Fine. You dance the Forbidden Dance. Can we just take it as read?
A judge in Sao Paolo fined an electronics store for failing to repair a TV set, saying that it deprived the customer of an "essential good."
Fair enough. As an experienced Law & Order viewer I can clearly see there's room for appeal, but it's a valid legal opinion.
But the judge? He wanted to make it sexily clear: "Without it, how can the owner watch the beautiful women on Big Brother, the news or (football)," the judge quipped.
His Honor then looked at the assembled reporters with smoldering eyes and a playful sneer.

STFU, Voldemort

It didn't take long for Dick Cheney to become that cranky old guy who thinks the whole world is going to hell and things were a lot better back in his day:

“When we get people who are more concerned about reading the rights to an Al Qaeda terrorist than they are with protecting the United States against people who are absolutely committed to do anything they can to kill Americans, then I worry,” Cheney said.

Look, Dick... if this country can stand eight years of your corrupt, corrosive influence from within, I think we'll be okay from here. Go shoot a friend in the face or something.

Oh, for crap's sake, again!

Yeah, so Michael Phelps smoked pot. And that is only a shameful and scandalous thing because a preposterous law makes it so.


Aren't we in the middle of the biggest cockfucketyshitcunt motherfucking huge financial crisis this nation - nay, this hemisphere - has ever faced? Surely this government would welcome any and all new revenue streams.

And the regulation and sale of legalized marijuana would net our nation a tidy... uh... hey, anybody out there know about this sort of thing? I can hook you up with some cool shit if you explain it for us.

Seriously.

I've got a can't miss movie idea!

Mr. Wurzelbacher Goes to Washington!

Quick, what's Larry the Cable Guy doing?

Cut Christian Bale some slack

As a friend recently observed, he's had a rough life: growing up in a POW camp, forced to eke out a meager living selling newspapers, battling dragons and moonlighting as a crimefighter.

Oh, and here's the extended dance mix of his freakout on the set of Terminator 4.

Art ya gotta have

Boundless thanks to Stop All Monsters for hipping us to this art treasure:


This particular black velvet painting was hand-painted in Tijuana, Mexico in 2008 by the professional Mexican velvet Elvis artist "ARGO." It is called: "Joe The Plumber On Black Velvet" (Modern American Media Martyrtm #274/1000).

That's a low edition number - the kind of thing that will net you mad scrilla on Antiques Roadshow 2020.

This Just In: Don McLean is Still Annoying

Well, hello there! It's almost the 50th anniversary of the Day the Music Died (womp-womp). So let us revisit the Time-Life infomercial star of yesteryear that is one Mr. Don McLean, genesis of the DtMD's most cloying by-product. And goddamn!, is that one annoying-ass song, especially live:

For Don McLean, "a long, long time ago" was, what?, 1972(?)-1959=13 years(?), which means that if he were farting around now for the first time courtesy of a time-shift, he'd be whining about 1996, and probably about how Deep Blue beat Gary Kasparov at chess and then stole his Motorola StarTAC or some bullshit. And he'd probably write a 1,823-minute song about it, too.

"I'm not gonna bad-mouth, but I'm gonna bad-mouth."

Apparently this started out as an infomercial for a leather clothing store. But it kinda took a turn for the political:
"If Hillary Clinton didn't spend a whole year runnin' for President, instead of doin' somethin' for the state of New York, maybe we'd be a little better. If Spitzer wasn't out there poppin' chicks like BAHN-BAHNS, maybe we'd be a little better. So for a whole freakin' year, we had a woman runnin' all over the country runnin' for President, and I ain't seen her face since. Meanwhile, in upstate New York, there's no jobs, there's no action, ain't nothin' happenin'"

Yes, it really is 2009

I can't believe we're still having this conversation. In the run-up to a final vote in March, the Texas State Board of Education is debating the language in biology textbooks concerning the theory of evolution. While voting to drop language stressing the "strengths and weaknesses" of this model, which is accepted by every other civilized nation on earth, the board now requires students and teachers to "analyze and evaluate common ancestry and natural selection, both key components of modern evolutionary theory."


The Texas Freedom Network has been liveblogging all public debate on the issue, and it's kinda scary.

Ken Mercer, a particularly stupid board member from San Antonio, dismissed any notion that denying students a solid grounding in something so basic to science as evolution will put them at an academic disadvantage later in life. He portrays that as discrimination against people whose religious beliefs lead them to reject evolution.

"So much for the argument that this debate isn’t about religion," TFN observes.

You know why these people don't believe in evolution? Because it hasn't happened to them yet.