"'Quelle horreur!' exclaimed Monsieur Karnick as he furtively clutched the pearl necklace painstakingly strung for him by Andrew Breitbart..."

This guy right here, a one Mr. S.T. Karnick (headshot at left actual head size), is all butthurt about how PBS and the BBC took creative license with Oliver Twist for the 323,323th film version of said novel. As in, this time around, Nancy is... not white!

"The story and characterizations, unfortunately, don’t match the faithful and evocative visuals. One of the first and most jarring notes is the appearance of actress Sophie Okonedo as Nancy, Oliver’s protector in Fagin’s den of thieves. Okonedo was born of a Jewish mother and black father and looks very African in descent."

But if that ain't enough >facepalm< for your evening, slog through the rest of this douche's tl;dr opus, wherein he yells about how Fagin's portrayal ultimately is part of some epic war on masculinity; this particular adaptation is a "slam against Christianity"; and how Teh Teabaggers should totes get all emo at PBS.

If you click on our ads, I'll blow you a little

Okay, probably not. But would it kill you to click? Here, for your trouble, is a video of a very talented singer.

Xenophobic? Shitty speller?

Then a bright future awaits you at the Right Wing News!


It's called a hijab, dickbag. And I think you mean firemen.

5 people who need to STFU

5. Angie Harmon
Former celebrity
At the launch of her new eyelash-growing formula(?), Harmon told Fox, "I'm just going to come out and say it. If I have anything to say against Obama it's not because I'm a racist."
Great! Now that that's settled, the world can go back to not thinking about her.

4. John Cornyn
Senator (R-TX)
When he's not playing dress-up and pretending to be a cowboy, this old fuck threatens "World War III" if Democrats attempt to seat Al Franken in the Senate.

3. Andrew Breitbart
Pussy
In an op-ed for the apeshit Washington Times, the tubby bitch whines that "Internet hooligans are spewing their talking points to thwart the dissent of the newly-out-of-power."

2. Stephen Chow
Guy I used to think was really cool
He dropped out of the Green Hornet movie, thus dooming it to suckitude. Shit. I was really looking forward to his Kato.

And finally...

1. This fucking idiot
Illiterate teabagger

Nice sign.

Rep. Shimkus: Still an idiot

Caroline told us earlier about Lord Discount's Lulzy Cavalcade of Climate Change Denial. Rep. John Shimkus (R-IL) joined the party too, proceeding from a dipshit premise that is pure, homegrown Fundamentalist kuh-razy:


"There is a theological debate that this is a carbon-starved planet."

What the hell does that sentence mean?

I can't even think up a word to describe somebody this dumb.

[Hat tip: Limey]

You Kin Eat It

Dunkin’ Donuts’ new commercial is a microcosm of everythin’ wrong with America. Three zombified kids stare at the TV, which literally enthralls them in a tractor beam. Chunky Dad pops in and snaps them from their bedazzlement by wavin’ donuts at them. Yes, get your lard-assed kids away from the tube so they can scarf up glazed and besprinkled cholesterol bombs. Good parentin’, a-hole.

Back on the polls

The One's days are numbered at 1600!

The honeymoon is over, according to a national poll out today as President Obama’s job approval stumbles to about 50 percent over the lack of improvement with the crippled economy.

The sobering numbers come as the president backpedals from two prime-time gaffes - one comparing his bowling score to a Special Olympian and another awkwardly laughing about the economy, which prompted Steve Kroft of “60 Minutes” to ask “are you punch-drunk?”

But there's something you should know about the poll referenced in that Boston Herald item: It was conducted by John Zogby, the worst pollster in the world. Break it down, Nate Silver:

All told, between 48 contests that he's surveyed over the past two election cycles, Zogby's Internet polls have been off by an average of 7.6 points. This is an extreme outlier with respect to absolutely anyone else in the polling community.

So. Yeah. Don't pack just yet, Barry.

Why I'm an atheist

The Archbishop of Canterbury says that God "will not give a happy ending."














[Thanks, Luke!]

Chantelle, Queen of Chavs

Yes, it's not cool to pick on a 15-year-old... but when you're a kinda slutty 15-year-old who's a doppelganger for Bloody Mary by way of a paternity-test-themed episode of Maury, well, it just writes itself, really.

Michael Steele is actually Michael Scott

I'm serious. Scrub to 32 seconds in on this Michael Steele interview:


Now watch Michael Scott:


QED.

Bruce Lee > Iron Man

Absolutely badass.



[Thanks eversomuch to the good ladies of Disgrasian]

Gee, this ought to help the GOP with their "relevance" problem

Maybe this is just some of that "out of the box, off the hook" thinking that Michael Steele was babbling about a while back.
Remember Kevin Abrams? The totally hetero guy who can't stop thinking about gay Nazis? Well his BFF/co-author Scott Lively is addressing something called the Murrieta-Temecula Republican Assembly next month.

The title of his speech? The Pink Swastika: Homosexuality in the Nazi Party.

Some days this thing writes itself!

HoLOLcaust!

My super-awesome beautiful friend Dana forwards this casting notice from MTV:

Concentration Camp prisoner. Short Short hair, crew at least, or willing to have hair cut most likely.. The promo will be a spoof of a movie used as an MTV promo..
works this friday 3/27

Yay, concentration camp jokes! Thanks, MTV!

[Photo credit: Mr. C]

Ed Henry needs a waaaahmbulance

CNN's senior White House correspondent has, as the kids say, been served. Now he needs to man up and STFU.
"I went hard on the AIG question," he breathlessly recalls. (Ha! He said "hard on.")



Asked and answered? That's not how Ed sees it: "The president, like any good politician, decided to pick and choose what to answer. So he... ignored the AIG stuff."

Um, no, bitch. That's not what happened. Watch the clip again.

Science Getting a Discount Tomorrow!

Guess what! Everybody's boyfriend Joe Barton has invited his pen-pal Lord Christopher Monckton, the Third Viscount Monckton of Brenchley (no, seriously, THAT'S HIS REAL NAME), "to tell a House committee on Wednesday that the earth is cooling instead of warming, and he has the data to prove it." O SNAP!!

And pray tell, what else has this Lord Discount weighed in on in the past with his noble expertise? IDK, just some bullshit about how straight people totes couldn't get AIDS and the gays should've been quarantined.

Laid in Peoria?

Dan Savage makes a compelling point about the new Republican Congressman from Illinois:

He's young, he's ripped, he's single... He's also anti-gay and you know what that usually means.

In case you don't know what that usually means...

Harry Potter and the Zionist Conspiracy

Wacky Christian fundies haven't yammered about the Harry Potter movies in a while. But Boing Boing guest blogger Richard Metzger unearthed this howler from another screwy religious culture:

Tea-bagging douchebag

I get lame pitches from PR people all the time. But this one is off the meter:

American Tea Party Anthem Sweeping the Country!

Recorded less than a week ago, the "American Tea Party Anthem" by Lloyd Marcus is sweeping the country. Singer, Songwriter, Entertainer & political activist Lloyd Marcus is a self proclaimed proud black conservative. “ I believe that Conservatism is compassionate and is the true path to achieving the American Dream. Liberalism weakens the human spirit by encouraging people to view themselves as victims.” Lloyd Marcus

Marcus' song has captured the pulse and hearts of the anti-stimulus, take back America movement. “American Tea Party” anthem first aired on Orlando talk radio show, Bud Hedinger Live, 540WFLA. From there, to the front page of the prestigious website, World Net Daily. The bloggers took it from there promoting what they consider to be the 'voice of we the people' expressed in Marcus' song.

Invitations for Marcus to perform his hit are flooding in from around the country.

CDs are in production. To obtain a copy of “American Tea Party Anthem”, mail $5 to: Lloyd Marcus / P.O. Box 6472 / Deltona, FL 32728

Lloyd Marcus is president of the NAACPC (National Association for the Advancement of Conservative People of Color).

American Tea Party by Lloyd Marcus

© 2009 ZEPHYRUS MUSIC, BMI

Oy to the vey.

5 people who are bat shit crazy

5. Michelle Bachmann, House of Representatives (R-MN)
On her dead-ender political role:

"I’m a foreign correspondent on enemy lines and I try to let everyone back here in Minnesota know exactly the nefarious activities that are taking place in Washington."

4. George Lambus, candidate (R) for Mayor of Jackson, MS

On, I shit you not, bringing back the noose:

"Crime can only be alleviated by a noose and a stout tree limb. I will provide the noose."

3. Alan Dershowitz, Ambulance Chaser
Defending John Yoo's position on torture:

"I want maximal pain, minimum lethality. You don’t want it to be permanent, you don’t want someone to be walking with a limp, but you want to cause the most excruciating, intense, immediate pain. Now, I didn’t want to write about testicles, but that’s what a lot of people use."

2. Robert Bowie Johnson, Jr., Wackadoo
Exposing the secret Obama/Oprah conspiracy:

"Barack Obama’s connections to Oprah Winfrey and her New Age guru, Eckhart Tolle, are the least examined, yet most revealing, and by far the most potentially ruinous of the senator’s nefarious associations."

1. Megyn Kelly, Fox News telebunny
Asking an ACORN spokesman, "You're going to send child rapists out to conduct the census?"

When you care enough to send the very lamest

So you're a white supremacist in prison for life on a murder beef. How do you while away the time? The guys on Oz enjoyed a variety of hobbies, from shiv whittling to ass rape. 

But if you're Casper Crowell, spiritual father to the crackpot Holy Nation of Odin, you design and sell racist greeting cards. 

HA HA HA HA! Wow, that's butch. What's the matter, was the scrapbooking club too full of Jews?

Also - it's kinda hard to tell from the thumbnails, but dude can't draw for shit.

Aw crap, Barack

Shitfuckpiss.  Sarah Palin is gonna wave her Downsy (grand)kid around like nobody's business now. 

UPDATE: I told you so! 

Palin Hits Obama on 'Special Olympics' Joke
Gov. Sarah Palin responded to remarks made last night by President Obama related to the Special Olympics on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno":

“I was shocked to learn of the comment made by President Obama about Special Olympics,” Governor Palin said. “This was a degrading remark about our world’s most precious and unique people, coming from the most powerful position in the world.

“These athletes overcome more challenges, discrimination and adversity than most of us ever will. By the way, these athletes can outperform many of us and we should be proud of them. I hope President Obama’s comments do not reflect how he truly feels about the special needs community.”

Oddly, Palin has rejected stimulus funds intended for special-needs education. You betcha!

This Just In: Billy Mays and Don McLean Gave Birth to Twins at the Prom...

...or some shit. Anyway, their demon-spawn found their way out of the dumpster outside your high school's gymnasium and formed a band just so that they could rape your eardrums and eyeballs with their shitty-ass music and videos under the moniker of The Avett Brothers.

Does Condoleezza Rice know that people write down and sometimes even record the shit she says?

Everybody talks about how smart this gap-toothed uggo with the fuck-me boots is, but I have my doubts. The other night, she told Charlie Rose that, in the run-up to the Iraq war, "no one was arguing that Saddam Hussein somehow had something to do with 9/11... I was certainly not, the President was certainly not."

That's like Kathryn Jean Lopez telling you that she's not a giant fat pig.
Sorry, Condi, but not only did you tell people that Saddam was behind 9/11, but so did Chimpy and, more recently (and retardedly) Ari Fleischer.
Watch out for the little red light next time you run your pie hole, Sweet Cheeks.

A pride of lions, a murder of crows...

... and a boatload of assholes.

Just for shits and giggles, I subscribed to the Human Events email newsletter. The site bills itself as the "Headquarters of the Conservative Undergound," but most of their bulletins are spam for shit like Ann Coulter's favorite junk stocks and Pat Robertson's energy shakes.

But this is pretty special: A 10-day Mediterranean cruise with Karl Rove, Dick Morris and a brace of ancillary wackadoos from the National Review.

This is an even more revolting prospect than the Sean Hannity Douchestock Tour.
I think I'd rather be locked in a TB ward with Dane Cook and Rita Rudner for a year.

Not sure how I feel about this tag line

I dunno. Buy me a drink and we'll talk about it.


[Thanks, Jedd!]

Get a load of this poll!

With a favorable rating of just 19%, according to a new CBS News poll, Rush Limbaugh is only slightly more popular than deep-fried AIDS.

When Dan Aykroyd stands trial for crimes against comedy

This video alone will be enough to hang him.

Tom Hanks can, I pray, be rehabilitated.
[Thanks, Gerry!]

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Slainte!

Scumbags

Public health advice from a guy whose job description specifically says "NO FUCKING?" Yeah, that makes sense.

Joey Ratz alighted in Cameroon the other day, his first visit to Africa as pope. And before you could even say, "22 million people in sub-Saharan Africa are infected with HIV," he offered a typically /facepalm-worthy answer to the continent's AIDS crisis: "You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms," the pope told reporters aboard the Alitalia plane headed to Yaounde.

"His opposition to condoms conveys that religious dogma is more important to him than the lives of Africans," said Rebecca Hodes of the Treatment Action Campaign in South Africa.

To which the pontiff replied, "Oooh! Listen to her!"

Cut it out, Germany

[Der Spiegel, via Weird Universe]

Ron Paul Vs... Stephen Baldwin?

What, the How's Your News kids were too busy?

Peanut Butter Jelly Time - with Charlie Manson!

[Thanks, Rich!]

Do what the big giant angry man says

Boing Boing's Cory Doctorow posted this video of Penn Jillette arguing in favor of legalizing pot.


Neither Jillette nor Doctorow use drugs, but they argue from enlightened self-interest: prosecuting and jailing non-violent offenders is a colossal waste of money, and legalization would weaken the criminals who currently control the trade. Doctorow's closer is a tough sell, but it makes more sense than throwing more money down a hole:

As far as I'm concerned, everything that we call "drugs" -- including crystal meth, heroin, crack, and other drugs that destroy lives in vast swaths -- should be legalized and brought into the light of day so that the people who have problems with them can get help without the stigma of criminality and so that the people who don't have problems with them can get on with doing their thing.

And I'm off. Have a great weekend!

Glenn Beck hears voices

And he wonders if you do too:

"While the voices you hear in the distance may sound intimidating, as if they surround us from all sides... Once you pull the curtain away you realize that there are only a few people pressing the buttons, and their voices are weak... "

Glenn, Glenn... I know your medicine makes you fat. But you have to keep taking it, even if you think you're getting better. Hang in there, buddy!


[Respect]

Shenani... ?

C'mon. This guy is just too perfectly doughy and pathetic to be real.

He's either a brilliant character actor who has hit upon a genius method of viral self-promotion - in which case, mad props - or he has a taint in desperate need of kicking.

[Thanks, Jeremy!]

True Love IS DEAD!!!

O NOES!! You guys, Bristol and Levi broke up! That kid of theirs, though, appears to have arrived at a similar conclusion a while ago.

More Catholicism 'n' stuff

It's nice to see two major faiths work together for a common cause.
It'd be even nicer if the cause were something other than protecting their own rapey asses from lawsuits:

Albany, NY (AHN) - Roman Catholic and Orthodox Jewish officials in New York are opposed to approval of the Child Victims Act pending before the state legislature. The proposal aims to temporarily remove the statute of limitations for lawsuits concerning sexual abuse of children.

[Thanks, Jocelyn!]

Catholicism 'n' stuff

I was raised Catholic, but I've had it with that crowd. And I complained to my friend Ky over IM that it's easier to leave the Mafia.

He was no help:

Why not just rape a little boy in a church with the full knowledge of...oh, wait. Well, why not just denigrate the suffering of millions of murdered...oh, wait. Why don't you terrorize, torture, and maim anyone who disagrees with you and your...oh, wait. Yeah, I can see how that'd be a tough fucking task.

Thanks anyway, buddy!

The Sheer Galt...

Ayn Rand was a mediocre writer who espoused selfishness as a virtue. Naturally, the idiot conservative punditocracy has embraced her of late, calling for "Going Galt" (after Rand's Atlas Shrugged all-heart protag, John Galt). Okay, that's already retarded, but what really frosts my strawberries is that all these Galty-Come-Latelies can't even pronounce Rand's firstname correctly. It's not Ann, you bimboes, it's Ayn! Isn't that name fucked up enough to be memorable? Ayn. Here's an easy mnemonic, jerkwads: Ayn rhymes with whine. Got it?

NO! I FORBID THIS!

Some fucking idiot actually wants to remake the movie Arthur, with the cancerously unfunny Russell Brand in the title role. This must not be allowed to happen. Brand is to comedy as Jeffrey Dahmer is to non-white teenagers. The only movie he should ever make is one where he dies, for real.

Silly Cracker, Facebook Trix Are For Kids!

Like most people, I visit Wonkette when I want a quick recount of some asinine shit someone in elected office recently has splattered on the little scab on the earth's crust that he or she calls home. Like this-here dude to the left on your screen, a one Mr. Boyd Austin, mayor of Dallas, Ga., and who has been observed of late to have indulged in a spot of Facebook status updates so mouthbreathingly obtuse that they surely try the patience of even the most zealous racist of the No!bama genus.

Also, as I am rather familiar with Mr. Austin's scab on the earth's crust in the present space-time continuum, I assume that he's also probably a little butthurt that T.I. picked nearby Powder Springs as one of the backdrops for his fancy MTV show.

For those of you keeping score at home...

Victoria Jackson is still a fucking idiot.

Tightasses accidentally help people

So remember when Kellogg's shrieked like a 1950's housewife who saw a mouse when the world's greatest athlete did a bong rip at a party? At least some good has come of the cereal company's dickitude:

Apparently, that left only one problem: what to do with the boxes of Corn Flakes and Frosted Flakes bearing Phelps' toothy grin. The answer seemed pretty clear two weeks ago when the local Food Bank took delivery of nearly 2 tons of the cereal.

Great news! But this comment from reader "Skeetaroo" makes me want to punch somebody: "The Food Bank is withholding a few boxes as 'souvenirs'? The purpose of the Food Bank is to feed hungry people, not to withhold food so employees can sell them on E-Bay in a couple of months. Disgusting."

5 pie holes that need shutting

Glenn Beck

"Stem cell research = Obama's Nazi Master Race"

Fred Phelps

PWNED by Lovecraft nerds

This fucking asshole

"Dan White was a hero for killing a queer!"

Ann Coulter

"Wasn't Bobby Jindal great in Slumdog Millionaire?"

Michelle Malkin

"Poor people don't deserve cell phones"

Dogs + Ponies + Queen = WIN

No turtles or shoe rape, though.

Blooming idiots

Last November, Connecticut became the second state in the union to legally recognize same-sex marriages.
The law addresses only the civil institution of marriage, and nobody will force a Catholic priest - or any other clergy member - to celebrate a same-sex wedding. But the mackerel snappers are still stamping their tiny feet over the new law:

For instance, it wants to ensure that a florist opposed to gay marriage on religious grounds not be forced to sell flowers to a same-sex couple.

That's right: They're concerned for the rights of anti-gay florists. If you're a florist and you're not gay, that means you're in the Mafia.

[Thanks, Limey!]

Ever see a turtle rape a shoe?

Now's your chance!

On Your Bike, Mope

After you look at his pic and read his quote, need I elaborate on why this queef is here? "Moped Racer"? Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't even know that was a thing to be. Fuck you, West Elm. Nice furniture, but fire the douche who puts together your catalog!

Are You a Heaping, Fetid Pile of Objectivist White Trash?

If so, congratulations! Because you and your husband just got arrested today in Tyler, Texas, for imprisoning your mentally disabled brother in your home, because you didn't want him "stealing [your] food."

Oh, and the fuzz came to cuff you at a fast-food restaurant, which is pretty funny when you think about it: you lock your own brother in his own filth and starvation so that he won't steal your precious food, and then you don't even bother to eat it yourself. YOU WIN.

Opinion Bunny gets it wrong

Michelle Obama spent some time at a D.C. soup kitchen the other day. Nice gesture, right? Raise a little awareness, maybe goose a few donations or inspire other volunteers.

But this other Michelle is all "Fuck that:"

...here is one of the homeless cell phone owners snapping a pic of First Lady Michelle Obama — ruining what was supposed to be a sob story photo op of the compassionate Mrs. O catering to the downtrodden.
Say cheese!
Some folks are wondering where the cell phone bills get sent.
The answer is obvious: ACORN headquarters.

Homeless people don't deserve to have anything, not even a cell phone. They don't have homes, what do they need phones for? While we're at it, do they really need shoes? And those pants should go to a normal hard-working American. Homeless people don't need pants, because all they'll ever do is fill the pockets with drugs paid for with your tax dollars!

Hey poor people! Could you be any more poor?

Need someplace to channel your energy, because Michelle Malkin's taint is not conveniently kickable at the moment? Here are some constructive outlets:

• Donate to the Coalition for the Homeless
• Sign up with Volunteer Match
• Start a Burrito Project and help feed some hungry people in your area

It's good karma. And I don't know about you, but I'm maybe two paychecks away from blowing dudes behind a dumpster.

Okay, one paycheck.

All right, a couple of hours.

I guess there are limits

Even if you're the leader of the free world:

I really can't decide

This is either the worst line of comic book dialog in the history of printed matter... or the greatest. What is your opinion, Gentle Reader?

[Thanks, Chris!]

Brazilian wackness

Are you a Holocaust denier? Joey Rat welcomes you back to Mother Church.

But help a nine-year-old Brazilian rape victim get an abortion? This fuckwit drag queen will excommunicate your olive-skinned ass quicker than you can say "Hey, Macarena!"

Watch out, Mormons! The mackerel snappers might out-crazy you if you're not careful.

[Thanks, Hoffkins! You tubby bitch.]

Do you love Jesus? Or just hate Jews?

Either way, you'll love this Christian alternative to kosher salt. It's the perfect seasoning for your Republican Rump Roast.

[Hat-tip: /food]

Truth 'n' reconciliation 'n' stuff

David Rivkin is the most hilarious-looking person to speak on this issue so far.


PS: This guy owns the word "hilarious."

Nothing to do with anything

But this commercial is blowing my mind.

Listen up, California

Stop putting these goddamn things on my sandwich. I don't know what kind of hippie shit you're into, but they make everything taste like a bath mat. So quit it.