Thursday, April 30, 2009

Peace in our lifetime


(Image via The Superficial)

[Thanks, Ky!]

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

If you live in North Carolina's 5th District...

Please pass along my regards to your drunken gargoyle of a Congresswoman, Virginia Foxx. Her official web site won't accept emails from anybody outside her district.

This gnarly, dust-queefing old heifer got herself some national airtime today, calling Matthew Shepard's murder a "hoax" - with Shepard's mother in the room. But Watauga Watch has had an eye on Ginny's wrinkly flat ass since she first began stinking up the House of Representatives, and their impression is a caricature of a mean old white lady:

She said families facing foreclosure in the mortgage crisis "never expected to pay the loans back," voted against extending unemployment benefits to her stricken constituents, and thinks America's economic troubles are just a bunch of liberal tongue-wagging.
Never mind the email. Maybe I'll just give her a shout on Twitter. Why don't you do the same?

UPDATE: The old drunk is trying to spin her House floor comments:
"I was referring to a 2004 ABC 20/20 report on Mr. Shepard's death. The 20/20 report questioned the motivation of those responsible for Mr. Shepard's death. Referencing this media account may have been a mistake, but if so it was a mistake based on what I believed were reliable accounts."
Nice try. That 20/20 story has been thoroughly fisked and found to have been a shoddy piece of reporting.
As you can see, the 20/20 report substantially omits evidence that was produced at the time establishing McKinney's bias motivation. And indeed, McKinney not only did not deny the existence of this bias, he positively embraced it at trial by attempting a "gay panic" defense.
Fuck off, Virginia.



Florida: Pride of the Nation

Good As You has diligently pointed out the difference between a sexual orientation and a sexual fetish every time the distinction has been blurred in the run-up to the vote on the hate crimes bill. Despite that, Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-FL) reminds us that the GOP does not have the market cornered on assholery:

And it's urolagnia, not urophilia. You stupid fucking hillbilly. Jeez, you even suck at being a pervert.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

This Just In: France Gall Is Probably Still Galled

Hey, Avett Brothers fans! I bet you're all creaming yourselves over the ACL lineup that was released today!

But I digress.

Anyway, I know shit-all French, but I've heard that this France Gall song is a tribute to Ella Fitzgerald, and also per the video:



I mean, it's total '80s cheese, and it's basically a Benetton ad, but whatever.

So of course this klassy remake from last year makes a lot of sense:

What's round on both ends and high?

Okay, I totally didn't get Devo when I was a kid. I mean, I loved their music, but in a fuck it, we're all gonna die anyway, lumpensuburbanite, stupid teenager way.

"Ironically, Devo was kind of optimistic," Devo founder Mark Mothersbaugh tells Spinner. He and his bandmates naively thought that, "all [they] had to do was talk about things and people would say, 'Wait a minute. Let's do the math here, it's not gonna work.' And then the humans would wanna change things.'"

I got one thing right, though! Mothersbaugh's bandmate Gerald Casale calls Rush Limbaugh "a great example of devolution." Shit yeah, I'm hip!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Reading Republicans

The GOP is into some straight-up Harry Potter shit, the way they can predict the future. First Masala Goober ridiculed stimulus funding for "something called volcano monitoring," just weeks before Alaska's Mt. Redoubt covered Anchorage in ash.

Now the US faces the possibility of a swine flu pandemic. And we learn that Karl Rove and Congressional Republicans ridiculed a proposed stimulus bill allotment of $900 million for pandemic preparedness.

This is really useful information. Now we know that if a Republican thinks an idea is bad, it is the correct course of action. Glad we figured this one out!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me!


Yay! My boyfriend Joe Barton got me an early present... Lord Discount was back in town this past Friday! Except it was all for naught, as the House Energy and Commerce Committee bumped his fine ass for Newt Gingrich at some climate change hearing.

Also, it was 93 degrees today.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Brand old party

Republican National Committee member James Bopp, Jr. (pictured) has drafted a resolution to rename the opposition the "Democrat Socialist Party:"
“Just as President Reagan’s identification of the Soviet Union as the ‘evil empire’ galvanized opposition to communism, we hope that the accurate depiction of the Democrats as a Socialist Party will galvanize opposition to their march to socialism.”

I have a resolution too. Mine renames Bopp "Mister Time-Wasting Shitpants Imbecile."

A request for the producers of the "Twilight" sequel, "New Moon"

Save some gay for the rest of us, could you?

Angry, paranoid, heavily-armed white guys can't spell

"July 4th 2009: 1,000,000 Armed Militia Man March on Washington. Be there if your (sic) a true patriot!"

Sorry. I used to be a copy editor. Shit like this drives me bats.

Happy birthday, Caroline!

Your boyfriend Joe Barton tweets that he "baffled" Energy Secretary Steven Chu with a "gotcha" question about where oil comes from.

Congratulations, Secretary Chu, on becoming the nation's most overqualified grade school science teacher!
[Gracias a Talking Points Memo!]

Fascism statement!

Spring is here! Time for the National Socialist Movement to wake up the look! The Satan-loving racists took St. Louis by sturm last week in chic all-black ensembles. “If we were given control of the system," NSM Chief Fashion Plate Jeff Schoep said, "we’d do all kinds of things that I think the American public is for, even some of the non-whites who may not necessarily like everything we stand for.”

The easy-care outfits are especially handy at book burnings, like the one the NSM is hosting next month in Oregon.

And despite what you might expect from a bunch of men who fuss about clothing, some of them actually have sex with women:
A sweep of skinhead lairs throughout the Inland Empire on Monday twice took sheriff's deputies to maternity wards where pregnant women were trying to bear babies on Adolf Hitler's birthday.
As the old saying goes, you can't judge a book by its cover!

O_o


WTF.
"KINGSTON - Representatives of some hospitals revealed that more men have been fracturing their penises in recent months than any other time in Jamaica."

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

"Sean Penn don't pay no gay alimony"

This might just be the coolest PSA ever.


[Thanks, Swish!]

Whale FAIL

I'm risking my budding romance with Hayden Panettiere by laughing at this, but I can't help it:
(HuffPo)

WHALE STRIKE: Whale Protection Research Boat Hits Endangered Whale

Looking for a way to get your ass kicked?

Celebrate the immortal Bard of Avon's 445th birthday by talking like Shakespeare.
Because Shakespeare nerds aren't annoying enough - sorry, enow - as it is.
You could also rock this shirt from the inestimably wonderful Married to the Sea.


Hey nonny nonny!

So you remember that time I said the guy in the 30 Rock video looked like a sex offender?


I hate being right all the time.

















[Thanks to Midtown Miscreant, via the Indefatigable Ed Grant]

Hey! Are you still looking for video of a guy who looks like a registered sex offender in a Harry Potter movie gyrating to the "30 Rock" theme?

Got ya covered:

[Thanks, Gerry!]

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

You probably don't know any rich people anymore, so this New York magazine piece might come as a shock: They're assholes.
"I’m not giving to charity this year!" one hedge-fund analyst shouts into the phone, when I ask about Obama’s planned tax increases. "When people ask me for money, I tell them, 'If you want me to give you money, send a letter to my senator asking for my taxes to be lowered.' I feel so much less generous right now."
What I wouldn't give for five minutes alone with that prick, and a sock full of horse manure.

Well that took only slightly longer than expected

Rush Limbaugh can add another set of balls to his trophy collection: those of Rep. Todd Tiahrt (R-KS). In an interview last week with the editorial board of the Kansas City Star, Tiahrt described the porcine broadcaster as "just an entertainer." GOP chairman Michael Steele and Rep. Phil Gingrey (R-GA) could have told Tiahrt - in high, squeaky voices - that that Is Not Done.

Tiahrt lasted longer than handicappers had predicted, but he finally caved the other day:
"The congressman believes Rush is a great leader of the conservative movement in America... Nothing the congressman said diminished the role Rush has played and continues to play in the conservative movement."
Cheer up, Todd: Your Congressional health plan covers Neuticles!

Pot calls kettle morbidly obese

Here's what gargantuan tallow bag Rush Limbaugh had to say about Barack Obama last night, talking with Greta "Strokeface" Van Susteren:
"I think we're looking at a person with a God or messianic complex, certainly narcissistic"
Do you think he even hears himself?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Heatstrokin' It

Here's all you need to know:



Plus:



Plus this dude, who stole his family's Ford Windstar for the day:

video

And these people:



BUT HOLD THE FUCK UP! What was going on in Vegas on Saturday night?



THAT'S RIGHT. Muthafuckin' team darts, people.

Also:



~*I don't think you're ready for this Juche*~

AND:



Pedo Bear evidently makes his home between Desert Center and Needles, so watch out. Safety first.

File under: Who cares?

For some reason, LAist interviewed bubbleheaded attention whores reality TV stars Heidi Montag and (the very aptly named) Spencer Pratt. I'll save you the trouble:
Heidi, during the election you endorsed John McCain for president. How do you think Barack Obama is doing as president so far?
HM: Not as good as McCain. I'm just kidding. I don't know it's hard to tell. It's a crazy world but I think he's doing just fine.

So, people are really into these two? Like, if I post a picture of this re-re, I'll get lots of hits? 'Cause that'd be nice. Oh, and could you click on the ads? Even the ones for, like, Sarah Palin's PAC?

Oooh, get a load of Miss Brezhnev!

Firedoglake observes that the GOP's new angle of attack - that President Obama should not be seen "smiling and being with" adversarial foreign leaders - is both hypocritical and a failed strategy.
But you know what else?
CAPTION CONTEST!

Leave your best efforts in the comments. Winner gets a copy of Black Dogs, signed by the author, my angry little friend Jason Burhmester. Just don't make fun of his shitty tattoos.

"Oink! Oink! Oink!"

"After gay marriage, the most religiously committed Americans will be effectively marginalized as a public force—because they cannot act or support the idea that gay unions are marriages. Such people will, if we lose the marriage debate, be treated the way we treat bigots who oppose interracial marriage." - Maggie Gallagher

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Torture Memos: Waterboarding

My buddy Jonathan, a.k.a. the Song a Day guy, has set one of the torture memos to music.
Everybody's blogging solemnly about the banality of evil. But nobody mentions the catchiness of evil! 
I just hope Yoo and Bybee don't hit Jonathan up for royalties now. That would be just like them.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

The jig is up!

Oh shit! Power Line finally figured out what teabagging means. And they are not laughing:
These supposed journalists and their networks... have rather seriously insulted the citizens who colorfully took to the streets to air respectable views in a most civil fashion. If they had any decency, Cooper et al. would apologize for their vile reference to sexual practices in the context of ordinary citizens exercising their First Amendment rights.

And you'd better watch your snarky ass too, Taibbi:
UPDATE: I had missed Matt Taibbi's vulgar assault on Michelle Malkin in this context drawing on the heterosexual form of the practice.
(NB: It is my understanding that teabagging is orientation-agnostic - all may enjoy the practice, gay or straight. Or, as Powerline prefers it, "homosexual or heterosexual.")

It was fun while it lasted. And hey, don't be sad! We still have 2M4M to entertain us.

Friday, April 17, 2009

I'm not sayin'

I'm just sayin'
From next month's Details interview with Rep. Aaron Schock (R-IL):
He's the only one of his siblings not married with children, and is similarly an outlier among his friends. "I had a group of five or six guys, and we hung out and traveled--ski trips and stuff," he says... "There's no line of young ladies at my door every morning," he says.

The Southern strategy

I have family in Georgia, and I love them dearly. But you know what I can't stand about that place? Aside from the horrible humid weather and that god-awful "sweet tea," a.k.a. type 2 diabetes in a cup? It's this cutesy habit some southerners have of referring to the Civil War as "the War of Northern Aggression." Tee hee!

Wrong, bitch. What happened was, your guys raised an armed insurrection against your government, because you wanted to maintain a slave state. You were wrong, and you lost, so now you need to suck it.

But the genteel folks of the Georgia General Assembly? They ain't having none of that. Take a look at this shit they just passed:
The month of April of each year is hereby designated as Confederate History and Heritage Month and shall be set aside to honor, observe, and celebrate the Confederate States of America, its history, those who served in its armed forces and government, and ... the cause which they held so dear from its founding on February 4, 1861, in Montgomery, Alabama, until the Confederate ship CSS Shenandoah sailed into Liverpool Harbor and surrendered to British authorities on November 6, 1865.

Man, they're in overdrive since that nigra President took office. When will these fucking hillbillies quit it with the candy-ass Gone With the Wind fetishism? Confederates were terrible people who did terrible things.
Oh, and fuck you too, Rick Perry. Texas would be a Third World country if it weren't for Washington. And what's this I hear?

Act fast, ladies!

A catch like this won't stay on the market for long!

I am 35 years old, never been married, I don't have any children, and I am a virgin by choice. I am 5'10, 224 lbs. Brown hair/eyes. People tell me I look like Matt Damon all the time. I work with mentally disabled adults in a home.

I am looking for more than just a girlfriend. I am looking for a partner. A confidant. A wife.

I am seeking a grounded Christian woman who is looking to serve her man and her Lord.

I am not picky or particular about looks or anything but I do have some minor wishlists:

You are not Catholic
You are not Jewish
You are not Mormon
You are not a witch
You are Caucasian or Hispanic, but no more than half Hispanic.
You are height/weight proportionate. Health is very important! I may look overweight but I have lost 15 lbs so far.
You believe the Jesus is our Lord and Savior
You never, ever would vote for somebody like Obama or any other Liberal.
You think a clean house is important.
You believe in serving a man.
Red hair is preferable and nobody taller than me.
Must have job.

Must like lizards.

[Thanks, Luke!]

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Douchebag: The Next Generation

Last night's Hardball featured the inevitable rehash of the unprecedentednationwidegrassroots Tea Party demonstrations. The Heartland Institute's fast-talking John O'Hara was in mid-yammer about the day of faux populist outrage when it hit me:



Tell me I'm wrong.

P.S. - Mike Barnicle is hilarious and really needs his own show
P.P.S. - Heidi Harris is a winning combination of crazy and stupid

Best. Superhero. Ever!

I'm going to break with my usual practice of calling people toilethomos to recognize the Greatest Living American.
So this guy tries to rob a Conoco. But he didn't count on the Caveman!
"Give me all the money you got", the suspect yelled. "Give it to me, open it up, come on" he screamed as [Conoco employee Nick] Dunton opened the cash register. After taking the cash, the suspect tried to run out of the store but was confronted by a customer.
The customer, who Dunton knows as "Don", identified himself as "Caveman". While the robbery was in progress, "Caveman" picked up a step stool and approached the robber. When he got the robbers attention, he slammed the step stool on top of his head.


Does Caveman have a PAC? Because I will contribute money to it.

What a mother

Nadya Suleman wants to trademark her tabloid nickname, Octomom. Ugh:
"In her April 10 USPTO filings, the 33-year-old mother of 14 identifies herself as "Nadya Suleman, AKA Octomom," and notes that she wants to use the "Octomom" handle on products such as dresses, pants, shirts, and disposable and textile diapers. Suleman also wants to secure a trademark to use "Octomom" in connection with TV variety programming."
Rather than risk a lawsuit for unauthorized use of her copyrighted handle, from now on I'll call her Insane Lisping Child-Woman Who Thinks Her Vagina is a Clown Car. My attorneys assure me this is okay.

[Thanks, Rick!]

Dick, weed

Paul Collins Brown III was popped for pot possession in Athens, GA.
I think marijuana should be legalized. And I generally don't pay much attention to SUV-driving preppy douchebags. So why do I care about this story?
Because this dick is the son of Rep. Paul Broun, the ostentatiously pious hypocrite who sought to ban pornography on military bases and recently yowled about Barack Obama's Nazi-Communist private army. Or something.


So yeah, fuck that guy. And his whole family.

(P.S. - I know the pic looks weird. Blogger's uploader is being all fucky today so I had to point to an offsite image.)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Aw, shaddap, you old bag

Dust-queefing heifer Phyllis Schlafly has been talking her bony ass off about gay marriage lately:
"If judges overrule Congress and the majority of the American people by striking down [the Defense of Marriage Act], it would be the same type of judicial supremacy that occurred 152 years ago in the famous Dred Scott case."
Um, WTF did you just say, Wrinkles? It sounded like you were equating fair and equal treatment under the law for gay people with the buying and selling of human beings. DOMA was a fried turd of family-values grandstanding, promoted by shitsack social conservatives when they had a veto-proof legislative majority. Bob Barr has since apologized for his sponsorship of the bill. Bob. Fucking. Barr.

But Phyllis says you can talk to her palsied, liver-spotted hand: "Americans must preserve DOMA at any cost."

And then it was time for the maid to wipe Phyllis' ass.

That buddy icon isn't fooling anybody

I can spot Mike Huckabee on Yahoo Answers any day of the week!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Let us LOL

Partial credit to the Roman Catholic Church of Brooklyn, Queens and Long Island for this game attempt at relevance. But of all the TV pitchmen they could have parodied, maybe the guy who just beat up a whore wasn't the best choice.
Although if they do a follow-up video with "Father Vic" all tore up like this, I might just once again embrace Holy Mother Church. Come on! How funny would that be?

[Thanks, Abbie!]

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Whining and dining

Terry Nichols doesn't like the food where he lives. Federal Supermax prisons don't rate very well on Zagat's, I guess.

“The forced consumption of numerous refined foods daily is abhorrent to Mr. Nichols’ sincerely held religious beliefs, for it forces him to sin against God in that it (refined foods) destroys His holy temple (i.e. my body),” wrote Nichols, 54, in the handwritten lawsuit filed last month in U.S. District Court in Denver.

Of course, Nichols' sincerely held religious beliefs didn't stop him from helping Timothy McVeigh murder 168 people in the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing.

In addition to $4.5 million in damages, Nichols demands 100% whole wheat breads, cereals and pastas, more raw vegetables (with peels intact), a variety of fresh fruits, no deep-fried foods, and brown or wild rice instead of white rice.

I'm against the death penalty. That said, I don't care what happens to this piece of shit. If he doesn't like the food in solitary, maybe he can transfer to the general prison population and live on a steady diet of ass rape.

This will surprise exactly nobody


Republicans are into spanking:
Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-Mich.)... last week introduced a bill in the House to amend the U.S. Constitution to permanently “enshrine” in American society an inviolable set of parents’ rights. The bill had 70 co-sponsors, all Republicans, including Minority Whip Eric Cantor and Minority Leader John A. Boehner (pictured).
The bill is in response to a U.N. Convention on the Rights of the Child, which Bill Clinton signed in 1995 but which has never been ratified. Conservative Christian groups like the Home School Legal Defense Association, naturally, ain't having any. If that compact is ratified, HSLDA founder Michael Farris worries, "parents would no longer be able to administer reasonable spankings to their children."

So, the party of small government wants to mark up the Constitution so they can beat their kids.

[h/t: 43 IPM]

Friday, April 10, 2009

Congratulations, Tam Paton! You're Going to Hell on a Partial Scholarship!


I'm sure you are, no doubt, as devastated as I am by the death of Tam Paton this week, who was the manager of the Bay City Rollers. And you know what? Being responsible for unleashing the Bay City Rollers on the world is enough to warrant a spell in Hell. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

AYE, IT BURNS, I TELL YE!!

"Moooooooooo!"


"Same-sex marriage is quite different from bans on interracial marriage in one powerful respect: It asks religious Americans to surrender a core belief — not only Leviticus (disapproval of gay sexual acts), but Genesis (the idea that God himself made man as male and female and commanded men and women to come together in a special way to image the fruitfulness of God)."  -- Maggie Gallagher

OMG! Y hast thou frskn meh?

The Huffington Post reports...

In a marriage of Christian tradition and digital technology, Wall Street's Trinity Church is using the micro-blogging service Twitter to perform the story of Jesus Christ.

The main characters will tweet the Passion play for three hours beginning at noon on Good Friday. The feed also can be delivered to mobile devices or e-mail addresses.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Jesus kicks ass!

Patrick Boivin, who recently laid down the hard truth about Bruce Lee, is back. This time the target of his stop-motion satire is Pope Benzo the Condom Hater:

Happy Good Friday!

[Mitre-tip: Huffington Post]

Wake up, Maggie

Looks like the rest of the world is getting hip to what you and I (okay, and Jeremy) have known for a while now: Maggie Gallagher is a truth-twisting fat harridan. The SF Examiner calls her hilarious, the good ladies of Lez Get Real find her childish, and Joe Solmonese of the Human Rights Campaign ripped her an extra asshole on Hardball last night.

And you can thank the colossal nerds at Queerty for this Magic: The Gathering-inspired portrait:

All politics aside, I'm disappointed. A fat chick named Maggie Gallagher is supposed to be a million laughs, you know? The kind of girl who could drink you under the table and might blow you just for the hell of it. Instead, she turns out to be this wheezing, scowling hall monitor determined to shit on other people's lives. You suck, Maggie.

Feeling "not so fresh?"

Then you're in luck, because I just found a colossal douchebag!


[Thanks, Steve!]

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Hate is nothing 'til you give it away

(From time to time, we invite guest haters to share their ill will. Our latest, the pseudonymous Herr Mißbilligung

, is a working journalist with clips in both online and national print publications. And he finds he can no longer contain his bile.)



Movie fans are pretty familiar with the website C.H.U.D. (which I believe stands for, "Cinematic Happenings Begrudgingly Slapped Down in Front of You in the Most Smug and Condescending Manner Possible"). Every now and again, the bearded trolls who run the site take time away from pressing a glass to Hugh Jackman’s trailer and sweating bacon to actually write editorials on why they rule and everyone else can, apparently, suck one.


Most recently, one of them took on the issue of “Makers of Fan Films” (Finally! These guys have gotten away with this for too long! Thank god this recession has us all re-evaluating our priorities.) They single out a guy named Sandy Collora, who made a slight internet name for himself by making pretty impressive Batman, Superman, and Predator tribute films. If you’re into those kinds of things, they were an OK bit of harmless fun. If not, you probably never heard of him and don’t care. Which is also OK.


C.H.U.D’s argu-rant is that Collora is a moron. A hack. A fool who is wasting his life making films based on other people’s material. And now this brainless fucktard has the AUDACITY to make a low budget feature-length film that kind of, sort-of resembles other people’s material. What an IDIOT! I quote:

Sandy Collora is not [brilliant]. He's made a "feature" and I am blown away by how gently the online world is treating the trailer and what it represents. It may be feature length but it's still idol worship and lowest common denominator filmmaking. Uwe Boll, despite his nightmarish execution, at least has the good sense to creatively fuck his audience with concussively diverse bad filmmaking. I think people who make really polished fan films are infinitely worse than folks like Boll. They take actual skill and waste it on the dumbest shit imaginable. That someone would eschew an original, fresh idea for something with existing comic book characters and film franchise characters is like a "fuck you" to the writers out there with real ideas that simply need to be paired with a new filmmaker with the ability to execute those ideas…

…Lately I've begun to notice that with the increased toolboxes available to amateur filmmakers and film school students, the product looks better and better while the ideas behind them stay deeply embedded in a world with a wisp-thin creative vision. If the goal is to create viral videos, then mission accomplished. If the goal is to actually become a filmmaker and not a ROM emulator of older ones, then it's time to return your Final Cut Pro and Photoshop programs to the store, filmmakers. You should be running the A/V section of Verizon's team building department, not gallavanting conventions as the flavor of the millisecond.

This from a site that gives frequent and lusty blowjobs to Watchmen “director” Zach Snyder. C.H.U.D. unironically calls Snyder a “visionary” despite a resume that consists of THREE FUCKING MOVIES, ALL BASED ON OTHER PEOPLE’S MATERIAL: A Dawn of the Dead remake (this time, the zombies run fast! Um….just like in 28 Days Later), an entirely green-screen photocopy of Frank Miller’s 300 (every panel, painstakingly preserved), and a multi-million dollar pageant based on Watchmen (“Hey, guys? Don’t so much ‘act’ as ‘pose.’ Just like….well, just like here in this panel.”)

But don’t bother pointing that out to C.H.U.D. They’re in the right, you see, because isn’t it better to sit back and shit on people’s work rather than try and do something yourself?

Is it any wonder film “journalism” is dead?

You stay classy, Rupert!

The Fox network, owned by the blood-drinking Rupert Murdoch (pictured), has a new reality show on the boil:
An upcoming series titled, "Someone's Gotta Go," lets employees of a small business decide which one of their colleagues will be laid off.

I dunno. Maybe you have to be a billionaire, with knotted string for a dick and a pile of crusty coke boogers where your soul is supposed to be, in order to appreciate this. But to most people, in this economic climate, layoffs are about as entertaining as AIDS.

Oh, wait - did I just spoil the surprise twist in some new Fox dating series?

Get out of my country, you filthy immigrant.

[Thanks, Alex!]

What's in a NOM?

Nobody expected the recent Vermont and Iowa marriage equality news to go down well among snake handlers. They're in howler-monkey overdrive with batshit predictions of gay fascism and the wrath of a pissed-off Sky Daddy.

The National Organization for Marriage rolled out a new media campaign in response to the news. Its centerpiece is a plodding, melodramatic clip rehashing the same stupid lies that opponents of same-sex marriage have been peddling for years: The government will ban religion and fuck you in the ass. Or something.

So why am I smiling?



Because the National Organization for Marriage is also known as NOM. As in NOM NOM NOM. And the president of NOM is a giant eat-beast! HA HA HA HA! I bet the big butterwhale took the job thinking it was something else.

You suck, Fatty!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The results are in!

The results of our first-ever poll have been tabulated, and by an overwhelming majority, Sean Hannity can eat a bag of dicks. 
Thank you for voting! This information will be forwarded to Mr. Hannity's office. 

Who should do what next? Leave your poll suggestions in the comments space.

WaPo Peeps show toilethomo!

The Washington Post's Sunday Source challenged its readers to craft dioramas featuring the annual harvest of marshmallow Peeps. Among the honorees was everybody's favorite foot-tapping, wide-stancey former senator from the great state of Idaho, Larry Craig.

[Hat-tip: Liberadio, via Paul Kohler]

This might break your heart

There's no easy way to put this. You'd better sit down.
Deep breath... Nicolas Cage has been forced by "the difficult economic situation" to sell his castle in Germany.
So the next time you feel like complaining about your job search, or how far away the nearest Coinstar machine is, or that you can't sell plasma more than once a week, just remember this tragic story.
Oh wait... turns out he has another castle in England. I guess he'll muddle through somehow. Keep him in your prayers.
And finally, here's a clip of this walking encyclopedia of bullshit affectations, selling pachinko machines in Japan. It is actually his best work in years.
P.S. To all of you people who think you do a great Nicolas Cage imitation - especially if you work in my office: You don't. So quit it.

Bill O'Reilly gives truculent Irish Catholic drunks a bad name

Here, he worries that rumors of teh ghey could prove "embarrassing" for an American Idol contestant.

I don't watch American Idol very often, but isn't being gay, like, a requirement on that show?
[Thank you Mr. Towle!]

Monday, April 6, 2009

Stick to the script, pal!

Aware of my professional interest in toilethomos, my buddy Alex informs me of one Juan Ovalle, a Spanish-language narrator for Focus on the Family, and his recent kerfuffle with the law. 
It would seem that Mr. Ovalle, who can be heard here inveighing en espanol against unlawful fornication, was apprehended at a rendezvous with what he thought was a 15-year-old girl but who, with a predictability that makes you wonder just how bright the average pervert is, turned out to be an undercover police officer.
"It doesn't involve a toilet," Alex says, "and he's not that high profile. But it makes me happy anyway."
Hey, wait a second... Since when did fundamentalist Christians begin cruising on the DL for opposite-sex obscure objects of desire? Juan is going maverick! 

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Sarah Palin and her family are so classy, they're like American royalty!

Todd Palin’s half-sister was arrested Thursday after police say she broke into a Wasilla home for the second time this week to steal money.
Palin is the husband of Gov. Sarah Palin. He declined comment.
Diana Palin, 35, entered a home near Wasilla’s Multi-Use Sports Complex and attempted to steal cash from the owner’s bedroom, police said.
She also broke into the same house on Tuesday and stole $400, they said.

I might actually have to volunteer for this broad's 2012 campaign.

Hey Mr. Manners! Are there any fine protocol points to address when a sitting governor's relatives turn out to be a bunch of crazy, drunk trailer bats? 

Saturday, April 4, 2009

"Confessions to murder, gay acts, a map to Curly's gold... "

My buddy Ed writes: "This guy subscribed to the Funhouse vids, and he's quite a handsome gent. He's got an offer: he'll put up sixteen hours he shot of himself on drugs, rambling, and you can edit it and make your own funny videos! I'm sure he'll have thousands of takers."
Ed's sarcasm is difficult to detect in an email, so I should let you know he's somewhat dubious about the success of this venture. I'm more optimistic. Readers?

Manners from Mars

So Barack Obama bowed to the tiny little king of Saudi Arabia, and conservative bloggers are acting like he sucked the guy's cock or something. Drew McKissick's voluminous panties are particularly bunchy:
As I understand it, American Presidents (and/or Americans) are not supposed to "bow" to other foreign leaders. But this is the same guy who's* protocol officer seems to be out-to-lunch when it comes to deciding what kind of gifts to give to other leaders such as Gordon Brown or Queen Elizabeth...or didn't know that it's bad form to touch the Queen unless she initiates contact.

What a bunch of amatuers.

Oh, a thousand pardons, Your Fancyness! How munificent to offer your rarefied insights into matters of protocol! Do we enjoy our ice cream-bacon-butter smoothies with our pinky up? Oh, I just know we do!

*Friendly aside: The word you want to use in this case is whose, not who's. And it's amateurs, not amatuers. You suck, fatty.