Whores 'n' stuff

[Editor's note: Herr Mißbilligung has been very patient. But he finds that he can no longer contain his feelings toward the fanboy wankblog known as CHUD. The floor is yours, Mein Herr.]


I fully understand that I am the only one who cares about this kind of stuff. I’m also aware that hating CHUD means paying attention to CHUD, which is a waste of time – but if you like movies I think you’ll agree that this level of full-of-shitness is too much.

CHUD looooooves (loufs, even lourves) to beat up on “quote whores.” They rail against Peter “Hands Down, the Blankest Blank of the Year” Travers and Pete “I Don’t Even Have to See This Movie to Know I Love It” Hammond and probably a few more Petes we’ve never heard of.

But lo and behold… there, in a huge full-page ad in the New York Times, there’s:
“Finally! The Terminator Film You’ve Been Waiting For!” – Devin Faraci, CHUD.com

Ignore the idiocy of the quote itself (waiting for since when? Since James Cameron horribly botched such a cool idea? Thank god McG is here to finally do it justice, huh?) and even the inherent hypocrisy of quote whore haters quote whoring.

Instead, check out what Faraci posted just days after wiping the WB off his chin:

EXCLUSIVE! WHAT WENT WRONG WITH TERMINATOR SALVATION?
Here, Mr. Faraci dissects the original Terminator Salvation script and how it changed drastically from page to screen. It’s long, it’s tedious, and it will bore most of the casual readers. But what’s fascinating is that after 4,000 words of self-indulgence, Faraci drops things like:

“The finished film opted to play utterly safe, and as a result it's a lump without buzz or excitement.”

But…wait? I thought this was the Terminator movie we’ve all been waiting for? Have we, in fact, been waiting for a movie without buzz or excitement? We’ve all wanted a lump all this time? Funny, that doesn’t sound like us.

“…it's likely that Terminator Salvation is the end of the franchise.”

But…wha? How can the movie we’ve been waiting for OUR WHOLE LIVES just come and go like that?

Oh, I geddit. As much as you hated Terminator Salvation, you really love that TS T-shirt and bobblehead that Warner Bros sent you and you want that gravy train to keep going. So you tell them what they want to hear, make sure not to get any in your eyes, then turn around and act like, “Man, what a chump! I may have swallowed, but they put out a crappy movie! HAW! Joke's on them!”

Of course, if you corner Faraci he’ll tell you that his quote was “taken out of context”– the quote whore’s first line of defense – and that he meant to say something typically CHUD-descending like “The Terminator movie you’ve been waiting for, because you’re a moron.” But this is also bullshit because these quotes aren’t picked out of the blue. If the writer doesn’t submit them to the studio himself, the studio will at least contact the writer and be like, “Is it OK if we use this?” So, again: Full Of shit.

Sigh.

Big Hollywood is screwing with my head

I am not high, but I could swear that Big Hollywood's John Nolte just called Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo a "truly great" comedy. 

Issue Two: Why am I not high?

I am a greedy fat fuck

So if I can skip lunch, then you have absolutely no excuse. This guy Tim wants you to skip a meal on Monday, June 1st, and donate the money you would have spent. He has identified a couple dozen organizations around the US and the world, or you can choose one of your own.

If you're hip to this micro-blogging sensation that's going to revolutionize the way we communicate, or whatever, post this message:

#twitterforfood Skip a meal June 1st and donate the savings to world hunger. http://tr.im/m1Pq

Oh, and you can follow me, if you want. Or don't. Whatever. I'm above all this vulgar self-promotion.

(Not really. Please don't let me die following more people than follow me!)

Judgment gay

I really need to get over my big-city snobbery. When you grow up in New York, you develop this cocky assumption that cities have the most and the best of everything, from dining and shopping to museums, music and theater.

And cities are great. I love New York as well as my adopted home of Los Angeles. But I'm beginning to think that these hot-shot metropolises have been caught napping when it comes to religious wackadoos. Sure, L.A. has the Scientology Center and New York has St. Patrick's Cathedral. But they serve populations that number in the tens of millions. Wasilla, Alaska, by contrast, has at least one batshit nutzo religious organization per 4,000 citizens.

We all learned about Sarah Palin's crazy Assembly of God thanks to YouTube and Pastor Muthee. But this sleepy hamlet - well, check that, maybe not so sleepy - is also home to the Independent Baptist Church of Wasilla. And their pastor, Ron Hamman, is ready for the Big Questions, like, Will the Antichrist be a Homosexual?

"In answering this question," Hamman warns, "it is important to assert the question does not originate with me, lest someone out there think that I am bringing some new doctrine out to bolster the political climate." Okay, I have to say something: That kind of passive-aggressive dodge is a pet peeve. Sac up and say it, Ronnie! The devil wears Prada!

But no. He shirks his Christian duty to bear witness:

Could it be that this will be the predominate sin on earth when Christ descends from the clouds to fight against the armies of wickedness? And will it be just a coincidence that the Antichrist will be the very first occupant of the lake of fire, tasting eternal death 1,000 years before even the devil himself?

You be the judge.

*cough cough* PUSSY *cough cough*

Eh, the Chinese food in small towns usually sucks anyway.

[I stole the gay devil illo from this excellent site. Thanks, folks!]

See you in the funny pages!

Two of my favoritest things in the world - comic books and dangerously unhinged idiots - combine at last in False Witness! The Michelle Bachmann Story.



"This is that one that TELLS IT ALL," the publishers promise. "It leaves NOTHING TO THE IMAGINATION! It's all there, the global conspiracy to end American freedom, the apocalyptic last days of human kind, the lesbians in the bathroom, the threats, the vengeance, the Bush-kissing, the sordid lies, Satan, Jesus Christ, the flying imams--"

The only way this day could get any better is if a monkey butler brought me a pizza right now.

Drowning Pool

You may not know this, but your stepmom and your trashy cousin Becky (c'mon, everybody's got one) totally went on a cruise and brought back a souvenir:

Soda Jerk

HEY GUYS! Have you heard? Our #1 (Orange) Crush, Joe Barton, just blew the lid off the elementary-school-science-project racket:

“I would also point out that CO2, carbon dioxide, is not a pollutant in any normal definition of the term. … I am creating it as I talk to you. It’s in your Coca-Cola, you’re Dr. Pepper, your Perrier water. It is necessary for human life. It is odorless, colorless, tasteless, does not cause cancer, does not cause asthma.”

LOL WUT. Like we're supposed to believe that Joe Barton drinks Perrier water. Anyway, he's also been whining today about compact cars and about how people keep bothering him in his hot tub*, or whatevs.

(*Methane-powered finger-activated jacuzzi attachment sold separately.)

Time to open a new can of STFU?

Some people resist parody, because they get to the punch line before anybody else. William Shatner comes to mind. But in Shatner's case, you can be pretty confident he's in on the joke. In the case of Wall Street Journal readers, not so much.

Some of that once-respectable organ's readers have actually formed a group to protest the paper's coverage of Barack Obama. The President. Whose actions necessarily affect America's financial life, which ostensibly is the WSJ's beat. "I don't have to accept as president [sic] and I sure don't want to see the marxist's face on this Web site," bleats reader Kevin Loudon, who is sadly among the more literate of the group's members.

Oy, as I have recently been moved to say before, vey. I have seen some WATBs in my day, but this is off the meter.

[h/t: Crooks and Liars]

Let them eat shame

Remember back in March, when the First Lady dropped in on a DC soup kitchen and that bucktoothed idiot Michelle Malkin jumped up and down because some homeless guy had a cell phone? Well, now some other asshole is milking the story.

The National Review Online's Julie Gunlock bitches about "trendy food snobbery" in soup kitchens: Instead of fatty, sugary donuts, some charities prefer to serve mushroom risotto, pumpkin soup, or garlic-and-turnip mashed potatoes. "No wonder these places need a bailout," she huffs.

Risotto, fancy Italian name aside, is just rice. Rice that's been stirred in stock, so it's nice and creamy. Last time I bought rice, it was pretty cheap. Potatoes, turnips, garlic? You could score a month's worth with what you find in the couch cushions.

"I suspect what warms the hearts of the people waiting in line is less the quality of the risotto and more the promise of a decent meal served by friendly people who want to help them get back on their feet," Gunlock closes. Exactly! A decent meal. Not a fucking donut. "Turning Miriam’s Kitchen into a place to get a $30 meal for free misses the mark."

No, lady, you missed the point.

Crap. Now I want mushroom risotto.

Clueless: The Next Generation

No, seriously - these people want to draft Jeb Bush to run for governor of Florida next year. 

As they say in Florida, "Oy vey." 

Well, that's what they say in the only part of Florida I've ever visited. 

Re: re-re

I've been trying to find a sensible argument against civil marriage equality for same-sex couples. Most of the opposition you see out there is rooted in theology and church dogma. Which doesn't really make sense under the Constitution, despite what silly old men in capes would have you believe.

Other people have an emotional reaction - gay marriage just makes them feel all icky. Again, this would seem to fall under the heading of "tough shit," no matter what lonely, whining fat chicks will tell you. But rational, fact-based arguments? Nada.

Dipshit to the rescue!

Republicans can reach a broader base by recasting gay marriage as an issue that could dent pocketbooks as small businesses spend more on health care and other benefits, GOP Chairman Michael Steele said Saturday.

No, seriously! He really said that!

"Now all of a sudden I've got someone who wasn't a spouse before, that I had no responsibility for, who is now getting claimed as a spouse that I now have financial responsibility for," Steele told Republicans at the state convention in traditionally conservative Georgia. "So how do I pay for that? Who pays for that? You just cost me money."

People say Republicans lack compassion. Oh, really? I don't see the Democrats giving jobs to retards.

Alan Keyes, You So Crazy!

This is a lazy, stupid post

And I apologize. But my buddy Pete told me about these members of the South Carolina House of Representatives, and their names are making me giggle:

R. Kelly
Mac Toole
Gilda Cobb-Hunter

And there's a Hugh (Jazz?) Leatherman in the SC state senate.

I'm an idiot.

WWJD for a living?

You'd think with his connections, Jesus could just walk into any job he wanted. But former presidential candidate Gary Bauer says he'd probably have to recuse himself from certain occupations:

"There are a lot of things Jesus wouldn't do because he's the son of God," he said. "I can't imagine Jesus being a Marine or a policeman or a bank president, for that matter."

How about lifeguard? Walking on water would really come in handy. Or caterer? He can whip up that loafy-fishy thing that everybody loves. Plus wine!

FROM THE ASHES TEASER TRAILER

Even though I'm a sometime contributor to YAH, I was reticent to pimp my own product here, but John invited me to do so, so please don't hate me (though this would be the right place to do it) for accepting his gracious offer.



The first issue of FROM THE ASHES drops this Wednesday at comic shops everywhere. If you don't want to sully your finery with the nerd germs (perfectly understandable) you can order the comic here or even take a gamble and subscribe to the whole danged thing!

Broadcast TV Is a Dying Business Model? YOU DON'T SAY!

Jesus H. Christ, I cannot fucking stand Neda Ulaby of NPR. Not only does she file stories that are obviously ghost written by Captain Obvious, she reports them in a cloyingly smug vocal cadence and timbre that makes me want to buy my homeboy Carl Kassel a truckload of Fixodent so that he can glue his dentures in tight for once and at least read Neda's dumb-ass babble for her instead.

Neda's latest oeuvre basically is about how, GET THIS, people aren't watching as much broadcast television as they used to, and how, like NO WAY!, more people seem to be watching cable/satellite channels or WTF!! shit on the Internetz. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Here's some pr0n for you, Mr. O'Reilly!

Pugnacious, pickled papist Bill O'Reilly likes to gabble that civil marriage equality for gay and lesbian couples will lead to a menagerific sexplosion of interspecies nuptials. He seems particularly fond of man-on-turtle action. He's totally going to think I'm hitting on him (he should be so lucky), but what the hell... Enjoy, Bill!

Dimples had a sad at the prom

She got all gussied up in her biiiiiiiiig new party dress, but Kathryn Jean Lopez hatedhatedhated the White House Correspondents' Dinner. "Donatella Versace was way more at home than I was," she snuffled. See, Donatella didn't have to butter her hips to get through the door. Skinny bitch.

And yeah, okay, Wanda Sykes did a bad set. But so bad it made you miss Dick Cheney? No, cereal:

The last time I was at the Naval Observatory was in December, at the then vice president’s Christmas party. Toward the back of the room was a screen displaying photos. There was humor in them — Dick Cheney wearing a Darth Vader mask — but they also documented what was overwhelmingly present in the eight years of the Bush presidency: We are at war. We are in a war not of our choosing. And the responsibility to protect and defend America weighed heavily on our elected leaders each day.

"We are in a war not of our choosing?" Is she freebasing cheesecake or something?

In the name of Sara Lee, woman. Get a hold of yourself!

PRESIDENTIAL GAYNESS ALERT!!!!

So you know how President Obama is gay because he likes Dijon mustard? Well, you'll never guess who else is a fan of fruity un-American condiments!

YES! Dum-Dum and Queen Xanax shared their deviled (??? SATAN???) eggs recipe with the White House web site back in the day: 

President and Laura Bush's Deviled Eggs Recipe
12 large eggs, boiled hard and peeled
1 Tbsp (plus) soft butter
1 Tbsp (plus) mayonnaise
1 Tbsp Dijon mustard
1/2 tsp Yucatan Sunshine Habanero sauce
Salt to taste
Cut eggs in half and set aside. Put egg yolks in food processor and add all ingredients. Process for 20 seconds or until mixture has blended. Check for taste and increase mustard, salt or Habanero sauce if desired. Place mixture in piping bag with star tip and pipe into egg halves. Sprinkle with paprika and chopped parsley. Chill for about an hour before serving.

I hate to say it, but that actually sounds really good. O NOES! TEH GHEY! IZ CUNTAJUS!

[h/t: John Amato]

Breaking toilethomo news!

Like any journalist on the toilethomo beat, I've been looking forward to the new documentary Outrage. Not just for the I-told-you-so quotient: The filmmakers have promised to add a new name to the rolls. 

So this is big news around here: Raw Story says that the mystery closet knob-gobbler is Republican Florida governor Charlie Crist. 

Fine, whatever, big deal. What you do in private is your own bidness. Except when you: 

• a) are married, and 
  
• b) ran for office on a platform that opposed civil marriage equality for gay couples.
  

So much for that rumored Senate run. Sorry, Charlie! 

[h/t: C&L Video Cafe]

Choads Gallery

If Sean Hannity's Freedom Concert tour last fall was Douchestock, then the Values Voter Summit is Doucheapalooza. It'll be short-bus gridlock around DC's Omni Shoreham hotel September 18-20, when this gaggle of truth-twisting eedjit all-stars rolls in. 

I'd love to go, but my insurance doesn't cover treatment for injuries sustained in a frenzy of taint-kicking. 

And when the hell was that picture of Rush Limbaugh taken? Like 600 pounds ago? That bloated gobble-monster sweats enough lard in an hour to supply every lip-plumping dermatologist in Beverly Hills. 

Like a Trekkie, but crazy and mean

Ever hang out with Trekkies? I love those people so much. No, seriously - hit a Star Trek fan convention and you'll find a huge crowd of people who are just so happy to hang out with each other. It's really very sweet. 

Trekkies have this adorably nerdy habit of organizing their local fan clubs into "ships," with officers earning various ranks. They even dress up in Starfleet uniforms for club meetings! It's so cute.

I bring this up because "Captain" James Ambrose (above) bought a real soldier-man uniform and made himself commander of the new Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia. He's got the lingo down pat: Check out this description of the club's - sorry, militia's - monthly weekend meetups:

The training will cover movement and infiltration, land navigation, responding to an NBC (nuclear, biological, chemical) attack, wilderness survival, emergency first aid, anti-terrorism, ambush response, Geneva rules of combat, and a host of other skills and topics. We will train all year long in all sorts of climate at various locations all across Idaho.

You know what? That sounds kinda fun! Fresh air, lots of exercise, maybe a little good-natured fantasy-camp wish fulfillment... But what's this? 

As a devout Catholic, I rejoice openly in the redeeming power of Christ... Muslims, atheists, Wiccans etc need not apply. The Militia has always maintained a common faith in God (not allah or anyone else).

Oh, and it looks like they have fitness standards. Fuck it.  

OMG It's Almost Time For Eurovision!

I love Eurovision. No, seriously. It's so hilariously awful, even the garbage that wins, I can't help but crack a smile and get all jealous that the United States doesn't have something similar.

Anyway, here are some of the 20+ pieces of shit entered this year. Most of them are so fucking atrocious, they need no additional commentary, such as:

Belarus


and Armenia


and Ukraine

You know, if I were Russia, that right there would be enough for me to justify shutting off the natural gas pipeline to Ukraine and the rest of Europe.

But anyway, western Europe is just as bad. For instance, the ghost of Phil Lynott needs to haunt these ladies fer de rest o' derr loives, loike:


And as with all their disposable goods, the Swedes put a lot of precise craftsmanship into their sonic refuse:


In case you're still reading by this point and you haven't yet bled to death from your eardrums, this what everyone thinks is going to win this year:

No, seriously. This is a real web site.

McDonald's is affirming its commitment to the African-American community with the help of Mr. Keith Sweat and a web site called 365black.com.

Three. Sixty-five. Black. Dot com. 

Click around! There's some amazingly lulzy crap about the baobab tree, in addition to the McNuggets sell copy.

UPDATE: A friend informs us of a sister site, My Inspirasian. Mickey D's is a grill up into which the good ladies of Disgrasian should get, methinks.

Torture gives Christians a boner

A new survey by the Pew Research Center finds that 62% of white evangelical Christians are in favor of torture.

Texas Jr. Has Something to Say, You Guys!!

LOL, oh, Georgia! While most of the time you could think of Georgia as a Virginia with additional brain damage, of late Georgia has been styling itself as a Texas Junior, such as with regard secession:

"When asked if Georgia would be better off as an independent nation or as part of the United States, 43 percent of Republicans in the state selected independent nation, according to a poll published Friday.

A majority of Georgia Republicans — 52 percent — sided with the United States in a Research 2000 poll commissioned by DailyKos."

Awwww, that's sweet. Here's the deal, though: should Georgia ever decide to secede, I would sincerely advocate that they install a monarchy headed by Paula Deen, because that would be kinda awesome.

Happy First of May!

Ring in the season with Jonathan Coulton, the troubadour of our age.

(Oh, uh, NSFW, I guess)