It's okay, the black guy said it

[Editor's note: From time to time, we invite guest haters to share their hurtful vituperation. Please welcome, for the first of what we hope will be many visits, William O'Neal.]

David Klinghoffer has a Beliefnet blog called Kingdom of Priests. Which sounds like the name of some shitpussy Korean MMORPG, but whatever. This dolt, who should have been tossed off the Achille Lauro with his crippled grandfather, recently published an email from his “brilliantly insightful” pen pal, Joshua Berman.

Berman contends that objection to gay marriage is not simply emotional - “teh ghey makes me feel icky” - or theological – “that mean old fuck who lives in the sky is not gonna like this! And put that fucking beanie back on!” No. Gay marriage has tangible, real-world consequences. It hurts… women.

"Men, we learn from ancient Rome, will enjoy sex with other men, if there is no social censure,” Berman begins. Wait… he’s citing ancient Roman texts, and he’s not a homo? Amazing. “Now, all of this should be fine for us as well -- after all, we should let free choice and tolerance reign.”

Berman then goes on in some leering detail about a “perfumed bridegroom” and “smooth-skinned boys” – Jesus, Dave! Pull your skirt down! – and concludes that we can’t permit gay marriage because, when it comes to fucking and satisfying men, women can’t compete.

Clarification, dipshit: Women can't compete with men who want to fuck other men. In all of my 39 years I've never once wanted to fuck a dude. In fact, I've gone through Hell and back in my relentless pursuit to put my penis inside of vaginas. Not once have I wanted to put my penis inside a dude's asshole; wanted another dude to put his penis inside my asshole; wanted to suck another dude's dick; or wanted to have another dude suck my dick. Instead I endured 10 years or marriage, countless crazies, spent more money than I care to think about, and continue to pay damn near $2K a month in child support all because of one undeniable fact: I like to fuck women.

So asshole, just because you want to fuck dudes doesn't mean the rest of us do. How about this? Come out of the closet, find the biggest, most muscle-bound top daddy in town and have him rail you out like there's no tomorrow. Maybe if you're nice he'll give you a reach around while he blasts away at your balloon knot and you'll be too happy being "pleased" to write stupid shit that does no one any good. You silly cunt.

BREAKING! MUST CREDIT DRUDGE!

A "developing story" on Quasimodo's "news" site:

"As the summer begins, White House watchers have spotted a new look by President Obama: The Evil Eye!

Staffers have joked about the menacing glance, which comes when the president meets with world leaders who are not aligned with his progressive view."

Readers should also be alert for the "Drudge Grimace." This pitiable look crosses the blogger's unfortunate face when he is straining at stool. Or writing.

Evildoers beware!

Inspector Ahmedinejad is on the case:

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Monday called the death of Neda Agha-Soltan "suspicious" and urged the country's authorities to identify those responsible for it, Iran's semi-official Fars news agency reported Monday.

What They Play When "On Hold" in Hell

I'm not gonna lie, I listen to-- but more specifically tolerate-- a lot of garbage. This instance, however, is an exception to such magnanimity:

So, no Ark. But there's a perfectly good explanation. Or something.

Remember the other day when the patriarch of the Ethiopian Orthodox Church promised to reveal the Ark of the Covenant? Yeah, well, about that...

Patriarch Abuna Pauolos, seen here working the omelet station at a Golden Corral, had said that the artifact could be available

for public viewing in a planned museum. But not right now.

Now, I know what you're thinking; that Abuna doesn't even have the Ark, and he just made this whole thing up to impress a chick. But hold on! "Biblical investigator" Bob Cornuke has a "bread crumb trail" that follows the Ark from Jerusalem, to Egypt, to Ethiopia. And he met a 105-year-old guy who saw the Ark, and, "it frightened him to death when he got a glimpse of it." Figuratively, one would assume.

But Grant Jeffrey is calling bee ess. The host of TBN's Bible Prophecy Revealed says that Israeli commandos "from the tribe of Levi" slipped in during the Ethiopian civil war and spirited the Ark back to the Holy Land.

Still with me? Okay. Here's where it gets weird, and where one guy says that stuff in the Bible might not be true! See, Jeffrey says a guy

who used to work for Haile Selassie (I and I, mon! Rasta!) told him that King Solomon's son Menelik took the Ark to Ethiopia like 3,000 years ago because Pappy was "slipping into apostasy."

Chuck Missler, a Bible teacher, says that the Ethiopians "cling to a belief that is clearly not biblical in terms of how the Ark got down there. But that doesn't mean they don't have it." Oh, man... don't let John Hagee hear you talk like that, ya filthy sinner.

Still not convinced? Check this shit out: "The quest for the artifact received additional publicity in 1981 when actor Harrison Ford searched for it in Steven Spielberg's Raiders of the Lost Ark."

So, in summation: World Net Daily is hilarious. Except for this ad they're currently running. What the hell??

I worked through my grief with this memorial collage

"[Michael Jackson's] talent was unquestionable but so too was his discomfort with the norms of the world." - former publicist Michael Levine

Uh... ?

I don't know about God, but that sign definitely makes the baby Jesus cry.

I'll make this quick

Because it won't be long before we're all destroyed. Or something. World Net Daily reports that Ethiopian Orthodox Church patriarch Abuna Pauolos will unveil the Ark of the Covenant today.

Nice knowin' ya!

Twitter just got exponentially awesomer

Now you can follow Ashton Kutcher and the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea!

So, Sarah Palin yelled at the internet for "desecrating" a pic of her and her (grand?)son

Which is, of course, the last thing you should do if you want the internet to leave you alone.

That's Enough, Hipsters

[hey there, laist.com!]

E.T.A.!

Michael Jackson was many troubled things. Although he may have been indirectly responsible for their post-Andy Williams Show existence, one thing he was not was an Osmond:



And he sure as hell wasn't a Defranco:



So hooray! Those are the two things of which Michael Jackson was not guilty!

Oh, shut up! Ctd.

Tubby horrible irritant Perez Hilton is shitting pickles that entertainment news isn't about him today. So he fired off this desperately self-important Tweet:

"This may sound weird but it comes from an honest place. I thank God that Britney is still with us!!! It was very scary with her for a while."

Shut. Your fucking. Mouth.

I'm sorry, readers. I promise I won't post anything about this narcissistic tallow-mountain ever again.

Taint misbehavin'

It's comforting to know that My Real Politik is every bit as immature as the rest of us:

Burns and Allen ain't got nothin' on these two

Ladies and gentlemen, the National Review Online Rubber Chicken Comedy Revue is proud to present the comic stylings of Golberg and Lopez!

Jonah's up first, cutting and pasting this howl-arious entry: It's not a tall tax if you extend it to short people too! Wokka wokka wokka!

But wait! Here's Dimples, the Papist Mirthquake, on Bill Bennett's reasons why disgraced South Carolina governor Mark Sanford has to go: He quoted Chuck Colson on integrity. Hot-cha!

How does she do it, folks? Decades after any comic has ever dared make a Watergate joke, Kathryn Jean dusts off a convicted conspirator and makes him funnier than ever!

What more can be said?

[Gracias a Instaputz!]

Kim probable!

With Kim Jong Il adorably threatening to wipe the U.S. off the map - "Who's a nuclear superpower? You are! Yes, you are!" - I got to thinking about Dear Leader's other contributions to the world of entertainment.

For starters, there's his On the Art of the Cinema. Suck it, Truffaut! Watch Kay to the Jay Eye drop science:

"In selecting an actor, one must pay close attention to every aspect of his personality and also accurately assess his political and ideological life and his level of artistry. Since his political and ideological preparedness and his artistry are reflected in his daily life and creative activities, the director should study all of the actor’s creative work and subject the social, political, cultural and moral aspects of his life to close and regular examination."

You taking notes, Tarantino? This shit is serious. Then Li'l Kim kidnapped South Korean director Shin Sang Ok and "persuaded" him to help "conduct the revolution in art and literature." The result? A brace of titles, including the monster epic Pulgasari:



In Shin's defense, nobody told him the movies had to be good.

For my money, though, nothing beats the ROFLtastic public mourning after Papa Kim bought the collective farm in 1994.

Mark Sanford gets the lyrics wrong

"I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina."

I'm not saying Major Garrett is a total douchebag...

Karl Rove and other shitfucks on the Right like to bitch about how George W. Bush had been the victim of liberal media bias from the moment he stole the 2000 election.

But can anybody find me any record of any reporter ever behaving toward President Bush as penishly as Fox News Channel's Major Garrett did the other day? I don't mean commentators - I'm talking about direct, one-on-one questions. I seem to remember a docile and well-lubed press corps in those days.

Well, I'm glad that's over, anyway.

OH GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Creed is reuniting.

Huh? Wha? Eh?

George Will: "The president is being roundly criticized for insufficient, rhetorical support for what's going on over there. It seems to me foolish criticism. The people on the streets know full well what the American attitude toward the regime is. And they don't need that reinforced."

Peggy Noonan: "To insist the American president, in the first days of the rebellion, insert the American government into the drama was shortsighted and mischievous. The ayatollahs were only too eager to demonize the demonstrators as mindless lackeys of the Great Satan Cowboy Uncle Sam, or whatever they call us this week. John McCain and others went quite crazy insisting President Obama declare whose side America was on, as if the world doesn't know whose side America is on."

I... I... agree with George Will and Peggy Noonan.

Citizens on Pa-Troll!

Ah, leave to the hard-core commenters on the WaPo story about today's Metro Red Line crash to never miss a chance to troll harder. Some choice Olan Mills-style moments:

"Cops prepared for looters?"

"Let me guess - 'we need more $$'. Everyone and there [sic] mom has their hand out in this new socialist welfare state. Praise Obama"

"As the great American president Reagan cautioned us, Government is the problem. As the totalitarians demand more from those of us still able to produce, the scales will tip, and Atlas will shrug. You just can't admit Rand was right."

"DC needs more freeways. FREEWAYS CARRY MORE PEOPLE AND GOODS IN ONE LANE PER HOUR THAN ANY METRO LINE COULD EVER DREAM OF."


Awwww, stay klassy, you foxy bored Freepers, you! Like your house-bound asses would ever use the Metro anyway.

Neighbor, please!

"A little piece of America died today. It's a sad day for morality."

What happened? Did somebody shoot up a museum or murder a doctor?

Nope. A man used the word "shit." And he got away with it!

Joseph Laughlin and Michael Rainey are neighbors. And Rainey lets his cat shit anywhere it pleases. Laughlin had asked, politely, for Rainey to remedy the situation. After several such requests, Laughlin resorted to the Anglo-Saxon. Rainey's 13-year-old daughter was in earshot at the time, and he asked police to cite Laughlin for disorderly conduct.

After the trouble and public expense of a jury trial, Laughlin was aquitted. And Rainey is a little bitch.

I got nothin'

George W. Bush, June 18, 2009

Please 'Hammer... STFU

Syndicated columnist Charles Krauthammer (pictured) takes issue with President Obama's public stance on the crisis in Iran:
"The president is taking a hands-off attitude. Instead of standing, as Reagan did, in the Polish uprising of 1980, and say we stand with the people in the street who believe in democracy. It is a simple statement. He ought to make it. And it is a disgrace that the United States is not stating it as simply and honestly as that."

Charles Krauthammer's head, to state it simply and honestly, is lodged firmly up his flat, leaky ass:

Two years ago, shortly before the invasion of Iraq, I argued in these pages that forcefully deposing Saddam Hussein was, more than anything, about America "coming ashore" to effect a "pan-Arab reformation" -- a dangerous, "risky and, yes, arrogant" but necessary attempt to change the very culture of the Middle East, to open its doors to democracy and modernity.

The stupendously shitty analysis was taken from a Time magazine column headlined, "Three Cheers for the Bush Doctrine." QED.

Visit beautiful Mt. Vernon, OH

Named for George Washington's estate in Virginia, Mt. Vernon, OH celebrates its second historic century this year. It's also home to Mt. Vernon Nazarene University - go Cougars! - and was proclaimed an "All-American City" by Look magazine in 1965.

More recently, Mt. Vernon has laid out the welcome mat for young racists: Dale Cline, 18, received only 10 days' jail time for the attempted lynching of Robert Cantu, a 17-year-old of Hispanic heritage:

Robert Cantu, 17, said Cline yelled racial slurs, grabbed him, pushed him down and put a noose around his neck.
Cantu said he was the dragged three to four feet from a sidewalk to a parking lot on South Main Street. Robert’s mother, Marcie Cantu, said Cline also told her son he was going to be hanged in a park.

And it's not a cross burning; it's a cross lighting! Play safe, kids!

[Illustration: "Whispers of Time," by the local Hollon Art Service]

I am a lazy SOB this week

I'm also flattering myself to think that anybody who reads this wouldn't already be hip to the excellent Crooks and Liars. But if you haven't yet seen this nugget of homespun wisdom by the courtly, eloquent Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA), well, enjoy:



[NB: Yes, I am fishing for compliments. Or criticism. Leave your thoughts in the comments section, and I might think about doing another giveaway.]

My new GOP dream ticket

Commiejewpocalypse!

When Matt Drudge (pictured) questions somebody's ethics, you know you're in for a laugh. The Internet's Most Misshapen Link-Whore hoots and hollers over ABC's June 24 broadcast from the White House, screaming about an "ethical firestorm!"

And right on cue, the monkeys fling poo - early returns show not one, but two references to Hitler's propagandist, along with dolorous wheezing about apparatchiks and Politburos.

"As far as I am aware this has never happened before in any administration - Democrat or Republican," somebody named Karl Denninger boo-hoos.

As Nell Carter famously said - I'm paraphrasing here - give me a fucking break! From Brett Baier to Bill O'Reilly, Fox News gobbled an eight-year smorgasbord of Bush cock in both D.C. and Crawford. Rupert even gave Darth Dick a quick squeezer.

But if Not-Fox sources from the White House when Not-Bush is in office, it's all different, and sinister. And more proof that Obama is a half-breed Muslin. And a Socialist. And a Fascist. And a ghey. And a few other things I'm sure I'm forgetting. He's a bad, bad man, folks!

"ZOMG jinx! You owe me a Coke!"

Pacifically speaking

If you have been able to listen to the news recently without giggling when reporters say the word Uyghur, you're way more mature than I am. But something struck me in mid-LOL this morning.

Announcing the transfer of 17 Uyghur detainees from the prison at Guantanamo Bay to his country, Palauan president Johnson Toribiong gave a shout-out to his nigga, the USA:

"I am honored and proud that the United States has asked Palau to assist with such a critical task," he said in a press release. "This is but a small thing we can do to thank our best friend and ally for all it has done of Palau."

Okay, okay, yeah, he got $200 million, too. I'm ashamed to admit what I would do for that much money. I would say that President Toribiong showed admirable restraint.

And, you know, it just felt nice to hear somebody from another country say something nice about America.

And for his next trick

Chastity Bono will make Pat Robertson's head asplode.
TMZ reports that Sonny & Cher's author/acitivist progeny has begun a transition from female to male.

This makes me so happy! For one thing, it's always good to see somebody live fully and happily true to themselves.
But it's also really entertaining to watch idiot freakazoid hillbilly fundies shit pickles and gabble about how pissed off Sky Daddy is gonna be over this. It's like the ultimate "Wait until your father gets home!" speech.

Oh, PLEAS

Remember when sad sack Michael Steele tried to frame marriage equality as an economic issue? I may have found a plan that makes even less sense.

Say hello to Bob Pawson, a coordinator for Pro-Life Educators And Students. Announcing a July 2nd anti-choice rally targeting the National Education Association (?) Pawson blames abortion for... the recession. No, really! It's in the press release!

"The NEA leadership's support for abortion has led to the destruction of fifty-million students and simultaneously eliminated hundreds of thousands of teaching careers and education-related jobs. Surely, some of those dead students were the ones God sent to cure AIDS, end world-hunger, and create clean-energy technologies," said Pawson. "NEA's leadership portrays itself as the premier advocate for children while collecting millions of dollars in dues from teachers for supposedly protecting their jobs. What hypocrisy!"

Ten out of 10 for creativity, but minus several hundred for making sense.

Braille Version, Pls, K Thx!

You know those autotune-the-news your grandpa at the home has gotten around to forwarding to you on the e-mails? I really would like that done to NPR's "Planet Money" podcasts, because while in theory and mostly actuality they are a really good idea (explaining why all the shit's in the crapper and shit), the people that they have on there doing the talking sound like a bunch of valleygirl cats getting strangled in the dryer.

Seriously, listen to an episode and count how many times they, like, say the word "like," with, like, the vocal cadence of, like, their balls all getting caught in their zippers while having a lawnmower roll over their crotches.

Newt and Ronald and Gingrich and Reagan

Yay! Newt Gingrich is just like Ronald Reagan, reanimated and without the Alzheimer's. Barack Hussein!!!!! Obama told the godless heathens in Cairo that he was a citizen of the world, and Jewcommiegays all lined up to gobble his choad. But Newt? He stood athwart that shit, and said The One's remarks were "intellectual nonsense and stunningly dangerous."

Fuck yeah! That's just the kind of hurt The Great and Blessed Prophet Ronald Reagan, Peace Be Upon Him, would have brought. Right, Fox News Channel?

Yeah, totally! Except for the part where Ronald Reagan declared himself a citizen of the world in a 1982 speech to the United Nations.

If the entire conservative movement were to fall into the Atlantic ocean, we'd be skimming moron for three generations.

Hate conquers all

Isn't it great when people can put aside petty differences for the sake of a greater cause?

Jon Voight MC'd some Republican clusterfuck in Washington the other night. And he had a bone to pick with President Obama.

"We are becoming a weak nation," said Voight, calling Obama a "false prophet." Republicans need to find their way back to power to free the nation from "this Obama oppression," he said.

"He makes some good points," Don Black tweeted in response. Dude, wait, what? Voight, as any Chabad Telethon viewer knows, is a big old Jew. And Black? He no likey the Tribe. There's been a lively back-and-forth among the inbred racist gun freaks on Black's Stormfront forums, but the concensus seems to be that Voight is useful for now.

How sweet! Maybe Black and his boys will kill you last, huh Jon?

Your car is ready, Bish

Homo-hating carpet-bagger "Bishop" Harry Jackson is some kind of pissed off at Dick Cheney. Team Bush blew all this holy smoke up evangelicals' collective ass in 2004. Mobilize your people and help us keep the White House, they said, and we'll deliver a Constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union between one man and one woman.

Ha! Burn! Not only didn't the fundies get their amendment, now old Dick supports marriage equality for all Americans, however grudgingly. "I'm outraged that we've been promised things by the GOP -- specifically by the president -- that haven't really come into fruition," Harry snuffles.

Suck it up, bitch. You got swindled. Karl Rove played you like a fiddle - or a washboard, or a jug. You served your purpose. But nobody really likes you, because you're an insufferable, intolerant bunch of hypocrites. Now take your Christian Levitican gobbledeygook and shove it.

Dominus vobiscum, asshole.

Ooga booga booga!

Saint Newt of the Passion warns that the sacred Amurrican values Jesus gave us in the Garden of Eden are under attack:

"I am not a citizen of the world. I am a citizen of the United States because only in the United States does citizenship start with our creator. [...] I think this is one of the most critical moments in American history. We are living in a period where we are surrounded by paganism."

So, this adulterous fat hillbilly, deadbeat dad and hot-check artist is the last best hope for morality in American society?

Bonus hypocrisy: Gingrich is that most appalling breed of pussy, a warhawk who dodged the draft.

I am a smug, entitled, insensitive prick

And even I want to see Pat Buchanan thrown naked into an uptown #6 car.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Yes, it really is a pizza oven for your car!


(Type 2 diabetes sold separately)