Friday, July 31, 2009

Down, Pat

Pat Boone, once an amiable dipshit guilty of nothing more than the occasional crime against cool black music, has morphed in his leaky-penis dotage into a jingoistic fundamentalist goon with a flag fetish. So of course he's a regular contributor at the wackadoodle World Net Daily.

Pat's a bit late to the waterboarding hootenanny, but give him a break - there's only so much news you can catch up on between nap time, Jell-O and sponge baths.

The first thing you need to know about waterboarding is, it's not torture - just a "frightening" and "uncomfortable" experience - when it's done to A-rabs, of course.

But when Pat finally shuffles into the point of his loopy essay, waterboarding is suddenly a deadly threat to the very liberty we hold dear. "America is being waterboarded!" Pat warns. "With no instigation from Congress, the freshman president picked up his new hose of authority and, by executive order, overturned the long-standing Reagan-era regulations..." blah blah blah, same-sex fear-quote marriage un-fear-quote, abortion, socialistic ultraliberalism and OH GOD IT'S A BLACK! WITH A BIG HOSE!

And then a cheerful orderly wheels Pat into the sun room. Yay, tapioca!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

BREAKING: MAN NICKNAMED "BIG PAPI" DOES DRUGS

[From time to time, we invite guest haters to unburden themselves in this space. Today, we are pleased to welcome journalist, raconteur and bon vivant Ky Henderson.]

It's been a rough day for Bostonians. Not only has the White House "beer summit" seemed to suggest that the city might have a tiny problem with race relations, but it was revealed that beloved Red Sox DH David "Big Papi" Ortiz tested positive for steroids back in 2003. What a couple of wicked shockahs!

Ortiz joined the Sox in 2003, after several years in Minnesota where he was too injured and/or awful to play a single full season. Then, faith and begorrah, he shows up in Beantown and mysteriously turns into the second-coming of Ted Williams—well, a chubby Ted Williams. However, last year, after he'd led the team to two World Series, the heat started coming down on steroid users and his numbers just as mysteriously plummeted.

Earlier this year Big Papi and his rapey facial hair got on a soap box and he said that steroid users should sit out a a full year instead of the 50 games for which users like his pal and fellow Red Sox World Series hero Manny Ramirez are currently suspended. The smart money is on Big Papi eating his words—heck, he eats everything else.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Birthers are amateurs

You want the serious crazy, you talk to this guy:


[Thanks, Tom!]

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!

Somebody needs to slap the balls out of Michelle Malkin's mouth. Last night on Hannity, this neocon fap fodder described the Obama White House as "one of the corrupt, most corrupt administrations in recent memory."

Does your "recent memory" extend as far back as Bush-Enron-Halliburton-Cheney, Sugartits? Because even if your smoky allegations of malfeasance on the part of President Obama were to have any basis in anything like objective reality, it'd have to be some serious shit to top the last eight years.

I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she doesn't remember the recent gang-rape of the Constitution. Maybe she's some kind of super-evolved goldfish, who's learned to hit her camera mark and use pom-poms. In which case, somebody flush her, quick.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Who let the dogs blog?

Remember when tubby little meatball Neil Cavuto suggested that Dr. Regina Benjamin was too fat to be Surgeon General? I should set him up on an all-you-can-eat buffet date with Concerned Women for America's Janice Shaw Crouse.

In a lickjob editorial headlined, "Thank You, Sarah Palin," this Jabba-like grotesquerie has the temerity to criticize somebody else's appearance: "Unlike Nancy Pelosi’s surgically induced gash of a smile, which is hard to endure, Palin simply lights up the room when she enters it."

I won't even mention Janice's breathy paean to Margaret Thatcher's "soft exterior" (da fuck?). Has this doughy train wreck ever seen herself? She's so ugly she looked out the window and got ticketed for mooning. She's so ugly that when she goes to the bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras. She's so ugly that on Halloween she trick-or-treats by phone.

Shut up, Janice. Go stick your face in dough and make some ass cookies.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

This is depressing

G. Gordon Liddy used to be a crazy scumbag. Now he's a mumbling, palsied pants-crapper who looks like the last living extra from Cruising.

Chris Matthews says he's a friend of Liddy's, but I'm not so sure. Friends don't let friends nod off and drool on national television defending the hateful shithead racist "birther" crowd.

Give this sad old fuck some pudding and a warm blanket, and let him watch a nice test pattern. But don't put him on TV anymore. I almost hanged myself like four times watching this segment.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Hey! Do You Have a Vagina?

Because if you do, Frito-Lay thinks surely you must have a fucked-up relationship with food, and that your life looks like some unholy amalgamation of Cathy and a Life-Is-Good t-shirt called "Only In a Woman's World."

OMG YAY!!!

I almost feel bad for them

First, the fundies launch a campaign against gay marriage and call it 2M4M.

And now along comes this "Christian alternative to Craigslist," very unfortunately named Christools.com

Neil Cavuto's beautiful glass house

Fox News Channel's Neil Cavuto wonders if Dr. Regina Benjamin is too fat to be Surgeon General.

I'm going to buy Cavuto a full-length mirror for his birthday. Anybody want to kick in a few bucks?

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Bad intentions

You know how some TV news reporters make that ostentatious show of pronouncing Spanish place names correctly? Like, San Hhhwan, Pwairto Reeko? I get it, good intentions, but I think it's silly. Would they make the effort to pronounce Paris as Pah-ree, or Berlin as Bear-lean? No.

But from now on, I'm going to pronounce Sonia Sotomayor's name like a Boricua. Because I believe that every time I do, Pat Buchanan bleeds a little.

This is Stefan

Cowardly dipshit Stefan Cook doesn't have to go to Afghanistan. And his wacky Zsa Zsa Gabor soundalike mouthpiece is hooting like a howler monkey over this "bombshell" court victory. To her bleach-blistered brain, this means that the Pentagon shares her suspicions about President Obama's citizenship.
I'll leave the legal wrangling to professional brown-people-haters like Lou Dobbs, and simply offer Stefan this bit of sage advice from Australian self-help phenomenon Ronnie Johns:

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

This one goes out to the ladies

I have been so happy since Sadly, No! introduced me to Cynthia Yockey. Ms. Yockey is a lesbian who eschewed her lifelong liberalism during the 2008 presidential election. Which means she hates blacks more than she loves beave.


Cynthia murders the English language and begs for food (no, really! She wants you to buy her a sandwich through her PayPal link!) at this spectacularly ill-informed blog. In today's entry, she, ah... advances a theory of some sort about Barack Obama's mother. Or something:
Ms. Dunham became pregnant with Obama, Jr., at the age of 17 out-of-wedlock by an African man from Kenya, Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., who was already married and did not bother to divorce his first wife before marrying Obama’s mother well into her pregnancy — which means that the second marriage was not legal and Obama is a bastard in every sense of the word.
Haw! Iseewhatyoudidthere! There's some other crazy crap about Bristol Palin and Wolf Blitzer and a book called Sex Rebel and oh, yay! She just found some old French fries in an abdominal fold! Nom nom nom...

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Blinded to the science

There's this Ogden Nash poem about a rotten little boy who doesn't believe in Santa Claus. Santa, as it turns out, doesn't believe in the little boy, who finds himself magically transformed into a jack-in-the-box. Advantage: Santa.

So, you know how Republicans don't believe in science-y stuff like evolution and global warming? Turns out the feeling is mutual:
... of 2500 polled scientists, just 6 percent of the polled identify themselves as Republicans (as opposed to 23 percent of the overall population)
These findings are in line with my own anecdotal assessment of the Republican party as a haven for racist fundie morons with guns.

And I am the first to admit that my intro to this item was twee and precious. I am also the first to invite you to blow me. That's an awesome Photoshop.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Well, David Brooks is quite a tasty morsel

Poor beautiful little flower David Brooks was almost raped by a creepy old Republican senator at dinner one night:
"I sat next to a Republican senator once at dinner and he had his hand on my inner thigh the whole time. I was like, ehh, get me out of here."
I know you feel so dirty right now, David. But you did nothing wrong. It is not your fault that that man touched you!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Thanks, Ghana. No, seriously. Thanks. Really. A bunch.

The birthers totally won't have a fucking field day with this:

"Accra's international airport has received a brisk makeover - shiny new flags adorn lamp posts along major routes and large billboards have been erected depicting Ghanaian President John Atta Mills alongside Mr Obama, with the proclamation "Partnership for Change" and the Akan phrase "Akwaaba" meaning welcome home."

EVACUATE GROPECUNT LANE!



LOL, Germans.

STFU, cracker

Redneck shit-for-brains Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA) warns that a public health care option "is gonna kill people."

Broun, it's worth remembering, has also warned that Barack Obama is a Nazi who's building a private army, and led a push to ban the sale of pornography on military bases. And his kid is a dope fiend.

So, yeah. Brouny is 31 flavors of FAIL. What the hell is wrong with you, Georgia?

Hope on Pope

Remember how some bitch-ass losers tut-tutted about the shitty gifts Barack Obama gave the Queen of England? Look what Pope Notgay Nazipants I gave our Prez the other day:
"Even in his gift to the U.S. leader, the pope sought to communicate his beliefs. Benedict gave Obama a copy of a Vatican document on bioethics that hardened the church's opposition to using embryos for stem cell research, cloning and in-vitro fertilization. Obama supports stem cell research."
What a dickfor. I hope Barack gave Benny some porn or something.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

This Is Fact.

Wikipedia's "Today's Featured Article" for today is the most amazing ever, seriously.

Canadian PM gets Catholic takeout

Prime Minister Stephen Harper angered Catholics by apparently pocketing a communion wafer at a funeral mass in Canada on Friday.

Optimus Prime is an artist, dammit!


So last night David Letterman had Optimus Prime read a list of "Top Ten Things That Sound Cool When Spoken by a Giant Robot." And Collider posted the clip. And that's when the magic happened.

Reader Michael Brown commented, "letterman is a jerk. thats why i never watch his show. felt like optimus was forced on that show to say those unfunny things… not cool."

I am so in love right now.







[Thanks, Eric!]

Stone cold granny

Check this out: She beat a fawn to death with a shovel, and had planned to drag the carcass to the edge of her property as a warning to other deer. No way I'm messing with this broad.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Good night, sweet prince


The earth has lasted 6,000 years without any environmental regulation

Say hello to Sylvia Allen. The Republican from Snowflake sits on the Arizona state senate's Natural Resources Committee. And this crazy dipshit advances an environmental agenda based on her belief that the earth is 6,000 years old.

She'll probably tell you we don't need a public health care option either, since we're all made of clay.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Sarah Palin = Jesus Christ

Her resignation was self-sacrifice:

Ron Artest's Michael Jackson tribute

This may be the greatest thing to have come of Michael Jackson's entire existence.


[Bless you, Luke Wahl]

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I love you, Erick Erickson!

"This is kind of like Ben Kenobi letting Darth Vader strike him down. Palin is not going to run in 2012, but by doing this she can now become Barack Obama’s worst nightmare, and help rebuild the opposition to Obama."

Totally! Except for the part where she quit her job because she didn't feel like doing it anymore. And also too, she's dumb.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Having shattered all existing records for atrocious run-on sentences, Kathryn Jean Lopez cools down with some jumping jacks

"Rather than just be a celebrity, this could be a real opportunity for [Sarah Palin] to show us her stuff — what's important to her, what she wants people to know about her, why we should pay attention to her, why we should consider her for the highest office in the land (after already gone with the cool dude with little national electoral experience — though in his case it was little experience, period)."

Walk it off, Champ!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Hey John Boehner! The economy's in the shitter! Can you help us?

"Nah, I think I'll just sit on my can, maybe propose a bunch of horseshit that hasn't worked for the last 8 years, then rent a bloodhound and make a total cock of myself on the YouTubes."

[SCENE]

"Also? Her tits."



"Say what you will about Governor Palin, no one else in politics brightens your day in quite the same way. The interview reflects her generous, good-humored personality, as well." -- John Hinderaker, Power Line

Howie do it!

It's been a while since Howard Kaloogian's last bracing blast of crazy, the Thank You, Sarah Palin video. Well Howie's back, and battier than ever! His latest clip asserts that Barack Obama is worse than Adolf Hitler and Mahmoud Ahmedinejad. Yes, really!

"The only surprising thing about this ad is that they didn't manage to incorporate some mention of the fact that Obama was not even born in the United States and is ineligible to be president," observes Right Wing Watch.

Give it time!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I love you Ayn Rand, you bug-eyed midgety nymphomaniac!!!!!!!

On July 30th, teabaggers are "going Galt!"
On that date, we are asking Conservatives all across the nation to “Call in Conservative”. On July 30th, Conservatives will not work, we will not buy. Instead, we will spend time with our families and friends. We will show President Obama and Congress who REALLY drives this economy. For more information on “A Day Without Conservatives," contact Judson Phillips at judson@teapartynation.com.

So we won't see any conservatives on the road, at the office, or in restaurants? Amen! I support this protest with all my heart. Don't limit yourselves to just one day - let's make this an Asshole-Free Summer!

[I'll save you a slow dance, MyDD!]

WHY ARE YOU DESECRATING THE FLAG, SARAH PALIN?

You're not supposed to drape the Stars and Stripes over a chair.

Who's she been palling around with?

"We no like!"

So! Norm Coleman finally conceded the Minnesota Senate race to Al Franken. And the Fox News Channel's short bus window lickers are not happy:

Glenn Beck: "It shows how crazy our country has gone. It shows we've lost our minds." What's this "we" shit, Glenn? You have a mouse in your pocket or something?

Sean Hannity: "I, in my heart of hearts, do not believe that Al Franken won that election." And I, in my heart of hearts, do not believe that you should be allowed to use scissors.

Brian Kilmeade: "I'm in denial... [Franken is] barely sane." Says the guy who shares a couch with Steve Doocy.

Mike Adams is a yammering shithead

First off: Frank M. Lombard is a fucking monster who deserves nothing less than a lifetime of misery and pain.

But Mike Adams? I don't know. Does Dante say anything about where hysterical bigots are sent to have their taints kicked by demons? The Hannity and O'Reilly Factor favorite regularly churns out asinine drivel for Townhall, like this essay comparing feminists to Charles Manson. But his latest is pathetic even by his fundie jug-band standards.

In a series of unattributed quotes, Mike spins one man's horrible crime into a smokescreen about the epidemic of "gay racism" at Duke University. “Being a big, black man, it’s hard to walk anywhere at night, and not have a campus police car slowly drive by me," one of the anonymous "victims" of this nefarious blight complains. "What about the gay administrators at Duke University? No one seems to follow them.”

And what about this poor soul? “You go to a party, you get grabbed, you get propositioned by a gay man, and then you start to question yourself.” Um, Mike? If this... friend... of yours has feelings that make him uncomfortable, that's not proof of a gay racist cabal working in the shadows. You should -- sorry, your friend should -- consider seeing a therapist and working through all that guilt.

The Lombard case is about the inhuman abuse of a helpless child. Nothing more. But this blows right by Mike: “No one is really talking about how to keep the young child himself central to this conversation, how to keep his humanity before us … he doesn’t seem to be visible in this.”

Of course the issue of the victim has been tabled. Because Mike is busy nursing his hate-boner over teh ghey, which in his tiny hillbilly mind is synonymous with pedophilia.


And speaking of 'mos, check out this fractional ad I saw on Townhall, right next to a picture of Glenn Beck. ROFL!