Monday, August 31, 2009

Dear Juliette Lewis

Why are you still here?

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Murder My Ears

Check it out, moms! Lady GaGa has written a song for none other than Michael Bolton.


Friday, August 28, 2009

"It has been suggested that RNC chairman Michael Steele is a transvestite prostitute. Does this possibly concern you?"

In a recent fundraising appeal, the Republican National Committee asked voters, "It has been suggested that the government could use voter registration to determine a person's political affiliation, prompting fears that GOP voters might be discriminated against for medical treatment in a Democrat-imposed health care rationing system. Does this possibly concern you?"

It has further been suggested that
  • Sarah Palin eats paste and smells like urine
  • Bill O'Reilly was born without genitalia
  • "Goatse" is Glenn Beck

Mormon lush can't spell

I knew Glenn Beck was crazy, but I had no idea how hella stupid he was as well:

[Bless you, Mr. Weigel]

Thursday, August 27, 2009

They're no fun, but they sure are mental

The aptly named Wayne Sapp is using his own children as props in a campaign that is asinine even by the standards of his home state, Florida. Society has grown "so tolerant of being tolerant," he says, that free speech is eroding.

His solution? Hate speech: Sapp sent his daughters, aged 15 and 10, to school wearing t-shirts that read, "Islam is of the devil." The Sapp clan pray together at the Dove World Outreach Center, a ramshackle compound of trailers and Quonset huts on the edge of a malarial swamp outside Gainesville. Terry Jones, Dove's chief snake handler, says spreading the church's message is "even more important than education itself."

Which is why, were I a betting man, I'd lay even money that we'll see the elder Sapp daughter on a pole at a truck stop within two years of this day.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Andrew Breitbart needs attention

While America mourns Ted Kennedy's passing, most conservative media figures are hanging back from stupid potshots at the great, but flawed, public servant. Even Michelle Malkin advised, however dickishly, that, "There is a time and place for political analysis and criticism. Not now."

But Andrew Brietbart? He ain't having any of that shit. In a series of artfully worded Twitter messages, he described the dead Kennedy as a "duplicitous bastard" and "a prick."

"I'm more than willing to go off decorum to ensure THIS MAN is not beatified,” Breitbart wrote. “Sorry, he destroyed lives. And he knew it." [Politico]

It's a transparent cry for attention. This booze-bloated shitsack is pulling crap that's beneath even Rush Limbaugh. Fuck this fat asshole and anybody who works for him.

NB: Yes, I know, by writing about this, I'm giving Breitbart the attention he craves. But it's okay. Nobody reads this blog. Ha! I win, you fat bitch!

I gotta ask

Look at this pic of Tom Shales from the Washington Post and splain me how anybody could ID him as a Style Columnist. Entertainment, TV, Butter, those I could see. But Style?

[Gracias, Hoffkins!]

There are no words

A comment posted this morning on Sarah Palin's Facebook page:

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Best. Comment. Ever!

A Twipic user labeled this snap "Mount Douchemore."

No more need be said.

[Thanks, Evan!]

Running low on stupid? I know a guy who can top you off

I know, I know, I've been going to the Conservative Outpost well a lot lately. I can't help myself. They've added so many new morons to the masthead that it's an all-you-can-stomach smorgasbord of stupid.

Outpost contributor planstoprosper is a promising new talent, offering "Four Labels the Left Will Give You." In a radical departure from CO house style, p2p uses proper grammar and punctuation. Well, for the most part: He does that quotation-marks-for-emphasis thing that drives the recovering copy editor in me up the fucking wall. But I'll spot him: I'm still swooning over the Chicago Style Manual headline capitalization. (Yeah, I know, I don't use that here. Blow me.)

After bam-bam-bamming through three standard-issue charges against conservatives - that they're racist, fascist and sexist - with, if not hermetic tautologies, at least a degree of finesse, P-squared fumbles the landing: "I am not homophobic," he grunts, "as if opposing a thing somehow requires that you are irrationally afraid of that thing."

LOLWUT? "Opposing homosexuality?" Last time I checked, that was like opposing dark skin or left-handedness. "I am not afraid to take a principled stand on a contentious current issue," planstoprosper concludes. "I do oppose homosexuality, but that does not make me homophobic."

And I oppose dipshittery, but that does not make me dipshitophobic.

Monday, August 24, 2009

*coughcough* PUSSY *coughcough*

Just the other day Rep. Trent Franks (R-Stupidtown) said there was insufficient evidence that President Barack Obama was a natural-born United States citizen, and that he was considering a lawsuit to... uh... give Orly Taitz national airtime on So You Think You Can Dance or something.

But now he has bowed to pressure from the liberal truth-based media, and withdrawn his remarks.

Good luck sewing that thing back on, Congressman.

God bless you, Mr. Meekins!

If, like me, you've been jonesing since Larry King filed his last USA Today column in 2001, you're in for a treat. Not only is the Conservative Outpost's Frederick Meekins every bit as incoherently awful a writer as King ever was, he's also an ill-informed, mean-spirited ass.

Meekins lurches from item to item, pausing only to hock up some staggeringly stupid literary loogie: The Scots are "men who wear dresses," and western Europe "totters on the edge of the garbage can of history." Short schoolkids are "actually the snottiest brats in the class," but "since chubbier students don't fit in with the plans of New World Order types such as environmentalists [wtf? -Ed.], I guess we got what we deserved."

Not sold yet? Check this out: Noting that a 22-year-old woman has accused magician David Copperfield of rape when she visited him on his private island, Meekins asks, "what else did she think was going to happen?" This guy is a national treasure.

And finally, Meekins closes with a zinger about recent House legislation to extend health insurance benefits to the same-sex partners of federal employees: "The financial hole Americans will not be able to get out of for generations is about to get even deeper thanks to efforts to fawn all over those messing around in holes where they really don’t belong." Haw! Seewhathedidthere?

[Rudy clap]

UPDATE: Oh happy day! Smart Girl Politics now hosts audio of Fred reading his "Headline Pot Pourri" news roundups. You have got to hear this goofy rube. He sounds like Jamie Gumm on a cough syrup bender.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Peggy Noonan says I'm not normal. She might be right, but for the wrong reason.

"Single payer?" That's when the government pays for medical treatment delivered in the private sector.

"Public option?" That's when the government provides an alternative to private health insurance.

"Insurance marketplace/exchange?" That's when private companies contribute a specific amount to their employees' health insurance premiums. The employees can then shop among a menu of plans offered by participating insurers.

I knew all this off the top of my head, and I'm an idiot. But Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, whose job it kinda sorta is to know this shit, says "no one understands what this stuff means, nobody normal."

What has this boozy sadsack contributed to the conversation about health insurance reform but meaningless twaddle? And, not to raise the specter of death panels, but could somebody please compassionately euthanize the Journal? It's depressing to see what a doltish partisan rag that once-great paper has become.

[PS - I stole that pic from the excellent Mike Ink]

Friday, August 21, 2009

Dear al Qaeda: Please kill us. All of us.

Say hello to Steven Silvestro. He is the 2009 Pokemon Masters World Champion.

The KFC "Double Down"

Yes, you're looking at "a fried chicken patty, 2 slices of cheese, 2 slices of bacon, and another fried chicken patty. "

I propose that anybody who orders this be banned from ever receiving any kind of publicly funded health care. Seriously, fuck you if you want this.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Butthurt Cunt Is Butthurt. And a Cunt.

I don't know about you, but I am thoroughly enjoying today's spat involving some dumpy bitch who blogs for Clown Hall having beef with Wonkette on account of her recent post on v00d00-in-the-NO!bama-White's-Only-House!!!11!!.

*Kristen Atkinson's senior class portrait.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"Thufferin thuccotath!"

Alan Gottlieb is a crazy little weenie who represents the gun freaks at the Second Amendment Foundation. He's always fun to watch on TV because of his hilarious speech impediment, but he opened up an extra can of WTF on tonight's Hardball, discussing the recent trend among wingnuts to show up strapped wherever President is speaking:

Adventures in photo editing

Robert Novak is dead. Good going, Yahoo News!

[Thanks, Eric!]

Fatty made a funny!

Say what you will about liberals and their penchant for snark. At least they're good at it. In a blog post nearly Glenn Reynoldsian in its copy-paste laziness, Dimples attempts an ironic one-sentence dismissal of protesters on the UC Berkeley campus. "Protesters show their tolerance," she sniffs at a news item about protesters calling on the university's law school to fire Bush administration bitch boy John Yoo.

How does she do it, folks?

Urkel's got a gun!

"We will forcefully resist people imposing their will on us through the strength of the majority with a vote."

[Thanks, TPM]

Monday, August 17, 2009

Mr. Beck, I have a can't-miss opportunity for you!

GMAC Financial is the latest advertiser to pull its support from Glenn Beck's Cavalcade of Twuntery. But hang in there, Glenn! I just thought of the perfect promotional partner.

No charge, buddy. Good luck out there!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Rudy Giuliani endorses Sarah Palin's "death panel" rumor

Welcome aboard the Irrelevancy Express, you mobbed-up, lisping douchebag.

Remember when he blew off the wedding of the gay friends who let him crash at their place? Guess he was worried about his "family values" image in the run-up to 2012. Yeah, like he's even close to a nomination after this lunacy. Too bad, Rudy - you might as well have enjoyed what, stereotypically speaking, must have been a fabulous party!

See you around, asshole.

HOT topless Russian! NSFW! Must be over 18!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Cue Sarah Palin's defense of this asshole's First Amendment rights in 3... 2...


A man who was holding a sign reading "Death to Obama" Wednesday outside a town hall meeting on health care reform in Hagerstown, Md., has been turned over to the Secret Service.

Washington County Sheriff's Capt. Peter Lazich said the sign also read, "Death to Michelle and her two stupid kids."

And not for nothing, but why can't these wackos ever manage to make a decent sign? That fucking thing is unreadable.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Fuck you, Katy Abram

Honestly, I wanted to like Katy Abram. She's the woman who, barely holding back tears, told Sen. Arlen Specter at his Pennsylvania town hall that she feared for her country. I took her for a sincerely concerned citizen. Misinformed, sure, but sincere.

I wanted to like her so much that I feared for her when she appeared on Hardball last night with guest host Lawrence O'Donnell. She had such an awkward sweetness about her, I worried that a slick lawyer like O'Donnell would dice her up with rhetorical Ginsus and send her home in tears.

But O'Donnell was gentle, even solicitous. He put her at ease, and walked her up to the motivations behind the open-mic appearance that will inevitably make her a pasionaria of the dipshit right.

And then she ruined everything by talking. These Obama administration programs - Cash for Clunkers, say - are being pushed through too quickly.

Yeah, just like an EMT would very quickly administer morphine if you were in a car accident.

Then Katy complained that "it sounds like" Obama would want her to pay more in taxes. That was the root of her frustration, she said. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. When O'Donnell pointed out that the administration's tax increases would affect only households earning $250,000 or more, and was so indelicate as to ask if Katy's family fell in that bracket, she shrugged and said her husband took care of everything.

Katy was losing me here, but won me back by playing the idiot card. I have a soft spot for helpless idiots. Her family's health insurance plan, she said, has a "$5,000-plus deductible," but she was happy with it and wanted to keep it: "I don't want to be forced, or slowly coaxed, into a single-payer system." This chick was so stupid I almost fell in love.

But what about Medicare? O'Donnell asked if Katy would urge her parents not to participate in the Socialist, single-payer Medicare program when they were eligible. "We don't talk politics," Katy giggled.

But she got herself to this Specter town hall. Why hadn't she paid any attention to politics earlier in her adult life? Say, in the aftermath of 9/11, or the run-up to the invasion of Afghanistan and Iraq? "I just had other things going on," she explained. "It wasn't really a priority in my life." War, she says, just seems commonplace now. You know, it's not like anybody she knew personally was in any danger.

By now I was more than happy to see O'Donnell to slap this idiot up one side of the street and down the other, and he delivered. I don't want to spoil it. Enjoy the clip.

Visit for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Lawrence O'Donnell is an oily son of a bitch, but he's our oily son of a bitch. When will MSNBC give this guy his own show?

And fuck you very much, Katy Abram.

LOL with a side order of WTF?

John Hawkins polled his lip-moving readers at Right Wing News, asking them to name the Most Respected People on the Right for 2009. The results are, predictably, hilarious:

  • 23) John Stossel 4
  • 23) Mitt Romney 4
  • 23) Daniel Hannan 4
  • 23) John Bolton 4
  • 16) Fred Thompson 5
  • 16) Antonin Scalia 5
  • 16) Glenn Reynolds 5
  • 16) Bobby Jindal 5
  • 16) George W. Bush 5
  • 16) Sean Hannity 5
  • 16) Tom Coburn 5
  • 14) Victor Davis Hanson 6
  • 14) Dick Cheney 6
  • 12) Ed Morrissey 7
  • 12) Ann Coulter 7
  • 10) Jonah Goldberg 8
  • 10) Newt Gingrich 8
  • 9) Jim DeMint 9
  • 7) Mark Levin 10
  • 7) Glenn Beck 10
  • 6) Charles Krauthammer 11
  • 5) Mark Steyn 14
  • 4) Michelle Malkin 15
  • 3) Thomas Sowell 17
  • 2) Sarah Palin 20
  • 1) Rush Limbaugh 24
Funniest thing I've read all day. Except for the site's slogan. You know how the New York Times declares itself "All the News That's Fit to Print," and the New York Post is "Losing More of Rupert Murdoch's Money Than Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties?" In that spirit, the Right Wing News is "Kneecapping Barack Obama at every opportunity."

(click to embiggen)

Yeah, so... loyal opposition? Free exchange of ideas? Collegial bipartisan effort for the good of the nation? Fuck that! There's a damn nigra in the White House!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Good luck with that!

Jack Abramoff associate and all-around perfidious lying scumbag Ralph Reed says "values voters" are the key to the Republican Party's resurrection. You know, traditional Christian values like double-dealing and conspiring to bilk Native American tribes out of millions.

I left a comment, asking Ralphie-boy how Jack's faring in the Stony Lonesome. My comment is "currently awaiting moderation." I guess I should make myself comfortable.

UPDATE: Ha! The Faith and Freedom Coalition site just broomed all comments for this post. That's fair, I guess. Cowardly, but fair.

The health care holdup is literally that

Why can't Max Baucus move the Senate's health care reform bill out of his Finance Committee? Over to Crooks and Liars:

"The Senate Republicans not only demand that abortions not be paid for with public funds (something already forbidden by the Hyde Amendment), they want to prevent private insurance plans from paying for them, too."

So when President Obama asks GM's drunk dipshit CEO to step aside during restructuring and a public bailout, that's corporate usurpation. But when some weasely GOP cocksucker in the Senate forces his own fundie jug-band brand of Christian morality on private businesses, it's just the legislative process at work.

Fucking swine.

I Got Your “Death Panel” Right Here!

Sarah “Mooseknuckle” Palin opened her face hole last week and decried the dystopian advent of “Obama’s Death Panels,” a shadowy group, much like the mysterious Comics Code Authority, that would decide who lives and who dies. I wish. One of the best things in the movie Soylent Green were the government-run suicide clinics. There are alotta people out there so old and decrepit they don’t know who, where or when they are. I’m just saying…

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Fatty no like me :-(

The Conservative Outpost's giant, lying tub of shit Drew McKissick pinched out another stinky diaper load of a column the other day, asserting that health care reform "seeks to lay the foundation to a one-size-fits-all, single payer system."

To say that this is arrant bullshit is an understatement on the order of suggesting that Drew might benefit from more fresh fruit and the occasional brisk walk. And so, in the interest of civil debate, I attempted to post a comment asking the hideous, truth-twisting eatbeast just what the fuck he had between his ears in lieu of gray matter. But oh, darn:
I'm heartbroken. Why don't you love me anymore, Muffin Tops?

Friday, August 7, 2009

You see why I'm so in love?

I'm dancing to this in my underpants right now. The bikini briefs that say "Home of the Whopper" on the front.

You're welcome.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Holy shit.

Oh man. Please tell me this didn't actually happen.

Jacques Chirac says George W. Bush told him that they had to invade Iraq because “Gog and Magog are at work in the Middle East…. The biblical prophecies are being fulfilled…. This confrontation is willed by God, who wants to use this conflict to erase his people’s enemies before a New Age begins.”

That's it. We can't ever go to France again. It'd just be too embarrassing.

Seriously. Fuck these people.

My friend Ky suggests, "If they wanna vote against their self interests, why can't they vote to fucking have arsenic added to all shipments of fucking cheese doodles shipped below the Mason Dixon?"