Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Ugh, I Already Had to Read This Same Bullshit Essay This One Time for This One Class


I don't give a shit about the parade of narcissists who are getting all butthurt with their FREE HAT! petition to save Pedobear from a hot minute in a California prison, but it does make for a lulzy read. All that's missing is a douchebag of quotes from Discipline and Punish, Simulacra and Simulation, and about how The Matrix is, like, totes real-life, yo.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Irrelevant old fuck disapproves of Barack Obama





Andy Williams, a singer whose fame reached its height more than 30 years ago when his wife shot an Olympic skier to death, worries that Barack Obama is following Marxist theory.

"Don't like him at all," [Williams] said, "I think he wants to create a socialist country. The people he associates with are very Left-wing. One is registered as a Communist... He's taken over the banks and the car industry. He wants the country to fail."

With superstars like Williams and Victoria Jackson allied against him, how can Obama ever hope to win the hearts and minds of the American public?

Mark Hemingway is a 21st century Mark Twain

Okay, an obese, balding, dimwitted shitsack of a 21st century Mark Twain. And lazy. Don't forget lazy. Instead of doing any actual work, Captain Copy-Paste retweets the inane bleatings of the Senate Republican Committee. Verbatim. And calls it "work."


Read it if you want. It's a warmed-over Teresa Heinz Kerry joke, circa 2000, somehow comparing the virtual regional monopolies enjoyed by health insurance companies with the ketchup market. Hemingway, who obviously knows a thing or two about burgers and what goes on them, couldn't help himself.

I wish he'd make like that other famous Hemingway and suck on a gun. With extra mayo.

Trent Franks ups the ante

Most right-wing loons are content to jabber that Barack Obama hates America. Or that he hates white culture. Whatever the fuck that is.

But Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ)? He ain't having any of that penny-ante shit. The big B-O is, Franks says, an enemy of humanity.

[Playful fanny-swat to Right Wing Watch]

Monday, September 28, 2009

Dan Riehl, horrible piece of shit

You know that census worker who was found dead and hanging from a tree with the word FED written on his chest? Dan Riehl, crimebuster extraordinaire, has figured out why: The man was a pedophile!

Let's look at the evidence: "no wife or kids so far as I am aware."

Brilliant! Another case cracked by Inspector Riehl of the Fuckhead Squad. Mrs. Riehl and Inspector Dan Jr. must be so proud.

What's that? There is no Mrs. Riehl or Dan Jr?

Oh. I see.

Friday, September 25, 2009

The White House of Douche America

If, like me, you're always on the lookout for new reasons to avoid South Beach, the W Hotel has got your number. In a bid for the lucrative collar-popping date-rapist market, the chain has christened its first "Entourage Bungalow."

I can smell the Drakkar Noir from 3,000 miles away.

How dare you be so gay, Mr. Obama?

Via my close personal friend, TV's Kevin Pereira: A considered response to skoalrebel's eloquent assertion that Barack Obama is gay for banning flavored dip.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Would you like to help raise money for a good cause?

Would you also like to see Spencer Pratt get the shit kicked out of him? Enjoy your two-scoop sundae of awesome.

The aptly named Pratt has boasted of his prowess in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and claimed to "fear no man" during his tenure on I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here! Pratt is a smug, stupid bitch whose meaningless life cannot end soon enough.

Jason Chambers is a former MMA fighter and host of the History Channel series Human Weapon. He is, in short, a fucking badass.

Mr. Chambers has challenged Spencer Pratt to a fight. Why? I don't need a reason and neither should you. I just want to see Spencer Pratt get punched and kicked repeatedly.

Revenue generated by this bout will benefit City of Hope, an organization dedicated to cancer research and prevention. If you hate helping people, this might be more of a bug than a feature. But I think most of us can agree that cancer = bad, charity = good. And Spencer Pratt = a great face for punching.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

So Nancy Pelosi wants a public insurance option that would reimburse providers at the sames rates as Medicare. The proposal is popular, except among Blue Dogs, who enjoy a steady diet of insurance industry cock.

To get a bill out of committee, Pelosi approves Henry Waxman's deal with Blue Dogs, which offers public reimbursement at rates more friendly to the insurance industry. Suck City, but at least there's movement.

Now Arkansas Blue Dog Mike Ross says he won't support a public option, no way no how. Ross- who was pretty obviously paid off by a major pharmaceutical company last year - has welshed on the deal. So Pelosi has moved on, and reinserted the Medicare-pegged public option proviso. Fair's fair, right?


That's not how conservatives see it. "Pelosi backs away from deal with Blue Dogs," says the Hill. Da fuck? Nancy has "double-crossed" the Blue Dogs, according to the Weasel Zippers blog.

Am I missing something? Wasn't it Ross who pulled out of the deal? Why paint Pelosi as the heavy in this piece?

On a side note, the Weasel Zippers motto is "scouring the Bowels of the Internet so you Don't Have To." [Whimsical capitalization from the original.] What is it with conservatives and their anocentric imagery?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I say "Boris," you say "Yeltsin!"

This is one of the greatest goddamn anecdotes ever to emerge from the Clinton presidency. According to historian Taylor Branch:
Boris Yeltsin's late-night drinking during a visit to Washington in 1995 nearly created an international incident. The Russian president was staying at Blair House, the government guest quarters. Late at night, Clinton told Branch, Secret Service agents found Yeltsin clad only in his underwear, standing alone on Pennsylvania Avenue and trying to hail a cab. He wanted a pizza, he told them, his words slurring.
I miss you, Boris Nikolayevich. I hope they have vodka in heaven.

Monday, September 21, 2009

PLEASE let this be real!

Are you trying to scare me to death, Japan?

Just what the hell is the deal with this Pedo Bear robot? I'd rather have 100 of those metal skull Terminator things chase me than come within a mile of this nightmare. And this being Japan, you know they've already designed attachments for, like, flaming dildos and anal buzzsaws.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Masterpiece Theater

TRUFAX! This famed clip from Wife Swap is actually a prescient dramatic reenactment of the comments section to this Washington Post column on Michelle Obama's trip to the Vermont Avenue farmers market yesterday.



Oh, yeah, and hey, Dana Milbank: There's a sale on tampons this week at Giant. You might want to stock up.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Hey, Michelle Malkin!

I know you like to concern yourself with incidents of racially motivated violence, so I am sure you will want to alert your mouth-breathing readers to this incident:
The FBI is investigating the beating of an African-American woman by a white man at a Cracker Barrel restaurant as a possible hate crime.

It seems that one Mister Troy West, pictured, entered his local Cracker Barrel restaurant with more than a bit of swagger. And in the process, he nearly knocked over a little girl with the door. When the girl's mother asked the mullet-sporter to please show some care, "West became enraged and began to beat the victim in front of her 7-year-old daughter, according to police. [Assault victim Tasha] Hill said she told West she was an Army servicemember and she did not want any trouble." West also screamed a variety of racial epithets throughout the assault.

So a soldier in the United States Army - a woman who has pledged her life in defense of this country - is beaten senseless by a bloated, boozy, dimwit piece of shit, just because of her race. You'll be all over this story, right Michelle? Right??

Sure. As soon as you figure out how to turn a buck off it.

And that's what really turns my stomach. I don't believe Michelle Malkin honestly holds any of the opinions she espouses. She's made the cynical calculation that hysterical hatred is more profitable than any attempt to engage in rational conversation. I'd compare the work she does to prostitution, but I have too much respect for whores.

Fuck you, Michelle Malkin. Enjoy the company of drunk, racist fuckheads like Troy West, because those are the only people who can look at you with anything but contempt.

O SNAP! Lady GaGa's Mom Just Got PWND



It must be bizarro week in Georgia, because some totally rad shit is happening there right now. First Jimmy Carter tells it like it is, then a W.-appointee to a district court in muthafuckin' Columbus! bitchslaps birther queen O RLY? Taitz for another of her bullshit lawsuits.

FUCK YEAH!

This is my president! This man! This man right here!

[Fuck yeah, Gawker!]

Rough day at Fox News

Barack Obama called Kanye West a jackass. Which means that in order to trash the president, Bill O'Reilly must rise to Kanye West's defense.












And yesterday we learned that George W. Bush pronounced Sarah Palin "not even remotely prepared" for high office.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Happy 94th Birthday!


Guess what everybody! It's my boo Joe Barton's birthday today! Seriously, look at that flawless face. Homegirl obviously went tanning before that yearbook photo.

This particular Joe, however, hasn't done anything particularly lulzy of late, so at the moment we're left with the run-0f-the-mill teabaggy misinformation posted on the minority House Energy and Commerce Committee page and his own site.

Come back to the wingnut five-and-dime, Joey B., Joey B.!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Rhymes with "fuckery"

"I’m sad to report today a death of a good friend," mendacious twatwaffle Mike Huckabee writes on his blog. Oh no! It's not Merle Haggard or Little Debbie, is it?

Nah. "Journalism, the once esteemed 4th estate of our nation and the protector of our freedoms and a watchdog of our rights has passed away after a long struggle with a crippling and debilitating disease of acute dishonesty aggravated by advanced laziness and the loss of brain function."

So, the bigoted, racist, jug-band fundamentalist loon - who would happily have scuppered the teaching of evolution were he elected President! - is decrying a culture of laziness and loss of brain function? "If only," my buddy Pete says, "there were more fair and balanced news, put to song while the evangelical former governor of Arkansas played bass."

Lemon Party!


PLEASE help spread the word! The TRUTH about Obama MUST be heard!!!!

[h/t: Gerry]

Saturday, September 12, 2009

My fellow Americans

Flickr user NineTwelvePhotos is back from safari with images of the American Idiot (Homo craniogluetus americanus) in the wild.


Points for correct spelling, lady, but I think
you meant to write "African lion."
No charge.


Something something, ketchup,
Theresa Heinz Kerry. I'll come back
to this one later.


The Leather Man and the Construction Worker
don't look so good these days, either.


Yeah, yeah, Obama is Hitler, yawn. What really
pisses me off is the sign that dimwit on the ground
is holding: "A house divided against itself will fall!"
If you really feel that way, lady, how about you and
your asshole friends quit trying to tear down the
democratically elected (by, it is worth noting,
a fucking landslide) President of the United States?

Birthers, Deathers, and Tenthers, Oh My!

Wheeeeee! The manifestation of the low-information homophily that is Teh 9-12 ProjeKKKt waddled on into town this morning... and because I myself was waddling on down to Eastern Market, I decided to cut through the Mall and take some pictures:













Olds on Patrol!













Halloween apparently came early for this douchebag. Also, maybe he should stick to scribbling his posters out in pencil.













Home-school FAIL.













The preponderance of weak bladders was no surprise, given that the average age of these protesters was 437 years old.













Ah, now, this struck me as rather hilarious: all this bitching about how the guvmint needs to get out of health care, yet here was a public service on standby in the event some dumb fuck needed it. Nevermind the irony that this particular fire and emergency services department embodies a compelling argument for health care reform...













Obviously, whomever made this poster is both a fan of the font used in the opening credits of Rhoda and Susan Powter.













Like, OMG: Birthers are soooooooo last season.













Quick, look to the right: it's a P.U.M.A.! Yawn.













Looks like the dipshit hoisting this needs to add a stop here to his itinerary.













The site that these guys who are playing pwetty!-pwincess!-horsies!-carousel are advertising provides a moderate fount of lulz. It's a mix of tea-bagging, Paultardiness, and good ol' fashioned pyramid scheming.













A.K.A. "Braces (In Case the Genetics Fail)"













I love the parentheses, lest one think 1) Trig; or 2) that this person were a Monty Python fan.













Because, really, what's an extra 'n' between wingnuts, anyway?

Here's some extra useless information: it took about 20 minutes to cut through the crowd, and I'd guess there were about 100,000 people there... which means I expect there will be crowing from that neck of the woods about how there really was 500,000!!! or a million!!! but the MSM doesn't want you to know teh truths!!1!!(eleventy-one), or whatever.

And that was 'Murica! today.

This is only a test

Remain calm. All is well.


Friday, September 11, 2009

Hope vs. Hate

[I had wanted to say something about the horrible smear campaign Glenn Beck launched against the bright and talented Yosi Sergant. But my buddy Luke Wahl, who's lucky enough to call Sergant a friend, sums the story up better than I could. - John]

Hey, Glenn Beck. I hope you die in a fire, you unbelievable douche.

I used to dismiss Beck's mindless ranting as merely the moronic stammering of someone with the mental capacity of a badger on 'ludes. I didn't realize how dangerous, and maybe, powerful he was until his most recent bullshit attack took down a friend of mine.
Yosi Sergant was the man who essentially made Shepard Fairey's "Hope" poster happen. The iconic image of a campaign rooted in a movement for change and progressive thinking was born when Yosi got Shepard on board in January of 2008. They made the posters and handed them out at a rally at UCLA, and history was made. Yosi was without a doubt the ringleader of Obama's West Coast youth movement. A passionate, dedicated, thoughtful, energetic, articulate guy, Yosi rallied us all together and packed us on the Hope Express, non-stop to Washington. He was the movement.

After the election, Yosi got his dream job, working at the National Endowment for the Arts as a spokesman. It's the work he was born to do. A talented publicist, Yosi could take his passion for art and music and spread the gospel of not only the relevance of these things, but the necessity. He brought graf artists into the White House, he showed rappers around the rose garden. Yosi is the epitome of the administration's cool, educated vibe.

All of this went poof yesterday for Yos. A dream was clouded, and an innocence that belief and dedication is all that one needs to make change was lost. Maybe forever. This is because Glenn Beck called the NEA's "United We Serve" plan Nazi propaganda, and Yosi, who spoke on behalf of the initiative, a chief exporter of the goods. He called my friend out by name, and in order to stifle the story, Yosi was asked to resign.

I find this Nazi shit to be especially amusing because Yosi, who is as jewy as Schlomo McJewberggreengoldstein, has also been an inspiring force for Israel-Palestine peace. He is a dedicated, peaceful lover of Israel, and a man smart enough to see what needs to happen to ensure happiness in the country he loves. To call Yosi a Nazi is like calling Glenn Beck an American Hero. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Yosi remains at the NEA now, but the dream has been sullied. Hopefully Obama was the cause for his not being dismissed. I have to hope that he stepped in to save him. Frankly, if Barack let this man fall because of Glenn Beck, no matter how much outcry there may be from the right, then he is not the man I voted for.

I hope that something great comes out of this for Yosi. He is a truly wonderful American, and Glenn Beck should be ashamed for what he has done. Then again, shame is an emotion exclusive to humans, and I am not so sure Glenn is one. If you see him on the street, punch him in the balls for me.

Fuck you, Glenn.

[Image via Arrested Motion]

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dear Glenn Beck

You're hosting a big event in Washington tomorrow. An event at which you hope to recreate the spirit of September 12, 2001. You say you want your fellow Americans to feel the way they did on the day after the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center.

On September 11, 2001, I was living in lower Manhattan. I witnessed the destruction of the World Trade Center towers from a distance of about 15,000 feet.

I was a fucking zombie. When I was finally able to focus once again on my job I saw, walking to and from work, the heartbreaking handmade fliers taped to walls and polls and newspaper boxes begging for information about lost loved ones.

Eventually, I learned that a friend of mine had been killed on that awful day. A hero, who had run into the crash site to try to help people.

You want your fellow Americans to feel the way they did the day after 9/11, Glenn Beck? That's awful. I don't wish that on you. As vulgar and vicious and hateful as I think you are, I would never wish on you the kind of pain and confusion I felt that day and for so many days after.

If you would like to honor this country and the heroes who have ennobled it, please try shutting your fucking mouth.

Sean Hannity loves America, whores

Here's family values stalwart Sean Hannity, who bleated endlessly about Obama's supposed high-speed rail link between Disneyland and the Bunny Ranch, enjoying a little, uh, research.

[Thanks, Hoffkins!]

You can almost pity the schmuck

He sounds as if he's about to cry.

[Gracias a TMPTV!]

Just dropping by to say hi!

I guess all his Sons of Confederate Veterans buddies had the same idea. Oh well!

I'll keep trying.

[Thanks, Alex!]

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Rep. Joe Wilson is idiot, pussy

The Distinguished Hillbilly from South Carolina has just set a new land speed record for public apology after his childish outburst during President Obama's address to a joint session of Congress. "This evening I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President’s remarks regarding the coverage of illegal immigrants in the health care bill," Rep. Joe Wilson (R-Trailer Park) said. "While I disagree with the President’s statement, my comments were inappropriate and regrettable. I extend sincere apologies to the President for this lack of civility."

You know what? I might have some grudging respect for this cockslap if he were man enough to stand by his own assholishness. But no, he pussied out and, while he was at it, pulled that classic dick move, the fuck-you apology. "I disagree with the President's statement?" Read the goddamn bill, you horse's ass.

Honestly, South Carolina, if it weren't for Earl Duke's BBQ, I don't know why any reasonable person would have any use for your miserable shitstain state.

Wake up, Maggie

Giant lying butter-demon Maggie Gallagher went to Maine! But not for the reasons you'd expect, like bulk-discount savings at a lobster outlet or to snorf up blueberry pie until she looked like that girl from the Willy Wonka movie. Nah, Mags was there to rally against civil marriage equality for gay Americans. "Most of the people in Maine were enthusiastic," she wheezes, "but one clergyman asked me, 'Shouldn't we live with our neighbors in peace?'"

The question haunts Maggie: "Is using democracy to fight for shared values somehow an act of war against our neighbors?" Of course not, Fatso. But using a ballot measure to denigrate a segment of the population isn't democracy, it's mob rule. Too bad such a simple idea has to pass through so many layers of lard before it gets to your misshapen skull.

I'm being really lazy today

Here, watch this. And pass it on, would you?

[Thanks, Joe.My.God.]

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

"Know yer place, boy!"

President Obama better watch his uppity nigra mouth when he addresses Congress tomorrow night, according to Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Dixie):
"I think he's gonna have to express some humility based on what we've seen around the country this August and that's not his inclination."
Um, no, bitch. You're gonna have to go fuck yourself with a burning cross while jerking your Jimmy Dean sausage into the Confederate flag. Your side lost - lost big - in November, and instead of working for the common good, you whiny bitches have made embarrassing spectacles of yourselves by lying about proposals that would actually benefit your shoeless, inbred, snake-handling constituents. You want to do something useful? Go drink yourself to death.

Toilethomo alert!

We haven't had much toilethomo news here lately. With all the liars and crazies and boozy sadsacks crowding my browser, it's hard to keep up. But Pastor Steven L. Anderson looks very promising. Not only does this racist fuckhead hate President Obama and pray for his death, he also has what can only be described as an irrational preoccupation with men and their urinary habits. QED.

[Thanks, Pete!]

Point of information

This parody of an idiot Becktard afraid that President Obama would indoctrinate her children through his voodoo teevee school address is pretty funny.

I don't want to piss on the party or anything, but type 2 diabetes is the kind you get from Happy Meals. Juvenile is the Mary Tyler Moore kind.

[Thanks, Crooks and Liars!]

Friday, September 4, 2009

School daze

Because my every utterance is precious and must be preserved for the edification of generations yet unborn, here is a comment I left on the Washington Examiner's asinine editorial decrying President Obama's planned Tuesday address to the nation's school children:

This hysteria over a simple TV address would be laughable if it didn't signal the pathetic decline of what once had been a respectable party of serious ideas.

I don't recall any alarm bells when Ronald Reagan held a nationally televised Q&A with middle school students, in which he actually addressed military spending and his preposterous economic theories.

The conservative movement is being run into a ditch by semi-literate fundamentalist goons and gun-crazy bigots whose nuts ascend at the sight of a black man in a position of authority. Good luck to you all!

["I Eat Paste" t-shirt available here]

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Sure, why not?

Yevgeny Dzhugashvii is suing a Russian newspaper for more than 9.5 million roubles, claiming that a recent story damaged the good name of his grandfather, Josef Stalin.

Yes, that Josef Stalin.

I say go for it, tovarich. If that bellicose, hunchbacked, wet-brained papist freakshow Pat Buchanan can argue for the rehabilitation of Adolf Hitler's reputation and still keep his MSNBC gig, then all bets are off.

Hey, Twatlighters: Go Get: (1) Some Exercise; and (2) Laid

Back in my day, you sure-as-hell kept your cringe-worthy fangirldom strictly in a diary.

Nowadays, the kids set their paeans to quite possibly the worst books published in the last 25 years to an even blander beat and call themselves "The Bella Cullen Project."

The Neverending Stupid


At a recent town hall meeting in his home state, Sen. James Inhofe (R-OK) warned his lumpy, diabetic constituents that, "every institution that has made this country the greatest nation in the world is under attack," and that President Obama is disarming the United States military while "turning terrorists loose in America."

It is a familiar litany of demonstrably ham-fisted whoppers, told by a lying creep to a roomful of semi-literate hayseeds. The "disarming America" line is a reference to F-22 fighter jets, which military experts and members of both major parties agree are useless. "Turning terrorists loose?" He's talking about the closure of Guantanamo Bay and the transfer of remaining detainees. "There's never been a case of torture there," Inhofe lied. The attack of "every institution that had made this country great?" Jimbo wasn't specific, but it probably has something to do with faggots.

Oh, but good news! "More and more, with each month that goes by, more scientists agree with me" that global warming is a hoax, he crowed. Totally! Except for, you know, the ones who study science instead of the bible, and who don't regularly spread 'em for the oil industry.

Crazy! Get your fresh, hot crazy here!

Barack Obama rose above the difficult circumstances of his childhood to achieve wide acclaim and success.

You know who else did that? O. J. Simpson.

OMG! Barack Obama is going to kill somebody!

There, I just saved you the time and trouble of reading Erik Rush's World Net Daily column. Rush is a frequent guest panelist on beefy loudmouth Sean Hannity's show, and is the author of Annexing Mexico: Solving the Border Problem Through Annexation and Assimilation.

So, yeah. Insane clown, no posse.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Maggie Gallagher Probably Just Creamed Her Pants Right Now


OMG, YAY! Curt (GOP Schill)ing might-sorta-maybe enter January's Massachusetts senate race. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!










*Actual picture of Curt Schilling's ankle in the '04 post-season.

It's so hard to pick a favorite


Facebook user Jonathan Ligon curates a small but growing album of Morons Holding Signs. It's a tough decision, but I think this pic is my favorite so far.

Randall Terry needs to read a goddamn book

Operation Rescue jackass Randall Terry promises to "make life miserable" for Congress as members returning from August recess. "We will not go peacefully into the good night," he brays to the asswipe Washington Times.

Hey asshole, the line is "Do not go gentle into that good night." Eh, but he's probably quoting that shitty fried abortion of a movie Independence Day. And even in that case, he got it wrong. What am I doing, thinking a pussy like Terry had ever heard of Dylan Thomas?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Judd Gregg is feeling "not so fresh"

Senator Judd Gregg (R-NH) has a brace of procedural objections at the ready should his Democratic colleagues attempt to ram through a health care reform bill on the strength of a simple majority.

Okay, fair enough. The guy doesn't like the filibuster, and honestly believes that 51 votes are not enough to pass legislation in the senior and presumably more dignified house of Congress.

Yeah, except no. When his party wanted to drill for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in 2005, this dust-farting double-dealer argued, "if you have 51 votes for your position, you win."

So from flip-flopping on cloture to flipping the President the bird, you can pull any perfidious horseshit you want as long as you're a Republican.

Let Senator Gregg know exactly how you feel about him. Send a sample of the consumer product that best exemplifies his professional comportment to his Senate office:

Senator Judd Gregg
201 Russell Senate Office Bldg
Washington, DC 20510
(202) 224-3324

The lighter side of Lynn Jenkins

Sure, you could easily dismiss Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-KS) as a yammering racist dolt for her recent comments about a "great white hope" to challenge President Obama in 2012. But remember, she's human. She enjoys a good laugh, just like you.

Unfortunately, the toothy, perky, spray-tanned bobo likes to laugh at poor people. At a recent town hall meeting, Jenkins met Elizabeth Smith, a 27-year-old single mom whose restaurant job puts her just out of the Medicaid income range, and whose little boy doesn't qualify for SCHIP coverage. "I work full-time," Ms. Smith explained. "I do not have health insurance. My employer does not provide health insurance to me and I cannot afford it privately. Why shouldn't my government guarantee all of its citizens health care?"

I'm paraphrasing here, but the Congresswoman's response went something like, "LOL! You Poor! Go be a grownup!"