Jason Buhrmester sucks

So this good friend of mine, Jason Buhrmester, has written this hilarious and fantastic sorta-true crime novel, Black Dogs. You should buy it and read it and recommend it to your friends, because I need to count on Jason as one of many friends in whose pool house I can one day live.

But you know what? Fuck him. He started this Twitter profile, protesting all the while that his publisher forced him into it.

I bought it at first. He'd broadcast a book signing or something, the same way movie stars are contractually obligated to do talk shows in support of their new projects. It's not as if he actually wanted to blather on about the minutiae of his stupid life. Strictly business.

And then he did this (click to embiggen)



Whether it's sweet potato fries, oaky Chards or bagels, Buhrmester, you don't Tweet about what you're currently consuming. You've become an SNL caricature of yourself! You have transgressed the unwritten law against narcissistic Twitter douchebaggery!

For shame.

The New World Order's Always After Me Looky Chairms!

Ten years ago, LOLprechaun Jim Corr did two things: 1) made elevator music with his sisters;



and 2) proved that the looks in that family were not carried on the Y-chromosome.

Nowadays, he's a dumb fuck of the Larouchian persuasion, peddling JFK/9-11/7-7 trutherisms on his eponymous blog and professing an expertise in climate change that would make Sen. James Inhofe proud.

Michelle Bachmann's health care reform ideas

"Back in September during an address to a joint session of Congress, President Obama said his office would always be open to Republicans who wanted to present ideas on health care reform," crazy dimwit Michelle Bachmann recalls at Town Hall. "I wrote the President to present my alternatives and request time with the President to discuss them."

Shithead thinks it was all just a movie

Speaking to a bunch of rich Canadian assholes, Our Worst President admitted that there were one or two things he wished he hadn't done (HuffPo):

While Bush's speech was mostly eloquent and free of the language gaffes he admits he is famous for, he said he regretted appearing in front of a "Mission Impossible" sign during a televised address in 2003. The controversial banner referring to the U.S. mission in Iraq, actually said "Mission Accomplished."

Diapers McWhorelover ducks a question

Masala Goober and Senator Mary Lying Shitstain Landrieu have each had the common sense, and common decency, to publicly denounce Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell for his refusal to marry an interracial couple.

But for Louisiana's Republican Senator and diaper enthusiast, David Vitter? Mum's the word:

Republicans suck in new and awesome ways

Liberals and progressives tend to be a little handier with the Google and the series of tubes than their conservative friends. It's just one of those things, like how Jews are good with money.

Some Connecticut Republicans saw a teachable moment in last November's spanking, and embraced the two-point-ohness of web-based communications. Unfortunately, they did it in one of the most dickish ways possible, creating fake Twitter profiles and web sites mocking their Democratic opponents. Yes, really.

Twitter, Inc. shut down the fake profiles when they learned about the scam, but the Nutmegger GOP continues to operate the bogus web sites. "I'm not quite sure what the issue is," huffed Connecticut GOP chairman and convicted drunk driver Chris Healy, "other than that the Democrats were successful in stopping free speech."

Yeah, no. See, Chris, the First Amendment protects the speech of private citizens from interference by the government. This shit you and your buddies are doing? That's libel, and it carries with it a tort liability. In other words, you violated Twitter's terms of service, and the victims of this dopey prank could haul your booze-bloated ass into court.

Republicans, on the whole, seem kinda hazy about this whole free-speech thing. See also Palin, Sarah.

Drink up, champ!

[Gracias a Stop All Monsters]

Had we but face enough, and palm

Remember that time Rush Limbaugh wasn't allowed to buy the St. Louis Rams because he's a huge horrible racist fuck? Selwyn Duke says that was just like a lynching. No really. He actually used that word.

Let the NAACP's Hilary Shelton break it down: “Lynching was one of the earliest forms of domestic terrorism. Not only was it used to wreak havoc and fear, but to kill. It was used to send a chill to other African-Americans. Whatever is happening to Rush Limbaugh, it certainly is overly inflammatory to call this a lynching.”

Right. But that aside... show me a tree branch anywhere on this earth that could support Limbaugh's obscenely elephantine bulk. Your argument is both invalid and impractical, Mr. Selwyn.

[Selwyn illo stolen from Urbaniak]

Al Franken drops some Econ 101 knowledge on a Hudson Institute PR bunny

I think I might blow this guy.

It's the liquor talking

Faggots and heathens are destroying western civilization! That is an only slightly more hysterical version of alkie shitsack Bill Donohue's "On Faith" editorial for the Washington Post.

Donohue is president of the Catholic League, a sad fanfic knockoff of that secret mackerel snapper splinter cell in The DaVinci Code. Near as anybody can figure, the whole operation consists of this malformed fatty, a phone and a hot plate. That the Post would give this unhinged blowhard a platform is another example of that paper's pathetic decline. Check this out:

"Sexual libertines, from the Marquis de Sade to radical gay activists, have sought to pervert society by acting out on their own perversions. What motivates them most of all is a pathological hatred of Christianity."

Look, lardass, no rational person gives two shits about your imaginary friend or your super-awesome boy-rape club. Did you ever consider that forcing your fellow Americans to accept your own narrow view of a shopworn fairy tale, written by bloodthirsty primitives in a dusty shithole thousands of years ago, is kinda sorta inherently unconstitutional?

No, of course you didn't. Dominus vobiscum, fuckface.

[Thanks, Instaputz!]

Down to earth

Rep. John Shadegg proves Dean Wormer wrong!

Apparently fat, drunk and stupid is a perfectly viable way to go through life.

John Boehner: Liar? Idiot? Both?

Burnt-sienna House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Someplace Sunny) is toeing the Religious Right line. Shocker, I know. But the Distinguished Gentleman has busted out a fresh can of industrial-strength stupid in his objection to House passage of a bill that would expand hate crime laws to include sexual orientation and gender identity.

Through spokesman Kevin Smith (no, not the fat one), Boehner said that he supports current legislation, which offers protections based on race, religion and national origin: "protections based on immutable characteristics," as Smith explained.

So religion is an immutable characteristic, but sexual orientation is not. So says the man with a face like a Boston Market turkey breast.

I'm not saying that all Republicans are scumbags

I'm just saying that if you're a scumbag, you're almost certainly a Republican.

Attention: The 12 People Who Still Watch Nip/Tuck

Please be advised that that one dude with the weird American accent was once married to Dannnnniiiiiiiiii Minogue. Here is video proof*:



*You Are Hated is not responsible for any resulting hysterical blindness or deafness, or all the dogs barking in your neighborhood.

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N!

Two-thirds of the Hate Bureau will be off on foolishly wonderful pleasure jaunts for the next week or so. Apologies for the scant posts. I'm running out the door right now, but... er, Glenn Beck is a freakshow, Mike Huckabee is a dimwit, Maggie Gallagher is a fat bucket of dumb, the pope is a drag queen, shit fuck piss. I'll send you a postcard!

He should change his name to Enola Gay

Holy shit. I have seen comics bomb before, but this is off the meter. It's actually painful to watch.

Judge Napolitano calls marijuana "the cutting edge of medicine"

I agree with the Fox News Channel. I feel dirty.

[Thanks, Hoffkins!]

I'd like to think that this is a very clever joke

But it's probably not. See, the First Amendment prohibits the government's interference with citizens' speech. So if that right really had been abridged, we woulnd't see billboards like this. Sadly, I'm pretty sure that is way over the head of the twunts who put this thing up.

And as for the Second Amendment? Oh, go fuck yourself. Guns are for pussies.