Happy Thanksgiving!

Most people see this holiday as an occasion to, well, give thanks. But at National Review Online, it's just another excuse to be a total cock. Take smelly hambeast Lucianne Goldberg, for example. She starts off well enough, with insincere rich-bitch populist cant about the "large, strong, loving heart of the average American." Okay fine. Nobody believes for a second that you even know anybody within spitting distance of the poverty line, but what the hell. It's a holiday.

But then she just had to go all teabagger: "It is also a tolerant, forgiving, and gracious heart. But there are limits to how far it can be assaulted... As we pause, heads bowed, to give thanks for all we have and all we are, let’s remember to enjoy it, for it may be the last quiet moment we will have for some time."

You want quiet, fatso? Then how about you and your dumb fat kid quit scaring rubes with made-up shit about liberal Nazis, secret Kenyans and government-run health care. And then go choke on a ham.

Dick ahoy!

If the National Review cruise crowd isn't shrill and stupid enough for you, climb aboard the S.S. Newsmax. She be yare and seaworthy, arr.






This ocean-going sausage party is run by the same shop that does the NR cruise - the Newsmax boat is for people even Charles Krauthammer finds too delusional to roll with. But hey, good news! Short-fingered fabulist Dick "Dick" Morris appears on both manifests. What won't this gravy-guzzling windbag do for a free dinner?

I think I'd kill myself about five minutes into this trip.

Rapity rape-rape!

This very lazy Friday afternoon post has been brought to you by the good people of Media Matters.

Tan-tastic!

So what's John Boehner doing with his time instead of working to find some common ground with Democrats on health care reform or a way out of the economic mess his party created for us? Bitching about local issues in a state he doesn't even represent:

The California Energy Commission voted recently to prohibit the sale of certain TV sets. Personally, I don't care one way or the other about this, except to note with pleasure that it seems to have pissed off some greedy racist fucks in Orange County. But no matter what, Boehner (R-OH) doesn't have a dog in this fight. Right?

Not if his Twitter is to be believed! "The nanny state strikes again!" he harumphs.

Hey, shithead - isn't there some pressing federal business you could tend to?

Michael Bay must be stopped

This is a 100% real ad currently appearing in Los Angeles daily trades.



I mean, fuck you. Right?

If you ever hear me complain about anything in my life, ever again, just hit me

Manny Pacquiao ran away from home at the age of 14 because his father ate the family dog.

Ate. The family. Dog.

TRUFAX

Big-ass beards are Al-Qaeda's version of the FGAS.

You really want to go down this road, lady?

Sarah Palin says you should be judged by the company you keep. In reference to President Obama's relationship with controversial pastor Jeremiah Wright, the filthy grifter told ABC News:

"I think it's unfortunate that too many people in politics right now want to be so politically correct, that they dare not question a person's associations... because they would fear that they would be called a racist? That's that political correctness that's going to do our country in, and I, I don't subscribe to that."

This from a broad whose husband is a secessionist. Whose daughter is basically Kourtney Kardashian without money and a big dumper. Whose grandchild was fathered by a gay pinup. And who was very nearly related by marriage through that shirtless dimwit to a meth head.

Bring it.

Is blackmail now a sacrament?

I don't know why I'm surprised to see the Catholic Church acting like a criminal shakedown operation. But this is really sickening.

The District of Columbia's city council is considering a bill that would grant civil marriage equality to gay and lesbian couples. And the Archdiocese of Washington has warned that it will discontinue its social services if the law is adopted.

We're approaching winter in the middle of a nationwide economic crisis. And these pious child-fuckers would stop feeding and clothing the homeless if two people who love each other can get married.

But guess what? This creepy old queen, the Archbishop of Washington, holds a doctorate in sacred theology. The abbreviation for that is S.T.D.

So, yeah. A little lulz amid the outrage.

Get bent

Yeah, so Barack Obama bowed to the emperor of Japan. And just like when he greeted the swarthy little king of Saudi Arabia, the conservative Obama-hating blogosphere is pinching a collective outrage loaf. "No American President Ever Bowed to a Foreign Leader," huffs Newsmax. Okay, that's just factually incorrect.

But what really kills me is this: The Republican party is increasingly a semi-literate rump cadre of inbred moonshiners. Yet they're all preoccupied with etiquette. I just think that's funny.

I Don't Get Why Everybody Keeps Jizzing Their Pants

For the dance breaks in this new Orly Taitz video. It's just this year's "Rhythm Nation" cross-bred with that volleyball from Cast Away:





Seriously, people, calm the fuck down.

And now for the creepiest fucking song ever:

Wikipedia vandalism is fun

Yeah, so, Rhode Island Governor Donald Carcieri vetoed a legislative measure that would have allowed domestic partners to make each others' funeral arrangements. Dick move.

I don't know much about the guy, apart from a reasonable surmise that, given his Mediterranean surname, he is probably mobbed up. Here's what the Google told me about him:


(click to embiggen)

The good people of Wikipediapolis have since corrected the linked entry. But, yeah. Lulz. Eat shit, Carcieri.

Pat Robertson is worried

Commenting on the recent tragedy at Fort Hood, superannuated fundie scumbag Pat Robertson says Islam is "not a religion, it's a political system, a violent political system bent on the overthrow of the governments of the world and -- and -- and world domination. That is the ultimate aim."



This from the guy who believes that "Christians are the only ones really - and Jewish people, those who trust the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob - are the only ones that are qualified to have the reign, because hopefully, they will be governed by God and submitted to him."

And not for nothing, but you just know it pains him to his stinking racist hillbilly core to say that Jews are equal to Christians. It's because Israel figures in some wacky end-times fantasy he and his fellow snake handlers harbor.

Me, I hold no such prejudices. No matter what faith you profess, it's a silly crutch for weak and fearful idiots. Grow the fuck up.

If You're Still Slobbering All Over Ronald Reagan's Taint...

...then you still believe the hilariously simplistic construct that he-- and he ALONE!! (eleventy-one)-- was responsible for the fall of the Berlin Wall, like this assclown over at Red State. Astute readers will notice the utter lack of Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and, most glaringly, Poland in this fucknozzle's encomium to a history that wasn't exactly so.

I mean, Jesus H. Christ, you'd think that this moron would manage to at least mention JP2. But, alas, he was technically a hold-over from the Carter Administration, so no dice, hippies.

But who really gives a fuck... the Hoff was the real winner! Yeah!

John Hawkins is a horrible fat racist prick

In the ever-temperate Right Wing News, Shamu Jr. opines, "had Nidal Hasan been a Christian or a Hindu or a Buddhist or an atheist, it seems unlikely that he would have gone on a murderous rampage."

Yeah, totally. Christians are absolute peace-lovers. Especially American fundamentalists.

In other news, I just found this item, naming Hawkins one of the 10 Hottest Right-of-Center Dudes in New Media. Words fail.

Diddle Your Cooch

I secretly adore the Winter Olympics, particularly as an adult, because it provides a ready excuse to extend the sedentary binge-drinking wrought by football season well into February (how the hell else are you expected to watch the Nordic Combined except under such conditions?). Plus, the Winter Olympics don't pull anywhere near the level of emotional blackmail on you as the Summer Olympics do... you know, when you find yourself sniffling at the television for your wasted youth and lack of fast-twitch muscle fibers and any sense of discipline*.

Anyway, this dude better be in Vancouver not just because he's a rad skier, but because he has a hilariously inappropriate name in the Joycean sense:



And it's likely that this queef will be there, too, who basically just throws crippled-ass shade as his mullet jumps around the rink:



And he stole your mom's headband, too:











That's why I hope Nobunari Oda beats Plushenko's oligarchic ass, if for nothing else than for the fact that dude skated to the soundtrack to Super Mario Bros. 2 in competition a while back:



*=Yes, I hate myself.

Om NOM nom nom nom

"The $4 million spent to pass gay marriage in Maine was wasted," says the National Organization for Marriage's Maggie Gallagher. "Even Americans in liberal states do not believe that two guys pledged to a gay union are a marriage."

In an opinion piece for Real Clear Politics, the lying horrible butterbigot joked that "Politicians can pass a bill saying a chicken is a duck and that doesn't make it true."

And then she got that faraway look in her eyes. "Mmmm, chicken," she burbled. "Me want fried chicken. And cake. Lots of cake! Bwaawwww! Splut! FEED ME! FEED ME! FEED ME!"

This really happened.

He's right. Those warrantless wiretaps ain't shit compared to affordable insurance

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Someplace Really Really Sunny) says that the health care reform bill currently before Congress - not the Republican one, but the one that actually would help people - is "the greatest threat to freedom" that he has seen.

I know, right?

I get the feeling that a certain Yahoo News photo editor isn't exactly a fan of Chris Christie

Oh, well. Congratulations to the governor-elect anyway.

Freepin' On Empty

Really? An online tard-fight has broken out about whether or not Meb Keflezighi is American enough to be the first American to win the New York Marathon in nearly 30 years? Really?

<facepalm>