Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year!

Rush Limbaugh is dying, Michelle Bachmann is a cocksucker, and Ann Coulter still needs a kick in the box. Evs. I'm spending this New Year's Eve on a post-root canal Vicodin cloud, and all I want to look at right now is some monkeys playing with Jell-O. Happy and healthy and so on to all!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT YOU ARE HATED!

We have just received this image of a comment left by Shoe Bomber Richard Reid, on Underwear Bomber Farouk Abdul Mutallab's Facebook page:

Back on the market: One horrible piece of shit

It's always sad when a marriage ends in divorce. You shouldn't ever make light of such a personal crisis. Eh, but fuck it. It's Karl Rove. That ratfucker could drown in his own filth for all I care.

[Huffpo:]
Spokeswoman Dana Perino said, "Karl Rove and his wife, Darby, were granted a divorce last week. The couple came to the decision mutually and amicably, and they maintain a close relationship and a strong friendship. There will be no further comment and the family requests that its privacy be respected."

Ha ha, you suck at traditional marriage, Fatty! Now you're free to spend more time getting pissed on by ex-cons. Or whatever it is you do in secret. I bet it's that. Yeah, it's either ex-con golden showers, or he dresses up in a dirndl and drinks diarrhea out of a martini glass. Dude. That is some sick shit. I can't believe people would even think of that, let alone be into it. Jeez, Rove. Get help.

Bonus ROFL: "Spokeswoman Dana Perino?" She went from White House press secretary to cleaning up after this bald-headed scat queen? Holy crap, lady. Have a little dignity. Go wait tables or something.

Monday, December 28, 2009

BUNNING IN 2012

The Hate Bureau is not in the practice of offering political endorsements. As a rule, we remain serenely above the fray. We offer only commentary. Insight. Jokes about fat people.

But never have we encountered a public servant who so clearly embodied the ideals of his party as we have now. And it is for this reason that we must break with ancient tradition and say that we support Jim Bunning for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination.

Bunning bravely skipped a Christmas Eve procedural vote on the Senate health care reform bill. He has eschewed the vulgar spectacles of democracy 21 times this month - once more often than 92-year-old Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV), who battles chronic flatulence.

This is what makes Bunning the ideal Republican candidate: He's a rich, lazy, white prick in a job for which he's laughably unqualified, and which he treats with contempt.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Mea culpa, and WTF?

Okay, full disclosure: I have used the word "tranny." To be honest, I just didn't get that it could be a really hurtful label. I'm hip now, and I'm trying to be better. I'm going to remove all instances of it from this blog. (But until I do, you can probably find them by searching for the tag "Michelle Bachmann.")

So I should probably give Right Girl the same benefit of the doubt: Maybe she isn't aware that "tranny" is as bad as, say, "nigger" or "faggot." (The bad part of me is still giddy that I get to use these words in the service of a legitimate argument.) Right Girl is on Twitter, where her bio reads, "Conservative. Sexy. Pearls." And she recently shared this:



Again, let's not rush to judgment. Maybe Right Girl didn't mean to be so inflammatory.

But let me offer this observation. This is what Right Girl looks like:


I know, right? This broad is the cure for boners. And she's knocking transgendered people?

Get a fucking mirror, Garbageface.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

This can't be real! This can't be real!

Can this be real?


Tom Coburn told his cousin-fucking constituents to pray that a Democrat would miss the recent procedural vote enabling the Senate health care reform bill to proceed. But, as The Monkey's Paw and any of a bazillion other cautionary tales can warn you, be careful what you wish for! See, James Inhofe missed the vote. And this teabagger tearfully calls C-SPAN wondering if he might have accidentally killed Inhofe in a bit of theological friendly fire.

This... I... wow. Just wow.

[Balloon Juice via DJ Enki]

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Time to update my files

The Washington, D. C. City Council voted overwhelmingly in favor of civil marriage equality the other day, and Mayor Fenty has said he will sign the bill into law. Congress has 30 days to revoke the law if they so choose, but nobody would pull such a fuckhead move, right?

Say hello to Rep. Jason Chaffetz of Utah. This Mormon convert is the son (by a previous marriage) of Kitty Dukakis, which explains what looks like craniofacial deformity due to fetal alcohol syndrome. And he has vowed to fight this dangerous example of fairness.

Wonkette has more background on the guy, if you still need convincing. But I'm more than confident in my assessment of Chaffetz as a textbook toilethomo.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Hey, you know that Republican asshat who has to punch women to get a boner?


Sure, Rod Jetton beats women unconscious because it turns him on. But it's not like he's some kind of weirdo:

Rod Jetton, the former Missouri House Speaker, fired a state lawmaker from his committee chairmanship in 2007 because the lawmaker had changed a bill in order to end a state ban on gay sex -- or what Jetton called "deviate sexual intercourse."

Jetton added: "I have fought attempts by liberals to repeal the gay sex ban for years."
(Friendly aside to Miss Jetton: The word you want is deviant, not deviate. One's an adjective, the other's a verb. God, you even suck at being a pervert.)

Monday, December 7, 2009

Ixnay on the omohay, Rod! People will talk

You gays! Just who do you think you are? Rod Dreher is wise to your blasphemous homo hijinks, and he is not laughing!

The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network is having a fundraiser in New York City tomorrow night. The evening's entertainment is Santa Claus is Coming Out, a "theatrical mock-u-mentary" about Old Noel and his longtime companion, Giovanni Gepetto.

Or, as Rod puts it, "Santa Claus sodomizing Pinocchio's father." See, because whenever affection between two people of the same sex is mentioned, it ineluctably follows (in Rod's mind) that there will be torrid, greasy, wild-eyed bungholery right there, on stage, to sicken nuns and veterans. Just like a Christmas card of Santa and Mrs. Claus kissing under the mistletoe means he's immediately gonna come down her chimney.

It's been pointed out elsewhere that this marks Rod's 70th post labeled "homosexuality" - an average of about two a week - since his March 25th denial of any "fixation" on gays. Just saying.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Maggie's feelings are hurt

Snuffling pork-dragon Maggie Gallagher (pictured) was all excited about the NY Senate's shitheaded rejection of civil marriage equality. "This is a huge victory," she yowled at National Review Online.

But you know Maggie. Her moods swing as violently as her blood sugar. Not content to see gay people publicly crapped on, just a paragraph later she whined that "many senators suggested people who see marriage as a male-female union are like slave owners or segregationists." Aw nuts! You mean you can't single out a segment of the population for second-class status and not be called a bigot? What is this world coming to?

"This kind of disrespectful treatment of diverse views on gay marriage really needs to stop," she bleated. "Now. Today." Oh shit! She's for serious!

Look, butter-blood: diverse views are great. Believe, think, say whatever you want about "two dudes" shacking up. But spending millions to legislate any diversity out of existence is horseshit. Go have some pudding or something.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Hey baby I hear the blues a-callin', tossed salads...

Balding alkie hambone Kelsey Grammer is going to star in a revival of La Cage Aux Folles on Broadway. That's the musical about transvestites. Whatever. I saw this puffy hack play Macbeth a few years ago. Best nap I've ever had.

But you know what? Fuck this guy. He contributed to the Bush-Cheney campaign. In 2004. That's right: He helped those two freedom-raping war criminals get reelected.

I will take my haggard-old-drag-queen-entertainment business elsewhere, thank you.