Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Don't mess with Texas!

Homegirl had best get to look at her stories, and pronto!




Texas, y'all!

Just fucking secede, already, would you?

THE INDOCTRINATION HAS BEGUN!

Michelle Guevara Communist Jihad Obama is browbeating children into torturous compulsory Islamofascist exercise regimens! WHY CAN'T THESE LITTLE PATRIOTS ENJOY THEIR HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP AND PORK-RIND SMOOTHIES IN PEACE AS OUR CHRISTIAN FOUNDING FATHERS INTENDED?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

BREAKING! TOILETHOMO UPDATE!


So, this gentleman, one Gary McCullough, believes that lesbianism is sinking American Idol:

"DeGeneres' 'Yes, I have loved a woman,' comment from the May 11th show, was the most obvious lesbian-one-liner, but it wasn't the only one, and it is hurting the show's ratings. I can hear the bloggers loading their homophobe-blasters, but think this through with me. If one of the judges was an abortion activist, or a political right winger -- and continued to insert comments in line with their activism -- the same criticism would be true, and the show would suffer. The advice, 'Shut up and sing!' comes to mind."

But the real issue here is, what's this guy doing watching American Idol in the first place? That show is gayer than a Sondheim song about cum on a mustache. He couldn't possibly be... you know...

Well, let's look at Miss McCullough's bio:

Musician . . . toured as guitar player with Up With People.

Activist . . . went to work for the anti-abortion group Operation Rescue in 1989. Arranged interviews for jailed cell-mates by keeping details of media interview times and phone numbers written with soap on his jail cell's concrete floor.
Hates gays... Up With People... Cell-mate... soap... floor

My work here is done.

[Hat tip: Pajiba, via eagle-eyed Hate operative Nick Starkey]

Monday, May 17, 2010

Shrill, baby, shrill

Sarah Palin has had it up to her perky little nose with all this egghead horse-hockey about "environmental impact studies" and whatnot:
"After inheriting a good pro-development GOP plan that opened up both coasts for drilling, the Obama administration halted development ... and now we're gonna study, more study of the South Atlantic and parts of the Gulf of Mexico ... my goodness, folks, these areas have been studied to death ... I have seen so many, many studies!"


This stupid, stupid, stupid, lazy, stupid bitch has "seen so many studies?" She can't read so much as a Carl's Jr. menu without moving her lips and she wants you to believe she's up on the latest research about available oil resources.

"What sort of studies have you seen, Governor?"

"Oh, all of them. "

Friday, May 14, 2010

Guns are for pussies

Eat shit, NRA. Homeboy's got a knife!

Worst. Booth babe. Ever.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Red Ted Redemption

Yeah, so, Ted Haggard spit the dick out long enough to open a new Salvation Hut, whoopee. I don't have anything to add that's funnier/more depressing than this crazy sap's real life, but my buddy Casey sent me this picture and I wanted to share.

(I know, that headline doesn't really make sense. I had brisket for lunch and I'm sleepy.)

Papal bullshit

Big Ben's Rapin' Road Show landed in Fatima, Portugal this week, on the 93rd anniversary of that one time these three kids saw a the Virgin Mary in a UFO. But instead of dropping some Dan Brown shit like a good entertainer should, Pope Nazi Palpatine Boy-Rape the First instead called civil marriage equality for same-sex couples one of "the most insidious and dangerous" threats facing the world today. Yawn.

Whatever, flogging the back catalog, he's just phoning it in at this point. Well, at least he still knows how to work a local crowd: "We would be mistaken to think that Fatima's prophetic mission is complete," Benzo insisted. Wassup, Fatima? Are you ready to rock?

Okay, if prophecy is real, maybe you could hook a brother up with some Lotto numbers?

"The term 'prophetic' doesn't mean an announcement of concrete facts that one sees in a crystal ball," explained Vatican spokesman Rev. Federico Lombardi, "but rather knowing how to read history and events in the light of faith."

And a magician never reveals his secrets. Pass the woofle dust.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Friday, May 7, 2010

Seriously, Wonder Woman?



Jesus. And people think Aquaman is lame.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Rush Hudson Limbaugh III

Here are two facts:
Rush Limbaugh lies as easily as he pops chocolate-frosted Oxycontin tablets into his gargantuan maw.
Rush Limbaugh lies as easily as he enjoys sex vacations in Third World countries.
Rush Limbaugh lies as easily as gravity would pull his elephantine bulk to the ground should he ever - please God!** - fall off a fucking cliff.

*Dude's not a registered anything.

**Friendly aside to God: Hey pal. I know we've had our differences of opinion over, like, your existence and shit. But seriously. If you could arrange for Rush Limbaugh to fall off a fucking cliff, I'd be prepared to talk deal. Everything but celibacy and sobriety are on the table. You have my number.

Are oh eff ell em ay oh



"Is there anything more quintessentially American than grassroots political activism?" Jeffrey Milyo at Pajamas Media asks. "From colonial pamphleteers to abolitionists and suffragettes... up to the modern day tea party rallies... "

Some days this thing writes itself. That being the case, you think I'd post more often, huh? But, nah. Sorry! It's just too sunny outside.