Thursday, June 24, 2010

Seriously, fuck these people




So, Five Thirty-Eight broke it down harsh-wise for my fellow Americans on the right: "For the GOP... things look grim, in large part because the country is becoming less white and more educated." Boom.

And honestly, I want to feel sorry for dumb white people. The world is changing, and it must be scary to feel you can't keep up. Maybe we ought to be more compassionate.

And then I read shit like this, over at Fox Nation, and I remember: Oh, yeah. They're just mean-spirited illiterate fuckwads who deserve nothing but the worst the world can offer.

What happened was, Home Depot began setting up crafts booths at gay pride events around the country. Kinda nice if you're a kid whose gay dads or lesbian moms are having fun while you're bored, right? Well, that's not how the World Nut Daily saw it. They pissed and farted in their patented paranoid cockslap style. And yeah, they went for the "Homo Depot" gag in the headline. (Seriously? What grade are we in?)

So then Uncle Rupert's Anger Bear Jamboree picked the story up, opening the floor for comments. Comments like:


Huh? And:


Lulz. And oh, yeah:

To conclude: Not all conservatives are assholes. But if you're an asshole, you're probably a conservative.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Earth tones are IN!

Fashion-challenged vigilantes will feel tres embarrassed if they step out in last season's colors. Neo-Nazis J.T. Ready and Harry Hughes have issued an ACTION ALERT to patrol the Arizona border for illegal Muslims:

"Camouflage or earth tone clothing [is] preferred," according to the announcement. "Bandanas, balaclavas, or other identity concealing items are permissible and encouraged."

Identity concealment... you mean like a masked ball? How fun!

Olympics Subtly Lure Tots Into Paganism's Embrace

Only four months after the closing ceremonies, Conservative Outpost commentator Frederick Meekins weighs in on the Vancouver Winter Olympics. Is he still smarting from the shellacking Crosby and Co. gave the US hockey team? Nooo. The issue is far weightier - nothing less than the immortal souls of our impressionable, molestable children!


"The 1984 Olympics held in Los Angeles were represented by Sam the Olympian, a bald eagle clad in red, white, and blue which alluded to Uncle Sam and the highest ideals of the American people," the marble-mouthed goober observes. But in Vancouver, young viewers are lured down the primrose path by a tattooed Sasquatch, a mystical sea bear perhaps created by some "deranged geneticist just for the Sheol of it," and "a mishmashed critter that likes to cross dress."

As with any Meekins effort, you really need to read the whole thing to appreciate it. I even lifted the headline from the original, because I couldn't come up with anything wackier. This man is a national treasure.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Perry v. Schwarzenegger

As California's Prop 8 trial ends, I'm moved to observe that Maggie Gallagher of the National Organization for Marriage is a misshapen mountain of grease, hatred and Pringles crumbs whose life's work is a repulsive and un-American campaign of harassment against people whose asses she isn't worthy to lick. If she fell in your pool, you'd be skimming cunt for a month. I hope she meets the business end of a Japanese whaler. Fat fucking bitch.

Also, WTF about taking your shoes off in the courtroom? Jesus, lady, people are trying to breathe in that place and you're airing out your sweaty fat Flintstone feet? BARF. Fuck off and die, you lardy horrible shitsack.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Just out of curiosity

I checked to see if Rush Limbaugh is still the most despicable human being ever to draw oxygen. Yup!


This bloated caricature of greedhead, fuck-you, me-first excess is actually mocking poor kids. Telling them that their kitchens are full of Ding Dongs and chips and dip. And if the kitchen's empty, go to McDonald's. And if they can't afford that, eat out of a fucking dumpster.

Of course, there must be poor children in this world if this cancerous sex tourist is to get his rocks off. Without Viagra and underage, underprivileged Dominican boys, lil Rush would never get past half-mast.

I'm only sorry there isn't a hell for this waddling grotesquerie to go to when he finally croaks.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The world according to Victoria Jackson

From Tubby McFailscam's Fat Hollywood:
"In my 20’s, Reagan was President. I felt secure. I didn’t have to vote. The middle aged people had handled that for me. I did a handstand on the SNL Update desk to celebrate Reagan’s trip to Rejeivich. He went there, ended Communism, and tore down the Berlin Wall with his charm, courage and deployment of Pershing and cruise missiles in Europe. That’s my President. I am safe."
And then she personally voted Bill Clinton out of office after his second term and helped George W. Bush move into the White House and she didn't have to vote again until OH MY GOD IT'S A BLACK!

The Butter-Powered Dumbot then makes the canny observation that "**It’s very interesting that Jewish synagogues and African American churches are saturated with political speech, but in evangelical churches it is strictly forbidden." Except for when they do it.

There's some other stuff, like about that Jew Al Franken, and lots of quotes with names and numbers after them, and also too she says she didn't vote until she was in her 40s because, "I didn’t know how. I didn’t know where to go. I never saw a sign that said, 'Vote Here.' I didn’t know how to 'register' or even that I had to register. I didn’t know what the candidates stood for or how to find out. Word of mouth I guess, but no one I hung out with talked about politics, ever."

Holy crap I hope she never stops typing for Andrew Breitbart.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Blarg blarg health blarg blarg fitness blarg blarg

So, you know how millions of Muricans die every year from complications related to being indolent, gluttonous, chain-smoking fucktards? Would you say that's a good thing? Probably not - you may know or even be one of those fucktards. But when the Kenyan Muslin Trotskyite Tsarist Socialist Usurper signs a meaningless piece of paper establishing National Prevention and Health Promotion Blah Blah Blah, it's a Very. Bad. Thing. Indeed!

Among the Council's responsibilities will be the publication of an annual report that:
contains a list of national priorities on health promotion and disease prevention to address lifestyle behavior modification (including smoking cessation, proper nutrition, appropriate exercise, mental health, behavioral health, substance-use disorder, and domestic violence screenings) and the prevention measures for the five leading disease killers in the United States
But to hear the Libertarian rugged fat chain-smoking individualists at InfoWars tell it, "President Obama has truly gone off the deep end this time in his most atrocious attempt to date to control every aspect of Americans’ lives."

See, this is why I can't take the Teabaggers seriously: Every fucking move the White House makes is a cynical Illuminati Bilderberger New World Order plot to enslave Americans. If they ever do find themselves with a rational point to make, no rational person will hear it.

Nobody is challenging your right to eat and drink yourself into an early grave. But is the occasional common-sense reminder to eat a fucking apple and walk around the block a threat to the very underpinnings of a free society?

Friday, June 11, 2010

A friend of mine thinks that Harry Reid probably has, like, an 11-inch penis

In an interview that aired Friday on MSNBC, Chuck Todd asked Pelosi if there was a statute of limitations on placing responsibility on President George W. Bush.

"Well, it runs out when the problems go away," Pelosi replied.

What are the only balls Teabaggers don't like?

We haven't heard much from jingoistic butter demon Drew McKissick over at his Conservative Outpost lately. Opening the floor to contributors like marble-mouthed goober Frederick Meekins et al. has freed him up some valuable snack time.

But I follow the McKissykins on the Twitter, where I see he's not much for this homo-Spicular "World Cup" nonsense:


Okay, okay, he doesn't like soccer, whatever. He's stupid, but that's his right. But what would get him to care about the game? Pissing off the rest of the world.

The only joy in this large, lonely man's life, it seems, is being gratuitously dickish to other countries. Oh, and cake. Lots and lots of cake.

Conservatives are awesome.

An open letter to the mayor of Yuma, AZ

Hey, you stupid old fart!
Okay, you don't like faggots. Fine. It's your right to hate whomever you'd like. Just as it's my right to think you're a pig-eyed, ignorant sack of shit whose idiot mother should have learned to suck dick instead of getting knocked up with your alkie father's load.

The good news is that intolerant old twats like you are dying off, and the younger generation is better educated and more fair minded. Welcome to irrelevance.

By the way - limp-wristed, lacy-drawered sissyboys are known to have lots of disposable income. And I'm pretty sure your dusty shithole of a town won't see a fucking dime of it while you're still mayor.

Cordially,

John

PS - 1970s gay porn called. They want their mustache back.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Louie Gohmert is the Deepwater Horizon of stupid bullshit

Fans of passive-aggressive hillbilly cockslappery might remember Little Lulu's rofl-y photo op during BO's first address to a joint session of Congress. Well, his publicly funded health care plan must have him on some powerful new idiot pills, 'cause here he is comparing Israeli commandos to TSA workers.


Bald people are assholes.

Tell us, Mr. Emanuel: Which newspaper apps do you read on your iPad?