Monday, February 28, 2011

A little touch of Meekins in the night

Internet sage Frederick Meekins has once again graced the Twitter with his customary mix of homespun wisdom and gentle humor.

Laughing Out Loud, Just Kidding! He used a local San Francisco news item as an excuse to make a poo-poo ca-ca joke about teh ghey (I think? Maybe? I know "San Francisco" = "tee-hee, homobuttseks" in Meekinspeak, so that's my best guess.

Eat a hot bag of dicks, Will Rogers! This is how topical humor is done!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Alan Keyes, you so crazy!

"[G]ranting homosexuals the right to marry is like granting plantation owners the right to own slaves." - Alan Keyes, World Net Daily

Maggie Gallagher is so fat....

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Quick impression of the modern conservative movement

"Jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs --- oh hey, look! Faggots!"

Can a brother get a upvote in hyah?

Speaker Boehner is taking questions on YouTube. I was firsties with the question that's on everybody's mind. Won't you please consider upvoting my submission? Visit the Speaker's page and search for "emotionally unstable alcoholic."

Thank you. You are a patriot.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Conservatives in Hollywood!

Hey look! CNN found some! (They lead with Pat Boone in the slideshow, which is Not A Good Sign.)

And then there's this rising, er, talent?
Eric Golub, a conservative comedian, was one of the acts who performed at Liberty Fest. Golub lives in Los Angeles, but that is where the ties to the entertainment industry end. He describes himself as a "hired gun" whose "niche is conservative political events." When he is not on the road, Golub said he "sits in front of his laptop and makes cold calls to get gigs."
"I'm not in the entertainment industry," Golub said. "I never want to be part of the entertainment industry."
And a good thing it is, that he never wants to be part of the entertainment industry. Because that would mean having to entertain people. Here's a set from last year:

He's like Gilbert Gottfried without the charisma.

[Thanks to eagle-eyed tipster "Leif!"]

Atlas plug

At last! Bug-eyed, oversexed midget know-it-all Ayn Rand's magnum opus has been given the cinematic treatment it deserves. Which is to say, this movie looks like a bucket of shit.

Apparently Atlas Shrugged isn't getting a big enough release for the self-reliant Asperger's cases who cobbled this thing together, and they've begun an online campaign for other selfish crybabies to demand wider distribution. Gee, you mean Hollywood doesn't think turgid polemical hackwork is automatic box-office gold?

Man, this scene is like the world's easiest game of Guess Who's the Jew.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Just die already

Beer-bloated character assassin Andrew Breitbart spoke at that recent dickwad hootenanny, boasting that:
I decided, what's the best way to take on the institutional left? ... I figured out that the way to take on the institutional left was to direct all of my goods straight at the mainstream media itself and to dare them not to cover the stories that we were reporting. And to do it in such a way that they're basically airtight and perfect.
The only time anything about Breitbart is airtight is when two Dominican male prostitutes plug his mouth and asshole shut with dick. What a lying, horrible waste of skin.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Google this

Here's the hermetic seal on your epistemic closure: Glenn Beck doesn't want you using Google.

The sight of a Fox News Channel personality fretting about propaganda should be hilarious. But the faithful in this bomb-throwing twat's fortunately dwindling audience can't see the irony.

You know what I really cannot fucking stand? That folksy-Socratic rhetorical tic of his: "It used to be called propaganda. What do we call it now? That's right -- community organizing." FUCK YOU, CHURCH LADY!

This prick makes millions by scaring stupid people with shit he doesn't even believe. I'm just sad there isn't a Hell for him to go to when he finally drops dead.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

It's a bumper crop at Iowa's asshole farm!

Check you out, Hawkeye state! First you give us this lulzy video full of doughy halfwits telling us they know - they just know! - that President Obama is a Mooselimb. And he doesn't know what a republic is, because all he talks about are democracies! (Side issue: Frank Luntz is totally a toilethomo, amirite? He looks like the kind that pays to have dudes tinkle on him.)

That video alone would be enough stupid for one news cycle. Take a victory lap, pop a cold one, call it a day. But nope! You gone and done a twofer!

The extra credit stupid comes courtesy of one Richard Anderson (pictured) (no, not McGyver - McGyver's totally cool). This Republican (durr) state representative has sponsored a bill that would allow an Iowa business owner who cites religious beliefs to refuse to provide jobs, housing, goods or services to people in marriages that violate his or her convictions (that means TEH GHEY!).

I know, I know. You're thinking, how can I let Rep. Anderson know just how much his gift of stupid means to me, as an American? Pick up the phone! His home number is (712) 542-2581. I'm sure he'll be really happy to hear from you.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Another day, another STFU

Here's noisy neocon spank-bank princess Michelle Malkin pretending to care about Christians and the US economy:
"Here's a modest proposal for liberals who say they support job creation: Stop smearing successful, law-abiding private companies whose values don't comport with yours."
Anchor Baby is referring specifically to the fast food chain Chick-Fil-A's corporate support of a creepy offshoot of the National Organization for Marriage, whose sole reason for existence is to harass and denigrate gay people.

But Malkin's not wading into the culture war waters. No sir, she's just a common-sense conservative, concerned only about job creation and the health of America's economy.

Of course, she didn't open her whorishly glossed DSLs even once when halfwit fundies boycotted American job creators like McDonald's, Home Depot and General Motors for being insufficiently homo-hating.

Here is a modest proposal for Michelle Malkin: Gargle my cocksnot.

Friday, February 4, 2011

STFU, Fatty

AIG's CEO says the company does better in red states, where there's less of an attitude that "the government is responsible for what happens to me."

Some facts:
  1. The US government bailed out AIG to the tune of $140 billion.
  2. Blue states subsidize red states with tax dollars.
  3. Robert Benmosche is a prick.

Shut it, Mittens

If you mean an America in which women couldn't vote and blacks were livestock, you're right. I'm a big fan of some other stuff the Founders did, like growing pot and fucking whores. But the Constitution they drafted was appropriate for the government of a geographically remote, 18th century farming republic. Times have changed. That document you pretend to revere - even though you supported eight years of Bush and Cheney gang-fucking it - has changed to address the needs of modern times. And it will continue to evolve.

I'm really fucking tired of conservatives equating liberalism with a lack of patriotism. Demagoguery and demonization like that does nothing to advance the national conversation about getting this economy and this country back to its former strength. I love America, and I believe passionately in its promise. Can you understand that, you weird robotic member of a crazy church where racism and child-fucking are treasured institutions?


I love Frederick Meekins so much. Partly because his surname already sounds like an affectionate nickname. Partly for the palsied arabesques in his prose. But mostly it's because he's not only always wrong, he's usually late when discussing any issue.

Remember when Fred dissected the Vancouver Olympics mascots, a good four months after the games had ended? By that timetable, the Meekster is Johnny-on-the-spot with his "Tweets Regarding The State Of The Union 2011" (nonstandard headline capitalization his), a mere two weeks after the event.

In this post for the ages, Freddie treats us to his homespun wisdom about the POTUS' SOTU. Most of them are over Twitter's customary 140-character limit, which makes me suspect he's fudging a bit. Hm? Oh, yessir, he's got himself one of those Twitter doodads.

That tweet is dated January 31, a week after the speech. Time behaves differently in Meekinsland.

Once I sampled this @epistolizer feed, I was hooked like Ted Haggard after his first taste of meth-crusted manwhore. I couldn't stop reading:

Pretty sure they don't have the same hate crimes laws in Egypt as we do over here. But all right. In other news, he looooooooves to talk about race!

And finally, here's a trenchantly insightful post in defense of nasty blowhards who make up dangerous horseshit to scare dumb people, for money:

I think he means three-fifths. But whatever. Love ya, Fred!