Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Stupid cowardly hillbilly Judson Phillips has kicked me out of his Back Porch, Cousin-Fucking, Jingoist Idiot Jug Band. I'll miss those fools.
Eh, no I won't. Holy crap, what a mean, crazy bunch of assholes.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
It is simply a fact that our social problems are increasingly connected to the depravity of the poor. If an American works hard, completes their education, gets married, and stays married, then they will rarely — very rarely — be poor. At the same time, poverty is the handmaiden of illegitimacy, divorce, ignorance, and addiction.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Guess what? Man of Steel or Superman Returns Again or Superman VI: The Desperate Quest to Maintain the Rights Before They Revert Back to Siegel and Shuster or whatever the hell the new movie is going to be called, won't be very good.
Because Zack Snyder, that’s why.
And I’m not talking about the casting or the first official image of what looks to be “Jersey Shore” superhero DJ Kally-El – that’s beside the point.
And I’m not even going the knee-jerk “Snyder is a hack” route – although he so amazingly is. Let’s be 100% honest. Is there any other reason why he’s the favorite of those reader-hating virgini-trolls at C.H.U.D?
No, the problem with Zack Snyder is that he’s a rape-obsessed asshole. And he’s steering the adventures of our most pure-hearted superhero. Let that sink in.
Let’s trek backwards through the shitfield of Snyder cinema, trek we?
Last we left him, he had just delivered his first “original”
Prior to Vagina Punch: Rise of Actual Women Scare Me, Snyder did what I’m sure he believes is a movie version of Watchmen (but did anyone else notice that making this movie and a motion comic was redundant?). He clearly was attracted to the material because it already had a rape in it. Of course, Alan Moore covered the rape in two panels and did the job with suggestion rather than graphic depiction. But Snyder was all, “No way, bro. I need to make this rape SEXIER, you feel me? Let’s stretch this shit out to 10 minutes and use slo-mo. UP TOP!”
300 was trickier. Frank Miller’s original story was barely over 80 pages long and set almost entirely on the battlefield. So clearly Snyder needed to beef it up for a feature-length running time. Luckily, he had a plan: “Dude, we could…” wait for it… “add a rape!” To which you might imagine someone replied, “Um, Zack? Not only is this rape totally gratuitous, it actually contradicts everything Miller establishes about Spartan women.” To which Snyder would snarl, “Fuck that shit, dawg! Get me a Red Bull and my raping goggles!”
Before any of this, though, he made his name with a half-assed remake of Dawn of the Dead that I didn’t bother to fucking see. But I can only imagine someone is raped in it. If not, it’s only because he was a fledgling director and didn’t get final cut. There’s zombie-rape footage out there, and Snyder has that shit on Blu-ray.
Don’t come crying to me when Superman bends Lana Lang over a tractor, or if Red Kryptonite gives Clark Kent a massive CGI robo-cock that can only be defeated by the combined forces of schoolgirl skirts and ball gags. Zack Snyder is a horrible person, and a worse director.
Get used to the idea.