Stay golden, Doughyboy

Talking zeppole Jonah Goldberg used to be the cool young conservative intellectual. He might have been one of those things, once upon a time. And these days, when modern conservatism is about as popular among millennials as Jay Leno. 

And you know why that is, right? It's not because outlets like Goldberg's employer, the National Review Online, peddle racism, theocratic babble and mash notes to trailer bats. Nope - it's because young people are "so frickin' stupid." Yes, that is his considered opinion. 

"The fact that young people think socialism is better than capitalism... That's something that conservatives have to work hard to beat out of them, either literally or figurative, as far as I'm concerned," he joked. 

Yay! Pure unfettered capitalism is the answer! Anybody who disagrees should be beaten up! Look, the free market worked just great for Jonah. Once Mommy got him a job. 

Let's look at the big board!

Hey! So, the wise and temperate citizens of the Heartland Institute would like to debate the issue of climate change in sober, measured tones. 

LOL, J/K! They're saying that if you believe in Global Warming (initial caps please, because wingnuts), well...

I love this idea! It's so scalable and repeatable, as media types like to say. Here, let me spitball a couple ideas of my own:

Of course, HI qualifies their argument:

5. Are you saying anyone who believes in global warming is a mass murderer, tyrant, or terrorist?Of course not. But we are saying that the ethics of many advocates of global warming are very suspect.

Exactly! And I'm not saying that anyone who opposes gay marriage is a cock-gobbling closet case, or that all pro-lifers are trigger-mad psychos. But the ethics of many such people are very suspect. 

Good talk, guys!

Dude hates gay people so gol-dang much...

...he reaches for his rifle.

Totally. Not. Repressing. Anything.

UPDATE: Joe. My. God. has totes sicced the local constabulary on Dickless McTriggerhappy here. Follow him for updates, or just wait until Maggie Gallagher and Fox News turn this inbred dingus into a Free Speech Martyr.