You are hated

A new front has opened in the War on Christmas!

2011-12-12T16:37:00.000-08:00

"Happy holidays?" What the hell kind of homojewmuslimcommie shit is that, Rick Perry?

I thought you were a real Christian Amurrican.

[Thanks, Hoffkins!]

Open wide!

2011-11-22T11:39:00.000-08:00

Today's Asshole Dictionary entry

2011-10-26T14:54:00.001-07:00

"Only kidding!" : What assholes say they were doing when they're called out for racist bullshit

Example:

Seeking to end three days of distractions from his campaign, Texas Gov. Rick Perry says in an interview to air Sunday that he has no doubt that President Obama is an American citizen, saying he was only kidding around about the issue when he raised doubts about where Obama was born. -- CBS News' Political Hotsheet

Separated at birth?

2011-10-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

Cybernetic torture fetishist Dick Cheney...

... and this awesome Jack O'Lantern?

Curse you, Inspector Breitbart!

2011-10-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

You and your Scooby Gang are too clever for the nefarious President Barry Soetoro!

So what happened was, Obama taped a recent weekly address at an auto factory in Detroit. We join the hysteria at Big Gubmint, already in progress:

President Obama delivered his weekly address to the nation from Detroit, Michigan this week after visiting workers at a GM assembly plant. When the video hit at Breitbart.tv, our tip box suddenly became very active with people claiming that the President was actually sitting in front of a green screen and the background image was really a composite image of an assembly line.

My favorite "expert" opinion:

It definitely looks greenscreen to me. there’s a lot of artifacting going on around the edges, which makes me think it was

keyed out. also, the spacial relationships look off…just doesn’t seem to fit…however, around his hair, I don’t see any traces of the keyed out background…this is usually a good place to see some artifacting from the keys.. that said, its tough to say definitively, but it does look greenscreen.

Over to Little Green Footballs: "This is so dimwitted I can almost feel my IQ melting away."

I'm running on fumes as it is. I'd better stay away from Breitbart sites for a while.

Photoshopportunity

2011-10-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

Rick Perry has got to stop letting himself be photographed like this.

The inside of Marcus Bachmann's pants must look like a silent-movie pie fight right now.

Oh shut up, Ben Stein

2011-10-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

Droning useless fartsack Ben Stein knows what these Occupy protests are really all about, and he's a-scared! "Writing" for the American Spectator, the never-relevant one-trick TV and movie character says that whatever comes after the Occupy movement will be dictatorship.

And then - and then! - he busts a move out of the Sarah Palin/Moonie Times playbook: "How long until the protesters are shouting about 'the Jew blood suckers,' I wonder," Stein parenthesizes, casually denigrating the experience of every Holocaust victim with his cheap, offhanded and misplaced snark.

He later suggests that businesses are like animals: "When they are confident and there's a meal around, they are extremely active." I'm actually with Stein on this - it makes more sense to me than Mitt Romney's creepy belief that corporations are people.

But animals need training before they come into regular contact with people. Especially big powerful animals. Take that Dog Whisperer guy - he can train a lethally strong pit bull to not kill people. What the Occupy protesters are saying is, somebody needs to whisper the shit out of these animals, because they're fucking shit up. (I'm paraphrasing here, obviously.)

Eh, I don't know what the point of this post is. Businesses are not evil, but markets need regulation. Dogs are nice, but you need to teach them not to shit everywhere and eat babies. And I'm fucking sick of conservative twunts implying that liberals are Nazis. Shut up, Ben Stein.

Toilethomo Cantata

2011-10-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

A friend of the blog, who wishes to remain anonymous, presents us with this musical tribute to socially conservative moral scolds who secretly heart teh cox0rz.

The martyrdom of St. Rick

2011-10-14T13:30:00.001-07:00

Rick Perry believes he's being "brutalized" by his Republican primary opponents because he's a Christian.

No, really! His wife really said that, and he really agrees!

So, being a white, evangelical Christian male is a liability in the Republican party? Do these assclowns even hear the word salads that fall out of their drooling mouths?

And isn't this pretty thin-skinned butthurtitude from a guy who accused the Federal Reserve chairman of treason?

Hey, Rick - how about you and your old lady secede the fuck out of here and quit embarrassing yourselves?

1791: When you're too big a douche even for Ed Hardy

2011-10-13T18:02:00.001-07:00

Racist carnival barker Glenn Beck has a new line of clothing. But don't worry - it's just one arm of a massive charitable organization. Beck is gonna do to clothing what Paul Newman did to salad dressing. Except he'll sell his shit to assholes and gun freaks.

Peep this hilariously over-wrought promo for his crappy overpriced hoodies:

So, um...

2011-10-06T10:31:00.001-07:00

Scripture-twisting hillbilly shitsack Margie Phelps tweets that she and the Westboro Baptist Church Hootenanny of Hate will be picketing Steve Jobs' funeral.

She tweeted this from her iPhone. #DERP

Republicans respect and support our troops

2011-10-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

LOL, J/K!

God damn it! It's talking again!

2011-09-28T10:56:00.000-07:00

This time it refers to the presidency as a "title." Like Miss Wasilla or something.

Fuck you, John McCain, for what you nearly did to this country. Fuck your whole party. Close up shop, go atone for your sins and don't come back until you've grown some fucking brains.

Well done, Google

2011-09-25T18:13:00.001-07:00

Excellent logo placement.

FYI, Christian Tea Party members

2011-09-21T20:55:00.001-07:00

That "eye for an eye" stuff is Old Testament.

Jesus Christ - the young man who died by slow torture and managed to forgive his tormentors - preached a more merciful message.

So, which will it be?

Dick!

2011-09-14T13:53:00.000-07:00

Disgusting torture cyborg Dick "Dick!" Cheney stopped by The View the other day. After a quick demo of the infernal device that prolongs his obscene life, he offered his thoughts on same-sex marriage:

"And you ought to have the right to make whatever choice you want to make with respect to your own personal situation. I certainly don't have a problem with it," added Cheney, whose daughter, Mary, is a lesbian.

That's a brave stance to take, Dick, now that this culture war wedge issue won't do you any more political good.

The only thing I want to hear Dick Cheney say is, "Ow! Ow! Ow! This prison sex really hurts!"

Bush wants credit for killing Bin Laden

2011-09-09T13:45:00.000-07:00

No, seriously:

"The work that was done by intelligence communities during my presidency was part of putting together the puzzle that enabled us to see the full picture of how bin Laden was communicating and eventually where he was hiding," he said. "It began the day after 9/11."

I suppose he has a point. We wouldn't have wanted to kill Bin Laden if he hadn't orchestrated the 9/11 attacks. Which were successful because Bush ignored national security briefings and warnings about the event. Ergo, he enabled the killing of Bin Laden. You know, just like Hitler was responsible for the modern state of Israel. UR WELCOME, WORLD!

The stimulus worked

2011-08-30T14:47:00.000-07:00

From the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities:

New CBO Report Finds Up to 2.9 Million People Owe Their Jobs to the Recovery Act

in other words...

Was it something I said?

2011-08-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

Stupid cowardly hillbilly Judson Phillips has kicked me out of his Back Porch, Cousin-Fucking, Jingoist Idiot Jug Band. I'll miss those fools.

Eh, no I won't. Holy crap, what a mean, crazy bunch of assholes.

Of pearls, and their clutching

2011-08-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

David French (right), writing for the National Review Online, has some ideas about the sources of poverty:

It is simply a fact that our social problems are increasingly connected to the depravity of the poor. If an American works hard, completes their education, gets married, and stays married, then they will rarely — very rarely — be poor. At the same time, poverty is the handmaiden of illegitimacy, divorce, ignorance, and addiction.

Interesting argument. Kinda like saying vaginas cause rape. But moralizing smugcuntery aside, what's with the vocab? "Depravity?" "Handmaiden?" Who talks like that?

The kind of people whose comment CAPTCHAA generates text like this, that's who:

Calm down, folks - no toilethomo here

2011-08-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

Indiana State Rep. Phil Hinkle met a guy through Craigslist's "M4M Casual Encounters" section, but they just talked about baseball.

That's an old trick, to help you last longer. Dude wanted his $80 worth, I guess.

Speaking of which: $80? Seriously? Being a twisted, bigoted closet case is one thing. But stinginess is something I cannot abide.

And yeah, I know that illo is kinda half-assed. I'm at work and, well, did you ever Google the phrase "gay baseball?" You'll see just the darnedest stuff! I had to work quickly before somebody called HR.

Jennifer Roback Morse needs a good fuck in the ass

2011-08-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Roback Morse is a truth-twisting, wrinkly old hatchet woman from the Ruth Institute. Ruth is a spinoff of wheezing tallow-mountain Maggie Gallagher's ridiculous National Organization for Marriage, where uptight, dust-queefing heifers huffle and harumph about the evils of teh ghey.

To give you an idea of the level of discourse common on Ruth's pages, here's Morse's argument in defense of some Fl orida teacher's asinine comments about civil marriage equality:

Extra credit: She squeezed in that drama-queen argument that the rights of Christians are under assault by a godless liberal junta. Which is horseshit, but whatever: Let's assume for the sake of argument that Morse's opinions really could one day be outlawed. This is the thesis she'd nail to the church door? "Anal sex is icky?" What a fucking moron.

And hey, Jen, FYI... if you think anal sex is icky, maybe you're just doing it wrong. Call me. I'll rock your world, girl.

[Thanks, Jeremy]

Zack Snyder is rapin' errbody out here

2011-08-18T15:30:00.000-07:00

(From time to time, we invite guest haters to share their ill will. Our latest, the pseudonymous Herr Mißbilligung, is a working journalist with clips in both online and national print publications. And he finds he can no longer contain his bile.)

Guess what? Man of Steel or Superman Returns Again or Superman VI: The Desperate Quest to Maintain the Rights Before They Revert Back to Siegel and Shuster or whatever the hell the new movie is going to be called, won't be very good.

Because Zack Snyder, that’s why.

And I’m not talking about the casting or the first official image of what looks to be “Jersey Shore” superhero DJ Kally-El – that’s beside the point.

And I’m not even going the knee-jerk “Snyder is a hack” route – although he so amazingly is. Let’s be 100% honest. Is there any other reason why he’s the favorite of those reader-hating virgini-trolls at C.H.U.D?

No, the problem with Zack Snyder is that he’s a rape-obsessed asshole. And he’s steering the adventures of our most pure-hearted superhero. Let that sink in.

Let’s trek backwards through the shitfield of Snyder cinema, trek we?

Last we left him, he had just delivered his first “original” movie: The execrable Sucker Punch. Not only is calling this movie “original” like referring to a mixtape you just made as “your album,” it’s a two-hour rape fantasy topped off with a healthy dollop of gamer-tard. If Snyder could have gotten away with just straight delivering tentacle-happy hentai, he would have (and likely will soon, if there’s any justice and Superman sends him to the Island of Misfit directors alongside McG and twelve interchangeable French directors who do interchangeable horror remakes). You could write Sucker Punch off as poor judgment if this guy’s entire filmography weren't more rapey than Charlie Sheen’s guest suite.

Prior to Vagina Punch: Rise of Actual Women Scare Me, Snyder did what I’m sure he believes is a movie version of Watchmen (but did anyone else notice that making this movie and a motion comic was redundant?). He clearly was attracted to the material because it already had a rape in it. Of course, Alan Moore covered the rape in two panels and did the job with suggestion rather than graphic depiction. But Snyder was all, “No way, bro. I need to make this rape SEXIER, you feel me? Let’s stretch this shit out to 10 minutes and use slo-mo. UP TOP!”

300 was trickier. Frank Miller’s original story was barely over 80 pages long and set almost entirely on the battlefield. So clearly Snyder needed to beef it up for a feature-length running time. Luckily, he had a plan: “Dude, we could…” wait for it… “add a rape!” To which you might imagine someone replied, “Um, Zack? Not only is this rape totally gratuitous, it actually contradicts everything Miller establishes about Spartan women.” To which Snyder would snarl, “Fuck that shit, dawg! Get me a Red Bull and my raping goggles!”

Before any of this, though, he made his name with a half-assed remake of Dawn of the Dead that I didn’t bother to fucking see. But I can only imagine someone is raped in it. If not, it’s only because he was a fledgling director and didn’t get final cut. There’s zombie-rape footage out there, and Snyder has that shit on Blu-ray.

Don’t come crying to me when Superman bends Lana Lang over a tractor, or if Red Kryptonite gives Clark Kent a massive CGI robo-cock that can only be defeated by the combined forces of schoolgirl skirts and ball gags. Zack Snyder is a horrible person, and a worse director.

Get used to the idea.

My friend Casey is succinct

2011-08-17T12:44:00.000-07:00

You all know about Tony Perkins, right? No, not the actor who used to let Stephen Sondheim pee on him at his summer house. I mean the putatively heterosexual friendless irritant from the Family Research Council. He makes his living fucking things up for gay people, and blames Jesus for his bigotry.

I waste more time and energy than I should kvetching about the little twatwaffle, especially when he says shit like this:

Forget for a second the insulting implication that gay people are broken. It's just straight-up bullshit that no church would cast a homo into outer darkness. Rick "Hey Fatty Boom-Boom" Warren, anybody?

Whatever. I've got better things to do. From now on, I'll adopt the more economical prose style of my friend and colleague, Casey Schreiner:

Of course, Perkins and other fake Christians like him will cite this as more evidence of their blessed martyrdom. Because forget feeding the hungry or caring for the sick - what Jesus wants them to do is yammer about teh ghey all day long.

To which I will reply, "Fuck you."

Oh, and check out Casey's blog if you like hiking and shit.

Tea Party secrets revealed!

2011-07-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

So, you know how Allen West pitched a hissy at Debbie Wasserman-Schultz the other day? They are eating that shit up over at Tea Party Nation. And in the comments, I think I've discovered the Teabaggers' real hidden agenda:

[click to embiggen]

Okay, forget for a moment the disturbing notion that America must be cleansed of people whose opinions differ from your own. What these people hate, more than taxes, more than government interference with their Medicare benefits, more than liberalism itself, is SLIM POLITICIANS!

Well, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz does have a pretty tight little can, I'll give her that.

Allen West is angry!

2011-07-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

Insane, stupid Allen West (R-Some Shithole) is very angry at his House colleague, Debbie Wasserman-Shultz.

After West had left the House floor to go polish his guns or daydream about some ideal society in which young boys are carted off to live in an aggressive, all-male environment, Debbie rose to explain what cruel nonsense the conservative Republican "Cut, Cap and Balance" plan actually is: The legislation "slashes Medicaid and critical investments essential to winning the future in favor of protecting tax breaks for Big Oil, millionaires, and companies who ship American jobs overseas."

West fired off an angry email when he heard about that, calling Wasserman-Schultz "the most vile, unprofessional and despicable member of the US House of Representatives." This behavior was not ladylike, West harumphed, and so Wasserman-Schultz "therefore, shall not be afforded due respect from me!"

So, the guy who told insane, bloodthirsty Teabagger supporters in the last election that he wanted his opponent "scared to come out of his house" is now indignant that a colleague... told the truth about legislation he supports?

I always knew West was crazy. I had no idea he was such a huge fucking crybaby to boot.

FREE WILLIE!

2011-07-07T13:06:00.000-07:00

Willie Nelson got busted last year with some herb on his tour bus. In any reasonable place on earth, the verdict should have been Not guilty by reason of HE IS WILLIE NELSON. But we're not talking about any reasonable place; we're talking about Texas.

And this asshole (above), Judge Becky Dean-Walker ("Judge Becky?" What the hell is this, some David E. Goddamn Kelley dramedy?), rejected a plea deal that would have come with a fine, and maybe a courtroom performance of "Blue Eyes Cryin' in the Rain." Now the red-headed stranger is looking at up to a year in the stony lonesome.

What, as they say, the fuck? Casey Anthony murders her kid - oh fuck you, she did it - and the bitch walks free. But Willie goes to the slam for a weed you can grow in your back yard? You know all that secession talk you've been throwing around, Texas? Do it. We'll airlift Willie and a few cool bars out of Austin, and you can have the rest of that dusty shithole to yourselves.

Oh, for Foxx sake

2011-07-06T15:10:00.000-07:00

Lazy-eyed moonshiner Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-Hurr Durr) has an amendment to the House Defense Appropriations Bill. The amendment authorizes the Department of Defense to enforce the Defense of Marriage Act.

Which it already does. But see...

"It is not enough for the Department of Defense to dismiss all concerns about this and many other issues involving marriage status and benefits by pointing to the existence of the DOMA. There is no contingency “Plan B” to deal with this issue if federal courts invalidate that law."

That's right, faggots! Don't you go getting any fancy ideas about equal treatment under the law. So what if you can get married now up in Jew York City? You can risk your life for this country if you want to. But even when the divinely inspired Defense of Marriage Act - written by Jesus as told to Ronald Reagan after he freed the slaves with tax cuts - is ruled unconstitutional by the anti-Christian atheist Muslim Kenyan Obummer's liberal minions in the courts, your window-dresser husband ain't a-gittin' a nickel in partner benefits.

But of course, Virginia Foxx doesn't hate faggots.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...

2011-06-29T14:52:00.000-07:00

Marcus Bachmann is a toilethomo.

Exhibit A:

The prosecution rests.

It's hard to get a joke when you are one

2011-06-29T14:04:00.000-07:00

Gay 80s porn facial hair model Joseph Farah has published some insane horseshit about President Obama in his wacky paranoiafest, World Net Daily. He's also peddling a couple of books by liver-spotted racist freak Jerome Corsi, purporting to prove Obama's ineligibility for office. So when BO produced his fabled "long-form" birth certificate, proving his birth in the atheistic Muslim caliphate of Hawaii, Esquire made a lol. Under a banner headline complete with a flashing Drudge-y red light, they said Farah had recalled the entire print run of Corsi's asinine screed, Where's the Birth Certificate?

Instead of realizing it was satire, and that his entire life will eventually be reduced to a footnote in some future encyclopedia of assholes, Farah decided to sue Esquire. Arguing that the article subjected him and Corsi to "extreme ridicule in the community where they reside and where their works are viewed and read," Farah's lawyers are demanding north of $200 million in compensatory and punitive damages.

You'd think with a mustache like that, Farah would long since have grown immune to ridicule.

A measured response from the Right

2011-06-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

Celibate papist eat-demon Kathryn Jean Lopez has (left) a sad because teh gheys can marry in New York state now. To her this is nothing short of tyranny . And it's true, if you think about it: a bipartisan vote to grant a minority group equal treatment under civil law? What is this, Nazi Russia?

North Korea, actually. I shit you not. What the fuck is wrong with this broad?

Tea Party education

2011-06-16T21:41:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason, I joined the Tea Party Nation web community. The site's organizers send out a couple, maybe three email blasts a day on average, all in 24-point type to accommodate what I'm guessing is a mostly 70-something readership.

One of today's missives was about public education, and what a mess it is. Peeping the subject line of the missive, I tittered briefly at the possibility of finding a typo. You know, the Socialist Muslim Republic of Amurrika don't know how to school our younguns, so we gots to do it ourselves. Only we don't know shit from shinola. Lame, I know.

But lulz are stranger than fiction:

Bananas, this shit is

2011-06-16T14:30:00.001-07:00

I have been trying hard lately to understand why people vote for Republicans. I mean, the current crop of Republicans. It just doesn't make any sense. You want more jobs, you want to see the economy grow? Me too. But that won't happen just by cutting taxes for the very rich. Here, Andrew Sullivan said the same thing, and he went to a really fancy college:

So no tax increases are allowed, period. Why? Because they "kill jobs". So why do we have record unemployment after a period of unprecedentedly low taxation? No answer. If lower taxes have led to stagnation, the answer must always be: lower taxes some more.

Jared Bernstein says Republicans are suffering from amnesia. But Bob Cesca says it's willful ignorance:

It’s all about making a cynical pitch for the same old crap that forced us into a massive recession because it fits so perfectly onto a bumper sticker. It’s so simplistic that doofus Republican primary votes (a majority of whom believe President Obama wasn’t born in the U.S.) can understand it. It’s marketing bubble gum claptrap horseshit on a shingle. Reaganomics failed. Reaganomics can not and must not be repeated.

Personally, I think they're just fucking nuts. I mean, listen to tubby gay-basher Matt Barber talking about the Anthony Weiner sexless sex scandal:

That's right, Barber says conservatives police their ranks so scrupulously that adulterous Republicans are always immediately pressured to resign.

(Friendly aside to Miss Barber: See Gingrich, Newton; Sanford, Mark; Ensign, John; and of course, Vitter, David, "Poopy Pants Diaper Freak Whore Fan.")

Thank goodness for the Tea Party. Their goggle-eyed, foamy-mouthed, fundamentalist over-reach has fucked the GOP for at least a decade. 2012 can't come soon enough for my taste.

Church sex abuse, herp de durr

2011-05-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so, one of the Pope's advisors, charged with investigating pedophilia charges, has been popped for, oh, QED. It's as unsurprising as it is sickening.

But somebody at TIME seems to have had some fun with the placement of this internal link in the story:

BREAKING

2011-05-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

So this choad, Patrick McHenry (R-NC) got hisself some airtime the other day by basically accusing Elizabeth Warren of lying to his subcommittee.

Now, I don't mean to boast, but I've been on the toilethomo beat long enough that something struck me. It's not just the southern accent, although that does still sound really faggy to my New York ears. No, it was something more sutble. A combination of prissiness and self-righteousness and, well, general cuntiness that made me think.... is he?

So I looked up McHenry's voting record. Yup, pretty solidly anti-gay.

Then I found some old news items about him. It seems that until recently, he received late-night visits from a 24-year-old male law student.

And apparently I'm not the only journalist who smells dick on this guy's breath from a mile off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's getting married. So did Rock Hudson

Ladies and gentlemen, the preponderance of evidence indicates that Patrick McHenry is a TOILETHOMO

Bradlee Dean: Toilethomo?

2011-05-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

Is it glib and facile to assume that all anti-gay moral scolds are toilethomos? Perhaps.
But the numbers. Don't. Lie.

Which is why Bradlee Dean is on our radar. He caused a brief stir recently, offering an assheaded, mean, stupid and insulting prayer before the Minnesota state house.

Dean also wastes no opportunity to publicly denigrate gay people, even suggesting that they should be incarcerated. He's even been known to bust out the occasional twofer, combining his anti-gay animus with his hatred of Muslims.

Yet even with this preponderance of statistical and anecdotal evidence indicating that Dean lives a toilethomo's furtive double life of restroom cocksuckery, we hesitated to render a judgement.

Until Dean tweeted this:

Thank you and good night.

Keep in in yer pants, boys!

2011-05-10T19:32:00.001-07:00

We've all seen the photo of the White House Situation Room, where the President shows his cabinet Joe Biden's tight, sculpted abs. It's also where top national security officials watched a live video feed of Navy SEALs busting a cap in Osama Bin Laden's grill.

Well, most of us saw that photo. Readers of Der Tzitung, a newspaper that serves New York's sexy Hasidic community, saw an altered version. Editors removed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and National Security Council Counterterrorism Director Audrey Tomason from the pic, fearing that their presence was "too suggestive."

You GO Hillary! Gurlfriend's still got it. Rrrrrrrowrrrrr.

Stupid bitch is stupid, a bitch

2011-05-04T16:23:00.000-07:00

Shit-For-Brains demands free government snuff porn:

Tell you what, Funbags: Obama will release the Bin Laden photos after you show the world your medical records. You know, the ones that prove Trig is your grandson.

No? Didn't think so. Shut it.

Was it something I said?

2011-05-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

Today, the rest of the world marked the death of shitty murderous rich fuck Osama Bin Laden at the hands of America's elite fighting professionals, and at the direction of a brilliant strategist President. But in some gloomy, angry corners of the Interwebs, people like Conservative Gal were busy flailing for something, anything, to turn this historic tactical and military victory into a scandal for that colored guy they just hate so goddamn much:

Eh, wha? Barack Obama was editor - president, technically - of the Harvard Law Review. It's one of those facts about BO's life that I had thought even birthers and similarly irrational fucktards could surely agree. But alas, no.

So, just trying to be helpful, I tweeted the above link:

And what do I get for my trouble?

I don't know who that LuciusStone guy is, but he's in some very, very, very handsome company right now.

I just want us all to get along. Why can't these inbred racist fucks get that through their doughy, misshapen heads?

Inside Allen West (lolyuck!)

2011-04-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

Rep. Allen West (R-Way the Fuck Out There) spoke to a Christian women's group recently. And he dropped some revealing shit:

West first weaved the ancient society of Sparta — a culture that practiced eugenicsand inspired Adolf Hitler — into an example of the role of women. “What made the Spartan men strong, it was the Spartan women,” he said. “Because the Spartan women at the age of nine gave up their male sons” to train for the army.

So this man finds virtue in a culture where young boys were separated from their families to go live in an aggressive, all-male environment. Oh, and it goes without saying that he sees gay people as a threat.

There's a word for guys like that, isn't there? I can't think of it right now. Eh, it'll come to me.

Bronze ambition

2011-04-20T11:46:00.000-07:00

Look, far be it from me to spread any unkind rumors, but I think Donald Trump might use some sort of artificial bronzer.

Miss Boehner had better keep a sharp eye on her touch-up kit when La Donald is in town.

Adventures in cross-posting

2011-04-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

Tengrain at the excellent Mock, Paper, Scissors is hosting a contest to name Michele Bachmann's book, which is "in the early talking stages." I went for extra credit and designed a cover, but herp derp I couldn't figure out how to post the image in the comments. So, here!

Kourtesy Korner!

2011-04-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of this "new civility." It's a worthwhile effort - and so easy to put into practice!

Like, I hear Rep. Darrell Issa (pictured) telling Don Imus that Donald Trump "may or may not be right" about President Obama's birth certificate and I think, wow, what a pandering racist shitbag. What a lying, weasely, morally bankrupt polyp in the colon of the body politic.

But he's a member of Congress. So I'm going to treat the perfidious cuntface with all the courtesy his office deserves.

Remember - you can catch more flies with honey!

HOW? HOW CAN THIS BE?

2011-04-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

CNN:

In the CNN/Opinion Research Corporation poll released Tuesday, roughly one in four Americans said they sympathize more with the Confederacy than the Union, a figure that rises to nearly four in ten among white Southerners.

Look: The fucking Civil Fucking War was fucking fought over fucking slavery.

Fuck you in your fucking hillbilly ear if you fucking pretend fucking otherwise.

Shorter Michael Medved, Twathall

2011-04-13T10:46:00.000-07:00

"The government should defund Planned Parenthood immediately because America will need an able-bodied slave labor class to sponge-bathe tiresome old pricks like me when we become drooling, incontinent messes."

I totally stole this "Shorter" trope from Sadly, No!, who stole it from some other cats. I, too, am aware of all Internet traditions.

Rand Paul's Book Nook!

2011-04-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

Objectivist heartthrob Sen. Rand Paul (R-Individuality) has finally gone and done it. Addressing the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, he struck a courageous blow for freedom and... incandescent bulbs. By quoting his super-awesome bug-eyed, oversexed, chain-smoking midget know-it-all namesake:

Ayn Rand wrote a novel, Anthem, back in the 50's. And it's a dystopian novel. In that novel, individual choice is banned, and the collective basically runs society. There's a young man, and his name is Equality-72521. He's an intelligent young man, but he is banned from achieving, or reaching any sort of occupation that might challenge him. He's a street sweeper.

Over time, he discovers a subway, and he rediscovers the incandescent light bulb. And he thinks, naively, that electricity and the brilliance of light would be an advantage for society, and that it would bring great new things as far as being able to see at night, and to read, and the advancement of civilization.

Well, he takes it before the collective of elders, and they take the light bulb, and basically it's crushed beneath the boot heel of the collective. The collective has no place, basically, for individual choice.

Talking Points Memo suggests that the self-certified ophthalmologist might have missed the point:

In that book, of course, the protagonist was attempting through his individual experimentation and achievements to advance his society past a more primitive technology, the candle. In this case, however, regulations are being used in order to move society forward to the next generation of technology, after the incandescent bulb, on the grounds that it would save energy.

Derp!

Let's send Terry Jones to Afghanistan!

2011-04-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

Fundamentalist halfwit Terry Jones (below), whose burning of a Koran instigated the recent murder of U.N. workers by a mob of other fundamentalist halfwits, says his conscience is clear:

"To the peaceful Muslim that lives down the street, we are sorry if our actions have offended them, which I am sure it has. But at the same we are not trying to attack them," he said. "We are trying to make it very clear that we are against this radical element," he added.

Okay, subject-verb agreement problems in the first sentence aside (you swamp-stupid hillbilly) ... WHAT? You're acting against religious radicals, so you deliberately choose radical actions yourself?

Tell you what, Terry. I'll pay your airfare to Afghanistan - what the hell, I'll even sport you to first class - and provide you with a lighter, some fluid, and a copy of the Koran. You try this adorable stunt of yours in front of some Taliban this time. Go ahead. Jesus will protect you.

I'm confident that Pastor Jones will take me up on this offer.

Unless he's a fucking pussy.

Tell it to the Marino

2011-03-31T14:15:00.000-07:00

This Distinguished Gentleman, Rep. Thomas Marino (R-PA), is a member of the House Foreign Affairs Committee as well as the House subcommittee on issues related to African foreign policy. Which would be awesome, if he knew the first fucking thing about Africa. Like, maybe, that that's where Libya is.

Wondering aloud whether humanitarian intervention alone was reason enough for American intervention in Libya, Marino mused, "where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?"

And then Marino clapped excitedly because it was time for pie.

Quote of the day

2011-03-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

Matt Stone:

Wop priority

2011-03-29T13:13:00.000-07:00

So, Italy is "outraged" by The Jersey Shore.

I have two words for you, Italy: Silvio Berlusconi.

Hey, look, nice job on, like, the Renaissance, and chianti, and Parmigiano-Reggiano. But fucking get real.

He's got a million of 'em!

2011-03-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy stylings of hilarious drunk sex clown Bill O'Reilly:

"There isn't any anti-Obama juggernaut on [Fox News Channel]."

WOKKA WOKKA WOKKA! HONK HONK!

SARAH GODDAMN FUCKING PALIN

2011-03-25T11:02:00.000-07:00

She's on the Facebooks again:

Friends, too often conservatives or Republicans in general come across as having the fighting instinct of sheep. I don’t. I was raised to believe that you don’t retreat when you’re on solid ground; so even though it often seems like I’m armed with just a few stones and a sling against a media giant, I’ll use those small resources to do what I can to set the record straight.

"Fighting instincts of sheep?" According to whom? Conservatives in the Palin mold are lying, spiteful, shitty-minded character assassins.

And Sarah Palin is "armed only with a few stones and a slingshot?" Is that what she calls a fat Fox News salary, Harper Collins book deals, a TLC reality show and obscene millions in speaking fees?

God. Fucking. Damn it. Between Ina Garten and this horrible, self-aggrandizing bitch, I'll never be

done kicking cunts.

Dear Jesus, please shut this bitch up

2011-03-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

I used to think Victoria Jackson was kind of cool back when she was on SNL, because she played the ukulele. But now all these hipster assholes have taken up the uke and ruined it, so I'm over her. She's an unhinged Bible whale who uses her abrasive, corrosively stupid opinions to get her fat ass back in front of a camera whenever she can.

She was on CNN the other day, braying about a scene in Glee where two guys kiss. Yeah, she's really mad about that, because she just knows that would make her dead boyfriend Jesus cry. And if you disagree with her, you're guilty of "one-way tolerance," because you're interfering with her God-given right as a religious person to express her holy views that faggots are icky. No, seriously - look at her giant, misshapen face when the anchor runs the Glee clip. She looks like a four-year-old forced to eat Brussels sprouts.

First off, Fatty - the Bible is not a binding legal document outside of your double-wide trailer home. And second - fuck you for putting good and tolerant people in the position of having to defend Glee. Be offended that it's a shit show that's living off pure hype at this point. Not at two guys kissing.

Fuck you, Victoria Jackson. Go stick your face in dough and make retard cookies.

Priorities!

2011-03-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

[Gracias a Chase Whiteside]

WIN!

2011-03-18T12:39:00.001-07:00

Perspective. They lacks it.

2011-03-18T11:44:00.000-07:00

From Israel's Ynet News:

"While Japan continues to deal with the aftermath of last Friday's devastating earthquake and tsunami, and has yet to recover from one of the greatest disasters in its history, Israelis fear a shortage in the ingredients of one of their favorite dishes: Sushi"

Shut up, you fucking crybabies

2011-03-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

Aww gee. Republicans are upset now that civil marriage equality can be used as a wedge issue against them.

Sucks to be a bigot some days, don't it?

Leadership!

2011-03-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

Awesome. From Roll Call:

GOP leaders have recently begun inserting the word “jobs” into talking points, floor statements and press conferences. They acknowledge that they haven’t done a good enough job framing the current debate over spending as an economic issue.

Great idea! Slap the word "jobs" like a band-aid on to all the meaningless culture war legislation these fundamentalist short-bus window lickers have advanced, and boom! Common-sense conservatism!

What the fuck is wrong with these idiots?

2011-03-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

Weepy orange alcoholic John Boehner may have legs like a showgirl, but he's really really terrible at his job. Here's the latest culture-war shiny object he's letting his party chase:

House Republicans are holding an emergency meeting of the Rules Committee on Wednesday to take up legislation that would block funding to NPR in the wake of James O'Keefe's hidden camera prank on the news organization.

Got that? Not job creation, which allegedly was priority number one in the New GOP Reality. Nope, Boehner's Boys are busy pointing and clucking at the latest character assassination stunt by sniggling, punk-ass, white supremacist congenital liar James O'Keefe. This, apparently, is an emergency.

The current Republican party is a cesspool of stupid.

Get me a bucket

2011-03-09T12:30:00.000-08:00

Yes, Newt Gingrich fucked around on his two previous wives. And served each of them divorce papers when they were seriously ill. But he did it because he just loves this country so doggone much!

"There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate," Gingrich told the Christian Broadcasting Network in an interview this week that was posted online on Wednesday.

How can he say shit like this with a straight face?

WTFWJD, bitch?

2011-03-09T10:45:00.000-08:00

Oh, for fuck's sake:

RICHMOND, Va. – A staff sergeant erred when he banished dozens of soldiers to their barracks and ordered them to clean up after they refused to attend a Christian concert on a Virginia Army base last year, an investigation concluded.
...
Two soldiers who were punished told the AP they felt pressured to attend a performance by the Christian rock group BarlowGirl, as part of what was billed as the "Commanding General's Spiritual Fitness Concerts."
The soldiers said the staff sergeant told 200 men in their barracks they could either attend or remain confined there. They were told to not use their cell phones or personal computers and to clean up their living area.

If Jesus could see what these asshats are up to, allegedly in his name, he'd shit a brick.

[Quick howdy to Jocelyn, from whose excellent but now-defunct blog I swiped the headline.]

Hey, wait a second...

2011-03-02T16:48:00.001-08:00

[Thanks to eagle-eyed tipster "Rene!"]

One more for the files!

2011-03-01T17:35:00.000-08:00

In his capacity as president of something called the Catholic League, woozy Irish bigot Bill Donohue takes umbrage for a living. The objects of his ire are many and varied - game shows, Jay Leno and Penn & Teller, for example. But it's teh ghey that really, really gets him steamed.

The gays are taking over, don't you see? They've even infiltrated the sports desk at the Associated Press! From an AP story about gay soccer fans in Poland, Donohue retrieves this blasphemous quote:

"Homophobia also remains deeply embedded in Poland because of the legacy of communism which treated homosexuality as a taboo and the teachings of the church in the predominantly Roman Catholic country."

Bill doesn't like that dig. Not one bit: "That such ideological nonsense can appear in a sports story in a prominent media outlet shows just how far standards have fallen in journalism," he harumphs.

Okay, whatever. But what I want to know is, why is Donohue even reading about soccer? Everybody knows that sport is totally gay.

Wait a second. Staunch Catholic... professional fagbasher... oh my goodness! Could Bill Donohue be a toilethomo? SIGNS POINT TO YES!!!!!!

Q.E.D.

2011-03-01T10:02:00.000-08:00

See if you can guess where this is going:

[Rev. Grant Storms] is especially known for arming followers with bullhorns, Bibles and picket signs to protest Southern Decadence, the three-day gay festival held in the French Quarter during Labor Day weekend. Storms grabbed national attention in 2003 with his failed attempts to shut down what Southern Decadence organizer Chuck Robinson called a peaceful festival that celebrates gay and alternative lifestyles.

...and boom goes the dynamite:

Storms, 53, of 2304 Green Acres Road in Metairie, was taken into custody at Lafreniere Park after two women reported seeing him masturbating in the driver's seat of his van, which was parked near the carousel and playground, a Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office report said.

A little touch of Meekins in the night

2011-02-28T16:24:00.001-08:00

Internet sage Frederick Meekins has once again graced the Twitter with his customary mix of homespun wisdom and gentle humor.

Laughing Out Loud, Just Kidding! He used a local San Francisco news item as an excuse to make a poo-poo ca-ca joke about teh ghey (I think? Maybe? I know "San Francisco" = "tee-hee, homobuttseks" in Meekinspeak, so that's my best guess.

Eat a hot bag of dicks, Will Rogers! This is how topical humor is done!

Alan Keyes, you so crazy!

2011-02-25T16:48:00.001-08:00

"[G]ranting homosexuals the right to marry is like granting plantation owners the right to own slaves." - Alan Keyes, World Net Daily

Maggie Gallagher is so fat....

2011-02-25T13:12:00.001-08:00

Quick impression of the modern conservative movement

2011-02-24T14:47:00.000-08:00

"Jobs, jobs, jobs, jobs --- oh hey, look! Faggots!"

Can a brother get a upvote in hyah?

2011-02-24T11:11:00.000-08:00

Speaker Boehner is taking questions on YouTube. I was firsties with the question that's on everybody's mind. Won't you please consider upvoting my submission? Visit the Speaker's page and search for "emotionally unstable alcoholic."

Thank you. You are a patriot.

Conservatives in Hollywood!

2011-02-23T12:58:00.001-08:00

Hey look! CNN found some! (They lead with Pat Boone in the slideshow, which is Not A Good Sign.)

And then there's this rising, er, talent?

Eric Golub, a conservative comedian, was one of the acts who performed at Liberty Fest. Golub lives in Los Angeles, but that is where the ties to the entertainment industry end. He describes himself as a "hired gun" whose "niche is conservative political events." When he is not on the road, Golub said he "sits in front of his laptop and makes cold calls to get gigs."
"I'm not in the entertainment industry," Golub said. "I never want to be part of the entertainment industry."

And a good thing it is, that he never wants to be part of the entertainment industry. Because that would mean having to entertain people. Here's a set from last year:

He's like Gilbert Gottfried without the charisma.

[Thanks to eagle-eyed tipster "Leif!"]

Atlas plug

2011-02-23T11:44:00.000-08:00

At last! Bug-eyed, oversexed midget know-it-all Ayn Rand's magnum opus has been given the cinematic treatment it deserves. Which is to say, this movie looks like a bucket of shit.

Apparently Atlas Shrugged isn't getting a big enough release for the self-reliant Asperger's cases who cobbled this thing together, and they've begun an online campaign for other selfish crybabies to demand wider distribution. Gee, you mean Hollywood doesn't think turgid polemical hackwork is automatic box-office gold?

Man, this scene is like the world's easiest game of Guess Who's the Jew.

Just die already

2011-02-16T13:43:00.000-08:00

Beer-bloated character assassin Andrew Breitbart spoke at that recent dickwad hootenanny, boasting that:

I decided, what's the best way to take on the institutional left? ... I figured out that the way to take on the institutional left was to direct all of my goods straight at the mainstream media itself and to dare them not to cover the stories that we were reporting. And to do it in such a way that they're basically airtight and perfect.

The only time anything about Breitbart is airtight is when two Dominican male prostitutes plug his mouth and asshole shut with dick. What a lying, horrible waste of skin.

Google this

2011-02-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

Here's the hermetic seal on your epistemic closure: Glenn Beck doesn't want you using Google.

The sight of a Fox News Channel personality fretting about propaganda should be hilarious. But the faithful in this bomb-throwing twat's fortunately dwindling audience can't see the irony.

You know what I really cannot fucking stand? That folksy-Socratic rhetorical tic of his: "It used to be called propaganda. What do we call it now? That's right -- community organizing." FUCK YOU, CHURCH LADY!

This prick makes millions by scaring stupid people with shit he doesn't even believe. I'm just sad there isn't a Hell for him to go to when he finally drops dead.

Mubarak addresses the people of Egypt

2011-02-10T13:45:00.000-08:00

K BAI

2011-02-10T12:55:00.001-08:00

Why is this man smiling?

2011-02-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

Psychology Today: Semen is an antidepressant

It's a bumper crop at Iowa's asshole farm!

2011-02-09T11:45:00.000-08:00

Check you out, Hawkeye state! First you give us this lulzy video full of doughy halfwits telling us they know - they just know! - that President Obama is a Mooselimb. And he doesn't know what a republic is, because all he talks about are democracies! (Side issue: Frank Luntz is totally a toilethomo, amirite? He looks like the kind that pays to have dudes tinkle on him.)

That video alone would be enough stupid for one news cycle. Take a victory lap, pop a cold one, call it a day. But nope! You gone and done a twofer!

The extra credit stupid comes courtesy of one Richard Anderson (pictured) (no, not McGyver - McGyver's totally cool). This Republican (durr) state representative has sponsored a bill that would allow an Iowa business owner who cites religious beliefs to refuse to provide jobs, housing, goods or services to people in marriages that violate his or her convictions (that means TEH GHEY!).

I know, I know. You're thinking, how can I let Rep. Anderson know just how much his gift of stupid means to me, as an American? Pick up the phone! His home number is (712) 542-2581. I'm sure he'll be really happy to hear from you.

Another day, another STFU

2011-02-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

Here's noisy neocon spank-bank princess Michelle Malkin pretending to care about Christians and the US economy:

"Here's a modest proposal for liberals who say they support job creation: Stop smearing successful, law-abiding private companies whose values don't comport with yours."

Anchor Baby is referring specifically to the fast food chain Chick-Fil-A's corporate support of a creepy offshoot of the National Organization for Marriage, whose sole reason for existence is to harass and denigrate gay people.

But Malkin's not wading into the culture war waters. No sir, she's just a common-sense conservative, concerned only about job creation and the health of America's economy.

Of course, she didn't open her whorishly glossed DSLs even once when halfwit fundies boycotted American job creators like McDonald's, Home Depot and General Motors for being insufficiently homo-hating.

Here is a modest proposal for Michelle Malkin: Gargle my cocksnot.

STFU, Fatty

2011-02-04T16:28:00.000-08:00

AIG's CEO says the company does better in red states, where there's less of an attitude that "the government is responsible for what happens to me."

Some facts:

The US government bailed out AIG to the tune of $140 billion.
Blue states subsidize red states with tax dollars.
Robert Benmosche is a prick.

Shut it, Mittens

2011-02-04T11:51:00.000-08:00

"[Liberals] simply do not believe in America as it was shaped by the Founders." - Mitt Romney

If you mean an America in which women couldn't vote and blacks were livestock, you're right. I'm a big fan of some other stuff the Founders did, like growing pot and fucking whores. But the Constitution they drafted was appropriate for the government of a geographically remote, 18th century farming republic. Times have changed. That document you pretend to revere - even though you supported eight years of Bush and Cheney gang-fucking it - has changed to address the needs of modern times. And it will continue to evolve.

I'm really fucking tired of conservatives equating liberalism with a lack of patriotism. Demagoguery and demonization like that does nothing to advance the national conversation about getting this economy and this country back to its former strength. I love America, and I believe passionately in its promise. Can you understand that, you weird robotic member of a crazy church where racism and child-fucking are treasured institutions?

Meekins!

2011-02-04T10:12:00.000-08:00

I love Frederick Meekins so much. Partly because his surname already sounds like an affectionate nickname. Partly for the palsied arabesques in his prose. But mostly it's because he's not only always wrong, he's usually late when discussing any issue.

Remember when Fred dissected the Vancouver Olympics mascots, a good four months after the games had ended? By that timetable, the Meekster is Johnny-on-the-spot with his "Tweets Regarding The State Of The Union 2011" (nonstandard headline capitalization his), a mere two weeks after the event.

In this post for the ages, Freddie treats us to his homespun wisdom about the POTUS' SOTU. Most of them are over Twitter's customary 140-character limit, which makes me suspect he's fudging a bit. Hm? Oh, yessir, he's got himself one of those Twitter doodads.

That tweet is dated January 31, a week after the speech. Time behaves differently in Meekinsland.

Once I sampled this @epistolizer feed, I was hooked like Ted Haggard after his first taste of meth-crusted manwhore. I couldn't stop reading:

Pretty sure they don't have the same hate crimes laws in Egypt as we do over here. But all right. In other news, he looooooooves to talk about race!

And finally, here's a trenchantly insightful post in defense of nasty blowhards who make up dangerous horseshit to scare dumb people, for money:

I think he means three-fifths. But whatever. Love ya, Fred!

OH FUCKING FUCK YOU

2011-02-03T10:32:00.001-08:00

Go fucking kill yourself, Kenneth Cole

The funniest thing I've seen all day

2011-01-31T13:35:00.000-08:00

My freind Ky just noticed this hilarious blurb at Fox Nation:

Ideological purity lulz

2011-01-27T16:29:00.001-08:00

"I love our side and there’s really no lower form of life than someone on our side who undermines their own... "

-- John Nolte, Andrew Breitbart's Big Hollywood

Why am I wasting my time thinking for myself, when I could just become a conservative?

What the hell is this dimwit even talking about?

2011-01-27T10:45:00.000-08:00

Palin can't even utter a coherent sentence in something as obviously rehearsed as this "interview" with her strokey-faced media enabler:

She's like a monkey playing with word blocks.

And another thing - I have talented friends who can't find work right now, and Palin's tubby bubblehead daughter gets a gig handed to her just because she couldn't keep her legs closed? Fuck everything.

Paul Broun knows

2011-01-26T16:48:00.000-08:00

We haven't heard much from this dumb hillbilly for a while, but he's back!

"The Republican Party is the party of K-N-O-W. We know how to lower the cost of health care. We know how to take care of the uninsurable. We know how to put patients in charge of their health care and have a market-based, patient centered health care system that’s not going to kill jobs like ObamaCare is going to do. And we know how to stimulate the economy. We know how to create jobs in the private sector.We know how to prevent this huge government take over of health care as well as all of society."

Yeah... Broun knows that like John McCain knows how to catch Osama bin Laden.

For he is known to all as Son of Erick, Misser of Points

2011-01-26T14:24:00.000-08:00

So you remember last night, when BO declared that the current need for public investment in research, infrastructure and education was our "Sputnik moment?" What would, say, a grade-school English teacher have called that? A metaphor? Sounds good.

But Erick, Son of Erick, Whose State is Red, he ain't having any. Obama "proceeded to ignore NASA in his speech while defunding the space program," he blargs. Huh? He cut NASA's budget while simultaneously delivering the State of the Union?

But crappy prose aside, Erickson just can't or won't get it. Sputnik spurred government investment in industries that yield benefits to this day. And not for nothing, but I'm surprised to see NASA defended by a blog where science is generally regarded as faggy.

Silver linings dept.

2011-01-20T10:16:00.000-08:00

Yes, Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley said that those who had not accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior were "not his brother" and "not his sister." And sure, plenty of non-fundies were pretty honked off about that.

But look on the bright side! If you're a non-Christian living in Alabama, this means that Bentley won't try to fuck you.

THANK YOU!

Sarah Palin manufactured a blood libel, you betcha!

2011-01-19T10:18:00.000-08:00

The U.S. State Department concludes that Wikileaks caused "little real and lasting damage to American diplomacy."

Sarah Palin said early on that Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was "an anti-American operative with blood on his hands."

That is her own (incorrect) definition of blood libel.

We confidently await Mrs. Palin's public refudiation of her earlier intemperate remarks. As confidently as we await airborne anal monkeys.

So much for civil discourse, huh, you fat fuck?

2011-01-18T14:05:00.000-08:00

"Barack Obama: Never has such arrogance been combined with such utter incompetence and weakness in the White House. The result? We have the single worst President in American history and his first term's not even over yet."

-- John Hawkins, writing at the intellectual Superfund site, Townhall

Conservatives have taught me so much this week!

2011-01-14T11:45:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Sarah Palin, I learned that calling out a public figure for irresponsibly using violent images and rhetoric is a blood libel. And then the Washington Times told me that any criticism of Sarah Palin amounts to a pogrom.

And now World Net Daily, your premiere resource for Chuck Norris prostate health tips, informs us that Barack Obama's speech at the Arizona memorial was his Reichstag moment.

OMG U GUIZE! Sarah Palin is Anne Frank and Obama is Hitler! And Ronald Reagan is a robot St. Bernard with a superpenis that shoots liquid fire and he's the only one who can save us from MUSLIN TERIOSTS! WOLVERINES!!!1!!!

What do you call it when people criticize Sarah Palin for her use of the term "blood libel?"

2011-01-13T11:23:00.000-08:00

According to the Washington Times, it's "simply the latest round in an ongoing pogrom against conservative thinkers."

A POGROM!

NO REALLY! THEY SAID THAT! Here, I even screen-capped it once I stopped throwing up:

The fucking stones on these people.

Also: Sarah Palin is a "thinker?" Lulz.

I may never stop throwing up

2011-01-12T15:40:00.000-08:00

Blood libel, brain death

2011-01-12T12:57:00.000-08:00

King, dumb

2011-01-11T13:26:00.000-08:00

Fat racist alcoholic Rep. Peter King (R - Lawn Guyland) "wants to make it illegal for someone to knowingly carry a gun within 1,000 feet of certain high-ranking federal officials, including members of Congress."

Problem solved! Now all you egghead faggots can calm down, and King can return to the important business of harassing and humiliating Muslims.

And never mind King's own support for terrorists! What do you mean how does King explain his involvement with the Irish Republican Army? Fuck you, that's how he explains it!

A noun, a verb, and ROFLMAO

2011-01-07T14:33:00.001-08:00

NYPost:

Confident that he'd have a chance to win, Rudy Giuliani is rounding up his top political advisers for a possible 2012 presidential run, sources tell Page Six

Sir Charles takes on Miss Tucker

2011-01-07T13:20:00.000-08:00

[Lifted lazily from Crooks & Liars]

Ewwwwwwwww!

2011-01-07T12:17:00.000-08:00

"Boehner is... constantly taking the temperature of his members... "

-- Major Garrett, the Atlantic

Darrell Issa explains it all

2011-01-06T14:17:00.000-08:00

Vaginaciously walking back his earlier remarks that Barack Obama is "one of the most corrupt presidents in modern times," Rep. Darrell Issa (R - 1313 Mockingbird Lane) sent CNN's John King to the dictionary:

See? He didn't mean to imply that the president was a criminal. He's just like one of those, what do you call 'em, floppies. With a "glitch."

The congressman later explained to an aggrieved gay constituent, "What? A faggot is a bundle of sticks. You can't get me in trouble for calling you a bundle of sticks."

Darrell Issa means what he says, until he doesn't

2011-01-03T11:44:00.000-08:00

Remember back before the midterms, when Darrell Issa (pictured here with his lovely family) was all, "Obama's the most corrupt president in modern times" on the Fatty Pill-Popper's Hate Speech and Sex Tourism Cavalcade of Horseshit? Good times.

But then on State of the Union the other day, the incoming chair of the House Oversight Committee was, like, yeah, but...

"What I meant to say -- you know, on live radio, with Rush going back and forth -- and by the way that was because Rush had me on to answer the question of -- about coming together, having compromise. He didn't like the compromise word... What I meant to say there, when you hand out $1 trillion in TARP just before this president came in, most of it unspent, $1 trillion nearly in stimulus that this president asked for, plus this huge expansion in health care and government, it has a corrupting effect."

Regular host Candy Crowley was away on a swimsuit calendar shoot, so it fell to Ed Henry to ask Issa - paraphrasing here - "WTF TARP, bitch? That was on Bush's watch." And then Issa jumped up and down and shouted, "Darn, darn, darn, darn, darn!" And the whole house shook, and plaster fell from the ceiling, and they cut to a commercial.